Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

Or perhaps, more kindly.... "It'll be the same sort of thing this year and you are very welcome. I know you found it a bit much at times last year. I can understand tgat. No-one would mind if you slipped away to another room for break now and again. We just want everyone to enjoy the day in their own way."

That is way too long of a day for a 75 yo.
I would ask her to plan the next Christmas with you.
I would definitely build in a siesta
I would not have guests over all the live long day.

I find this almost formulaic hostility towards in-laws quite bizarre.
We are all likely to be in this situation at some point and will I am sure do our best in the role, just as we all do our best as parents. We will fail at times I am sure.

Speaking as a grandmother who is 70 I don’t think she has the right to dictate how you entertain your children at Christmas so don’t feel you have to change anything. I agree with the suggestion that she has somewhere to go for a nap if required. My grandchildren's other grandma is a few years older than me and does that.

Well, she could pop herself in a taxi at 5 and take herself off to the nearest Premier Inn where she could sit in silence all night.

Or, she could stay and accept that if she chooses to spend the day at a house with young dc, there's not going to be silence and sedate adult-only activities.

It depends on the person. I hope my family dont think of me that way in a few years time.

The small adjustment she seems to want is no children present for Christmas day in their own home.

I am 70 and DH is 79. I think OP's DM sounds more like 95 than 75 to be honest. All this 'at her advancing years' etc is a bit over the top if she really has no health issues at all. I know plenty of people of a similar age who would love joining in with all that and be pretty offended if anyone suggested they were too old!

It sounds like your mum is trying to tell you she’s slowing down. It’s part of life and I think sometimes adult children are slow to pick up on it, especially if there are no actual health issues. I was guilty of not noticing it with my mum and now I’m very close to 70 myself, I’m starting to appreciate what it must have been like for her and I regret that I wasn’t more sensitive and considerate.

Me too. At 73 I can certainly manage a day without a nap and I'm not just sitting there.

But does this mean she was on her own with your friends and the kids for quite a long time while you were in the kitchen?
A lot of people would find that a bit stressful.

Hear hear. I thought it sounded more like someone in mid to late 90s

I agree.

Ofc it depends on the person. We already know that OP’s mum is one for whom it is too much. Try not to make it about you.

This ^
100%
I’ve posted about this already but @Peridoteage put it much better.

So she imposed drunken argumentative unpleasant Christmas's on you as a child and now has the cheek to complain your Christmas was 'too much' for her ?

Frankly you should be pulling her up about her unfairness. Don't pander to her and ruin YOUR DC's Christmas

As many posters have pointed out, there are people in their 70s who host Christmas gatherings. I am one of those. DH (in his early 80s) and I prepped, cooked, and cleaned yesterday as we almost always do. Other people helped by bringing some side dishes, but we did almost everything. It was a long day, but we enjoyed it.

I think this is an individual issue, not an age thing. The OP's mother didn't like the way the day unfolded, either because she is a bit introverted, or as OP suggests, prefers an adult focused Christmas. Indeed, as OP describes, her own childhood Christmases were adult focused, with the children being left to fend for themselves while the adults drank.

I don't think OP should change a thing. Her mother can choose to come and "go with the flow" or make other arrangements more to her liking, such as staying home or staying in a hotel when she comes for Christmas.

This sounds less like criticism and more like her realising her limits after the fact. At 75, even a calm day with kids, noise, visitors and a long stretch on her feet can feel fine in the moment and wipe you out later.
For next year, build in clear opt outs for her. Shorter visits, a quiet room she can retreat to, no expectation to join games, maybe even celebrating over two shorter days instead of one long one. You didn’t do anything wrong, but now you’ve got useful info about what she can realistically handle.

She only came down at midday? So she wasn’t having to be up early or anything? And she has her own living space upstairs? I think she needs to get a little bit of a grip tbh. It sounds like she thinks her needs (which already sound met with her own space and freedom to come down whenever she wanted) should come ahead of the young children on Christmas Day.

I prefer to not assume why OP’s mum said it was too much.

That’s why I advised OP to ask her mum, to involve her in the planning, and to build in a siesta/quiet time.

I think age is a significant contributing factor because OP’s mum said it was for her.

Please stop centring yourself.

That hasn't actually been said. OP stated that she has said that she misses adult only Christmases. That is not the same as saying she wants the children to be absent.
I miss adult only time, that is not the same as saying i never want to see my kids. It's acknowledging that I am a rounded human and need some time where I'm not mum.
There has been a lot of assumptions about what she actually means by this statement and how much non or low child time she would want or need to not find that sort of day overstimulating and too much.

If 6/7 people had a good time I'd count that as a win OP!

It's a real shame as so many people would love to spend Xmas with kids that age, it's a special time and there's a finite number of years you get to enjoy in that way. Do it your way OP.

Couldn't bear to spend Christmas day with friends/neighbours of my relatives. To be honest I would rather spend the day alone!

I'm not making about me. I'm responding to posts about people in their 70s and the assumption that young children and visitors are too much for us poor old dears. Other people my age are agreeing.

Could you ask your mum what specifically she found "too much"?
And what she would have preferred and been able to manage/cope with?
Her answers might help you all make decisions about what you want and are able to do next Christmas.