Just to take lots of presents straight in the charity shop

[Bestreached]

I know I'm being ungrateful, but FFS please can everyone stop buying me shit I don't need! I have been so clear to everyone for years now that I don't want any presents. The acquisition of pointless stuff stresses me out. I have everything I want and need. I do not need more things, and if I ever do I can get them myself and don't need you to give me them on an arbitrary day!

I could not have been clearer with people. Much as I love you for thinking of me and putting the effort / expenditure in, please please please do not do it because I don't want you to. This isn't false modesty or whatever. I don't mind getting you stuff if you want. If you really do want to get the joy of giving, give to a charity on my behalf. I just do not want more things!! Argh!!!!

So AIBU to not even bother opening the many presents that my apparently deaf friends and relatives have got me and just take them straight to the charity shop? And if anyone thinks I'm being ungrateful and should think of all those people who want presents but don't get any, I would gladly give all of mine to them. Pick them up from the front garden in the morning.

You have got gifts for other people so why wouldn’t they also give you a gift? How do you know they don’t feel the same way about gifts you got them?

Well…this years top trump is an old coffee jar with a pen and an opened packet of Post-its inside…it’s a ‘memory jar’ apparently!

You sound generally unpleasant and ungrateful so I’m shocked so many people actually want to give you anything 😂

That still goes both ways.

You also choose to ignore by ignoring such people, you’re giving another chore and task they didn’t ask for or want.

Yes, gift-giving is standard but not for everyone who celebrates Christmas.

Gifts also don’t have to be objects.

People make the gift giving performative too. Insisting in being there when their gifts are open, taking photos etc. Why is those who want to make everyone's lives easier, by removing the chore of buying a present for them the one who has to set their feelings aside?

It's funny how everything in this comment can be reversed.

I could put my feelings to one side and happily receive a gift. Or you could put yours to one side and happily not give one.

I would disagree over whether my refusal is 'performative' but given my clearly stated wishes it is at least as arguable that anyone giving me a gift is being performative.

True it's not only about one person. Neither giver nor receiver.

The entire point of this thread is to argue that both standpoints are equal. To me, ignoring wishes is the bad thing. I have asked for no presents. Getting me one is the same degree of thoughtlessness as if you'd asked for one and I'd not bothered.

Because I told them, and they asked for stuff.

Look upon the gifts as donations to charity. The gifts won’t go to waste and a charity will benefit . Just thank them and smile . It’s Christmas 🤶

Trouble is, attending a big gift exchange with family/friends means that if you rather obviously get nothing while everyone else is opening something, it makes a social occasion very awkward. I absolutely understand your sentiments and bought myself what I wanted recently, new wellies/coat/jeans. I’d be appalled if someone else got me what they thought I’d like, I’m super fussy. I wouldn’t want their idea of the coat they think I’d want, nor do I want something that will immediately go in the food bank/charity bank. I won’t eat chocolate etc so am probably considered fussy and I’ll buy what I want when the need/desire arises.

Is there a charity you support, OP? Because that would satisfy others’ desperate need to gift something (anything!) but you don’t actually get anything. Did you still get presents today despite being clear on not getting any?

Trouble is, attending a big gift exchange with family/friends means that if you rather obviously get nothing while everyone else is opening something, it makes a social occasion very awkward
It's only awkward if people are childish enough not to be able to accept people like different things. I am very happy to give people whatever they want. I don't understand why people want stuff and don't find opening presents excruciating but I don't need to understand it, I just accept it and kindly try to do what they want for them.

Being told I am not worthy of the same respect because people find my feelings less valid than traditional for the sake of it isn't a great feeling.

I get the same stress about it as you OP but I’m just upfront about it with people. Which means this year my gifts have been: cinema voucher, voucher for my favourite restaurant, a set of candles, nice chocolates, and a small hamper of favourite foods (marzipan, cheeses, oatcakes, drinks, stollen, hot sauces…)

I love all my gifts and none of them create unwanted clutter. You have to be very clear with people.

Tbf its probably easy for the charity shop to sell unusued items. And it helps the charity so YAVMNBU.

Unopened gift bath sets and and candles sell well here (often to be gifts). I buy them as gifts to myself a lot.

Hear hear! Imagine having one person in a convivial group not receiving any presents. They would be very noticeable, and it would make everyone else uncomfortable.

In my family the adults don’t do gifts. My in laws however insist on giving me extra large PJs and plastic tat that goes to the charity shop.

I get it OP. It's not kind to ignore your wishes every year and to keep buying you things you've expressly said you don't want.

MN is weird with gifts though.

arghh...ive just received the dreaded "nivea" toiletries....i fucking hate hate hate cheap shit like that and lets not talk about the most hideous ornament straight from hell ( temu )..no charity shop is going to want it...WHY MUM ??

Lots do, hence why the best teacher etc can be found at the charity shops.

If people were better at buying gifts it wouldn’t be an issue. I have no problem with consumables if someone doesn’t know what to buy me- it’s the junk and tat that’s not welcome. I think the current phrase for it online is “landfill core”. Everything I’ve been gifted this year can be used up- cinema and restaurant vouchers, a bottle of my favourite drink, nice chocolates and so on. My family understands I don’t want or need “things”. Far more thoughtful than just giving for the sake of giving as so many do.

Why not just politely accept the gift and either use, regift or take to the charity shop in order to go with the flow and not make it all about you?

@Bestreached sooooo......what did you get?
Was there at least one thing you liked/will use?

I suspect OP has done so for years and has had enough. I did that for years and had enough. Most things about Christmas everyone is all "set your own boundaries and don't worry about offending anyone" when it's about where you wake up on Christmas morning or travel etc. But when it's a simple "please don't get me anything I don't like presents" which is so easy a request to fulfill then suddenly that's "making it all about that person" and is terribly selfish.

Makes no sense

I got two board games and a t-shirt, as well as a box of chocolates. Obviously I said thanks and was nice, but also said 'Ah I said I didn't want anything! You really shouldn't have!' And I meant it!

Look, it is lovely that I received things. I appreciate that plenty of people get nothing, and that at some point my name and face must have crossed people's minds. But if it really is the thought that counts then they must have thought 'Well, she's said she wants nothing. But I am going to ignore that and get her these random things.' So not actually that nice a thought.

I will take the chocs to work next week. The other things will go to the charity shop if I get the chance, or else in the bin. Total waste of time, money and resources. I have enough t-shirts and games. I don't want or need more, or these particular ones.

I also have an advent calendar here, still in its cellophane wrapper, if anyone's interested. Lindt so not bad! Someone was shocked when they saw that yesterday. I was like 'I said I didn't want one. Then I got given one anyway. Did people think I was lying?' Apparently they did.

I don’t know, I definitely used to get stressed about getting gifts before I convinced people to stop buying for me. I hate stuff and it was stressful to have to unwrap it all, pretend to be happy and then think about where I was going to store it all/ how I could get rid of it without offending anyone.

I find life goes easier when you stop trying to control what other people do and stay focused on managing your own response to what people do. Choosing where you wake up on xmas morning and who you have with you is in your own control. Whether a person buys you a present or not is within their control, not yours. They are not the same thing at all.

Requesting not to receive presents is literally the only thing I make any request about at Christmas. I don't have any opinion on what is eaten or when or where we sleep or what activities people want to do or play or watch or anything else. I accommodate everyone else's requests about any of it cheerfully.

I refuse to accept that my one tiny request to just not be given anything amongst all the other things people have their own (strong) opinions about is unreasonable.