Husband decided he’s not coming to my family’s for Christmas just because he wants a day to himself at home.

[Puggymummy19]

Aibu to make him come?!
he says he can’t be bothered with the chaos, kids and just wants to be alone at home.
he’s not depressed or anything like this just being anti social.
would you care?
to add we only live round the corner, I said please just come for the dinner at least but won’t even do that

What does “I wouldn’t accept it” mean?! Would you stab him? Divorce him? Scream your head off until you’d nagged him into submission?

or does it, as we all suspect, mean nothing apart from “I’d be pissed off and sulk for a few days”??

I understand the want for a quiet Christmas, but the time to communicate that was at least a month ago. Dropping out of an arrangement the day before because you can't be bothered is very poor form. Your parents will have already brought food he won't eat, and presumably you won't have stuff in for Christmas lunch at home, so its too late to change the plan to the three of you spending it together at home.

How awful for your DD that her dad doesn't want to spend Christmas with her. And what a selfish arse to not just suck it up for one day

No, I think I matched your posts to me in exactly the same tone and you didn’t like it - what were you so insulted by?🤔

Obviously you yourself are the kind of person who would cancel plans to spend Christmas Day with your partners family and your child on Christmas Eve bc you’ve decided you fancy “a day alone”.

If you’re perfectly comfortable with that kind of behaviour good for you! I’d have a very low view of my dm or dh if they’d done something like that at Christmas, unless there was something very wrong with them.

Gosh, and you accuse others of projecting? 🤣

Its fucking Christmas. It is often a pita but you slap that smile on (have a read of the Emma Thompson thread for some real stoicism) especially if you have kids and you are part of a long term couple(as much as he might not like it, unless something dire is going on, you come as a team at things like this) If my dh had said to my or his parents, "Oh Fuckery is bringing the kids for Christmas, I basically cba" they would assumed there was something rotten in the state of Denmark of our marriage. So would I.

Wanting a day on your own is entirely reasonable.
Xmas day is entirely selfish.

@Dollybantree

Would he be happy taking your child to his parents and letting you have a relaxing day alone on Christmas Day? No, thought not.

Just checked this out with the OH, and we agree we’d both be eager for such an arrangement.

Great suggestion. Thank you.

How selfish of him, he is not a good father choosing to spend the majority of Christmas day without his daughter.

Very big hugs. I wish we could selectively remove certain memories or at least totally numb the pain of past events, although I imagine you treasure the run up. I’m so sorry for your loss. 😢

Absolutely this!

Its fine to want a day on your own.

Its fine to want a day just the 3 of you.

It’s not fine to not want to celebrate Xmas with your own child and wife.

He’s being weird and I would want to know why in case there’s something wrong.

I want a day to myself, but I'm divorced so can send kids off to their dad's and have that time alone after Christmas. Maybe recognize it's something he obviously needs, but negotiation is required as to when

Can’t he have just one year doing things how he wants to?

Imagine the reverse, ‘my husband wants us to see the in-laws and entire family every year, I just want a quiet family Christmas with the three of us. Am I being unreasonable to have one Christmas with just our little family and see the in-laws Boxing Day or Christmas Eve?’

Ah, one of those great Dads who doesn’t even want to spend Christmas day with their child.

Don’t stress about this let him stay home alone he will just be miserable and annoy you

If he wants a day to himself, there's a wonderful thing called BOOKING A DAY OFF WITH WORK.

Christmas Day is not it!

Posters would be telling her she’s selfish and Xmas is the one day of the year when the kids come first.

If you can’t put your feelings to 1 side for 1 day to make it fun and special for them, then it doesn’t make you a good parent.

If they spend a ridiculous amount of time there then this is a conversation to have for next year - not the day before the event.

For those hard of reading who keep on saying this: that isn’t the situation here.

The dh hasn’t mentioned anything about having Christmas just the three of them.

He agreed to go to the OP’s family ages ago and now is going back on that the day before citing the reason being he fancies “a day to himself”.

He basically would rather have a day to himself on Christmas Day than spend it with his wife and dd and has chosen the day before they’re set to go to spring it on her.

If he wants it to be just the three of them he can have an adult conversation about it and arrange for that to be the case next year can’t he? If one of my dc’s partners decided the day before not to come for Christmas Day and the only reason was that they fancied a day to themselves I’d be more than a little miffed, especially if they have a child together. I certainly wouldn’t make a big fuss about it but it would definitely alter my opinion of them, and not in a favourable way.

Not when he announces it the night before.

And this isn’t what he wants. He does not want to be with his wife and child. He wants them to go out while he stays behind

But he doesn't want a day "just the three of them". He wants to spend it on his own without his wife and child. If a women came on and said the same thing she'd get her arse handed to her.

I know a guy who runs a company with a big online warehouse. Business does not shut down for the holdays. He doesnt go to the pub with his mates and get plastered. He goes into work on Christmas Day, Boxing Day and New Years Day to "do business" having given all warehouse staff the day off. Work takes about an hour. Then he sits in a chair in the office, watches movies and chills with a cappuchino. He hates the family drama of kids under food, complaining elderly relatives and so on. His family think he is a really hard worker and a good providor (which he is) and imagine that all those hours in the office are spent slogging away. No one is going to disabuse them. Men like a little time to themselves too.

They do

Has he ever made noises about doing this or something similar before? If not I would be extremely suspicious

Yeah that’s weird. DH and I have agreed we’ll both have a ‘day off’ to ourselves over the Christmas break, but not actually Christmas Day!

That’s so sad though.

Imagine how his family would feel if they knew the truth?

And no doubt his wife is left at home doing all the grunt work whilst he puts his feet up?