Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

She finds it a bit much? Perhaps it was the bits that weren't all centred around her, that diluted attention away from her, that she find a trifle difficult? Such a shame.

She can still get herself up the stairs to take herself off for a lie down if it's all a bit much, but that doesn't actually fulfill her real needs, for it not to be centred around the children, the family, and the friends, but around HER, does it? Will nobody think about the Grand Dame?!

As with overindulged children who get irate when they are not the centre of all things, don't negotiate with terrorists. Ignore, or point out her options for when it gets too much, her choice for next year, whether she decides to tough it out and weather yet another family Christmas rather than a Christmas that's all about her, or to sit in solitary splendour at home doing what she wants, when she wants, and get on with enjoying the season, with your kids and your friends. She can decide whether to sit there and sulk or join in.

Even my mother was never so silly as to be so blatant.

You don't have to change your plans because of her advancing years. If her issue is your children being kids at Christmas, maybe she should stay home next year. I'd be so upset and furious if my parents reacted this way to my kids. They'd not be welcome the following year.

Are you feeling quite well? What on earth are you on about.

Why do you need to scale back your Christmas to suit her? She is a guest accepting your hospitality, in your house. If the issue was friends being there you could consider not inviting them, if YOU wanted to. But it sounds like that is not the issue.

I would be having a serious talk to say that Christmas is for your kids, who will not be going anywhere 😆 Next year she can go for a lie down if it's too much, or not come, her choice 💁

Yes, it's a damned cheek for some kids to want to play at Christmas. They should sit quietly with their fingers on their lips...

"Full on"!! It's Christmas.

My parents are the same age and would have loved your day, OP. Is your mum just getting a bit cranky? Presumably she could have gone upstairs for a rest or a break at any point if she really had needed it. I don’t think your Christmas sounds too “full on” at all.

Quite well, thank you for asking!

Or we could get you a taxi at 5 if you've had enough by then and would rather not stay the night?

The OP said her mother lives hours away and travels by train which is why she stays for several days.

Yes that was quite a rant wasn't it.

Within reason - by which I mean they're not being brats, and by the sound of it yours aren't - the DCs come first. They're her grandchildren.

She says you have to take account of her advancing years, no, she has to adjust to the ages of the children. Or not come.

Over stimulation. I love my brother's children but I'm not used to being around small kids so I do find the few days over Christmas quite tiring.

Your Christmas sound lovely - I wouldn't do anything different in future other than plan activities/food timings to allow a good break for her in the middle of the afternoon - and specifically invite her to go upstairs to her room to relax with a cup of tea. Everyone else can play games while she is upstairs and things she particularly enjoys (talent shows, pudding if spacing food out etc.) can happen when she's back down.

Next year tell her she can have a quiet Xmas on her own

Thing is, you do have children and you can’t send them to childcare on Christmas Day, so she’s going to have to take a view: either she doesn’t come for Xmas, or she avails herself of the spare bedroom and takes herself off for naps or a quiet time when she needs to. She is being unreasonable, you have kids, kids are going to be noisy and excitable on Christmas Day. Maybe you can factor in an hour of quiet time , though I don’t how you could do that. But she can’t expect you either to get rid of the DC for the day, or to sit quietly watching TV. That would be very dull for everyone. She is going to have to decide how she wants to deal with it , there isn’t really anything you can do that will give her the Xmas she wants, and still be a fun day for everyone else.

Then next year she can go after lunch or she can rest after Christmas and put up with it for one day , her choice.

It sounds lovely and I bet she tells everyone that she had a lovely Christmas.

Some older people just want to be the centre of attention.

Well the op said there was games and then the kids put on a show but said there was no pressure to join in, it did all sound like a lot of stuff was happening so "full on" not that there is anything wrong with the Ops Christmas day, just her mum might have found it a bit much i don't know why you just quoted part of my post

Most of us have probably had young kids and tbh ours did not take over christmas day, not saying the op's did but we were visiting a few days ago and young kids were literally sat in the middle of the room playing with the noisiest most annoying toys whilst adults shouted over them. Some parents seem oblivious to it. They don't need to sit silently reading a book but there is a happy medium isn't there. Maybe the op is desensitised to it but perhaps they were full on and screeching all day.

I'd talk to my dm and see what would work better next year.

If you're finding it a bit full on and the kids and the noise a bit much, surely you take yourself off for a cup of tea and a lie down, particularly if you've got a whole floor on which to do it? If there's one day that's allowed to be a bit child centric, and they can let loose with the godawful noisy toys, while the adults perhaps bellow at one another as they keep the whole show on the road, usually having one too many at the same time, surely that's Christmas Day?!

A lot of older people don't actually really have the energy for young kids, especially those of the era where kids were expected to go and play elsewhere with very little adult entertainment. My in laws definitely expect the kids to bugger off & leave grown ups sat chatting over a long meal. They expect that the slightly older DC will occupy the smallest ones and that the children won't really interfere with the day at all. My pil would certainly not be expecting to play board games with children etc. My eldest wanted to play a carol on the piano for them (he's doing his grade 3 so he's not awful, can play a carol nicely) and they weren't interested at all.

'Some older people just want to be the centre of attention'

Some people get tired of the noise when some kids stand in the middle of a room and play noisily for hours while other people are actually trying to have a conversation.

Sorry but what did your mum expect? For your children not to be there? Not to play games? Not to have a sing and dance?
Did she expect them to sit still all day and not speak or move?

Sounds like a nice, quiet normal Christmas, op. Your mum is the issue

'If you're finding it a bit full on and the kids and the noise a bit much, surely you take yourself off for a cup of tea and a lie down, particularly if you've got a whole floor on which to do it'

Oh good idea Grandma should have just gone to bed for the day .

Oh, ffs. Can’t you give the ageism a rest for Christmas?

Well, if that's more her cup of tea, yes. However, if she wants to have her cake and eat it too, she can exercise her free will and her legs, and dip in and out as she wishes.

OP you sound lovely and your day sounds very nice.

I'd not take it as a personal attack or anything, she maybe is a bit blindisded by how tiring she found it too.

You have young kids and nice friendly neighbours, you don't have to massively change YOUR xmas day, maybe sit with your mum at some point and see what she'd prefer for next year and how she'd like to fit around your standard xmas. Would she prefer to come for a shorter time for example?

Tough then really isn’t it? You have young children, a lot of the day with be geared around them. I’d suggest that she doesn’t come next year for Xmas day. Maybe she can come before or after for a couple of days.

She wants the attention on her and the adults and she can’t have that. She doesn’t sound very pleasant at all, being as you obviously made an effort to include everyone, she could have come to have quiet time, no-one was forced to join in. You can do no more. I’d be really pissed at her comments after all your effort and would want her to go home. I really feel for you actually. 💐