To not text my Mum every morning!

[MenopausalMrs]

My Mum has been over today for Christmas dinner.

During dinner she said that she feels that I should text her every morning to check in that she is okay. For context, she has no health issues at all, but she is on her own and has been since my dad died in 2020.

I responded that I am a single parent who works full time and needs to get kids to school, packed lunches /myself ready etc and could she just text me instead.

She was annoyed about this and said it literally takes seconds to send a text, even sending one to me to demonstrate! She also mentioned that her friend’s children check in on them twice a day…

At this point I did lose my shit a bit because she wasn’t understanding that what for her is a second is another thing for me to remember to do in the morning, when she has nothing to do at all.

I’m so upset that apparently I am unreasonable when I don’t think I am… she’s supposed to be coming tomorrow but I just want to tell her not to.

Just feel like a shit person right now…

I think that some older people who are reasonably well seem to start feeling "helpless " as they grow older .This is in some way understandable .However she seems to want to be keeping up with her friends! I think unless she has a health problem I would say No .If shes ill the careline or something .You are busy with your own DC

We used to have my late father text every evening at 7 pm. Worked well to ensure he was on, except when his phone was out of battery or he forgot!!! It put the onus on him, which worked well

God this makes me angry. She’s trying to make you feel bad despite you being completely overloaded and her not. She ought to be offering to send a check in every morning as the message from her is the actual important one. She needs to take responsibility for that and even then it’s still a demand on you which given that you are a single parent is frustrating, is she planning to just entirely lean on you? And she could get sensors and wear a bracelet, theres loads she can do but she wants to guilt you instead. I’d tell her to fuck off frankly, but I have a tricky relationship with my mother

This.
That is why it makes more sense for the elderly parent to do the texting.

Some people on this thread are so harsh and uncaring. What has ‘mental load’ got to do with caring about your MOTHER? It isn’t a case of prioritising your children or a parent living alone - you can find a few minutes a day to prioritise both without detriment to the other. There comes a time as parents get older when the balance shifts and they stop being the ones who always support you and think about you, and the roles begin to be reversed. I was always happy to provide whatever support I could for my mum when she got older and was alone because she cared so selflessly about me when I was growing up and as an adult, and I also remembered how much she supported my grandma (her MIL) during her later years. The same with my MIL - she was very very difficult much of the time but she would have given either of us her last 50p and adored my husband and daughter, and I tried to do my best to help her in whatever way I could.

SHE should be the one texting YOU!

Yep!

God no! Believe me I know only to well what is like to be given the responsibility of your mom well being as I was from a child and was told it was my job to look after my mom in her old age.

Granted mine is an extreme story, of class, affluency, expectations of a time when things were very different (It wasn't a happy childhood either. That's another story)

However what I am saying is you aren't responsible for how your mother feels. She is still the parent. You are the now adult children.

Your mom gently with love needs to be told firmly it doesn't work for you and why. Keep reiterating that boundary until she gets the message.

It doesn't work for you. Others make it work cos they want it to or feel forced. Your mom is doing comparison and every situation is different.

If you give in on this the next thing and the next thing will be added on.

I'm speaking as a mom to 4 adult youngsters and nana to 5. I do not expect them to check in with me daily. I have built a life too. Yes I do know what it's like being widowed as I have been 7 years now.

You are not responsible for your mom's happiness.

Oh and I used to ring mom everyday so I know here what I'm talking about as I was fed the role of parentification and codependency

Don't start something you can't continue to do or want to do daily. Tell her when you will be ringing and other than an emergency ring then.

Encourage her to get out and about finding new interests

I think this is unreasonable. Could she get a Lifeline pendant to make her feel more secure? Then you will be contacted in emergency

Any energy you’re giving your mum in the morning is taking away energy you could use for your children. Not ok at all and really self centred on her part imo. I’m close with my mum (who lives alone) and we naturally text a lot but it’s organic and not a prescriptive ‘check in’. She’s often texting me about my kids etc actually!

My mum (who's nearly 91) and I speak twice, possibly three times a week. Maybe, if my step-father goes before her, we might speak more often - it'll be down to her and how often she would like. At 91, I'll make the most of her.

Sorry but your priorities are your children, and their routine. What happens if you do the morning text and she doesn't respond? How long do you wait? What if she's OK but doesn't respond to you immediately? I dont think you are being unreasonable at all. She is!

I rang my mum every day for a few weeks after my dad died, also wrote to her and sent photos. Dropped it back to twice a week, never less. Just drop her a wee text. One day you’ll wish you could. It takes a mo.

Then DM is defo being the unreasonable one.

If it really was about concerns for her, an agreement for you to be concerned if you had NOT heard from her would be ok. She’s obviously lonely, however, also being a bit needy, and selfish not understanding the stress you’re under on a daily basis.

She probably needs to make more of her life now she’s alone.

Sack her off for tomorrow, unless you think you will be able to negotiate an agreement and have a heart to heart talk with her about her loneliness etc..

My cold fingers accidently pressed YABU when I was scrolling. Apologies!

In this instance, a medic alert bracelet or necklace would be the most useful piece of kit, so the person who has fallen can just press a button and get help.

That's up to you. Op says she is dealing with her kids and work (thats the issue you didnt see) and there doesn't seem to be any reason why this daily text is needed.

Agree

I guess it depends on the type of relationship it is, but I’m blessed to have had caring parents so I now feel it’s my time to step up and care. I like the peace of mind all is well so I can then get on with my day so I check in every morning

Oo I am getting old. I think your mum needs something from you now. Does she help out with your children, been around for chats when you are/were finding life hard??? If so. ......

Because OP’s mother is insisting the OP does the check in, and each morning. It’s just not realistic for the OP, however, OP’s mother is now telling the OP how unreasonable the OP is being rather than coming up with a workable compromise. The OP’s mother is fishing for attention, putting demands on the OP, rather than addressing her own loneliness.

Agree. Unacceptable request and reaction to your very good suggestion of her texting u.
Not your responsibility to check in on her every day and laying all that guilt on you (on top of all the things you have to do). No no no.
Get her to find a different solution to her anxiety.
Stand your ground OP. She is being unreasonable.

There are a myriad of reasons she's asked. At one end of the spectrum she might suddenly, and inexplicably (to her), be feeling very vulnerable. But she has to understand that communicating what she's feeling, and why she needs you to check in is important.
But to also consider your life and needs.

My mother lives halfway across the world. She's in a household with my father and brother, but feels very alone and with no one to talk to (that she trusts). Cue daily calls. A big change from 10 years ago...when she was far too busy to take my weekly calls. 🤷‍♀️

I can see it’s a nice thing to do, but it sounds like she maybe isn’t that old and you’ve said she doesn’t have health concerns? A text is a small thing, if that’s all you have to do, but if you’re already under a snowstorm of things to do, sometimes one small thing is what breaks you - it’s the jenga effect isn’t it? It sounds like you might be a bit burnt out as it is. Maybe explaining that to your mum and asking if she could text you would work better for you both? That way you’d surely text back when you get a second and you’d speak every day. If she isn’t open to that, don’t take it to heart. She doesn’t understand your own pressure and how it feels. We can’t make people see us clearly if it doesn’t suit them. Make your peace with it and make sure to remind yourself you’re doing your best. Don’t internalise outside voices.

My uncle who lived on his own texted me everyday a 9am just saying ok. I texted a thumbs up back to him. He didn’t do it on mine day at start of November and when I called, I found him dead in his chair.

He often told me he felt so reassured knowing someone was looking out for him.

This is such a small thing I surprised you wouldn’t do it.