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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu? Seriously was I? I can’t fucking win

152 replies

BlackberryCognac · 24/12/2025 23:43

Context: DH’s brother’s wife hates me. We are infertile and it’s been very painful. We were on a zoom with his family telling them our only option for a baby would be ivf with donor eggs (cheers cancer) and we were in the middle of saying this when she said ‘well one of us can have kids. Baby x arriving next x month’. Kinda sums her up tbh. I once opened up to her about being diagnosed with cptsd and how I had made a suicide attempt and her only response was to say that her brother made a better attempt than I did. (wtf)

Anyway! I have tried so so hard to be nice and friendly. I met her a couple of times on mat leave (hers obvs) and I have sent her a couple of things etc. we were getting on ok and then out of the blue she now just leaves me on 2 blue ticks on WhatsApp so I just stopped asking things about our nephews or her or anything frankly.

usually I would ask her if what I was thinking of buying the boys is ok, not for idea or anything but just to make sure they don’t have duplicate etc, but I thought wtf is the point of asking her for her to completely ignore me anyway ? The last Christmas I asked for advice on what to buy him and I got a load of abuse about using my ‘own fucking initiative’ So I bought him the Lego Death Star

As we got it out of the car she completely lost her shit. ‘How the fuck are we going to store that?? It’s absolutely massive! He’ll love it too so I can’t bin it you’re a massive Bitch for this Blackberry. So when we ask for ideas it’s wrong and when we get him something he will absolutely love that’s also wrong?

Im not a parent, so was I Unreasonable? Or does she need to get the stick out of her arse? I know she will bring up this tomorrow and I’m so so tempted to say well if you’d responded to the last 15 messages over the last year maybe I’d have asked you what to get !!

Next year he’s getting a trumpet

OP posts:
FenceBooksCycle · 25/12/2025 06:58

This is your DH's brother's wife. Managing the relationship is DH's problem. Gifts are DH's problem. She sounds an utter nightmare in many ways but the specific thing where she blames you for the inconvenience of a gift that was DH's choice is just misogyny. You're right you can't "win" so the important bit is ensuring that you aren't trying to. This isn't a competition and there isn't a prize. Your role is supporting DH as needed and his role is to support you as needed. The primary objective is for DH to maintain loving links with his brother and parents. you don't need the love or friendship or approval or sympathy of this woman so stop trying to engage with her. Be civil but utterly boring. Don't ask her anything or tell her anything emotional. The weather makes an excellent conversation topic.

Sparklesandspandexgallore · 25/12/2025 07:07

FenceBooksCycle · Today 06:58
This is your DH's brother's wife. Managing the relationship is DH's problem. Gifts are DH's problem. She sounds an utter nightmare in many ways but the specific thing where she blames you for the inconvenience of a gift that was DH's choice is just misogyny. You're right you can't "win" so the important bit is ensuring that you aren't trying to. This isn't a competition and there isn't a prize. Your role is supporting DH as needed and his role is to support you as needed. The primary objective is for DH to maintain loving links with his brother and parents. you don't need the love or friendship or approval or sympathy of this woman so stop trying to engage with her. Be civil but utterly boring. Don't ask her anything or tell her anything emotional. The weather makes an excellent conversation topic.

This 100%.

1Messycoo · 25/12/2025 07:07

You can’t polish a turd ! I would completely detached from her, she sounds really insecure and takes it out on others . ie you

SparklyGlitterballs · 25/12/2025 07:11

Yep, she's vile. Don't have anything more to do with her. It's your DH's brother's wife, so going forward save yourself the stress and have your DH message his brother. It shouldn't be "women's work" to organise gifts.

Dozer · 25/12/2025 07:18

Avoid SIL, who sounds awful. visiting at Christmas seems a bad plan.

Agree with PPs to leave his family and in laws entirely to him.

That gift was U for the large size, unless for a teen who enjoys lego and Star Wars, with a big house.

TheCheeryPoet · 25/12/2025 07:22

XWKD · 24/12/2025 23:52

First post nails it.

Please buy him that trumpet! However, a violin might be more annoying, as you have to learn to make a sound on a trumpet so it's not necessarily loud.

Show quote history

Get him a recorder aswell for maximum grief!

IreneFromSkibbereen · 25/12/2025 07:23

You told this woman, your SIL, about your fertility problems and she then stuck a knife in you and twisted it by saying ‘well at least one of us can have kids, new baby on the way blah blah’.

Why on earth did you have anything to do with this horrible person ever again? This goes way beyond insensitive - she is a total cow, end of story.

Rosesanddaffs · 25/12/2025 07:27

@BlackberryCognac with people who are as rude as her you just stop making the effort and pull back.

If giving gifts is that important shove money in a card and hand it over, minimal fuss, minimal effort.

Globules · 25/12/2025 07:29

This sounds awful.

But you can't win. So don't keep trying to.

EleanorReally · 25/12/2025 07:30

can you get a refund on the gift?

Bagwyllydiart · 25/12/2025 07:31

firstofallimadelight · 24/12/2025 23:48

You can’t fix stupid unfortunately . She is who she is, if she calls you names or is rude to you tell her it’s unacceptable. If she carries on go low contact. And leave present sorting to your dh.

You can fix stupid, just not legally.

pilates · 25/12/2025 07:33

I would be distancing myself from the rude bitch after telling her I find her attitude shit.

TheTwitcher11 · 25/12/2025 07:34

BlackberryCognac · 24/12/2025 23:43

Context: DH’s brother’s wife hates me. We are infertile and it’s been very painful. We were on a zoom with his family telling them our only option for a baby would be ivf with donor eggs (cheers cancer) and we were in the middle of saying this when she said ‘well one of us can have kids. Baby x arriving next x month’. Kinda sums her up tbh. I once opened up to her about being diagnosed with cptsd and how I had made a suicide attempt and her only response was to say that her brother made a better attempt than I did. (wtf)

Anyway! I have tried so so hard to be nice and friendly. I met her a couple of times on mat leave (hers obvs) and I have sent her a couple of things etc. we were getting on ok and then out of the blue she now just leaves me on 2 blue ticks on WhatsApp so I just stopped asking things about our nephews or her or anything frankly.

usually I would ask her if what I was thinking of buying the boys is ok, not for idea or anything but just to make sure they don’t have duplicate etc, but I thought wtf is the point of asking her for her to completely ignore me anyway ? The last Christmas I asked for advice on what to buy him and I got a load of abuse about using my ‘own fucking initiative’ So I bought him the Lego Death Star

As we got it out of the car she completely lost her shit. ‘How the fuck are we going to store that?? It’s absolutely massive! He’ll love it too so I can’t bin it you’re a massive Bitch for this Blackberry. So when we ask for ideas it’s wrong and when we get him something he will absolutely love that’s also wrong?

Im not a parent, so was I Unreasonable? Or does she need to get the stick out of her arse? I know she will bring up this tomorrow and I’m so so tempted to say well if you’d responded to the last 15 messages over the last year maybe I’d have asked you what to get !!

Next year he’s getting a trumpet

She sounds positively ghastly.

Next time you should say ‘wow, for all your smug comments you certainly don’t seem very happy with your life’

Marinetrained · 25/12/2025 07:34

BananaramaNananana · 25/12/2025 00:00

Easy. You but out and let you dh deal with it. That means you don't interact at all and leave present buying, responding to whatsapp etc to your dh. Job done. Complete radio silence from you. Do not engage.

this. She’s a toxic human being. Disengage.

Objectrelations · 25/12/2025 07:41

Disengage. Also, stop sharing vulnerable personal information with them.

Creu · 25/12/2025 07:53

The Lego Death Star would push me over the edge (but I hate hate hate those Lego sets).

How does she know you’ve got that though? Why wasn’t the present wrapped?

CinnamonBuns67 · 25/12/2025 08:00

She sounds absolutely horrible OP I'm so sorry. Apart from that I'd also be annoyed about a massive lego death star (although I'd address it much more politely and I prefer people asking me what to get DD) I'm not going to say yabu because tbf it kind of serves her right for being such an ass but in future I'd be getting their child smaller (and cheaper) presents.

Alpacajigsaw · 25/12/2025 08:09

What an absolute bitch. Go no contact.

GAJLY · 25/12/2025 08:11

This happened to me and sil too. So I stopped going there with presents and sent cards with cheques in instead. Then they moved house and didn’t give me the address, so that’s stopped now too!

Alpacajigsaw · 25/12/2025 08:11

And the Lego Death Star is a nuts amount to spend on a nephew present. Treat yourself to something nice next year and get him something smaller

firstofallimadelight · 25/12/2025 08:12

Bagwyllydiart · 25/12/2025 07:31

You can fix stupid, just not legally.

Show quote history

Good point

Supergirl1958 · 25/12/2025 08:19

TeideHeart · 25/12/2025 00:18

I'm going a bit against the grain here, but what jumped out for me is that you were in a family chat talking about not being able to have children and your only option was ivf. Does everyone usually talk about indepth matters like this on the family chats.

Also, you opened up to her about having cpstd and your suicide attempt but if you aren't close I wonder why. Also, it may have been a sensitive topic for her since her brother took his own life. I think her response to you was sarcastic because you were talking about suicide. Did you know at the time that her brother had committed suicide? If you did I wonder why you'd bring up the subject. If you didn't, it obviously upset her but you weren't know.

Yes she's rude but it sounds like she thinks you maybe overshare or talk quite a lot about yourself, and so tries to shut you down.

I'm not saying you do, but she could have that perception.

I didn’t pick that up at all from the OP. I picked up that the SIL trumps everything the OP says. ‘At least one of us can have kids’ told me that. And that’s without the AS discussion!!

OP what a thoughtful gift from yourself and DH. I’m usually lucky if DC get something nice from B&M bargains from my BIL and wife when we’ve bought their DC expensive trainers!

HerNeighbourTotoro · 25/12/2025 08:26

RonaldMcDonaldTrump · 24/12/2025 23:54

She sounds unhinged in general, but if my in laws or sibling rocked up on Xmas eve with a £900 gift for my child, I'd be fuming

Edited

Id be extatic! I would love relatives to being us thousands worth of gifts 😂

Toothfairy89 · 25/12/2025 08:27

She sounds like a twat. But a lego death star is not an appropriate present for a child. It's a set for adult lego enthusiasts. It's massive, is going to be an absolute nightmare to build and store

I'd like to know the other side of the story tbh, given the inability to identify a newly £1000 adult lego set as not being an appropriate present for a child

xanthomelana · 25/12/2025 08:28

dapsnotplimsolls · 25/12/2025 00:06

Trumpet? No. Drum-kit? Yes.

Trumpet, drum kit and guitar, he might want to start a band?

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