Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

This is such a horrible response. I hope you mature into someone more understanding.

IL gate crashed our annual family hoilday few years on the trot - made it work but remember one day found pub with kids garden kids happy IL happy talking about holidays they'd had - DH was happy just me listening to IL and wacthing kids think well everyone happy to be blindside by MIL suddenly moaning we weren't putting kids into childcare - we'd have to pay extra for on their one a year holiday - IL had several other holidays.

I remember being utterly blindsided - and upset - spoke to DH he said ignore it and we did - they then moaned when we went somewhere they couldn't gate crash and MIl tried to get kid sto think they'd have a horrible time. They then went there few weeks before and were experts depite fact I knew area well and insisted on suggesting child unfriendny sites ie pubs and nighclubs and telling us we should have gone to.

Oddly she's not a bad grandparent at all. She also spent years doing that thing of finding obscure tasks when we were busy that needed doing right there are tehn stressing DH and I out then she'd wonder off. Found completey ignoring that stopped it as well.

You say she has entire top floor to retreat to - so honestly I'd just ignore it and do christmas next year however you want.

I think your Christmas sounds lovely but child centred, which is perfectly understandable but not enjoyable for her. She probably had more exposure to the DC than you realise while you and DH were cooking. Out of interest, if the friends hadn’t been there, how would you have managed entertaining the children?

I don’t think you should change what you do, but I think you have to accept she doesn’t want to be part of it.

Next year say “it’ll be the same sort of thing as last year mum, will you be with us or are you staying at home? I know you found it a bit much last time.”
She can’t expect Christmas to be about her when there are little children. She has her own space to relax away from everything if she needs to.

@MyQuirkyFinch

I think you need to give it a bit of time then speak to your mum. I know you said it was (apparently) the children but did she say what was 'too much'? Too boisterous? Too messy? Too demanding of her attention? Or simply
too 'there'? Let her air her specific 'complaints' to get them out in the open. Then, assuming your DC were not behaving like marauding savages, remind her that your excited children are a non-negotiable part of the day. And that as they get older they'll be less excitable.

But also, listen to what she says. General excitement and boisterousness is normal. And your house rules for your DC are 'the rules'. But was there any part of their behaviour that could be 'directed away' from your mum? I can see it being a bit tiring if there was a constant "NanaNanaNana, look at/play with/do X with me!". I'm not saying there was, mind you, just something to think about.

But if, after talking, it's apparent that she wants a 'children not seen AND not heard' Xmas, then she needs to understand that won't be happening and that she is free to stay at a hotel where she can be totally away from the normal 'mayhem' except for the hours she chooses to spend in your home.

Unfortunately, some parents can feel a bit jealous when their kids give attention to their own children.

I agree. The full on for hours and hours with no escape would destroy me.

She could have escaped, she had a whole flow of the house for herself.

When OP was a child, her mum didn't ever seem to consider her daughter and what she needed on Christsmas Day. The kids were ignored while the grownups just got pissed. OP doesn't have any happy memories of her childhood Christmases.

OP also doesn't have any siblings so either her mum spends Christmas alone or with OP. OP provides her with a whole floor to herself with her own bedroom, bathroom and TV. She didn't come downstairs until 12 noon on Christmas Day so had all morning to relax. She could also have excused herself and gone upstairs to rest if she was finding things too much.

OP has said that her mum knows the neighbours well and enjoys their company and she also enjoying singing in the talent show. It's just her own grandchildren that she resents and the fact that OP and her DH are child focussed in a way that OP's mum never has been.

I think she's got a cheek to be honest. She either spends Christmas Day alone in her own home or she accepts OP's hospitality with a bit of gratitude.

OP says:
She has to top floor of the house to herself with bedroom and bathroom plus her own tv up there etc. she had some quiet time up there in the morning and came down at 12 when next door arrived.

I do agree I'd struggle with no downtime - do at IL - but then you go out or stop at a hotel or hopefully retreat to a room if stopping with them. OP mother has a entire floor with own bathroom and TV.

If my mum had been happily playing, left her to it. If I got the sense they were getting on her nerves I’d have sent them upstairs to play in their rooms

Snooze in front of the TV at someone else’s house?

If that what OPs mum wants to do for Christmas by all means she can… at her own house!

It’s simple OP. She can go lie down or wander off if it’s too much. It sounds like a lovely day and your kids were happy, I wouldn’t change anything. I think the talent show was cute and really good of your kids. Is she suggesting not inviting people to your own home. That isn’t acceptable. Next year give a big heads up that you will have people over and she can choose whether to come

*floor

Children only believe in the magic of Christmas for such a short amount of time, what a shame your mum can’t find joy in sharing that with them. If she wants an adult centred Christmas then she will have to accept that she cannot get that with you.

Speaking as someone 5 years older than your mum and not in the best of health, I think it's she who is being unreasonable, not you. If she's staying with you, she must have somewhere to sleep, so I suggest you gently make it clear it's OK for her to take time out if she needs a break. Your day sounds like it was a lot of fun for your children without being over the top, much like the Christmases DH and I have enjoyed with our two and their children over the years.

Snooze in front of the TV at someone else’s house?

I know, right!

The entitlement is unreal.

I think it's very rude to get up the next morning and complain about Christmas Day. Full stop.

If the OP's mum was unhappy with the boisterousness of the occasion, she could have waited til she got home and moaned to her friends, or gone up to her entire floor of a house (!) and phoned them there.

It is very undermining and selfish to be a bad guest and moan at the hostess, especially when they have provided both a lovely place to stay (own TV, own bathroom) and included them in everything.

To me, it doesn't matter whether the day was too much for this Mum, she shoudl have kept her thoughts to herself this year, and changed her own plans or initiated a chat about how she'd need a bit more time-out next year.

I can't imagine putting up with this if I hosted someone, the one thing you have to do is not complain! And then avoid or change next year if it's not for you.

No I don’t agree with letting children run round in restaurants but come off it. If you have children in the house they will be super excited on Christmas Day and perhaps a little hyper. The is such a lovely time for them. The children are far more important at Christmas than OPs Mum.

By contrast, my mum texted me this morning to thank me for the lovely welcome, great food and presents at my house yesterday. Do I think there might have been things that were't to their liking, like that our Christmas dinner is always served later in the day around 4 as we get up later, or that we are a bit chaotic about opening presents? Yes, but because she's a lovely guest, she thanked us.

As Mumsnet is so fond of saying, it's an invitation not a summons. With some tact, and at a later time away from the event, the Mum could have mentioned she might need something a bit different. Instead she criticised her daughter, who is wrangling guests and a 3 and 7 year old. Not on.

Going to her room would be isolating and I would hate that if I had a guest if that was their only opportunity to have their needs met. Christmas is about family not just about children. Children don't need to be the centre of everything all of the time and I think it does them good to be aware and consider other people feelings as well as wants and needs.

My daughter loves both of her grandmother's and as soon as they come in she wants to whisk them away to play. They are happy to do so but also want the time and space to take shoes and coats off, use the loo having driven for 4h, have a cup of tea and catch up with all of us. It's quiet family focused time then there's child focused time with bits of time throughout the day where each adult gets some non-kid time. Loosely we ensure that there's 20 minutes or so every 2-3h where there's a lull, we calm things down and make things less intense. Those that need a break get a break.

Yesterday we had 7 adults, a 15yo, 5yo and a 3m old. The 5 yo had one on one time with some of the adults whilst the others caught up in the other room as well as time where they were the sole focus of the entertainment.

Today we have 4 adults, a 5yo and 3m old today and the 5yo has had one on one time this morning and early afternoon playing with her presents. She's now having 20 minutes to play by herself / with one adult whilst the 3 month old has a feed and a nap and the other adults talk and plan food for tomorrows Christmas dinner.

I would much rather a person was honest with me whilst staying so that I can make small adjustments to accommodate everyone. I'd ask what would have been helpful? How much time did she get yesterday to be a mother or a friend or was she expected to be in grandparent mode for the whole day?

Sounds lovely. She can go to bed if its too much. You entertain your kids how you want to.

Granted I'm not in my 60/70s, but I'm a huge introvert who will usually have a nap most weekends - but are you saying you genuinely can't get through one day of being around people without needing a snooze in the middle of the day?

Christmas is the one day of the year kids are most likely to be hyped up and where you're likely to be socialising. If you can't manage that without a mid-day snooze, that is a bit concerning. That's what Boxing Day is for!

My mum used to come to ours when ours were younger…she wouldn’t have wanted to be arsed with my neighbours/friends…..and about 4pm she was done….took herself into the front lounge and watched tv….fine by us….kids just went in every so often to offer her food and drinks and have a little one on one chat

The only way you can scale it back is not to invite the family next door or anyone else and to cut back on the games, perhaps all sit down to watch a movie after lunch instead. Does DM live near enough that she can arrive just before lunch and leave after?