Aibu? Seriously was I? I can’t fucking win

[BlackberryCognac]

Context: DH’s brother’s wife hates me. We are infertile and it’s been very painful. We were on a zoom with his family telling them our only option for a baby would be ivf with donor eggs (cheers cancer) and we were in the middle of saying this when she said ‘well one of us can have kids. Baby x arriving next x month’. Kinda sums her up tbh. I once opened up to her about being diagnosed with cptsd and how I had made a suicide attempt and her only response was to say that her brother made a better attempt than I did. (wtf)

Anyway! I have tried so so hard to be nice and friendly. I met her a couple of times on mat leave (hers obvs) and I have sent her a couple of things etc. we were getting on ok and then out of the blue she now just leaves me on 2 blue ticks on WhatsApp so I just stopped asking things about our nephews or her or anything frankly.

usually I would ask her if what I was thinking of buying the boys is ok, not for idea or anything but just to make sure they don’t have duplicate etc, but I thought wtf is the point of asking her for her to completely ignore me anyway ? The last Christmas I asked for advice on what to buy him and I got a load of abuse about using my ‘own fucking initiative’ So I bought him the Lego Death Star

As we got it out of the car she completely lost her shit. ‘How the fuck are we going to store that?? It’s absolutely massive! He’ll love it too so I can’t bin it you’re a massive Bitch for this Blackberry. So when we ask for ideas it’s wrong and when we get him something he will absolutely love that’s also wrong?

Im not a parent, so was I Unreasonable? Or does she need to get the stick out of her arse? I know she will bring up this tomorrow and I’m so so tempted to say well if you’d responded to the last 15 messages over the last year maybe I’d have asked you what to get !!

Next year he’s getting a trumpet

Don't bother about her. Don't make the effort.

This would be my sentiments.

Spending 900 pound on a Christmas gift is over the top I feel. You should have said, not my choice. I simply would navigate it so I did not have to spend time with her. If that means seeing less of the children then so be it.

She's a vile bitch. Have nothing more to do with her unless absolutely unavoidable.

She sounds like a twat. But a lego death star is not an appropriate present for a child. It's a set for adult lego enthusiasts. It's massive, is going to be an absolute nightmare to build and store

Good. She can deal with it. I wouldn't give a shit. OP says it was her husband's choice anyway.

No, the OP said that SIL said she's expecting a baby " next X month" ie " next June" or whatever. She was announcing her pregnancy in the same conversation that the OP was talking about her infertility.

Yep, sums it up perfectly

That's a crackpot gift, guaranteed to get a big reaction either way. The blue ticks thing is no big deal, people forget to reply sometimes. The rest is shit though so honestly I'd leave that couple for your DH to deal with and keep your distance. There's no need for you to keep in touch with people who make you feel crappy.

Have thought about the fact that she doesn’t like you spending so much on her kids. Do you do this every time. If you are buying things she can’t afford she may feel as though you are trying to upstage her or undermine her. There are many threads on here from parents who feel threatened by relatives buying generous gifts for their kids which are not appreciated.

the new Lego Death Star is insanely big and complex and will take a young child a lot of time and support to complete. It also does take up a lot of space and needs somewhere to go when it’s finished.
I think you possibly haven’t thought this through very well and are just focussing on the grand gesture which is out of proportion for your relationship. I would like to hear the other side of this story to get a balance.

She sounds really horrible and selfish and spoiled and full of her own self importance from what you have said here you have been incredibly patient with her. I just wouldn’t bother my arse anymore if I were you. I would be civil but no emotional warmth and I wouldn’t be telling her anymore personal things (such as about the ivf) to give her further leverage.

You need to not bother with her. She is clearly never going to be your friend so just be civil and reduce the gifts to a smaller item. If you want to provide more for niece/ nephews perhaps put money aside for their 21st’s (which might be a lot more useful for them anyway and gifts time for this situation to resolve. If not the kids will be adults then anyway so SIL can’t really stop you)

There are people that I don't like but I'm not that nasty to them!

Didn't anyone say anything about her comment on the zoom call either at the time or afterwards?

Sounds as if you have been trying for way too long with her.

There are very ew people I share personal stuff with though.

The woman is a fucking bitch.

She 100% knew what she was saying with that comment about having a baby. I never understand why some people go out their way to make other people feel miserable.

She actually said that? Those exact words?! Everyone must have been aghast and disgusted!

Was it not wrapped?

Nah, not buying this one sorry.

I’m sorry about your fertility issues.

You are trying way too hard to be accepted by her, when she’s just a very nasty individual. I wouldn’t bother initiating any communications with her from now on and keep any responses to her brief or not at all. She is no one.

I would just stop going to see them or making any effort.

If it’s important to you to maintain a relationship with the kids then just send a token gift or get DH to go.

What do yours and her DH say when she’s saying things like this?
In fact what do you say??

Some people are clumsy when they talk but calling you at bitch for bringing a gift? And you just stood there and took it?? - I would have left straight away and I don’t know why DH didn’t say absolutely not are you speaking to her like that and get straight back in the car.

I think you just need to be blunt with her
just tell her this is all hard work you clearly don’t like me
so in the interest of an easy life I think we will have the minimal contact and just be polite to each other when our paths cross

I'm sending you a big hug, we had secondary infertility issues and it was really tough. I hope you get the baby you deserve.
You're clearly a very thoughtful aunt and uncle - get a drum kit for the next birthday!

This^

You and your DH have bought a huge Lego set which is for 18+. I'm only guessing, but your nephew is probably younger than that...you might get away with it if he's, say, 15+ with lots of Lego building experience, but it's not for children.

It's not really something he can play with. It's an ADULT set which is mainly for display once built.

I had Technic Lego as a kid and am currently mid-way through a Modular build, so I do know what I'm doing, but following the instructions can be really complicated.

There is a minimum age on this stuff for a reason, as well as some of the pieces are miniscule. Very easy to swallow and would fit up a nose or down an ear.

Putting aside the obvious lack of relationship between you and her, and her lack of sensitivity, your DH should have just asked what each DN would like/need.

OP I think she was annoyed at the amount you spent (which personally I think is ludicrous).
They probably don't spend that much on their son and then you 'trump' whatever present they buy, which I can see would be upsetting for them (but I am not condoning her actions).
Maybe give some thought to how much you are spending and buying a more cost appropriate gift, you might find the attitude changes if you do so.

What, like her brother committing suicide?

Baby x arriving next x month’

I read that as the baby (insert sex) would arrive next (insert month) so could have been any of the following 9 months.

Get this toxic woman out of your life and stop being a doormat!