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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not text my Mum every morning!

423 replies

MenopausalMrs · 26/12/2025 00:02

My Mum has been over today for Christmas dinner.

During dinner she said that she feels that I should text her every morning to check in that she is okay. For context, she has no health issues at all, but she is on her own and has been since my dad died in 2020.

I responded that I am a single parent who works full time and needs to get kids to school, packed lunches /myself ready etc and could she just text me instead.

She was annoyed about this and said it literally takes seconds to send a text, even sending one to me to demonstrate! She also mentioned that her friend’s children check in on them twice a day…

At this point I did lose my shit a bit because she wasn’t understanding that what for her is a second is another thing for me to remember to do in the morning, when she has nothing to do at all.

I’m so upset that apparently I am unreasonable when I don’t think I am… she’s supposed to be coming tomorrow but I just want to tell her not to.

Just feel like a shit person right now…

OP posts:
NotMySanta · 27/12/2025 19:14

MrsJeanLuc · 27/12/2025 19:02

Wow!
Do you have children to get to school? Do you work full-time? Or do you have plenty of time on your hands?

Show quote history

I managed to contact my mum every morning with two kids and a full time job. It’s not hard!

rookiemere · 27/12/2025 19:14

She wants you to text every day because that is what her friend’s DDs do. Be careful with meeting that expectation as you may find these DDs also do their DMs shopping/take them on holiday/let them move in and that’s what she wants you to do as well.

Get her a fall pendant if she’s genuinely concerned about being on her own, or she can message you and you will thumbs up when you get a chance.

Sorry I may sound harsh and horrible here, just at the end of my tether looking after two elderly DPs with the gradual scope creep and boundary eroding that this has incurred. I don’t think my experience is unusual and my gut feel now is if you’re given a non necessary task you are allowed to say no to it.

Loopylalalou · 27/12/2025 19:15

I wonder if the request is nothing to do with her friends, but is hiding her feeling vulnerable but not wanting to say so outright.

Tink3rbell30 · 27/12/2025 19:17

MrsJeanLuc · 27/12/2025 19:02

Wow!
Do you have children to get to school? Do you work full-time? Or do you have plenty of time on your hands?

Show quote history

No my DC is an adult. I work though yes. Doesn't take much time. When I did have school runs I used to do it on the hands free in the car or after school run. There's always a way.

JJWT · 27/12/2025 19:17

Maybe suggest she moves into elderly accommodation? You know, sell the house and get one of those flats where you have your own place but there's a warden and some communal areas. Also, her texting you every morning is a much more reliable way of knowing shes still ok if that's what she's after. If u text her, and she doesn't reply she could just be asleep or whatever. And how are u to know if u need to react or not? As you've said, you still have stuff to do at that time of day. But if you know to receive a text daily after work and haven't had one by tea time then u can assume there's a problem.

BotterMon · 27/12/2025 19:19

YABU. Just programme a daily text which you can do on both Android and iPhones.

nestomalt · 27/12/2025 19:21

A lot of deeply unpleasant people on this thread. Your mother may be feeling vulnerable or lonely. She's asking her DAUGHTER to be in touch. You could have told her sorry mum mornings are busy for me but I'll check in at some point during the day once a day. I'm sure she'd be OK with that. You're acting like some rando across town is asking you to this. It's a very basic thing that you can do for your widowed parent.

Stayingafloatish · 27/12/2025 19:22

Anyone saying that a text only takes seconds is clearly not a single parent trying to get themselves and multiple children ready for work and school.
I am with you all the way OP. It’s an unreasonable request from your mum.

Olive123456 · 27/12/2025 19:23

Exactly this.

Newusernameforthiss · 27/12/2025 19:25

Team YANBU. I would go mental if my mum asked me to text her every morning before school, it's so much work. Perhaps you could agree a compromise, like you will text her at 10 IF she hasn't texted first. But before school??? Hard no from me

ForZanyAquaViewer · 27/12/2025 19:26

MenopausalMrs · 26/12/2025 00:23

I did say why doesn’t she text me every
morning but that wasn’t acceptable I had to be the one to text her…

Show quote history

What’s her justification for this?

Olive123456 · 27/12/2025 19:28

I am glad my daughters are better than you.

lifeonmars100 · 27/12/2025 19:29

saraclara · 26/12/2025 00:27

I'm 70. I live alone. My own mother lived alone when she had the massive stroke that disabled her for life. She was only found (12 hours later) by complete chance. By then it was too late to prevent her stroke damaging her so badly. But if course she could have died and not be done for days or weeks.

I have become increasingly fearful of something like this happening to me. I would love to ask my DDs to check in on me each day, but I don't feel that I can.

I'm reasonably healthy at this point, so having one of those alarms seems overkill. But it's a very real anxiety, and your mum is obviously feeling that too.

I am a similar age and have similar worries, my adult child is happy to chat or WhatApp if I contact them but never intiates contact and in my gloomier moments I wonder how long it would be before I was found if i had a medical emergency or indeed if I died. My health is ok, but I am not as energetic or agile as I was, and have worries about falling down my (steep) stairs and being really injured. I try to remember to keep my phone with me rather than leaving it in different rooms.

tommyhoundmum · 27/12/2025 19:33

saraclara · 26/12/2025 00:27

I'm 70. I live alone. My own mother lived alone when she had the massive stroke that disabled her for life. She was only found (12 hours later) by complete chance. By then it was too late to prevent her stroke damaging her so badly. But if course she could have died and not be done for days or weeks.

I have become increasingly fearful of something like this happening to me. I would love to ask my DDs to check in on me each day, but I don't feel that I can.

I'm reasonably healthy at this point, so having one of those alarms seems overkill. But it's a very real anxiety, and your mum is obviously feeling that too.

The medic alert is the best thing you can do for yourself and your family

Olive123456 · 27/12/2025 19:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BlueJuniper94 · 27/12/2025 19:37

Haven't read the thread, but is it not her who needs to be texting you?

BlueJuniper94 · 27/12/2025 19:38

tommyhoundmum · 27/12/2025 19:33

The medic alert is the best thing you can do for yourself and your family

Show quote history

(What is the medic alert?)

QuickBrown · 27/12/2025 19:41

MannersAreAll · 26/12/2025 00:48

I think saying to her that she could text you was fair enough.

After FIL died MIL was concerned about something happening and nobody noticing for days. It was a particular worry for her as she lived rurally and worked for herself so there was no boss or colleagues to notice she was missing.

However, her request was to message the family group chat each morning with a "Morning. Have a good day" that didn't require a response from anyone, but gave her the reassurance that if she fell down the stairs or anything like that then by 10am next morning one of us would have thought "wait a sec, why hasn't she messaged..."

We have an arrangement like this, but no clear plan for what happens if the elderly widowed person doesn't message or respond to a call. Presumably if the nearest kid or their spouse was home they'd pop over when they could, but that might be lunchtime if they had a busy day.

tommyhoundmum · 27/12/2025 19:44

BlueJuniper94 · 27/12/2025 19:38

(What is the medic alert?)

Show quote history

It's a button on a chain that you wear round your neck all the time. It connects you to friendly, immediate help when pressed.

Alexaremovethenotifications · 27/12/2025 19:45

If it’s important to her I agree she could easily text you. Has she concerns for you?

Doubledenim305 · 27/12/2025 19:46

BotterMon · 27/12/2025 19:19

YABU. Just programme a daily text which you can do on both Android and iPhones.

Great idea. I didn't know u cud do that.

WYTrio · 27/12/2025 19:47

I did immediately think "it doesn't take long", but also am thinking "why can't the mother do the texting". It may be sensible to have a daily check-in but there is no good reason the mum can't be the instigator.

As to "you obviously aren't close" well not everyone is. People and families are different, and people need to appreciate that. To some remembering all the stuff to do in a morning is tough and taking 20 seconds in a packed schedule would throw everything off course. People are different.

Thistlesg · 27/12/2025 19:54

I’m sure there’ll be an app or a programmable shortcut you can put on your phone to send the same , good morning how are you? Text each morning at a specific time automatically for you. Your mum gets a text, you don’t have to do it. Win win

IwantKandixxx · 27/12/2025 19:55

I have a WhatsApp group with me, my mum and my grown up daughters. Every morning we say "Good morning, all ok here". It doesn't matter who txts first. We just check all is ok. My eldest daughter (single mum) usually doesn't reply until she has done school run. Maybe you and your mum can agree it doesn't matter who txts first? Can you send a quick txt after the morning school run before the rest of your day starts? It's reassuring?

SpiritedFlame · 27/12/2025 19:56

I think what is unreasonable is that your Mum isn't prepared to text first and then you respond when you can.

I can appreciate her worry and there is a family check in for older members of my own family, even though they live together but I appreciate why they are concerned. However they happily text themselves to say all is good rather than demanding it must be the other way round.

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