Aibu? Seriously was I? I can’t fucking win

[BlackberryCognac]

Context: DH’s brother’s wife hates me. We are infertile and it’s been very painful. We were on a zoom with his family telling them our only option for a baby would be ivf with donor eggs (cheers cancer) and we were in the middle of saying this when she said ‘well one of us can have kids. Baby x arriving next x month’. Kinda sums her up tbh. I once opened up to her about being diagnosed with cptsd and how I had made a suicide attempt and her only response was to say that her brother made a better attempt than I did. (wtf)

Anyway! I have tried so so hard to be nice and friendly. I met her a couple of times on mat leave (hers obvs) and I have sent her a couple of things etc. we were getting on ok and then out of the blue she now just leaves me on 2 blue ticks on WhatsApp so I just stopped asking things about our nephews or her or anything frankly.

usually I would ask her if what I was thinking of buying the boys is ok, not for idea or anything but just to make sure they don’t have duplicate etc, but I thought wtf is the point of asking her for her to completely ignore me anyway ? The last Christmas I asked for advice on what to buy him and I got a load of abuse about using my ‘own fucking initiative’ So I bought him the Lego Death Star

As we got it out of the car she completely lost her shit. ‘How the fuck are we going to store that?? It’s absolutely massive! He’ll love it too so I can’t bin it you’re a massive Bitch for this Blackberry. So when we ask for ideas it’s wrong and when we get him something he will absolutely love that’s also wrong?

Im not a parent, so was I Unreasonable? Or does she need to get the stick out of her arse? I know she will bring up this tomorrow and I’m so so tempted to say well if you’d responded to the last 15 messages over the last year maybe I’d have asked you what to get !!

Next year he’s getting a trumpet

She’s awful. It’s really bad that she’s not even grateful for an expensive and thoughtful gift.

With the present buying etiquette though, do you think part of her reaction could be because it’s a bit too extravagant and perhaps her gifts for him wouldn’t compare favourably?

Saying that, my sil is not a bitch but she’s tight. I think we made the mistake pre kids of gifting expensive stuff for her kids and it’s come to be expected that we will get the most expensive things on their present list! It’s awkward as we now want to cut back. My sil has no shame though and happy for relatives to buy her kids the expensive stuff so she doesn’t have to.

Oh right. I didn't pick that up.

That makes it even worse then. So she's experienced a tragedy, but still can't relate to other people's experiences.

Truly sinister.

Seriously?!

Her brother killed himself and she has to listen to the OP talking about herself, her cptsd and her suicide attempt.

And it's the SiL that lacks empathy?

Where was the OP's? Did she not think, oh SiL's brother killed himself, maybe I shouldn't talk to her about this?

The OP's done a good job of painting herself as the poor victim in all of this. Despite inappropriate conversation with her SiL, and the inappropriate grand gesture gift.

'Sil, did you mean to be so rude?' every time

I'd get him a drum kit and a kazoo for his next birthday. Fucking bitch.

I got a load of abuse about using my ‘own fucking initiative’ So I bought him the Lego Death Star

The "so" in this sentence tells us you did it out of spite. But I don't believe you.

Just because you're married to brothers why should you get along?

You're obviously very different people.

Stop overstaying and just send normal presents.

Oversharing.

The last Christmas I asked for advice on what to buy him and I got a load of abuse about using my ‘own fucking initiative’ So I bought him the Lego Death Star

This is one of the strangest things I’ve read on here.

Stop trying to get her to like you, she probably does really, but sounds like a grade A bitch! No pint making the effort, do the bare minimum and don't gaf. Xxx

All nieces and nephews should be treated the same. Being godfather makes no difference. As for brother in laws wife, she needs erasing from your life completely. Does husband and brother in law not defend you??? If not, then they are arseholes too

Op why are you even bothering with her she’s vile tell your dh to go alone from now on. Honestly life is too short to deal with bitter cunts.

If I'd got that reaction from her after spending that much on a gift I would have snatched it back, and returned it for a refund and got her kid nothing a d never spoken to her again.

Next year go to the Maldives for Christmas and make sure the nephews drum kit arrives on Xmas eve. Life is too short to spend with awful people.

I don’t get the fact you spent so much is outweighing the way you’re being treated. Who cares, if you can afford it it’s your choice how you spend your money.

I don’t have any advice really, is she insecure, is she in competition with you, have the in-laws expressed ‘to much sympathy’ for your sad circumstances, I don’t know & I don’t think you do either. What is certain though is she’s a cunt. Even if she’s only like that towards you, doesn’t make her any less of one. I have a friend who can’t have kids & she goes out of her way to push them away. She hasn’t embraced being an aunt & will literally post a card through the front door than spend a birthday with her nieces. Your SIL should be grateful to have such thoughtful aunt & uncle for her children.

Oh bloody hell, don’t you hate people like this? You can’t win either way so from now on just put money or gift voucher in a card for all gift giving

If she is so unpleasant, your nephews might appreciate you all the more. I remember relatives who were kind to me.

She doesn’t sound like a nice person, but… you’ve probably embarrassed her by buying your nephew a £900 present, which is probably more than they spent on their son! I’d be fucking raging if my sis spent this on my kids! A- because we and family and friends spend enough on them and B- I don’t want them to be spoilt little gits! If they want something that expensive, they save up and buy it and I’m not some martyr, I’ve spent £300 plus each on my 3 kids this yr, but that’s my take on it

If I were you, I’d let DH handle the gifts for his family from now on. When she then calls you a massive bitch, you can happily direct her to your husband who is the one who actually chose it. And don’t engage with her at all anymore unless you’re briefly responding to a direct question from her.

did your DH or his brother hear her say this to you? If so, what was his/their response? If my SIL/BIL said that to my DH, I would be having some hard words with my sibling, especially if I was the one who chose the gift.

i agree with the other poster who wrote that, next year, have the full drum kit sent to arrive on Christmas Eve while you’re happily in the Maldives.

This woman sounds like a total b*tch. Totally callous and I feel for you. I too have medical issues that have left DH and I unable to have children, it’s something the family all know would affect us greatly, and DH confided in his Mum about it under the strict guidelines that it went no further (other than his Mum’s husband, they’re a couple after all and we aren’t naive). Then it’s obvious she’s told EVERYONE in the family, not impressed. But also my DH has a couple of nephews and we tend to spoil them a bit on birthdays and Christmas, they’re too young to understand but all the “grown ups” are… we never get a thank you or acknowledgment of the gifts, and my infertility is widely discussed at family gatherings. It makes me feel so less than and so angry.
I often am in tears on the ride home and it makes me think what’s the point? I too have asked their mother, grandmother & father (my SIL, MIL, & BIL respectively) what they’d like and get no response, so they end up with a card, something small to open, and a voucher. DH loves his nephews and is close with them, and I’d never punish the kids for stuff that is way too much for them to understand, much less their fault.
I really feel for you OP and I hope you can get through this difficult time. Thinking of you and sending blessings x 🙏

Buy him a huge drum kit in the sales, send it over then CUT ALL CONTACT!
Do NOT let this awful woman spoil your life - take control!!

OP not been back?

Nah, I see it like my now ex SIL (she cheated on BIL and now divorced). She doesn't like any attention she doesn't get so has to swing it back to her, that's what mine did. Used to spread a ton of unfounded gossip too just to get attention. When they split she sent a massive letter to MIL full of absolute lies and slander to try and get MIL to disown me as well as her. I'd always tried to be nice to her before she started with all the spreading lies and then if people asked, I told em the truth...

Course not! Happens all the time, OP gets questioned/challenged, they don't come back

1 million percent this! ⬆️

Hideous, cruel, ungrateful woman. Call her on it. Point it out to others. Then cut her out of your life. Fuck that shit. You don't need it.