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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fucking thankful I'm single?

256 replies

GlitzAndGigglesx · 26/12/2025 02:01

Been single for 9 years now. I love it. Left a DV relationship and find it hard to trust or build a bond with a man without them getting on my last fucking nerve. I'll be happy dying single. But my gosh the threads I've seen the past few days about people's partner's/husbands being lazy or miserable or ungrateful over this supposedly happy period reminds me how happy I am not having to deal with all that shit anymore

OP posts:
xSideshowAuntSallyXx · 26/12/2025 09:55

DeftWasp · 26/12/2025 09:38

I'll give a male perspective - I'm a nice, decent chap in mid 40's. Two serious relationships, the first cheated on me and left (leaving me heartbroken), the second, for no reason decided to up and go.

Thankfully I hadn't married either of them, I now find myself in mid 40's, having worked hard, owning two properties outright and being very secure - frankly any serious relationship, especially with marriage involved would not be worth the risk.

It seems people just don't really have staying power any more - I'm not talking about abusive relationships, which of course need to end, but for example one on another current thread where the OP is wanting divorce after 20 years because her DH isn't much use around the house - the solution there of course is easy, hire a cleaner/housekeeper. The net result of that is both will be fiscally buggered in their mid 40's.

Its sad, but not worth the risk, so I have gracefully bowed out and am quite happy single.

I think when you get to our age (I'm also 40s) and you're happy, financially secure, good job, you really struggle with the idea of letting someone in, especially if you've been hurt in the past.

KimberleyClark · 26/12/2025 09:57

SoftBalletShoes · 26/12/2025 09:46

I think a big thing that gets people marrying is the desire to have children and a family life. Leads people right up the garden path, that desire! If you're happy not having children, in a way that's a blessing because you're less likely to marry the wrong person when there's no time pressure. You don't mention kids, so it seems you're not that bothered.

Enjoy your low-pressure, stable life! And not marrying or co-habiting doesn't mean you can't ever date. Go for a divorced women - many of us never want to marry again if we live to be a thousand!

Show quote history

I’m very happily married and childless. Without kids or mortgage, ending things would be straightforward if we wanted to do that, but we don’t. We stay together because we want to. My DH is older and so likely to predecease me, but in that event I will not be looking for another relationship.

Probablyshouldntsay · 26/12/2025 10:00

I agree OP 🥰I cringe to think back over past christmases where I’ve loved the man I was with so have done all the wife work, chosen man a thoughtful gift, spent time with his family etc etc only to be rewarded with lazy, thoughtless gift, critiqued over my cooking, pawed at and left to clean up while he snored on the sofa.
This year I spent Christmas Day in female company only, my dd, sisters and female cousin. We had an amazing time, my face actually hurt from laughing so much.
I do have wonderful men in my life who are in healthy relationships, so I’m not a misandrist by any means - however I can’t imagine giving up my happiness ever ever again

Sharpzebra · 26/12/2025 10:00

I'm not single but have been in a dv marriage before thankfully my now dh is nothing like half the men I have read about on here that said I would be single if I ever split up with my husband now because I couldn't be bothered to actually get involved in another mans life given what alot of men are like

LadyTable · 26/12/2025 10:06

HelmholtzWatson · 26/12/2025 04:47

On the other hand, hundreds of thousands of people have had a wonderful Xmas with their families, and are too busy enjoying life to care about telling mumsnet about it.

I think it's not always that they're too busy to tell MN about it but I've lost count of the threads over the years, where a woman starts a thread saying how lovely her husband is, others start to post about their lovely husbands and BOOM!

Loads of MNetters come on to say they shouldn't be 'grateful' or they'll get accused of being 'smug'.

I kid you not, there's even been calls for trigger warnings because those sort of threads can 'upset MNetters who don't have a great relationship'.

So as much as I agree there are some God awful DHs being posted about on here, it's obviously going to be skewed because MNetters really only tend to start threads about the bad ones.

sharkstale · 26/12/2025 10:07

MamsKnit · 26/12/2025 05:08

It depends what you mean by abuse. I know of very few relationships where there is real equality. I see women still doing the lion’s share of housework as though they are their partner’s slave. Every woman I know has experience a profound and irrevocable change to her lifestyle after marriage and kids while the men’s lives remain pretty much the same or are enhanced by having a family. No wonder women have to be brainwashed to believe they need a man to be fulfilled. A lot of young women are seeing right through the con and refusing to be brainwashed.

Show quote history

This

AllPlayedOut · 26/12/2025 10:10

DeftWasp · 26/12/2025 09:38

I'll give a male perspective - I'm a nice, decent chap in mid 40's. Two serious relationships, the first cheated on me and left (leaving me heartbroken), the second, for no reason decided to up and go.

Thankfully I hadn't married either of them, I now find myself in mid 40's, having worked hard, owning two properties outright and being very secure - frankly any serious relationship, especially with marriage involved would not be worth the risk.

It seems people just don't really have staying power any more - I'm not talking about abusive relationships, which of course need to end, but for example one on another current thread where the OP is wanting divorce after 20 years because her DH isn't much use around the house - the solution there of course is easy, hire a cleaner/housekeeper. The net result of that is both will be fiscally buggered in their mid 40's.

Its sad, but not worth the risk, so I have gracefully bowed out and am quite happy single.

I’ve read that divorce thread and it’s so obviously not about just some housework. A cleaner would in no way be a solution. The problem is clearly much deeper than that and the housework is just a symptom not the actual problem. The problem is that she’s had to think for the 2 of them for two decades, that he doesn’t consider her needs, is happy to leave the labour to her, that they aren’t equal partners, that she’s effectively parenting him. The fact that you can’t see that and think that a cleaner is the solution, so that he has to do even less, is very telling.

TheNameWasOnceChosen · 26/12/2025 10:13

I'm single. I've never been in a DV relationship, far from it. I know that all blokes aren't the same.

I'm truly grateful I don't have a man in my life.

TheNameWasOnceChosen · 26/12/2025 10:15

And AllPlayedOut you are so right about all that.

Minjou · 26/12/2025 10:16

mumofoneAloneandwell · 26/12/2025 02:03

Yanbu at all 😭😭😭

Mumsnet makes the marriage sounds like hell

I suppose it's because generally the people posting are the ones with problems, looking for support. I would not really think of posting "my husband is a lovely kind man who does half the workload and parenting and we're very happy", though it's entirely true 😄o

Mantari · 26/12/2025 10:16

AllPlayedOut · 26/12/2025 10:10

I’ve read that divorce thread and it’s so obviously not about just some housework. A cleaner would in no way be a solution. The problem is clearly much deeper than that and the housework is just a symptom not the actual problem. The problem is that she’s had to think for the 2 of them for two decades, that he doesn’t consider her needs, is happy to leave the labour to her, that they aren’t equal partners, that she’s effectively parenting him. The fact that you can’t see that and think that a cleaner is the solution, so that he has to do even less, is very telling.

Edited
Show quote history

This. That post was very revealing!

MamsKnit · 26/12/2025 10:17

something I have never told anyone is that I really don’t like the idea of being someone’s “other half”. Although our culture makes it quite difficult to be single, I just hate the idea of being someone’s “wife” or “girlfriend” with all its implications about status. When I was young I craved it because I wanted to fit in, I suppose but now I don’t feel I have to.

Also, this isn’t why I am single but the number of “decent” men I know who stray is horrendous and I don’t think their wives have a clue. Some have even tried it on with stony old ice-queen me. I guess they like a challenge.

Mantari · 26/12/2025 10:20

I am happily married, but if anything happened to my DH I would remain single. There are too many bad men out there. I think Germaine Greer was right, sadly.

Brightbluesomething · 26/12/2025 10:21

This year Christmas has been so much calmer than last year when I left my ex just after. Not because of his Christmas behaviour but a build up of crap behaviour and the final straw of disrespect and ghosting afterwards.

I’ve done what I want to do, my DC’s have had a lovely time and there hasn’t been a single argument or even slightly stressful situation. Being single does have its advantages.

There’s no way my exP would have enjoyed our Christmas Day. We had a relaxed day, great food, friends popped in then my exH and we opened his presents from the DC’s all together, then off to see family/friends nearby with DS. He’d have been stressed to hell all day and ruined it for us. And he hated his ex so could never understand why I get on with mine.
It’s a really stark contrast and proves that being single is far better than being with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.
I would like to find a partner as DC’s are getting older now but now I’ve had a single Christmas and enjoyed it I’d rather be single than in any relationship that doesn’t add value to my life.

GalaxyJam · 26/12/2025 10:24

To be fair, those of us who had a lovely day with our kind, considerate partner who bought us lovely gifts and cooked the dinner for the whole family, including their in laws, weren’t posting on here yesterday complaining! We were sat with a glass of champagne in hand enjoying the day.

Imbrocator · 26/12/2025 10:26

Worth remembering that people usually aren’t motivated to come on MN to gush about how wonderful their husbands/partners are, so by definition you’ll be getting a very skewed perspective of the calibre of man available. But really happy you’re happy OP. Enjoy the good life!

Inwhitelights · 26/12/2025 10:30

GlitzAndGigglesx · 26/12/2025 02:01

Been single for 9 years now. I love it. Left a DV relationship and find it hard to trust or build a bond with a man without them getting on my last fucking nerve. I'll be happy dying single. But my gosh the threads I've seen the past few days about people's partner's/husbands being lazy or miserable or ungrateful over this supposedly happy period reminds me how happy I am not having to deal with all that shit anymore

100% I feel men have no redeeming features at all at my age 54. I cannot imagine anyone adding anything positive to my imperfect and stressful life at all… I thought I’d hate to die alone but now I’d prefer it!

Luckyingame · 26/12/2025 10:30

Absolutely YANBU.
Happily married for 20 years, no kids, still want my single life!

paradisecircus · 26/12/2025 10:34

I love the single life but it's what I'm used to I guess, and it wouldn't be for everyone. There are things I can see would be lovely about a relationship and family life but I look at (or read about!) a lot of couples & think I've dodged a bullet.

Wildbushlady · 26/12/2025 10:35

I'm happily married, and incredibly grateful for it today.

We have had a disaster of a Christmas, every member of the family falling sick one by one. By Christmas day the children and DH were better thankfully, but that is when I was felled.

DH hosted everyone yesterday. And today he has insisted I stay tucked up in bed as he takes care of the house, the children and the animals. He keeps popping up to check on me and bring me drinks.

I'm not sure what I'd ever do without him, and hope I dont have to find out. I know that I would never have another relationship if something happened to him, the idea of anyone ever replacing him is laughable, and I would never want an unrelated male in my childrens (and maybe one day future grandchildrens) home.

TwistedWonder · 26/12/2025 10:39

Agree OP. I’m still good friends with my ex DH who actually wasn’t useless but after 6 years single, I can’t imagine ever being in another relationship again.

If I met a fabulous man I’d date him but never ever ever cohabit again. I love my peaceful flat and the fact I get home from work and don’t have anyone wanting a conversation with me.

GoldsolesLugs · 26/12/2025 10:39

PixieDust91 · 26/12/2025 02:23

I just can't imagine staying for 10+ YEARS hoping for a proposal. I was getting so impatient around the 1.5-2 year mark.... these women have the patience of a saint apparently lmao

What sad is when they have kids with these losers. The poor children have to suffer.

Show quote history

Could propose yourself. Then you'd know one way or the other.

MovedlikeHarlowinMonteCarlo · 26/12/2025 10:41

I agree with the op.

My ex and I have a better relationship than half of the marriages that get brought up on here.

TwistedWonder · 26/12/2025 10:44

MovedlikeHarlowinMonteCarlo · 26/12/2025 10:41

I agree with the op.

My ex and I have a better relationship than half of the marriages that get brought up on here.

Ditto. I get on fine with my ex and I actually think we would have a pretty decent Christmas together if we were both at a loose end.

ThisCalmMauveWriter · 26/12/2025 10:46

Why would you be BU?

Who would like to be stuck with lazy or miserable or ungrateful partners anyway. It must be as horrendous to be stuck with one of those, than it must be to be stuck with a nagging bitter resentful woman. Gay or straight couples, man or woman, life is miserable in a toxic relationship.

I would hate being single and miss someone waking up and smiling at me first thing, someone to jump in with bed most nights. I would miss the sex too!

Who do SOME posters try to push the narrative that only men want sex btw? they make women who are just as interested sound dirty or worst, why is that?

Being in a relationship adds to my freedom because someone else takes on all the slack, I love holidays with the right man who keeps things interesting.

Neither are wrong. I am hoping my sons will be decent men to, I am surrounded by normal very pleasant men, not all the creeps that abuse women on MN, and I can only hope my sons will be happy with decent partners.

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