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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be so fucking thankful I'm single?

256 replies

GlitzAndGigglesx · 26/12/2025 02:01

Been single for 9 years now. I love it. Left a DV relationship and find it hard to trust or build a bond with a man without them getting on my last fucking nerve. I'll be happy dying single. But my gosh the threads I've seen the past few days about people's partner's/husbands being lazy or miserable or ungrateful over this supposedly happy period reminds me how happy I am not having to deal with all that shit anymore

OP posts:
Splinting · 26/12/2025 06:58

SoftBalletShoes · 26/12/2025 05:48

This is all a bit smug, regarding your "belief" that others are best off in relationships than alone and that all the good ones are taken young. As for your sons, you say they have girlfriends, not wives, so presumably they're still young. I hope their relationships work out, but please don't have an attack of the vapours if they don't. As for your remark about them never having been interested in multiple unsatisfying relationships - again, how smug! Do you really think that anyone wants that??

This will probably fall on deaf ears, but please do try to get your head round the fact that not everyone is the same and that there is a substantial minority of people who do not want the sheer hassle, work, and emotional rollercoaster that is life with marriage and children.

But then, most people DO need another human being as their comfort blankie and cannot understand us independent types. I never wanted children either, so I'm used to people not getting it!

Edited
Show quote history

It’s great to make choices that suit you. And yes marriage and kids can be hard work. Singledom is a valid and understandable choice! I’m not sure about calling women who are married as needing a ‘comfort blankie’ and lacking independence. It is possible to be extremely independent within a marriage. In the same way dependent people can be unhappy and single.

unsync · 26/12/2025 07:45

Same. Had lunch with Dad in his care home. Then went to see my bestie. She had her adult children and DM with her. Five single women, three generations - it was lovely and we had fun. Zero conflict.

xSideshowAuntSallyXx · 26/12/2025 07:50

Dontlletmedownbruce · 26/12/2025 05:20

Good for anyone happy being single but I do think it's like comparing apples with oranges comparing single v bad relationship and single v good relationship. So many of the posters who celebrate being single then say they were in abusive relationships previously, so they were in fact the opposite to 'happy single' and are now going through a different phase of life. They have seen their own errors and want the world to know. However there are many women who wouldn't have tolerated an abusive relationship for 5 minutes so don't have experience of this, so to some extent those posters are preaching to the wrong crowd, they are criticising women for doing exactly the same as they did.

I'd rather be single and happy, than coupled and miserable.

As much as I miss having someone to share life's moments with I'm not going to upset my life by accepting just any old man, not now. I've spent 8 years rebuilding it after a 15 year relationship with an abusive,compulsive liar and narcissist who tried his hardest to destroy it.

I also think if my story can help one person leave an abusive relationship then it is worth telling.

My only 'error' was not getting out when it was just a little lie here or a lie there. I didn't go out to get into an abusive relationship, I dated many men before him who wouldn't raise a hand to a woman so I know what good relationships are like. I didn't intend to stay for 15 years but once you are in that cycle it is so hard to get out of it.

I really hate the victim blaming comments like "many women wouldn't have tolerated an abusive relationship for 5 minutes" like abused women are somehow to blame because they didn't leave when it is so much more complicated than just leaving.

Do I hate all men? No. Do I hate all the lazy, entitled, abusive men we read about on here? Absolutely!

Howardyoudo · 26/12/2025 07:53

Yabu ,if you had the experience of good men in your life you wouldn’t be this gleeful.
you only read about the awful ones on here.

BalladOfBarryAndFreda · 26/12/2025 07:54

YANBU, much better to be single than in a relationship that makes you unhappy more often than it makes you happy. That goes for both sexes.

OttersMayHaveShifted · 26/12/2025 07:56

I mean... YANBU that there are lots of threads about awful male partners and husbands. But obviously that is massively skewed by the fact thar all the other happily married women enjoying a lovely Christmas with their nice families aren't posting abouttheir relationships. If anything happened to dh of 22 years and I found myself unexpectedly single, I'd certainly want to stay that way though.

EatMyChristmas · 26/12/2025 07:56

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

BeQuirkyMintScroller · 26/12/2025 08:08

Dontlletmedownbruce · 26/12/2025 06:35

@MamsKnit I'm not having a go at women in abusive situations, at least I didn't intend it to read like that. I am however criticising women who say 'I hate all men, my ex was abusive' because they are projecting their own experiences and are entirely subjective. What particularly annoys me is the women who are so quick to judge others who are in relationships, often in a sneery tone but then admit they were in an abusive or toxic relationship themselves. Most people are in relationships because that's what they want, the attitude that they are there because they are not enlightened enough to see the negatives or too weak to leave is patronising and wrong. People should be respected for whatever life choices they make, single or not.

I get where you're coming from.

The only two options aren't:

  1. single or;
  2. absuive relationship

There is a third option....
3) good relationship

CotswoldsCamilla · 26/12/2025 08:16

I am happily married but I have to say, based on a lot of the relationships people post about on Mumsnet I can only assume that there are people who think that any relationship is better than being single, which is sad. My friend recently extracted herself from a relationship. Nothing wrong with the guy but they’d fallen out of love. They’re both now living their best single lives.
People don’t like change. Or indeed financial uncertainty or instability and will tolerate a lot to avoid these things.

brokenbiscuitsadness · 26/12/2025 08:18

Feel the same, divorced a year.
I’m currently in bed with a heavy cold. Was feeling a bit sorry for myself as no one to look after me then remembered no one would have looked after me anyway and I’d still be expect to organise and manage the whole of Xmas!
happy days I can just veg all day today and not have to deal with the manchild Ex!

curious79 · 26/12/2025 08:23

People aren’t coming onto mumsnet to post their happy stories but I see why you would think that!!

Jackiepumpkinhead · 26/12/2025 08:25

Completely agree with you OP! I’ve been single for about 10 years now and never been happier. I’ve been very fortunate that all previous relationships have been with decent men, but I just have no interest in having another relationship. I have a lovely life with my very close family and wonderful friends. A great job, my own house and an adorable little dog. There are a couple of people who think I should be in a relationship, but a lot of people (mainly women) are applauding my decision. I never wanted children so that has made my life uncomplicated, and I know that it can be very difficult to end a relationship when children are involved, especially financially. Reading Mumsnet makes me realise I am completely right in staying single. I would say all of my friends are unhappy in their relationships, none of them are with ‘bad men’, just lazy and expect their full time working partner to take responsibility for all the childcare and the house/life admin. It’s like it’s engrained into them, and they are so entitled.

SoftBalletShoes · 26/12/2025 08:33

Splinting · 26/12/2025 06:58

It’s great to make choices that suit you. And yes marriage and kids can be hard work. Singledom is a valid and understandable choice! I’m not sure about calling women who are married as needing a ‘comfort blankie’ and lacking independence. It is possible to be extremely independent within a marriage. In the same way dependent people can be unhappy and single.

Show quote history

I said "people," not "women." Goes for men too. Also never said that you have to be married to want to drag your comfort blankie around with you everywhere. I'm sorry, but I was narked by that poster who was so smug about partnered people and "believing" that being partnered is best for everyone.

JadedVeryJaded · 26/12/2025 08:35

YADNBU

Just skim read the thread about spent thousands on giving children a magical Christmas…..then we argued about the turkey and husband told me to fuck off …. another huge row later on and thought wow those poor children would probably rather have a father who didn’t shout and swear than the magical Christmas.

NessShaness · 26/12/2025 08:39

It made me sad yesterday to read so many threads from women who had done everything for Christmas and had no gifts to open, were left feeling upset and completely unappreciated, or had to spend the day with a drunken man child.

I am very grateful to be single, I couldn’t tolerate any of that bullshit for even a second. No, I don’t think it’s “all men” - I know plenty of good men, but there’s an awful lot of shit ones out there.

BunnyLake · 26/12/2025 08:58

I’ve been single for well over ten years now (probably more like 15). I never ever feel lonely and never miss having a man. I have adult sons and they’re the only males I love having in my life. Their dad made me so miserable and stressed it took me years to get my equilibrium back and the only way to keep it is to stay single.

HazelMember · 26/12/2025 09:00

Jonnyenglish · 26/12/2025 02:13

and no one saying where the pickle you been till this time of the night etc,

Show quote history

That sounds like a bad choice of man.

My DH has never said this to me.

Thepeopleversuswork · 26/12/2025 09:04

I was single for nine years and they honestly were some of the happiest years of my life. In a (happy) relationship now but I really miss it.

Cohabitation is grossly overrated.

localnotail · 26/12/2025 09:29

I'm going to join in saying how happy I am I have no miserable, abusive twat in my house - like so many posters on here seem to have. I married young, was married for quite some time - and never realised everyday life can se so stress free and enjoyable until I become single. Yes, I have other problems some days - loneliness and less money - but I'd take that any day over dealing with stroppy, nasty, unpleasant and grumpy man child who expects me to pander to his every wish.

Myblueclematis · 26/12/2025 09:32

The last Christmas Day I ever spent with my husband with his parents there, he left just after lunch as he was "on call" for his job as an engineer.

I later found out he left to go and visit his girlfriend. We split up a few months later.

I had lovely Christmas celebrations when at home with my parents and brother when younger and have had lovely Christmas Days since I divorced with no husband/partner around since but it still has a slight taint to it all these years later.

I did have a lovely time yesterday though, my cousin came over, he is on his own too, we had lovely food, nice wine, a few presents to open and everything cooked really well, he went home many hours later very happy and I watched Slow Horses, also very happy.

It was a very nice day. 🤗

DeftWasp · 26/12/2025 09:38

I'll give a male perspective - I'm a nice, decent chap in mid 40's. Two serious relationships, the first cheated on me and left (leaving me heartbroken), the second, for no reason decided to up and go.

Thankfully I hadn't married either of them, I now find myself in mid 40's, having worked hard, owning two properties outright and being very secure - frankly any serious relationship, especially with marriage involved would not be worth the risk.

It seems people just don't really have staying power any more - I'm not talking about abusive relationships, which of course need to end, but for example one on another current thread where the OP is wanting divorce after 20 years because her DH isn't much use around the house - the solution there of course is easy, hire a cleaner/housekeeper. The net result of that is both will be fiscally buggered in their mid 40's.

Its sad, but not worth the risk, so I have gracefully bowed out and am quite happy single.

MamsKnit · 26/12/2025 09:43

BeQuirkyMintScroller · 26/12/2025 08:08

I get where you're coming from.

The only two options aren't:

  1. single or;
  2. absuive relationship

There is a third option....
3) good relationship

Show quote history

I wouldn’t mind having a very close friendship with a man but once you have tasted freedom as a woman there is no going back. When I first discovered what it was like to be truly single (not wanting a relationship) it was as though I had discovered this incredible hidden secret that people kept from us because I had never really heard anyone talk about the pleasures of the single life. It is so peaceful. I have never met a man who didn’t resent in some way being with a powerful successful woman - unless it was in his cocklodger interests. Even in this day and age there are subtle ways in which many woman make themselves smaller when they are around such men. I have always been ambitious and desirous of power but when I am with a man there is less space for that human need to find its expression.

SoftBalletShoes · 26/12/2025 09:46

DeftWasp · 26/12/2025 09:38

I'll give a male perspective - I'm a nice, decent chap in mid 40's. Two serious relationships, the first cheated on me and left (leaving me heartbroken), the second, for no reason decided to up and go.

Thankfully I hadn't married either of them, I now find myself in mid 40's, having worked hard, owning two properties outright and being very secure - frankly any serious relationship, especially with marriage involved would not be worth the risk.

It seems people just don't really have staying power any more - I'm not talking about abusive relationships, which of course need to end, but for example one on another current thread where the OP is wanting divorce after 20 years because her DH isn't much use around the house - the solution there of course is easy, hire a cleaner/housekeeper. The net result of that is both will be fiscally buggered in their mid 40's.

Its sad, but not worth the risk, so I have gracefully bowed out and am quite happy single.

I think a big thing that gets people marrying is the desire to have children and a family life. Leads people right up the garden path, that desire! If you're happy not having children, in a way that's a blessing because you're less likely to marry the wrong person when there's no time pressure. You don't mention kids, so it seems you're not that bothered.

Enjoy your low-pressure, stable life! And not marrying or co-habiting doesn't mean you can't ever date. Go for a divorced women - many of us never want to marry again if we live to be a thousand!

BauhausOfEliott · 26/12/2025 09:52

MamsKnit · 26/12/2025 09:43

I wouldn’t mind having a very close friendship with a man but once you have tasted freedom as a woman there is no going back. When I first discovered what it was like to be truly single (not wanting a relationship) it was as though I had discovered this incredible hidden secret that people kept from us because I had never really heard anyone talk about the pleasures of the single life. It is so peaceful. I have never met a man who didn’t resent in some way being with a powerful successful woman - unless it was in his cocklodger interests. Even in this day and age there are subtle ways in which many woman make themselves smaller when they are around such men. I have always been ambitious and desirous of power but when I am with a man there is less space for that human need to find its expression.

Show quote history

I wouldn’t mind having a very close friendship with a man but once you have tasted freedom as a woman there is no going back.

I don’t feel less ‘free’ with my partner than I did when I was single.

I enjoyed being single. I also enjoy being with my partner.

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