Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

I bet she was expecting a bit of playtime and a bit of quiet time. None of us were there but for a fit and well 75 yr old to say it was too much suggests it was too much.

Some parents are oblivious to the noise their kids make, even on Christmas day they can rein it in a bit if there are other people there.

Honestly, you don’t. Your mum can opt in and out of whatever she chooses to which, I believe she did from what you said!

In contrast my 76 year old (soon to be 77) hosted 9 for Christmas lunch.

Oh my god, can you hear yourself? What a miserable presence you would be in anyone’s Christmas.

Or, parents can teach their kids how to behave. I bet some on here let their kids run around restaurants squealing or play in the garden noisily from 7am.

All people should be considered when hosting Christmas, it does not need to be a loud nonstop playtime.

Your Christmas sounds lovely op and the activity level normal given dc of that age.

But some people get very used to the quiet of living alone. I don’t think your mum is wrong to say that it’s too much for her, but I think it’s rather unreasonable of her to expect you to all to adapt to her and not the other way around!

Given that she is in her seventies and not her nineties, she could have gone to another room for some peace or gone out for a quiet walk?

Also, reading your updates, there seems to be something else going on? That either she is slightly jealous she doesn’t get to monopolise your time when your attention is obviously on your dc. Or she is struggling with the difference in parenting styles if she was brought up to be seen and not heard.

I think it’s a bit unfair to lay this on you the next morning tbh op. Even if you did ask! It’s one day of the year and it’s Christmas no less!

It sounds like you are a very thoughtful daughter who has made every effort to accommodate her mum. In her shoes, even if I had found it too tiring, I would have been more tactful and said nothing when asked and then would take more responsibility for myself next year so I only came for part of the time, or I went upstairs for a rest mid-way.

This is good advice. Leave it for now, ask in advance of next year what she wants to do. Remind her she can escape to her room if she needs breather then leave it with her. She can decide how much to engage or otherwise.

It’s the neighbours. I can kind of see why she would have wanted it to be just family.

as well as the fact she probably felt they were encroaching a bit, I found find a full day in the company of friends / neighbours I didn’t know that well a lot as well.

I think your mum is being rather mean spirited and ungrateful. You very kindly invited her to celebrate Christmas at your home and she's now moaning that it wasn't quite what she expected. The answer to me is very clear - next year when you invite her, she says she has other plans. My suggestion would be that if she starts saying she'll come if (add in whatever her wishes are) you say that you'll note her wishes but won't make any promises (and then do what you want). Christmas is about children - they grow up soon enough - having a good time. My mum is 91 and would have loved the Christmas your mum had but unfortunately her grandchild and great grandchild live overseas so just not possible this year. Instead she cooked a full on dinner with all the trimmings for her and her neighbour and got on with it!

I think perhaps, some older people, maybe OP's Mum, for example, forget how bloody frantic it can be hosting Christmas for three generations, plus friends. Perhaps they might then remember how to behave as guests.

OP had provided quiet space for her mother, she had the ability to have some time out if she had had enough of the shenanigans.

We aren't talking about children running around restaurants, we are talking about children enjoying Christmas Day in their home, playing with their toys, interacting with their family, while Mum and Dad are prepping, doing lunch, doing the clean up, sorting the kids, making sure everyone has a drink, etc, etc.

It could just as easily suggest someone who wants to be front and centre and was jealous of the children getting attention. OP sounds like she made so much effort to make it nice for everyone and ops mum had the option of downtime and didn’t take it. I bet she’s fucking shattered today, but also on a high thinking what a lovely Xmas day, and then mum pipes up with ‘oh you did it wrong’ and ‘me, me, me’ to bring her down. It’s really horrible and beyond selfish. Poor OP.

Your house, your rules. It's nice of you to include her at Christmas at all, and she is being nitpicky. Don't bend over backwards, if she is tired she is of course free to retreat, or not to come at all, but it's not as if you are asking her to host or help. She sounds ungrateful to me.

'It could just as easily suggest someone who wants to be front and centre and was jealous of the children getting attention'

Oh please. Who on earth gets jealous of kids getting attention? Most get sick of parents not telling kids to quieten down a bit.

It did in our house, my kids are about upstairs for a bit and grandparents zoned out to a Xmas movie. Mind you we'd been up since 5.45 and my 4 yr old went down for the night at 6 and I fell asleep checking on her at 8. When I got up husband and in-laws had had the cheese board and a whiskey and in laws had left. 7 yr old was still potteri g about building and having a much covered can of cola and second helpings of ice cream.

It's the first year we've had any chill though now they are older and occupy themselves a fair bit.

I just wouldn’t be happy with any guest throwing cold water all over such a happy Christmas. She really sounds ungrateful and difficult tbh.

I suspect OPs mum didn't want "downtime", she probably wanted adult company with fewer interruptions.

I think people on here are remarkably naive about this - loads of people would expect the children to be put watching a film for a couple of quiet hours in the afternoon while adults sat with a sherry and chatted.

Its not what we do in our house but I recognise that its not that unusual.

I think wait a few months before you address it, but basically if she can’t rest during the chaos she needs to pop upstairs
for a rest. My parents are 70 and hitting similar levels of exhaustion with better spirits about it. I can remember grandma going up for a nap and grandad doing his armchair sleep in the middle of the chaos. This was the first year mum sat on the sofa without helping and it was a bit hard emotionally - at that age her mum sat at the table with us doing some peeling etc while we cooked. But I was the youngest and a calm 10 year old. My mum has to contend with two 3yo underfoot and a wild 5yo.

If she agrees, then after the meal you can tell the kids that nana is going up for a nap even if she’s actually having Bailey’s and watching telly. If she doesn’t agree then she needs to come up with a plan or put up and shut up.

she sounds awful, you sound too nice.

No one has to enjoy kids, or even want to spend time around them, even i you are a grand-parent. But don't come to a family house on Christmas Day of all day and complain about the kids there

I think I’d just say if you need a rest feel free to go upstairs . There’s nothing you can do about the kids being excited on Christmas Day! I think older generations can struggle with how involved we are with our kids. My upbringing was similar, mum cooking and being stressed, dad going pub and coming back late and drunk, mum and dad rowing and us left to our own devices . Good times!

It’s not 1960 though. Parents realise the importance of spending time with their children, especially when throughout the year, most are working full time, so don’t get to. The mother sounds like a selfish woman. Again, poor OP.

I'm a couple of years younger than your mum. I'm my almost 80 year old disabled husband's carer. I've had various family staying over the past ten days, five here today. Last visitors going Sunday. I've done all the cooking, washing up, shopping etc. I could have cried last night as the arthritis in my hands was so bad

Loved it, not sure what sounds too much for your mum. You have to be careful you don't downplay it so much for her that you spoil it for you and your kids.

If it's because you have other visitors you could offer another low key day but don't spoil Christmas day for yourself.

Yes and as a grandmother I love the time with the GC.

Hmmm the ‘talent show’ would have finished me off.

I bet you do. 😉

That just reminded me of my dd being excited at Christmas to show granny her magic set. She did a trick where you pretend to throw water over the audience. Except she mis understood and chucked water on my ooor mum!

I think some people are being harsh. With the posts you see on here of people leaving (non toxic) mums alone on Christmas Day, you’ve included her in your celebrations and given her her own floor of the house.

If it’s getting too much, she’s free to take herself off to her floor for a nap anytime.