Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

No you didn't have an adult Christmas. You spent a bit of Christmas day with your sisters, you obviously spent most of the day with your kids as you should.

OP didn't have sisters aunts in laws there. She probably didn't want to sit in another room with her mother and miss Christmas day with her children. Funny how the mother went off to bed just after kids went to bed. She sounds like a selfish nightmare.

Your Christmas Day does sound lovely, and you sound like a marvellous host. Spending the day at yours would've killed me, however! My health condition means I can't keep up any sustained effort, even doing stuff I enjoy. It's a right pain, let me tell you, and it can be embarrassing.

Is it likely your mum just needs permission to bugger off upstairs or to the garden when she's had enough of being 'on'?

From your description of your childhood festivities, it sounds like she was always anxious about getting Christmas 'right' and was depleted by the afternoon, when all she could manage was to slump in a comfy chair with a bottle of Brain-Off juice by her side. She probably still feels anxious about it, as that stuff runs deep, even though she's not cooking the lunch now. She may feel she has to perform correctly - even though it's stuff she does want to do - which can be properly exhausting.

She may well be happier if she knows it's perfectly fine to retreat to her TV, a box of chocs and a bottle of wine once she's all socialled out.

She woke up at mid-day, went to bed at around 7pm? How is that “way too long”?

She had her own independent living area so could easily have opted out and entertained herself without needing to come into contact with anyone else.

Honestly some of the responses on here make me wonder what has happened to people. The idea that watching TV while some small children play around you and occasionally feigning a bit of affectionate interest in your grandchildren’s harmless antics are an imposition is just bizarre.

People talk about Gen Alpha being “snowflakes”, but this to me seems the height of snowflakery.

I think it's worth asking her to elaborate.
what was too much?
number of people? Length of time? Level of contact with people? Cake? Gin?

So... What exactly does she want you to change?

If she is looking for an adult only Christmas, she has to accept those are over if she wants to spend time with you.

The onus is on her to withdraw to a quiet place if it is too much not for the DC to change normal children behaviour.

There are a lot of people on this thread who are going to get a very nasty shock at some point. She isn't controlling....she was exhausted and pleading for the OP to be a bit more understanding. She did well to wait until the following day...I'm autistic, 53 with cfs and I'd probably have had a meltdown. It's called desperation.

YANBU

If you felt you were heading for a meltdown, or had just had enough socialising, why wouldn’t you have taken yourself off for a rest on your own? I really don’t get it.

Genuine question- if you were invited to a family’s Christmas Day, would you expect them to alter their day to better suit you?

Totally agree.

I can't understand how this day was so "full on" as people are describing

The mum here:

Had the entire morning in her room enjoying "downtime" with an en suite and her own TV

Had a nice Christmas lunch cooked for her

Sat and ate it

Played a bit of dominoes and charades

Went to bed at 7/8pm

How can this day get less busy?!

Why would you accept an invite then? Knowing your two grandchildren would be there?

Sorry OP, but I think she sounds a bit ungrateful! It's not as if you were expecting her to do the cooking or anything!

She loved having the neighbours there, she loved getting to sing, OP has said it’s just the kids she had an issue with. As a younger woman, OPs mother gave her own children Christmas centred around adults getting drunk and rowing. She has now told OP she needs to be more understanding. This woman is obviously wanting OP to create a Christmas centred around adults like the old days. Stop playing her as some vulnerable little old lady, she’s been awful to OP who made a day to include everyone whilst she was run ragged doing everything. Her mother sounds incredibly manipulative and mean.

Also, either don’t accept the invite, or take advantage of the what could be deemed reasonable adjustments OP offered, which were

no one was forced to join in

a whole floor to yourself to get away and chill out

But… with all kindness to you, if you know you are going to find social situations triggering and draining, putting yourself into a home with small children is just silly. Its obvious that noise and stress and overstimulation is going to be unavoidable.

People are well within their rights to find this difficult and limit the exposure they have to it.

They are not reasonable to expect everyone else to cater for this in their own home over Christmas. Particularly with small children who cannot emotionally regulate to manage this.

What did the mum expect the OP to actually do?

I think there are a lot of very ‘low energy’ people on here who see having to do basically anything as being ‘full on’.

I’d suggest that she’s welcome to go off for a rest in her room if she wants and that nobody would think her rude or antisocial.

My Dad 78 and my Aunt 80 spent Xmas with us. Dad lives nearby so arrives and leaves as he wishes and he does find the children quite tiring to be around. Aunt is staying and has retreated for a nap a few times when it’s become a bit much.

Your mum needs to be responsible for doing as she sees fit if she’s finding things too much.

Incredible… its hard to do anything “lower energy” than watching TV and going to bed at 7pm.

I agree, but actually OP did cater exceptionally well to her mum by ensuring she wouldn’t have to look after the children, not trying to force her to join in and providing her with her own space if she needed it. To expect even more is just really cheeky when she had accepted an invitation to a house with young children at Xmas.

This. Horses for courses. It doesn't matter how other people DM's age act, or how lovely the company / entertainment was, how well-behaved DC were, or some other thing. Whatever the reason, she's said the day was too much for her.

In a later post you say she lives 3 hrs away, so can't just come for the day. So you and her need to have an honest convo about what she really wants, with no blame, judgement or expectation on either side.

Also in a later post, you talk about your own unhappy childhood Xmases, with "Adults getting drunk and being abusive to each other, doors slamming, my mum crying." Which implies that DM might have some subconscious reason to sabotage the happy Xmases you've created for your own family.

So that's part of the honest convo too. You're very happy with the arrangement as it stands, with DC and neighbours, and you're not going to change that.

So what can you do that suits both of you?

If it helps - personally, I don't see all DC at Xmas. The ones we don't see, we make separate arrangements to meet up with in January or February. Which is way more relaxed and meaningful than a one-size-must-fit-all Enforced Day of Fun.

Then, if DM then starts guilt-tripping you about 'Oh, so you don't want me there / you'd rather be with your friends at Xmas' - you point out kindly but firmly that your first responsibility is to your own family now; but you're trying to find a solution that you will all enjoy. And usefully, you'll know that it's not necessarily an age thing with DM. She's quite capable of being manipulative.

Going to her room would be isolating and I would hate that if I had a guest if that was their only opportunity to have their needs met.

How much time did she get yesterday to be a mother or a friend or was she expected to be in grandparent mode for the whole day?

I wonder if the OP managed to get her needs met, or if she got to be a mother yesterday, or a friend, with all the organising, hosting and cooking that she was doing.

I think if, as a grown ass adult, you have expectations of others who are generous enough to host you in their home to be meeting your “needs”, or ensuring you get to experience all the roles that make you the person you are, that you should probably be in therapy.

Yes, me! I have ME-CFS. Doing anything makes me really ill. You can't survive without doing some things, so I'm always ill and it's a total pain in the arse. People don't get it. Having to explain can be embarrassing, and half the time they don't believe me anyway.

Before this started, I never used to get fatigued. I still managed to be understanding when others did.

The OP hasn’t mentioned that her mother has any such condition though.
She also hasn’t indicated that she’s not understanding. She provided her mum with her own suite of rooms to retreat to, cooked for her and didn’t expect her to do any caring for her children. What else can she do?

I was wondering if she feels expected to join in the family games, etc? I'm hoping that all she needs is permission to opt out, and that it won't be considered rude.