How do you talk to parents about their wills etc

[098yyiop]

On the back of my other thread about MIL and BIL, I realised that I probably should talk to my parents about their wills and any other stuff. They are mid-70s but have also laughed at the thought of having a will or doing anything about anything. How do you talk to elderly parents about this stuff? And what do you advise? My parents just have their house, no savings - assume house goes to the other person - nothing else is known about them. They both have h3art conditions etc.

I wouldn't talk to my parents about it. Their wills and finances are their business.

I'm glad I've never had to discuss this with my parents. They just went to a solicitor and did it. I know where the wills are and what's in them.

I too recently made a will (tho I need to get it witnessed) and I told my DD what was in it, plus my wishes after death. I liked that I could choose my executor and specifically put in a clause definitively locking my exH out of any claims on my estate.

If you've never got divorced, nor owned a business jointly, or a complicated family set-up, then there's not much point in getting one. However, probate can take a helluva long time.

I have had two years of hell dealing with my mum's estate. Absolute hell. No way would I put my own kids through this. It has really messed with my mental health.

I already have a will, but I am making sure that everything is in place to make a horrible time and a horrible responsibility as simple as possible (and as simple as possible is still not easy) for my own children.

I am also nagging my daughters and their partners (in their 30s) to make their wills. One couple are not married, the other had young children. So despite being young, they need to have things in place.

I didn't see the importance of making a will at first, as I assumed if we both died, everything would automatically pass to our kids. Then I realised that if we died intestate, this process would cost thousands... And making a will costs a few hundred.

Your parents need to make wills and I'd strongly advise them to get advice on POA as well. My parents have had wills for a long time and arranged POA about two years ago. Now, one of them is showing signs of early dementia, so it was just as well they arranged it when they did. They have primary POA for each other and my DSis and I have secondary POA.

You need to sit down with them and talk seriously about wills and power of attorney. Tell them a white lie about a discussion at work, or find an example of someone who had a difficult time because. They didn't have either. It sounds a simple situation in your case so dying without a will may sort itself out, but the POAs are essential. Easy to do online, you need to do 4 altogether, 1 each for health decisions, and 1 each for wealth decisions. I think they now cost £92 each. You need to take care filling the firms in correctly, but in a simple situation it isn't difficult. If one of them, say, has a stroke, and can't authorise payments, it leaves the other in a very tricky position, and can cost a lot of money to sort out. Make it a priority fir January.

Sort of, but really.

You don't need to know the details but you should know whether they have been done, and if not encourage them.

Otherwise if they become incapacitated or die, you will be the one sorting out the mess with one hand tied behind your back.

Paying bills, sorting care, etc is all difficult if one is in hospital and the other is struggling to cope.

Is the ages you put a typo because on your other thread their ages are different.

Dealing with intestacy (no will) is often far longer, more administratively complicated and doesn’t always work out as expected. If your parents want to manage life easier for you or for each other after they die then they should leave a will. Naming executors in a will, for example, means that no one has to go through the m process of applying to be the administrator of the will. Banks and other asset holders will respond more quickly if there is a will. And it all costs - the more admin / legal work needs done by solicitors etc, the more it costs to wrap up the estate. Do they want to pass on assets to you and any siblings? Or are they happy for it to be spent on solicitors etc?

POA too. What got FIL on board was asking him who he wanted to make decisions about where he lived or how his money was spent when he couldn’t - DH or some random social worker?

I just don’t get the reluctance to talk about this. Death is inevitable, on Christmas Day as much as any other. Having a will, having POA makes life easier for the people you love in so many ways. Why wouldn’t a parent want to do that?

I've redone will and POA this year and informed Dh and dd of everything.
They know I want a direct cremation and where my ashes are to end up.
Dh's affairs are also in order. We are late 60s.Dd at 30 has made a will as she has no partner and wants to ensure her estate goes to her friends.
I dont know why adults are so ridiculous about doing this sort of thing..." tempting fate" etc

I’d love to know how you came to that conclusion.

At a minimum I’d hope not to leave my kids with the administrative burden. Why wouldn’t you leave clear instructions, as opposed to your kids muddling through while they were grieving?

Not having a Will is a nightmare for those left, if its a simple split, then its very cheap to do.

Talking about it is good but (ime) some people will say they haven't a Will because they have not done an equal split and thats why they "joke" about it.

If I may say without offence, you say everyone should have a 'death box' , but do you? Dying unexpectedly is not as likely for a young fit person, but is not unheard of...

We have used this as a way of recording all the basic details, it then moves onto the trickier funeral and Will discussions https://www.ageuk.org.uk/information-advice/money-legal/end-of-life-planning/lifebook/

I don't think it's grabby because the reality is we are the generation that has to deal with it. I've dealt with my mum's death and she had a will, I certainly wouldn't want to do it without a will.

If one of them dies next week and the other remarries next year....stranger things have happened...what then?

Would one be easier to speak to on their own?

With my in-laws, my mil was always easier to speak to about absolutely anything

I feel like the scenario of "heaven forbid you are both hit by a bus" is easier to bring up than things relating to old age.
We are about to update our wills to increase the age at which the DCs are able to access any inheritance - partly because DS has SEN and is unlikely to be independent as early as most DCs.

My dad completely defers to my mum and my mum does think it's tempting fate. They assume after they are gone, the house will go to us. I did point out that it's most likely to go on care fees unless they make provisions. They also don't want to talk about papers or documents though my dad wouldn't manage any of it.

Sorry OP, but you are right to worry about this. DS has a will and he's 27, he had it done when he inherited some money from GPs. We also all have wills and PoAs for health and finance. If you have any assets at all you should have a will.

I don't know why people are so pigheaded about wills and PoAs, although obviously people don't want to think about horrible things that might happen in future. Trying to sort matters out after the worst has happed is way more traumatic than just getting your will written.

I don't know how you raise it with them though. Lots of charities offer a free will writing service, which may sweeten the pill. If you can at least get them to have a meeting with a professional they might begin to better understand the benefits.

I don’t want to know about what’s in the will or their finances. I’d just like to know where the paperwork is and set up POAs just in case. I’ve seen first hand what a disaster it is if things arent in place.

I feel your pain op.

my DM isn’t on utility bills, council tax etc because she doesn’t pay them. DF does.

My DF won’t talk to anyone on the phone although he’s physically capable of doing so. As a result said companies won’t speak to my DM or anyone else about the account or an issue. So it’s already started - blooming nightmare, despite being very intelligent people they are being very naive and won’t budge or make changes.

My DM died 3 years ago (today actually) without a will.
She was a widow and the only claim on her Estate was my brother and myself.
All no problem you think.
It took 9 months for her affairs to go to probate, in that time we couldn’t sell her flat because we didn’t legally own it.
The tenant in her flat had started being very unreliable about paying her rent. It took 17 months to evict her (we eventually had to get the bailiffs in) and during that time we couldn’t put the flat on the market due to her difficult behaviour.
Meanwhile mum had been in a care home with her flat being a charge against her care, when she died she owed 50k, now 3 years later interest has increased that amount to 70k.
We are struggling to sell the flat and between my brother and myself we have lost thousands.
So yes, we wish she had a will!
We

This is it exactly. There is a legal process to deal with the deceased’s estate in the absence of a will - but the process is longer, a lot more expensive, and often leads to unexpected (and undesired) outcomes that you don’t have any control over! Make a will, even if you think your situation is the most straightforward ever, there may be fishhooks that you haven’t thought about.

I didn't speak to my parents about wills. When my Mum was seriously ill she told me where their wills were kept. When Mum.passed we used hers and my father's has remained in its sealed envelope, although I assume it will be a mirror.

My father has dementia now and is in a care home. My brother and I are POAs and so Dad's will is now fixed as it was so it's kept safe, still fully sealed.

I don't see it as a matter for me nor was it ever. Until he passes.

Hi @098yyiop Age UK produce a free booklet that you can request. It goes through a lot of useful details like name of important people, bank accounts, their wishes for funeral, sentimental items...etc

Maybe if you had a copy you could say that it had really helped your friend plan their parent's funeral? I managed to talk to my dad about it by saying that it would be really helpful to me if he thought about it.

Exactly

if you don’t make a will you are In affect leaving your children/executors to spend money up front - which they may not have

sorry but it’s selfish to die intestate when you could have saved your children additional stress - same goes for what kind of care you want in the future or funeral

My situation, which has almost destroyed me over the last two years, is uncannily similar. My mum was in care for nearly 15 years. She died with £350,000 of care debt (yes, really), which had accumulated because she continued to own a rental propertyv when her liquid funds ran out

Similar problems with the tenants not paying, similarly unable to sell (partly for legal reasons around the debt), similar costs to me, and with a few added ingredients which I won't go into but which addedd to the stress.

And at the end of this, I get not a penny, just thousands of pounds loss to me in getting tenants out and clearing and repairing the damage they left behind.

If I'm honest, I'm really angry with my late mum for leaving this mess. She was sharp as a tack to the end (her care needs were for physical reasons, not dementia).