Aibu? Seriously was I? I can’t fucking win

[BlackberryCognac]

Context: DH’s brother’s wife hates me. We are infertile and it’s been very painful. We were on a zoom with his family telling them our only option for a baby would be ivf with donor eggs (cheers cancer) and we were in the middle of saying this when she said ‘well one of us can have kids. Baby x arriving next x month’. Kinda sums her up tbh. I once opened up to her about being diagnosed with cptsd and how I had made a suicide attempt and her only response was to say that her brother made a better attempt than I did. (wtf)

Anyway! I have tried so so hard to be nice and friendly. I met her a couple of times on mat leave (hers obvs) and I have sent her a couple of things etc. we were getting on ok and then out of the blue she now just leaves me on 2 blue ticks on WhatsApp so I just stopped asking things about our nephews or her or anything frankly.

usually I would ask her if what I was thinking of buying the boys is ok, not for idea or anything but just to make sure they don’t have duplicate etc, but I thought wtf is the point of asking her for her to completely ignore me anyway ? The last Christmas I asked for advice on what to buy him and I got a load of abuse about using my ‘own fucking initiative’ So I bought him the Lego Death Star

As we got it out of the car she completely lost her shit. ‘How the fuck are we going to store that?? It’s absolutely massive! He’ll love it too so I can’t bin it you’re a massive Bitch for this Blackberry. So when we ask for ideas it’s wrong and when we get him something he will absolutely love that’s also wrong?

Im not a parent, so was I Unreasonable? Or does she need to get the stick out of her arse? I know she will bring up this tomorrow and I’m so so tempted to say well if you’d responded to the last 15 messages over the last year maybe I’d have asked you what to get !!

Next year he’s getting a trumpet

Why are you even bothering? She's clearly an absolute cunt.

You spent the best part of a grand on a kid's Christmas present?

Would have been cheaper to buy him a trumpet.

You can’t fix stupid unfortunately . She is who she is, if she calls you names or is rude to you tell her it’s unacceptable. If she carries on go low contact. And leave present sorting to your dh.

What does your dh think ?

You got a Lego Death Star for one of your nephews? That’s £900 or so as the PP has said, which is madness for a Christmas present. What did you get the other nephew(s)??

First post nails it.

Please buy him that trumpet! However, a violin might be more annoying, as you have to learn to make a sound on a trumpet so it's not necessarily loud.

Yeah we did, because he likes Lego and DH is his Godfather. It was DH’s choice to get it. Other nephew is 2 so got a toot toot garage thing. Don’t have any other nieces or nephews yet.

She sounds unhinged in general, but if my in laws or sibling rocked up on Xmas eve with a £900 gift for my child, I'd be fuming

Christ she sounds horrible. “Well one of us can have a baby” would be the end of it for me.

Money isn’t really the point. As a family we always get big gifts so it wouldn’t have been the money that was the issue but you are correct. She is a giant cunt and I think we were thinking that buying nephews gifts was sort of in spite of how shit she is but I think actually nothing would ever be enough or right

£900 is a stupid amount of money to spend on anyone, let alone a kid who isn't even yours and whose mother hates you.

The first time she called me a bitch would be the last time I saw her, spoke to her, or spent a penny of my money on her kid.

How old is the recipient of the Death Star? The £400ish one is aimed at 14+ and the £900 one 18+ so yeah a mad present to get for anyone younger. Anyone at all except a partner or older teen child of one’s own really.
But….i don’t think it’s that your sil doesn’t like you it’s 5hat she’s a nasty cow. She is presumably like that with everyone pretty much.
Downsize to a £20-50 gift or not at all. (Big gift family is just silly and equals spoilt kids. Maybe it’s partly the way she is - grown into a spoilt adult?)
And actually given the way she’s behaved you deserve a massive apology or never bother with her at all in future.

Easy. You but out and let you dh deal with it. That means you don't interact at all and leave present buying, responding to whatsapp etc to your dh. Job done. Complete radio silence from you. Do not engage.

I don't know why everyone is focusing on the value of the present. That's largely irrelevant IMO. What is more relevant is that she is a vile bitch. What does your DH think of it all?

She's a horrible bitch.

I'm so sorry for all that you've been through.

£900 on a nephew though! I wish you were my auntie

Why are you spending Christmas with someone you hate who is horrible to you? I don’t know anything death stars but I can’t understand why you’re having anything to do with her. DH can sort gifts for his nephews and take the blame if they’re wrong, and there’s no way he should tolerate anyone speaking to you the way he appears to. What’s going on!

Well, it’s not your nephews fault that his mother is a foul woman. She probably hated it that you up staged her massively by buying the Lego, and it is monstrously huge (although I’d love it!!). But you need to just completely ignore her, as the other things she’s said to you are 100% cut her out your life type responses. Or better yet, let DH sort out gifts for his side of the family and you just stay well clear.

Lol why

Trumpet? No. Drum-kit? Yes.

She's a cunt 👍

Wow! Thats an awful lot of money! If you spend that much it’s best to get things right, or open a savings account for them.

Id say this to her - you are no longer buying gifts bar a token amount around £20 they rest is being put in a bank account.

Do you want to adopt a niece? I'd love the Death Star.

your SIL sounds like mine & no you cannot win. I've given up.

no solutions, just solidarity.

Im utterly shocked that she would be so insensitive and abusive towards you
Do people actually speak to each other like this?
I would have gone NC after the " use your fucking initiative" reply not shelled out nearly 1K on a gift

I'm going a bit against the grain here, but what jumped out for me is that you were in a family chat talking about not being able to have children and your only option was ivf. Does everyone usually talk about indepth matters like this on the family chats.

Also, you opened up to her about having cpstd and your suicide attempt but if you aren't close I wonder why. Also, it may have been a sensitive topic for her since her brother took his own life. I think her response to you was sarcastic because you were talking about suicide. Did you know at the time that her brother had committed suicide? If you did I wonder why you'd bring up the subject. If you didn't, it obviously upset her but you weren't know.

Yes she's rude but it sounds like she thinks you maybe overshare or talk quite a lot about yourself, and so tries to shut you down.

I'm not saying you do, but she could have that perception.

She’s at best incredibly rude. If I thought that about a gift for my child I’d be saying it through gritted teeth to DH as you drive away, not to your face.