Mum says Christmas was too much for her and I forget she’s getting older

[MyQuirkyFinch]

We don’t have any family on my DH’s side so each year my mum stays with us. There’s me and DH plus 2DCs 7 and 3.
This year the couple next door came for lunch and stayed for the afternoon. They are some of our best friends and my mum knows them well and likes them.
We had a low key day by a lot of people’s standards. DH and I did all the cooking and got up early with the kids to open stockings etc. Our friends helped a lot with tidying up/entertaining the kids (as did my mum). Friends also brought puddings and cheese so we didn’t have to worry about that.
When we weren’t eating we played some games - dominoes, charades etc. Largely to entertain the kids we did a little talent show DC3 made us laugh with her elaborate dance to Frozen. Nobody had to join in anything they didn’t want to, I don’t believe in forced fun!

Everything passed without a hitch and everyone seemed to have fun. Kids were good and opened their presents in stages so didn’t get too hyper and sat nicely at the table to eat their lunch.

My mum went up to bed shortly after the kids so had an early night.

This morning she has blind sided me by saying it was all too much for her. She’s too old for a day like that and we need to be more understanding of her advancing years. She is 75 with no health conditions. I genuinely didn’t expect her to do anything other than sit on my house, eat and drink and play the odd card game with the kids.

Thinking about how I can scale it back next year but not sure how…. Any ideas?!

You do what you want, and more importantly what your DC want. You don’t need to scale down anything IF you don’t want to. She can choose to be a part of it…or not. Her wants don’t trump everyone else’s. She’s ageing and this attitude may escalate and not only to Xmas. Set a precedent.

Op - my parents are 75 and 66 - they would also dislike the neighbours being there, but would be too polite to say anything.

If she doesn’t see or is around young DC much during the year, the noise and chaos of them at Christmas could be overwhelming. Not saying DC have to sit quietly all the time she is there, but give her more options in the day to opt out of their play without seeing it as rude

sounds like a very quiet day to me

but when you are a guest in your own child's house, no one stops you from going to your bedroom for a couple of hours nap/ rest.

You can't do that when you host, but if she found it too much, she could have just disappear and rest.

Yes, I’d have taken myself off. I wouldn’t expect the day to be tailored to my needs. I understand the drained aspect but that’s my issue not theirs.

I think she would have preferred no extra people, just you and your children but it's not really her house to dictate that.

Offer to take her home after lunch next year. You can drink champagne once she has gone, and enjoy a party! I think you can agree a different plan without it ruining yours and the children’s fun!

I was thinking the same! I’d not give it another thought other than to say she’s welcome to spend more time in her room rather than joining in, if she feels it’s too much (or not going to yours at all).

I certainly wouldn’t be changing giving your kids a magical Christmas because your mum finds it too much.

This. The “talent show” sounds a bit full on, too.

She sounds inflexible and unreasonable. If she had a whole floor to herself with her own bedroom/bathroom and TV, she could have excused herself and gone to her room for a rest.

It is your children's home and they should be able to enjoy Christmas Day without you being worried that they are 'too much' for your mum.

Except the OP said

i’ve tried to ask her more about it this morning and it does seem to centre around the kids. Say she loves having the neighbours over because they’re such nice people and really enjoyed the talent show because she got to sing her German song

Basically she wants the kids to be seen and not heard and everyone to focus more on her.

I am 75. I went to lunch and Christmas festivities with my step-son's DC and their DC. There were nineteen of us and DC quite excited (mostly excited earlier and calmed down). We exchanged the gifts that Santa had brought to the wrong address (two DC under 7) while dinner was cooked. We played a game after dinner and got variously tipsy. I enjoyed it.
Perhaps asking your mum to play with DC is a bit much? Personally, I'd rather help with the washing up! I have done my bit with playing with DC (though I occasionally do it) and perhaps your mum feels the same.

This exactly.
You can see your neighbours anytime.

Her choice for next year is a child-centred Christmas with you, or she is free to find others to spend an adult Christmas Day with. Her having no other family absolutely does not mean you change your Christmas to some children being seen and not heard nonsense to suit her. And yes, she has limited remaining christmases and you’ll miss her when she’s gone, but you also have limited remaining magical christmases with small children.

Fair enough. Missed that somehow.

Apparently, OP's mum enjoyed the talent show and she sang a German song. OP has said that she actually doesn't enjoy being with her grandchildren and wishes that the day was adults only.

As OP's mum doesn't have any other children, unless OP puts her kids in an orphanage, the only way her mum can have a child-free Christmas is to stay at home on her own. It's her choice, but to moan about Christmas Day is rude and ungrateful of her.

It sounds a lovely day, and if you are right that the kids are the issue then she just has to suck that up really doesn't she!? No one should be trying to make Christmas day less centred around kids! The only things you can do is make sure she has somewhere to go to for quiet, which it sounds like she did, and ensure she knows she is welcome to do that without offense. You can also avoid asking her to 'mind the kids ' too much I suppose, although if it is when you are cooking or cleaning up Christmas dinner, it doesn't seem too much to ask! If that's not enough,

If she's genuine about liking the neighbours being there, it may make things worse if you didn't invite them again, as they probably help reduce the attention kids are demanding from her. I know my mil said she finds it easier when the other grandmother is also there for that reason!

OP has said that her mum has a whole floor to herself in OP's home, with her own bedroom, bathroom and TV. She could have excused herself and gone upstairs for a rest but she didn't. She just complained about everything afterwards.

I think people are focusing on the neighbours because she was obviously up for spending the day with you and your children, maybe the neighbours were a surprise and required effort to then socialise with others who aren't immediate family.
But it is your house, and sounds like you were a great host for the day.

This. Other people’s children can also be very tiring however much you love them. OP, perhaps suggest she takes some time out in her room watching a bit of tv if she finds it too much. Maybe she feels she needs to be present the whole time but you could reassure her she doesn’t.

She doesn’t want to spend Christmas alone in her room..

Just ask mum to tell you what she would have preferred. If you can accommodate it do. If you can't as it will make the day rubbish for the kids then maybe spend Xmas eve or boxing day with her next year and have Xmas day how you want.

Not in any world I’ve lived in! Tv is great to distract kids for a while and great to break up the social pressure to be constantly “on”.

Well that’s fine, but she can’t have everything her way, can she? If you’re being hosted you usually have to compromise a little.

I'm 75 and enjoyed a family Xmas. Tell her to stay at home next year.