To not text my Mum every morning!

[MenopausalMrs]

My Mum has been over today for Christmas dinner.

During dinner she said that she feels that I should text her every morning to check in that she is okay. For context, she has no health issues at all, but she is on her own and has been since my dad died in 2020.

I responded that I am a single parent who works full time and needs to get kids to school, packed lunches /myself ready etc and could she just text me instead.

She was annoyed about this and said it literally takes seconds to send a text, even sending one to me to demonstrate! She also mentioned that her friend’s children check in on them twice a day…

At this point I did lose my shit a bit because she wasn’t understanding that what for her is a second is another thing for me to remember to do in the morning, when she has nothing to do at all.

I’m so upset that apparently I am unreasonable when I don’t think I am… she’s supposed to be coming tomorrow but I just want to tell her not to.

Just feel like a shit person right now…

Ask her why she needs you to send her a text every day? If its because because she fears lying dead for days, then your suggestion of her texting you would get around this as you could call, or call around if you haven't heard from her. If it is because she is lonely, she needs to make more friends and it shouldn't matter if she contacts you or you call her.

If it is that easy then why can't her mother text her to tell her she is ok?

Honestly you should check in with her. It’s 30 seconds - you can just send a cheery “Morning mum!” And wait for a reply.

My mum didn’t really want me to check in and I felt worried about that, so we settled on sending each other a snapshot of our Wordl score for that morning!

My mum died of a brain aneurysm and it is only because I checked in on her that I discovered she had a dreadful headache. I raced round to her home and she collapsed when I arrived - if I hadn’t called, hadn’t raced round, I would never have got to say goodbye to her. I’m so glad I had that opportunity.

I’m a single parent of young children, I work too and seriously don’t think a text is such a big deal. I mean it really does take a few seconds 🤣🤣🤣 I call or text my mom every single day.

I stayed at my parents house over Christmas and on my parents windowsill was a list entitled “what to do if DF or DM dies” it’s so the other one can follow the steps in a highly stressful and upsetting situation. I thought it was an amazing idea, but it brought home my parents mortality and the fact they aren’t going to be around much longer.

Please don’t take this the wrong way at all. I genuinely don’t see it as a burden to send a quick message, whether it’s in the morning or at some point during the day. Mothers give so much of themselves — carrying us, nurturing us, and caring for us when we’re most vulnerable. She was there for you when you needed her most. Now that she’s older, all she’s asking for is a small check-in, just to know she’s still cared for and remembered.

Wait till she's dead , you will then want to text her every morning

At 48 yo I have already lost both my parents and would give anything to be able to text them. I know relationships can be difficult but regret lasts a long time. Xx

I guess it also depends on your relationship with your Mum. My Mum and I used to chat on the phone every day for years, even when Dad was still around. It didn't matter that there were some days that we had nothing really to talk about. It was about the connection. She died nearly 9 years ago and I still miss those chats.

Seems towards the unreasonable side.. what was your relationship like before? Did you previously speak daily? Could there be a compromise in speaking 1-2 a week. Could you set up communication in that if something happens to either party then X would contact X?

I don't personally text my mum every day, but my siblings and I do the daily wordle and share our scores on the family group chat. If someone didn't post it would be easier to see if someone was missing that day and then maybe a text would come from that.

Hope you reach a resolution 🙏

Exactly.

I totally get why your mum has this anxiety, but she is being unreasonable in refusing to text you first given everything else you have to do in the morning.

Seeing as she is being unreasonable already, it makes me wonder if she would deliberately not text you in order to test your response.

It’s not the time it’s the mental load. It’s another thing to add to the mornings when things are already stressed. She’s already bringing up a family on her own and now mother wants to add to the load.

As she got older, my mum drove me absolutely nuts with her obsessive calling and texting several times daily, but to be fair to her it would never have occurred to her to make daily contact some sort of memory test for me. She always thought it was a parent's responsibility to think of her child and not the other way round. Maybe put it that way to your mum. You don't have another adult in your home either and you've got a lot more to do in the mornings than she has, so if she wants a daily check-in she'll need to do it.

I'm actually very grateful to you for giving me an opportunity to remember something not selfish about her 😆

Being a single mum with young dc and getting ready for the schoolrun is stressful. Your kids are your priority - not your Mum.

It sounds as if your Mum wants to feel a priority, and probably felt that she wasn't when her friends told her that their children did and may have been gently teased did her DD not care. Comparison is the thief of joy.

Your Mum is unreasonable. Especially not wanting to text first when she has more time. It's a power trip. A pecking order. Manipulative.

Part of becoming a grandparent is realising that you are not the centre of your child's universe anymore - it is that accepting that your grandchildren are now the most important people in your child's world. As it should be.

If you want to keep the peace however - sending an automatic scheduled text is one way to get round it. It will say the same thing at the same time. The shorter the better. eg 'Hi Mum. Hope all is well? Love you x'. Chances are she won't realise it is automated.

I’m in a position that if my partner died before me I’ve got absolutely no one. I’ve often thought I could easily lie dead in my house for weeks if not months as nobody would know (or care) if I died or not. So yes I think you’re being unreasonable. It literally takes a few seconds.

You do it if it's a priority. DM and DF are a priority to me personally, I'm also a single parent.

She is your mother. She should reach out to you...

Why do you bother with 3-4 a year too?

When my children were doing A levels/ undergrads / master students/ getting first jobs they would ring me for good things and for support. If they'd done something great I'd say " text your grandad". Initially he would reply that he was very proud. When parkinsons robbed him of that ability he would press send and and a blank text would go to them. They knew it meant he'd got their news and he was hugely proud even if he could no longer text it . When he died one of the hardest things was never being able to say " text your grandad". He has missed so many things in the 9 years since he died. He would have loved it all. When they're gone they're gone

Tell her to message you each morning to let you know she's OK.

I cannot believe there are women in their 50s texting their mother to tell them they have arrived safely at work. I mean, WT actual F. This is enabling controlling and anxious behaviour from the mother, feeding into the idea that something might happen to a middle aged woman who is presumably going to work in an ordinary job, not in bomb disposal, on a North Sea oil rig or somewhere equally dangerous. Just no.

It's not about caring, or not caring, or having a great relationship, a rubbish relationship or something in between.

Something like the alert necklace she could press for assistance if she needed it at any time of the day or night would be far more sensible than a random daily check in at 8.30am which is bugger all use if she's been lying on the floor with a broken hip since midnight. Or one of the kettle companion things which is a genius idea.

I moan a lot about my mother being a total technophobe who could no sooner send a text than fly in the air. But at least it does stop her making these sorts of ridiculous demands or trying to guilt trip me into a schedule of contact.

I dont text my mum everyday and we are close, i see her as often as i can and take the grand kids to see her whenever possible.

Every other day or so I may see something and remember she would like it, and go "oh ill tell mum about that"

Or ill be sat thinking to myself "oh I forgot mum mentioned this before" so ill text her about whatever it was, heck sometimes when I visit her I forget to let her know I got back home safely, little things like that.. but she understands life is busy even though she is retired, we still have young kids who are a heck of a lot of hard work and very time consuming... she gets that.

Maybe your mum is lonely or like mine can just be a nag...for no viable reason.

When you've got the kids sorted & done all the other stuff you have to do, send her a daily text saying 'Alive or Dead?' She might go off the idea quite quickly. She needs to get over her nonsense.

If it's a very real concern, why don't you text your DDs every day? Why does it have to be the other way round?
I don't mean this unkind, I genuinely don't understand this.