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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

972 replies

MyQuirkyFinch · 26/12/2025 10:24

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

OP posts:
CurlyhairedAssassin · 26/12/2025 12:50

RampantIvy · 26/12/2025 10:28

TBH it does sound rather full on to me. I am younger than your mum and am very sociable, but where is the down time when you can just snooze in front of the TV?

Whenever you want, surely? Surely people don't have strict Christmas Day schedules, apart from when the dinner's going to be served? Anyone who feels tired can go and have a snooze if they want, can't they?

Or was she sleeping on a sofa bed which was in use all day or something?

GalaxyJam · 26/12/2025 12:50

Disturbia81 · 26/12/2025 12:47

Not in any world I’ve lived in! Tv is great to distract kids for a while and great to break up the social pressure to be constantly “on”.

Show quote history

3 kids here and we never have the TV on on Christmas Day! In fact it’s never on ‘in the background’ ever, and definitely not if we have guests. The TV is on if someone wants to watch something in particular.

DahlsChickenz · 26/12/2025 12:51

Nucleus · 26/12/2025 12:12

Which given the MN 'law' that people should butt out of relationships with 'the other side' becomes tricky. How to build a relationship with a DIL who has decided that it is her husband's responsibility to manage his side of the family? Without being overbearing/interfering etc.

It's all a bit theoretical at this stage as both DS are only teen/YA and one in particular has been put off the idea of a girlfriend let alone wife by a bad first experience!

Show quote history

I think if you're already seeing it as an adversarial relationship you will find it difficult.

usedtobeaylis · 26/12/2025 12:51

Does she want your children to be seen and not heard? It sounds like she finds them draining. But that's not your problem, it's their home. Ultimately it's her choice whether to come to your house or not.

BustyLaRoux · 26/12/2025 12:53

She is a guest in your home and it isn’t for her to complain about how your perfectly lovely sounding Christmas Day wasn’t to her liking. She doesn’t have to come. I presume she had use of a bedroom where she could have taken herself off for a quiet half an hour if needed. How rude of her to complain!

pizzaHeart · 26/12/2025 12:54

I think your Christmas sounds absolutely normal and not too much at all. I think the problem was that your mum wanted not a child oriented Christmas and where she was absolutely unreasonable. She shouldnt have come to yours then .
I guess if you have children around there are toys, and specific noises and she probably expected to have a conversations with your friends on grown up topics where they were playing with kids, board games were probably suitable for children not for 18+, drinking was limited in a way. If she visits you only rarely and lives alone the rest of the time and it’s not what she used to - I’m not surprised to her reaction. It’s about her attitude not your Christmas.
I would leave it for now, invite her cheerfully next year and gently warn her that she knows what it like so it’s her choice.
A bit disappointing for you as you did such a great job by the sound of it. ☹️

CurlyhairedAssassin · 26/12/2025 12:55

Whoops, should have read the full thread before replying. It doesn't sound like you did anything wrong. It sounds like it's more her that's the issue, maybe she just gets anxious on Christmas day based on her history. Or is she neurodivergent or something?

If she's trying to make out that it's the kids she doesn't enjoy, and the kids are well-behaved, then I wouldn't invite her again.

Changename12 · 26/12/2025 12:55

How is your mother when it is not Christmas? Is she very hands on generally with the grandchildren? You can’t really change your Christmas as your children will be the most important part. Before your Mum leaves, you need to ask her what she wants to do next year. You need to tell her that your set up can’t change much, but if she needs some time out she can always go to her room and watch TV. Ask her if she really wants to come next year. Would she prefer to come before or after Christmas next year instead of for the day?
For what it is worth, we are just a bit younger than your mother and we had a lovely day. We went to one of our children’s homes for the day and had a wonderful with our children/grandchildren. We all popped out mid morning to go to their neighbours with more children etc.

Cherrytree86 · 26/12/2025 13:00

A lot of mumsnetters can’t see a place for friends on Christmas Day, as to them Christmas is a FAMILY DAY! This thread makes that obvious. In the real world meanwhile people prioritise both friends and family

Giggorata · 26/12/2025 13:00

I haven't RTFT, so may be repeating things, but I think that having this conversation on Boxing Day is a bit early, as she will still be tired.
I'm younger than your DM, had guests on Xmas Eve and a quieter Xmas Day with DH, and I'm still exhausted today.
I also think that you couldn't have better arrangements for her, with a suite of rooms for her to retire to, and so I wonder why she didn't do this.
That is the kind of conversation I would have with her, when the dust has settled. It's not reasonable to curb the DC's Xmas.
In the meantime, I would be trying tactfully to send her off when she looks as though she needs a break.

BlahBlah2025 · 26/12/2025 13:02

That’s sad but maybe drill deeper. Ask her what would have been an ideal day and what she would have changed. Maybe there’s more going on? Maybe she’s just tired? You did a great job OP. As people age things change though, sometimes even their personalities…

BernardButlersBra · 26/12/2025 13:03

I would not be changing anything unless you want to. Bit tough if she prefers a child free Christmas, maybe she needs to make other plans for next year if it doesn't suit. You are the ones doing the hosting which is quite a lot of work and it doesn't sound like she contributed anything. She has a bedroom to relax in if it gets a bit much

Sillysaussicon · 26/12/2025 13:04

Agree that she probably didn't want your friends there and expected to to be more shielded from the kids but is being too 'polite' to say that.

I wouldn't do your Christmas any differently it all sounds like good fun, making memories for the kid takes priority and you can have whoever you want to your house if you're hosting. Next year just prewarn her of the general plan (she will know now what Xmas with two young children is really like) and offer that she's welcome to go to a spare room or whoever whenever she wants there is no expectation to help with the kids or socialize with your friends.

Grammarnut · 26/12/2025 13:04

Simplelobsterhat · 26/12/2025 12:39

It sounds a lovely day, and if you are right that the kids are the issue then she just has to suck that up really doesn't she!? No one should be trying to make Christmas day less centred around kids! The only things you can do is make sure she has somewhere to go to for quiet, which it sounds like she did, and ensure she knows she is welcome to do that without offense. You can also avoid asking her to 'mind the kids ' too much I suppose, although if it is when you are cooking or cleaning up Christmas dinner, it doesn't seem too much to ask! If that's not enough,

If she's genuine about liking the neighbours being there, it may make things worse if you didn't invite them again, as they probably help reduce the attention kids are demanding from her. I know my mil said she finds it easier when the other grandmother is also there for that reason!

Show quote history

I didn't 'mind' any DC on Christmas Day and no-one asked me to - nor my equivalent ancient lady. We sat and drank, spoke to DC, marvelled at the peculiar presents they had, and joined in the mostly adult themed game (a dice game where prizes were 'won' and then could be claimed by another player) later. I helped slightly with clearing up.

MyLittleNest · 26/12/2025 13:04

"This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. "

You said in a later post that you think her issue is with the kids (your kids, her grandkids) and not the neighbors.

She should have kept her thoughts to herself. What does she expect you to do? It's your home and you have children. And it is Christmas, a day when kids should be happy and excited and full of joy. You should not be made to feel torn between your children and giving your mother the quiet day she seems to be asking for going forward.

IMO, Christmas is about the kids. I'm sorry, but your mother sounds very selfish. I'd let her know that you understand if it's too much for her, but children are only young for a short period of time and you and your husband want to be able to carry on with your traditions. She is welcome to visit on a less exciting day, or on a day when the kids are in school, if it's too much for her.

She should be grateful to be included at all!

CinnamonJellyBeans · 26/12/2025 13:09

Your Christmas sounds amazing and you should not change a thing.

Your mum is a miserable old sow. She could have just sloped off to her guest suite for a nap.

user1492809438 · 26/12/2025 13:10

Sounds like a brilliant day. I am 70. Next year, don't invite her.

CurlewKate · 26/12/2025 13:10

WorkingItOutAsIGo · 26/12/2025 10:25

Probably just wanted a special day with you and your children, rather than watching you with your friends.

Because older people are incapable of socialising. Right.

ZenNudist · 26/12/2025 13:12

Lots of people don't enjoy Christmas. Let her know it's OK to go and chill in her room, it won't offend everyone. I'd have loved to watch my ipad yesterday after dinner.

AngelinaFibres · 26/12/2025 13:12

PeytonandAvie · 26/12/2025 10:29

She probably just wanted it to be just the family for Christmas. Probably having the neighbours was to much for her.

This. Invite the friends for coffee on Boxing Day. Keep Christmas Day for family.

Chasbots · 26/12/2025 13:12

I wouldn't discount envy here.

You clearly had the sort of Christmas that she didn't manage to get when you were kids.

I'd echo the hearing loss thing too.

As you say, you can't pack the kids off elsewhere...

outerspacepotato · 26/12/2025 13:13

She didn't do physically taxing work so it sounds like she felt overstimulated by kids and or your visitors.

It sounds like you had a nice Xmas but she's over the whole Xmas shebang.

But I wouldn't change what you're doing. You have this holiday in your home and it's kid focused. This isn't her day and she's kind of low key trying to dial what you do for your family holiday in your home back. That's not acceptable. She's being self centered here.

KnittingOnEmpty · 26/12/2025 13:14

Maybe next year she can just stay home then. She sounds a bit dramatic. Not like she didn't know people and felt she had to be 'on best form' - no-one would have minded had she had a moment upstairs to herself. My mum would have sat and joined in and loved watching the kids playing at 75 and she was getting older and stiffer by then.

Daygloboo · 26/12/2025 13:17

MyQuirkyFinch · 26/12/2025 10:24

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

Either see if she doesnt want to come at all and maybe just visit her for a few hours the week before?
Or, if she stays, maybe she can have the lunch and then go off to her room and listen to the radio or have a TV in her room or just sleep. Make her feel its ok just to do her own thing.

HettyMeg · 26/12/2025 13:17

I'm sorry you've had this comment from her, it's horrible to feel you've put on a nice day to then be blindsided. She would have been better leaving it a few days to say this rather than right after Christmas.