Aibu? Seriously was I? I can’t fucking win

[BlackberryCognac]

Context: DH’s brother’s wife hates me. We are infertile and it’s been very painful. We were on a zoom with his family telling them our only option for a baby would be ivf with donor eggs (cheers cancer) and we were in the middle of saying this when she said ‘well one of us can have kids. Baby x arriving next x month’. Kinda sums her up tbh. I once opened up to her about being diagnosed with cptsd and how I had made a suicide attempt and her only response was to say that her brother made a better attempt than I did. (wtf)

Anyway! I have tried so so hard to be nice and friendly. I met her a couple of times on mat leave (hers obvs) and I have sent her a couple of things etc. we were getting on ok and then out of the blue she now just leaves me on 2 blue ticks on WhatsApp so I just stopped asking things about our nephews or her or anything frankly.

usually I would ask her if what I was thinking of buying the boys is ok, not for idea or anything but just to make sure they don’t have duplicate etc, but I thought wtf is the point of asking her for her to completely ignore me anyway ? The last Christmas I asked for advice on what to buy him and I got a load of abuse about using my ‘own fucking initiative’ So I bought him the Lego Death Star

As we got it out of the car she completely lost her shit. ‘How the fuck are we going to store that?? It’s absolutely massive! He’ll love it too so I can’t bin it you’re a massive Bitch for this Blackberry. So when we ask for ideas it’s wrong and when we get him something he will absolutely love that’s also wrong?

Im not a parent, so was I Unreasonable? Or does she need to get the stick out of her arse? I know she will bring up this tomorrow and I’m so so tempted to say well if you’d responded to the last 15 messages over the last year maybe I’d have asked you what to get !!

Next year he’s getting a trumpet

If she brings it up tomorrow, OP, just calmly point out you did ask for ideas but were ignored. Then walk away and have as little as possible to do with her in future. What a rude, insensitive and ungrateful person she is. I’m gobsmacked that there are people who talk to others in that way!

If Friends taught us anything, the protocol here is a drum kit and a hideous tarantula in a poorly constructed container.

Her actions aren't normal; she no doubt has criticisms of you and would probably tell a different "side of the story" if she were posting here, but that doesn't excuse yelling at you that you're a bitch or being rude to you in general.

Keep in mind, receiving gifts that are disappointing or inappropriate or not what the receiver wanted is quite common (watch the posts on here tomorrow - there will be loads!!) and normal people still manage to be polite and gracious and not have a sweary abusive temper tantrum. If your DNs like the gifts they got from you and your husband then you're doing well. I wouldn't punish DNs for the mother being a nutter, but I also wouldn't bother engaging with her. She's either not capable of having a civil, logical discussion or not willing to try and so it's just wasted effort on your part; why spend the energy?

Sorry but your DH should be talking to his brother and they should be dealing with this. This is not acceptable at all. I would be refusing to be around his family if she’s there until it’s sorted.

Time to buy him bagpipes and a pet snake.

THIS. No contact the utter cowbag.

Op says she was due next month......surely she'd have been visibly pregnant?
Or would you just expect them to announce it when the baby arrives.

Re the lego death star, totally unreasonable.
Far too complicated for a child and far too big to store after, and you probably embarrassed them by getting such a big present.

I wouldn't have been happy.

I also think you're massively oversharing your issues @BlackberryCognac

She sounds like a horror… but…

£900 and you didn’t speak to them about it???? Talk about making her gifts look inferior when the aunty and uncle nonchalantly rock up with a ginormous £900 gift that it sounds like he’ll love and likely trump all the gifts they have bought him.

I think this is abit of a f*ck you present to your SIL, it’s not great behaviour imo.

Cards on the table, I’d be either gutted or fuming if I was your SIL tbh and really not appreciate this grand ‘stealth’ gift. A plastic drum kit would go down just fine in this house. I’d be totally embarrassed.

Im 99% sure this is about the money? You must be able to see that? There must of been a reason she just one day started to ignore you. Have you asked?

@BlackberryCognac I mean this with a huge amount of kindness. I'm wondering why you are trying so hard to be part of/win approval of this person and ignore who they really are. I'm not saying avoid any events they are at. I'm saying it appears like you are looking for something she can't provide. She's not kind so why open up to her? She doesn't care about your loss/pain/suffering so why talk about IVF on a chat she's in? She will never appreciate the gifts you get her kids and probably resent you for it, so why spend almost a grand on one of her children?

I think you have a void which is completely understandable and doesn't make you a bad person. I feel immensely for you. But looking to fill that void through her/her family, will only backfire.

I'm very very sorry for all you've been through. Seek support from people who are generous and kind and really care. Set yourself some boundaries for her - nothing personal, nothing weighty, nothing where you'd expect and need a kind response. Do typical auntie/uncle things for sure, maybe a toy and 50-100 quid to put aside for their future, but don't top the parents' gifts for their children, don't get them the best presents, it's not appreciated and I think blurs some lines.

You are clearly a kind person who sees the best in people. But I think it's time to change how you connect with this SIL and her family.

All the very best with your fertility journey.

This. To me it’s a no brainer, she would be cut off and blocked before she even finished her rant. No way will I allow anyone to treat me with such rudeness and disrespect and continue to entertain them, I would not even allow it from my mother or sisters so this stranger essentially can get stuffed!

This is DH sil so he can engage in the conversations with her, she literally wouldn’t exist to me as far as I am concerned and if my DH tried to say I was being unreasonable ( not suggesting the OP husband has said this) he’d be getting a world of pain from me for even suggesting I might be in the wrong somehow.

I too would probably eye roll at the Lego though because as someone who has 2 sons that loved Lego, as they got older it all basically ended up in the charity bin once they hit 14/15 and £900 for it to end up not being enjoyed once they hit a certain age is money down the pan unless of course they have some kind of display case they can showcase it for many many years and intend to pass it on to their children etc. I just feel there could be better ways to spend £900 BUT as the OP said had the stupid woman just replied then none of this Lego debacle would have happened.

Meh. Would love to hear the other side of the story.

This please stop, she is not worth it x you sound lovely 💐

You’re allowed to spend £900 on a gift, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. If someone gifted my DS the massive Lego Titanic he likes, I wouldn’t know where to put it, but I’d have to figure it out!

Stop arming her with deeply personal information.

If she really speaks to you like that why in earth would you spend time in her company? 15 messages she didn't respond to ...... Why on earth would you keep bashing your hed against a brick wall? Your DH is perfectly capable of spending time with his brother with his god son without you.

Give yourself a Christmas treat this year, claw back some pride and disengage from this woman.

Personally I’d be buying a drum kit. She sounds like a right pain.

The lego death star is an amazing present - assuming DNephew is old enough to tackle it.

I really disagree with this. £900 is a nauseating amount of money to spend on a gift. I would make me massively uncomfortable tbh- even more so if I didn’t get on with the gifter. For context, both my children combined haven’t had £900 for Xmas gifts.

> Next year he’s getting a trumpet

A drum kit or bagpipes are also 'popular' choices

Let DH and his brother discuss present arrangements in future. Which tbh should have been the case anyway, no reason for this to be outsourced to the wives.

She was incredibly rude. But.... A £900 present is likely going to overshadow anything she's got her child. I don't think you and your husband want to be that person? I'm guessing it's too late now. But for reference, even £50 would be a generous present from an aunt or uncle in my view.

What a horrible woman. I wouldn’t bother in future, not with that attitude.

So they only announced their new baby when she was 8 months pregnant? On a zoom call where you were telling them about your infertility? So you're close enough to tell them about private family business but not close enough to know they are having a baby until she's 8 months pregnant? And you spent £900 on a Christmas present and conveniently got it out of the car unwrapped so she could be outraged at it? This story is...implausible

She didn’t say next month, she said ‘next x month’ where ‘x’ stands in for eg July to anonymise the post.

OP, what did others on the family Zoom say when she responded so insensitively? The whole lot of them are arseholes if they let that pass unchallenged.

Just stop engaging with her - stop hitting your head against the brick wall. She’s your DH’s sister in law. Just let him deal with her - drop the rope. People can only upset you if you care.

She's a revolting cunt. It's definitely not you. As others have said, leave everything to your husband and leave her to it.

No, it said "baby due next X month"...so that could have been next June or whatever.