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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu? Seriously was I? I can’t fucking win

152 replies

BlackberryCognac · 24/12/2025 23:43

Context: DH’s brother’s wife hates me. We are infertile and it’s been very painful. We were on a zoom with his family telling them our only option for a baby would be ivf with donor eggs (cheers cancer) and we were in the middle of saying this when she said ‘well one of us can have kids. Baby x arriving next x month’. Kinda sums her up tbh. I once opened up to her about being diagnosed with cptsd and how I had made a suicide attempt and her only response was to say that her brother made a better attempt than I did. (wtf)

Anyway! I have tried so so hard to be nice and friendly. I met her a couple of times on mat leave (hers obvs) and I have sent her a couple of things etc. we were getting on ok and then out of the blue she now just leaves me on 2 blue ticks on WhatsApp so I just stopped asking things about our nephews or her or anything frankly.

usually I would ask her if what I was thinking of buying the boys is ok, not for idea or anything but just to make sure they don’t have duplicate etc, but I thought wtf is the point of asking her for her to completely ignore me anyway ? The last Christmas I asked for advice on what to buy him and I got a load of abuse about using my ‘own fucking initiative’ So I bought him the Lego Death Star

As we got it out of the car she completely lost her shit. ‘How the fuck are we going to store that?? It’s absolutely massive! He’ll love it too so I can’t bin it you’re a massive Bitch for this Blackberry. So when we ask for ideas it’s wrong and when we get him something he will absolutely love that’s also wrong?

Im not a parent, so was I Unreasonable? Or does she need to get the stick out of her arse? I know she will bring up this tomorrow and I’m so so tempted to say well if you’d responded to the last 15 messages over the last year maybe I’d have asked you what to get !!

Next year he’s getting a trumpet

OP posts:
Blinkingbother · 25/12/2025 00:26

Wow - holy moly - any of my kids would love an aunt/uncle who might be happy to buy these sorts of gifts for them!! Sorry, she’s a cow… at least your other half sounds like a decent human being!

shuggles · 25/12/2025 00:28

@BlackberryCognac That's a lovely present for a nephew that loves Lego, and presumably one who likes Star Wars (the large majority of people like Star Wars).

The woman you are referring to sounds like a person who has never had to deal with any serious issues or problems in her life, which is why she has such a relaxed and blase attitude when it comes to issues like cancer, infertility, and suicide.

Rest assured that one day, she will have to deal with something that involves illness or death, and when that happens, she will experience a rude awakening.

chickenfucker · 25/12/2025 00:29

Putting aside the background, if she genuinely swore at you for buying her son an incredibly expensive present she can get to fuck, forever. Outrageous behaviour which can't be excused.

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 25/12/2025 00:30

RonaldMcDonaldTrump · 24/12/2025 23:54

She sounds unhinged in general, but if my in laws or sibling rocked up on Xmas eve with a £900 gift for my child, I'd be fuming

Edited

You would? Why? Wouldn't you be happy that your kid is getting something so nice? I'm not a parent so perhaps I don't understand.

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/12/2025 00:33

shuggles · 25/12/2025 00:28

@BlackberryCognac That's a lovely present for a nephew that loves Lego, and presumably one who likes Star Wars (the large majority of people like Star Wars).

The woman you are referring to sounds like a person who has never had to deal with any serious issues or problems in her life, which is why she has such a relaxed and blase attitude when it comes to issues like cancer, infertility, and suicide.

Rest assured that one day, she will have to deal with something that involves illness or death, and when that happens, she will experience a rude awakening.

Well it sounds like her brother killed himself so she’s not untouched by tragedy.

TeideHeart · 25/12/2025 00:34

The woman you are referring to sounds like a person who has never had to deal with any serious issues or problems in her life, which is why she has such a relaxed and blase attitude when it comes to issues like cancer, infertility, and suicide.

Her brother committed suicide. I'd say that was a pretty serious issue in her life.

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 25/12/2025 00:35

MerryBerrysnicecakes · 25/12/2025 00:11

Im utterly shocked that she would be so insensitive and abusive towards you
Do people actually speak to each other like this?
I would have gone NC after the " use your fucking initiative" reply not shelled out nearly 1K on a gift

The gift benefits the nephew though, and it's not him who has been nasty.

LBFseBrom · 25/12/2025 00:35

She sounds dreadful, full of bitchiness and hate. I wonder why? However that is not your problem. I'm surprised her husband doesn't say something to her.

You do your thing and keep contact with her o the minimum. I think you've been very patient but we all have limits.

NewNameforThisPost2025 · 25/12/2025 00:36

AnneLovesGilbert · 25/12/2025 00:33

Well it sounds like her brother killed himself so she’s not untouched by tragedy.

Show quote history

I took it that he'd injured himself worse than the OP did, not that it was a completed suicide or OP would have said. But perhaps I'm wrong.

Clearinguptheclutter · 25/12/2025 00:37

She’s awful
but it was ridiculous to buy him a Lego Death Star
I’d take a punt on something much cheaper- max £50- in future

jf you can be bothered get your dh to speak to his brother and try and find out what her problem is (other than she is just a bitch)

HorrorFan81 · 25/12/2025 00:38

She's an absolute twat OP

I would make it my job to wind her right up tho by being fake and overly nice to everything she said. She lays into you for buying the wrong thing? 'oh how absolutely silly of me, good gracious what was i thinking. Oh well never mind ive given it now' all with a big fake smile then turn around and talk to someone else. Dont talk to her unless you absolutely have to - even if its the two of you sitting there and its really awkward. Just sit and ignore her. If she says anything to you say the bare minimum back or, if shes being a dick do something like the above. Basically make a game out of it to amuse yourself and just get through it. I have a SIL who has really hurt me in the past and I now make a game out of avoiding her at gatherings and finding ways to keep conversation to an absolute minimum so she doesnt have the chance to have a dig

PrincessASDaisy · 25/12/2025 00:38

MerryBerrysnicecakes · 25/12/2025 00:11

Im utterly shocked that she would be so insensitive and abusive towards you
Do people actually speak to each other like this?
I would have gone NC after the " use your fucking initiative" reply not shelled out nearly 1K on a gift

Exactly this. Hardly believeable!

ThePerfectWeekend · 25/12/2025 00:39

Massive crap plastic drum kit for that bitch from hell.

Livelovelaughfuckoff · 25/12/2025 00:51

I will never understand why people go to such lengths to try and get on the right side of people who treat them so badly. Just disengage from her. Let your DH sort presents or ask what to get. Honestly have some self respect and distance yourself from the rude mare.

Side note though Lego Death Star is a bonkers gift and to be fair to the SIL I was going to buy it for my DH and DS this year but the issue of where to store the bloody thing once built was a main factor in not getting it. Also if your nephew is quiet young then it might not be something he can build independently.

CypressGrove · 25/12/2025 00:57

I wouldn't be sharing such personal information with someone who I don't like just because they are married to a family member.

Lotsofsnacks · 25/12/2025 01:01

BlackberryCognac · 24/12/2025 23:43

Context: DH’s brother’s wife hates me. We are infertile and it’s been very painful. We were on a zoom with his family telling them our only option for a baby would be ivf with donor eggs (cheers cancer) and we were in the middle of saying this when she said ‘well one of us can have kids. Baby x arriving next x month’. Kinda sums her up tbh. I once opened up to her about being diagnosed with cptsd and how I had made a suicide attempt and her only response was to say that her brother made a better attempt than I did. (wtf)

Anyway! I have tried so so hard to be nice and friendly. I met her a couple of times on mat leave (hers obvs) and I have sent her a couple of things etc. we were getting on ok and then out of the blue she now just leaves me on 2 blue ticks on WhatsApp so I just stopped asking things about our nephews or her or anything frankly.

usually I would ask her if what I was thinking of buying the boys is ok, not for idea or anything but just to make sure they don’t have duplicate etc, but I thought wtf is the point of asking her for her to completely ignore me anyway ? The last Christmas I asked for advice on what to buy him and I got a load of abuse about using my ‘own fucking initiative’ So I bought him the Lego Death Star

As we got it out of the car she completely lost her shit. ‘How the fuck are we going to store that?? It’s absolutely massive! He’ll love it too so I can’t bin it you’re a massive Bitch for this Blackberry. So when we ask for ideas it’s wrong and when we get him something he will absolutely love that’s also wrong?

Im not a parent, so was I Unreasonable? Or does she need to get the stick out of her arse? I know she will bring up this tomorrow and I’m so so tempted to say well if you’d responded to the last 15 messages over the last year maybe I’d have asked you what to get !!

Next year he’s getting a trumpet

Please never allow her speak to u like that again!! I could not hold my tongue, she is awful! You don’t know the answer is no, you are not being unreasonable! You need to stand up to this ungrateful bitch, I cannot believe how rudely she spoke to you in the 2 occasions you mentioned!

Itiswhysofew · 25/12/2025 01:05

I'd be telling her in front of everyone, to shut her fucking mouth. Who does she think she's speaking to? Don't let her away with it.

Rhubarb24 · 25/12/2025 01:15

shuggles · 25/12/2025 00:28

@BlackberryCognac That's a lovely present for a nephew that loves Lego, and presumably one who likes Star Wars (the large majority of people like Star Wars).

The woman you are referring to sounds like a person who has never had to deal with any serious issues or problems in her life, which is why she has such a relaxed and blase attitude when it comes to issues like cancer, infertility, and suicide.

Rest assured that one day, she will have to deal with something that involves illness or death, and when that happens, she will experience a rude awakening.

She has. It says in the post that her brother had a successful attempt at suicide.

CockSpadget · 25/12/2025 01:20

Why wasn’t it wrapped? Do you just give your presents without the element of surprise?

Catladywithoutacat · 25/12/2025 01:20

She’s very nasty what did you (possibly) do to her for her to be this way? You ever asked?

Maddy70 · 25/12/2025 01:24

Tbh there was no right time to tell you they were having a baby , you brought the subject up , they can hardly hide it to spare your feelings, I know it's upsetting for you , yabu to think she shouldn't tell you , yanbu to feel upset

Ponoka7 · 25/12/2025 01:25

Could your DH not have asked his brother what your DN would have wanted, or is that a woman's job? How much trauma dumping do you do? What was the context of the family chat, was it appropriate to share so much? Did she just happen to be in the background? It's quite childish to say she hates you. You are different people, who happen to be married to brothers. Just stop trying and tell your DH to get his shit together re presents for his family.

aneelli · 25/12/2025 01:27

Wow 900£ don’t think I can get over the price

99bottlesofkombucha · 25/12/2025 01:36

100% get him the trumpet, but pack it with glitter. And get her half an eaten chocolate bar and act surprised it’s half eaten.

ForeverPombear · 25/12/2025 01:36

Maddy70 · 25/12/2025 01:24

Tbh there was no right time to tell you they were having a baby , you brought the subject up , they can hardly hide it to spare your feelings, I know it's upsetting for you , yabu to think she shouldn't tell you , yanbu to feel upset

During a conversation about someone being infertile is not the time to announce it.