Just to take lots of presents straight in the charity shop

[Bestreached]

I know I'm being ungrateful, but FFS please can everyone stop buying me shit I don't need! I have been so clear to everyone for years now that I don't want any presents. The acquisition of pointless stuff stresses me out. I have everything I want and need. I do not need more things, and if I ever do I can get them myself and don't need you to give me them on an arbitrary day!

I could not have been clearer with people. Much as I love you for thinking of me and putting the effort / expenditure in, please please please do not do it because I don't want you to. This isn't false modesty or whatever. I don't mind getting you stuff if you want. If you really do want to get the joy of giving, give to a charity on my behalf. I just do not want more things!! Argh!!!!

So AIBU to not even bother opening the many presents that my apparently deaf friends and relatives have got me and just take them straight to the charity shop? And if anyone thinks I'm being ungrateful and should think of all those people who want presents but don't get any, I would gladly give all of mine to them. Pick them up from the front garden in the morning.

To be clear, I'm not offended when people offer to make me a cup of tea. I just don't see the point of the societal norm around it. Were it not the done thing I wouldn't even think of asking another grown adult whether they wanted me to make them a drink. Surely if they wanted a drink they would make their own?
Would they like me to tie their shoelaces and help them on the toilet as well?

You have a basic lack of understanding of social niceties. And sometimes it’s nice to be offered a cup of tea.

I remember going to some hideous toddlers group when I had two under two. The organiser made me a cup of tea. I could have cried with gratitude. Yes I could have made it myself. I’m as independent as they come. But it was a kind gesture that made me feel better, when I was tried and fed up.

It is odd that all this needs explaining to you!

And doing stuff like this for friends and family is a sign of affection and appreciation. All good things.

@Bestreached

You are so right.

When you tell people to NOT buy xmas gifts for you, that should be enough.

So much manufacturing goes into producing so, so many gifts that are a pure waste. Many thoughtless, unwanted gifts create an immense wasted carbon footprint that ever so slightly, year by year, eats away at the longevity of our planet,

I, too, would prefer to receive nothing than get an irrelevant or thoughless gift.

As a kid/teenager (and even now at certain times), I liked/like getting ca$h from generous relatives. It was/is the ultimate THOUGHTFUL gift from people who found me "difficult to buy for".

I'd be much happier (if people don't know my likes/dislikes well enough to please me) at xmas and birthdays for them to give their funds to, say, OXFAM or the UNHCR or UNICEF or AMNESTY ... places where others' lives could be improved.

Minority maybe, for now. But just as deserving of respect and adhering to as anyone else's wishlist they've circulated.

Then better communication is the key

I think if I knew you I would buy you one of those gifts that repeats- like a monthly chocolate box subscription.

The knowledge of your regular, irrational anger would be my gift in return.

What a moaning load of tosh. Just take them to the charity shop or put them in the foodbank. Job done.

Why should anyone eat some stupid chocolate they don't enjoy?

Talking about entitled. "You told me you don't want advent calendar, but I know better and now don't be awkward and eat it, because your wishes are irrelevant, this was intended this way and I'm entitled to your compliance "...

Is it? Because multiple posters have said the principle is unacceptable regardless of how well it is communicated.

The OP didn't say she doesn't like the chocolate.
She's just being a bit pathetic because she doesn't want to spend 10 seconds opening a cardboard door. I mean....how awful it must be to have to do that.
I understand the hatred/annoyance of getting presents you can't use like items you're allergic to or clothes that don't fit but the OP is going a bit over the top about this in my personal opinion.
She might be all "I'm sooooo independent and can buy everything I need myself" but she really is the relative everyone is rolling their eyes about 🙄

Crikey. It's not the time or effort spent opening a cardboard door that is problematic. It's that I don't want a big box of chocolates on the side for a month being slowly whittled away at. Yes, it is a teeny tiny daily job, but... I DON'T WANT A CALENDAR FULL OF CHOCOLATES ON MY MANTELPIECE FOR A MONTH SO PLEASE DO NOT BUY ME ONE!!!

If anyone rolls their eyes at me not wanting gifts, I would politely suggest that it is a them problem not a me problem.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I am going to make myself a drink. If you want one too, come along and make your own.

This. It's about the gesture.

The spirit of Scrooge is strong in OP 😂

How am I being obtuse? Why resort to insults? Tells me what kind of person you are.

What’s wrong with posting something on Olio? Someone who actually wants such things is going to pick it up.

I’m not saying throw things away!

All I said, is that there wouldn’t be any waste to begin with if people LISTENED when someone said they didn’t want gifts. It’s buying for the sake of buying and there is enough waste as it is in the world.

Why add to it by giving gifts to people who don’t want them?

Good communication isn't measured in how well the giver thinks it's been done - it's measured by how well it's understood. Clearly this communication hasn't worked, so another approach is needed.

If anyone rolls their eyes at me not wanting gifts, I would politely suggest that it is a them problem not a me problem.

This whole thread is a you problem, not a them problem. Politely.

In a weird way this rejection of cultural ritual is actually quite individualistic. You're part of this society and this is what we do. If there's going to be gifts, sway them to something you will happily consume, we all have to eat.

It's shifting because people like the OP are voicing their wishes. It's shifting because many people express this preference. Some are understood and respected.

We don't even know how many adults think like this - maybe a minority, but maybe a significant minority.

Sometimes no matter how clearly you communicate, the other side is unwilling to understand. This thread is a good example of how many people wouldn't respect the OP for rather selfish reasons.

Is it really a set in stone must do cultural ritual? No.

Plenty of posters on various Christmas threads and from what I’ve seen on social media only buy presents for children, or they buy presents for only their significant others and children and stopped buying for other adults years ago for various reasons. Even more so now when plenty of people can’t afford to and don’t want to go into debt to do so.

It is nothing new not to exchange gifts as adults or not want gifts for Christmas.

People complain about overconsumption and mass consumerism and Christmas is over-commercialised and it’s lost it true meaning while telling people they should be grateful for presents they have said they don’t want and if they don’t want it, they should just find someone else to take it or put it in the charity bin when the gift could have easily not been bought in the first place.

Christmas for many is more than about gifts and plenty of people enjoy Christmas without exchanging gifts at all, doesn’t make it any less of a holiday. If you need gifts for it to be Christmas for you, fine, but expecting others to be the same and make it out as them being difficult or not doing Christmas correctly in your eyes because it doesn’t mean the same to you is ridiculous.

I don't think it's shifting significantly, nor will it. The minority remains just that.

I think it's pretty simplistic to say people are ignoring OP for selfish reasons - unless she has a family and friend circle of deliberately obnoxious people then she is the one not communicating properly. Perhaps she should show them her posts on this thread, then they might see quite what they're dealing with.

I agree OP needs to be clearer although it sounds like she has been so she might need to put it in writing as I had to in the end.

But there are still some on this thread who consider the method or effectiveness of the communication to be immaterial because even thinking about not wanting gifts, let along voicing that, is selfish, creating drama and an unreasonable disruption of societal norms.

Obviously I think those posters are all bonkers but they walk among us.

I would agree with this.
What is ridiculous though is the op's hyperbolic response to receiving gifts.
Not wanting anything is fine but to react in such a dramatic way to a bottle if bubble bath is completely over the top.
It's much easier for her and spares feelings to accept it and regift it or donate it (as indeed the thread is titled).
To start talking about 'putting it in writing' is attention seeking and making it all about her, sorry

I'd just go for nicer versions of consumables I use anyway. E.g. nice olive oil, or posh chocolates etc. If you like the gift, it gets consumed quickly and doesn't clutter needlessly, else it's a lovely donation for someone else

To start talking about 'putting it in writing' is attention seeking and making it all about her, sorry
Nope, just ensures clarity and nobody then needs to discuss it ever again. The opposite of attention seeking. It just shuts the topic down.

When MIL and SIL both blindsided me by having birthday gifts delivered directly to our house one year when I thought I had been entirely clear about how much I hated it I had to do it in writing. Sent a WhatsApp being entirely clear that while I knew their intentions were kind and I'm sure I was being very strange but I was genuinely upset by dealing with gifts and the kindest way they could ever treat my birthday was to pretend they didn't even know when it was. They both apologised, I thanked them and it was never mentioned again.

No drama, no attention seeking just a brief 5 minutes of awkwardness on text and then all done and dusted and everything is now easy.

I didn’t write that OP should put it in writing. For all we know, they have texted this and still receive gifts anyway. Texting counts as in writing right?

How is it much easier for OP to be given a chore/task they didn’t want or ask for because people choose to ignore what they have said about gifts?

Why should their feelings be spared for ignoring OP when OP has said this stuff stresses them out? If these people know that it does, and they do it anyway, wouldn’t that make it worse?

Plus, unless I missed it, OP hasn’t said anything to the givers about what their plans are for the gifts. Sounds like OP is venting because they’ve put up with this for years and have had enough.

Not much different from people venting about the gifts on several threads here where they have told loved ones repeatedly that they can’t use or don’t like xyz but it is bought for them anyway.

I think what is attention seeking is this thread about it, not necessarily the act of not wanting anything in the first place.

If OP were clearer then this issue might be solved - as it was for you (although I don't think your MIL or SIL should have apologised, there was nothing to apologise for). But if this has been going on for years then most likely it's not been communicated well.

Either way, there are bigger sorrows in this world, it's hardly worth getting upset to this level about. It's a bit martyry, as MN loves to say.

This is just nasty. Do what you like.