Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

Well she can't have an adult Christmas with the children there can she.

Obviously every one is different, but my inlaws are 85 this Christmas, and FiL has Parkinson's but they drive all the way from the midlands (3.5hr drive if DH is driving, but 5-6hrs when they are doing it with lots of tea/toilet stops) with 59yo SIL. There are 7 of us in total and our Christmases are fairly quiet now (my fam no longer come) and my kids are 17/20 now, so game after meals, cheese and drinks shared by all… and mine are happy to go with the flow despite their age. FiL currently having a nap in his chair. We have large house so everyone has their own room so they can step away of they need to at any time, but they don’t have entire blooming floor to themselves.

I think that if Mum doesn’t want to be alone, she needs to accept you have children and stop whinging, really. I wonder whether she is critical and demanding in other areas of your relationship and you try to ignore it (or immediately try to mitigate it for an easy life)? If so, I’d take a moment to take stock and continue to conduct your Christmases -and your life - on your own terms.

I was responding primarily to your blanket statement: "That is way too long of a day for a 75 yo."

It all depends on the luck of the draw when it comes to how fit you might be as time passes.
I was struck with a serious and unexpected heart problem in late my 60s. It is miserable and sometimes quite scary. And it vastly reduces my stamina and staying power and I am breathless and giddy.
I go to family for Christmas and happily watch the merry chaos reign around me. Noone expects me to be leaping around and just proffer the occasional hug and a drink. I am more than happy with that. It is not what I would have composed, but I truly appreciate their understanding and kindness and join in where I can.
We none of us know what is around the corner. My Dad was fit till his 90s.
I am pissed off with the hand I have been dealt but really grateful that my loving family understand and incorporate me in ways I can manage and enjoy.
Please bear in mind that the MIL in the OP might feel shocked and sad that her stamina has reduced and the event has highlighted this for her. I think you should cease with the blame and try a bit of kindness.

And then had an early night. Not exactly a long day.

This. Did you tell her these friends would be there all day at time you invited her or did you inform her after initial invitation?

Its almost like people are individuals! It sounds like you're having a lovely time and enjoying your young family- that's great and admirable - but it also sounds very full on for someone who either isn't also in that stage of life or fully delighted to have a day centred entirely around small children. This is not a judgement BTW, different folks etc. I'm in my 50s now and honestly, it sounds hellish to me but then I'm not a fan of organised fun (an oxymoron if ever there was one) or small children more broadly because I find them a bit boring and their vocal pitch hurts my deaf ears. (Bring me a teen however and that's another story).

We're all built differently and have different needs and ideas of what makes a good Christmas. It's good you're open to making it more inclusive for your mum and she also needs to speak up about what that might look like for her. If she wants to spend time with you, she will have to, to a degree, suck it up, assuming it is the chaos of a young family that she's finding hard to manage. But equally I would be sensitive to the reality that not every adult (yes, including your mum possibly) is going to be as enthralled by your children, at all times, as you are. Give the adults permission to do their own thing and not be held to ransom by the kids. Ask yourself was it obvious she could retire? Do something else? Or was the organised fun inescapable because everyone else was deeply invested? Again, not a judgement at all but I've definitely been in situations with friends myself, when their kids were small, where it felt borderline compulsory to be interested in absolutely everything the kids did.

So did you ask her what she expects you to do? You have children so an adult only Christmas at yours won’t be possible for years.

My inlaws, 85yo, are up at 830 and helping in the kitchen or pouring the port (risky activity given DFiL’s Parkinson’s) and don’t retire until 10ish at the earliest. For three days in a row.

Midday to 7pm is in no way a ‘long day’ unless Mother is an especially frail and unwell individual, which OP has not suggested she is.

Currently watching The Italian Job (or napping) before a murder mystery game with desert/more wine in a couple of hours…

OP, you hosted a typical happy family Christmas.

Ours have been like this for years from when I was a child, through your generation becoming the grandparents and so on. People fit in and take part as their energy level and inclination allows.

You have children. Please don’t send them to play in their rooms to facilitate your mother’s idea of an adult Christmas. If it’s too much she can retire upstairs for a siesta.

She is being unreasonable. Shrug, smile and nod.

What she wants is an adult Christmas.

How do you think the OP should navigate that? Stick her kids in a room on their own?

You absolutely can!
Again, missing something is not the same as wanting the entire day to be like that.
Yesterday I had an "adult Christmas" catching up with my sisters in one room while my mum, partner and brother in law all played in the other room with my daughter and my niece was having cuddles with the 3 month old. Later my sisters, my niece and I played with my daughter and my partner and brother in law chatted and my dad went into the kitchen for some quiet. He's partially deaf and needed some time without his hearing aids in as finds group conversations tiring as it takes a lot of effort to listen and filter out background noises that his hearing aids amplify that we don't hear. Later after that we all played games from the crackers and it was very full on and noisy.

Op could very well speak to her mum about what she misses about an "adult Christmas" and find that it was sharing a sherry with her daughter and eating a mince pie asking about the presents she had and what book/TV show she has enjoyed recently. I'm sure that could easily have been accommodated.

The OP has said she has asked her mum and told us that the issue does seem to centre around the kids. She loves having the neighbours over and really enjoyed the talent show because she got to sing her German song. She wants the adults to be centre of attention. The OP said her mum really misses adults only Christmas and explains that her own childhood Xmas’ are memories of adults getting drunk and rowing and the kids left alone. The mother sounds awful and selfish. OP shouldn’t involve her mum in planning too much as that is what the mum will want and I’m sure OP won’t be letting that happen. She had the option of quiet time, chose not to take it and then moaned. Silly, rude woman. Age doesn’t excuse that.

I expect that the OP is giving her mum a quieter day today anyway, without the extra guests, but the atmosphere will have been soured a bit by her comments. The time to mention if you can't cope or find things too much is whilst planning for the next year, NOT on the day after everyone generously hosted you.

I would find it hard not to say something quite rude back, but then I deliberately keep visits from complaining type family members to a couple of hours and then make excuses and go, never having them to stay except in a nearby hotel. The OP is more than generous and it's not at all nice to complain to a mum with small children who probably has been busting a gut to make Christmas nice for her own children, husband and friends as well as mum and there's only one person complaining.

I wonder if she felt unintentionally excluded, or like a spare wheel? There didnt seen to be much down time, or just family time.

Op could very well speak to her mum about what she misses about an "adult Christmas" and find that it was sharing a sherry with her daughter and eating a mince pie asking about the presents she had and what book/TV show she has enjoyed recently. I'm sure that could easily have been accommodated.

Op could try that if she wants to - or she could have the christmas she wants with her kids and her Mum can fit in round them or do something else.

I followed DH lead and ignored MIL moaning - his childhood wasn't child focused either though he was happy enough -and MIL did adapt and actually enjoyed the kids and now goes on to friends about stuff she did with them so Dh did know his mother best.

I assume OP will have a think and decide how best to deal with her parent.

Not every old person is a saint; not every child centred house is a nightmare. OP you deserve the Christmas you want, particularly after a difficult childhood. Its up to your mum to come or not and she doesn't have to do the conga but I wouldn't change anything major for her. Sounds like your friends are great, enjoy them

Fine except OP says it was less about a small sherry and more about drunken arguments. The good old days ...

Im quite amused by the idea of the 70 something year olds sitting quietly with a small sherry. Lol. Like maiden aunts from the 1950s

I have to say I’m puzzled by some of the answers that seem to assume the OP should irganise Christmas according to what works for her mum rather than what works for her family (and children. Christmas is first of all a child thing really).

its all well and good she is struggling with 2 (!!) children in the house but surely the answer is fir her to decide how to make it easier for herself (and for the OP to facilitate that if she can) rather than for the OP to reorganise christmas so it works fur her mum (like she could have sent dh for an hour walk/play outside either the dcs to give her mum a break but is that fair on her dh, the dcs or tge OP who very much enjoyed spending Christmas day together)

1- your ‘having a chat’ in the other room didn’t last the whole afternoon right?
2- that’s assuming you were happy to miss out on the playing together. You were happy to have a chat whikst your dd was p,ay ig with another adukt. Why do you assume that the OP would be happy with that p? Maybe she WANTS to spend that time playing with her dcs on Christmas Day. It’s no more right or wrong than what you’re proposing as THE solution

There must be something wrong with her. I'm older and had major surgery this year, but I joined in everything with the kids and again today. Perhaps she needs a health check up.

She’s got an entire top floor with tv in her room to go to at OPs house!

It does seem full on. I ended a bit tired and was in bed at 9:30pm; and it was only the 4 of us; opened presents and movie in the morning, DH and I did most of the cooking, short walk; ate and did some of the jokes in the Christmas crackers; chill out in front of the tv; had pudding; played one board game, finish cleaning and bed time for me. A perfect day with some family time, a nice meal and a bit of relaxing.

She could have gone back upstairs for a break, surely? It sounds like a lovely Christmas, way less hectic than a lot of Christmases with children (certainly mine where there are lots of cousins etc). Just point out to your mum that she can retire to her room whenever she wants. I don’t think you need to change your Christmas for her. She sounds quite self-involved.