Husband decided he’s not coming to my family’s for Christmas just because he wants a day to himself at home.

[Puggymummy19]

Aibu to make him come?!
he says he can’t be bothered with the chaos, kids and just wants to be alone at home.
he’s not depressed or anything like this just being anti social.
would you care?
to add we only live round the corner, I said please just come for the dinner at least but won’t even do that

I don't think you're unreasonable. If you're just around the corner he doesn't have to stay the whole time, but he should at least go for the meal even if he leaves early. Adults who aren't parents don't have to do things "just because it's Christmas, but he's a parent and your child enjoys family Christmas, so he should suck it up and attend for his child.

I said MY DAD was like this - and opted out of everything.
And MY DAD made everybody else uncomfortable.

I was talking about MY DAD.

And yeah. He WAS a bastard when he insisted on delaying my wedding by an hour because he wanted to watch some random football game instead of walking me down the aisle - while our guests wondered WTF was going on.

I’d call that bastard-material.

I gave the OP my best advice based on my experience - which I believe this was all about.
Merry Christmas and the broom you rode in on.

And you’re so keen to tie yourself in knots that he is somehow deserving of a day alone and must be struggling somehow and isn’t just a selfish arsehole. Why? Is it bc perhaps you recognise a bit of yourself in this man?

The OP doesn’t get to opt out of Christmas day with her dd, not would she want to I’m sure. Are you being deliberately obtuse, do you really not get why this isn’t ok and the OP doesn’t have to be fine with it?

I don’t think he particularly wants the day to himself more like the over crowded overwhelming Christmas you describe is not for him

So because he’s not single he should be forced to go? My kids don’t spend the full Christmas Day with their dad, it’s not the same me if the world.

Sure it doesn’t bother me to tell you (again) that I would do the same if I needed a day alone. I don’t understand why you think I’d care what you think of that?

its almost like you basically move to insults to control others behaviour

He has opted out at the last minute

his daughter will be upset

yes he should go as he is not single and his decision has impact

no body needs to force - he should have integrity and do what he says he will
do with his wife and child on Xmas day ffs

plus he has been catered for - so rude

@Puggymummy19 do you really have no inkling, at all, why he's decided not to attend?

Well, he just doesn't want to play happy families.
Not surprised.

Well you can't force him. As long as he won't try and make you not go or sulk and spoil your fun, it'll be good to just do what you like. If he does sulk and spoil your fun then consider ltb. 🤣

It's fine to want to do nothing but nobody should drag anyone else's mood down at Xmas.

I’d be disappointed in him for not wanting to spend Christmas with his child. I wouldn’t cover for him either.
Do you ever go to his parents for Xmas ? I’d definitely be saying I’m having a day to myself even if I had no intention of following through

I’d be disappointed in him for not wanting to spend Christmas with his child. I wouldn’t cover for him either.
Do you ever go to his parents for Xmas ? I’d definitely be saying I’m having a day to myself even if I had no intention of following through

I’d be disappointed in him for not wanting to spend Christmas with his child. I wouldn’t cover for him either.
Do you ever go to his parents for Xmas ? I’d definitely be saying I’m having a day to myself even if I had no intention of following through

I’d be disappointed in him for not wanting to spend Christmas with his child. I wouldn’t cover for him either.
Do you ever go to his parents for Xmas ? I’d definitely be saying I’m having a day to myself even if I had no intention of following through

I’d be disappointed in him for not wanting to spend Christmas with his child. I wouldn’t cover for him either.
Do you ever go to his parents for Xmas ? I’d definitely be saying I’m having a day to myself even if I had no intention of following through

But the DC did not choose to be an only child.
Why should she be miserable on one of the best days of the year because her dad doesn’t want to spend time with her, the woman he chose to marry or the extended family?

Its Xmas for 1 day of the year.
If they spent it at home then it would be no different to any other day at home.

When you have kids, you have to sometimes do things to make things fun for them.

Perhaps for once he wants to reject the expectations that are foisted on us as adults in the name of tradition. Maybe he’d like to have you and your child to himself to make your own traditions.

Just because a person won’t conform doesn’t automatically make them an awful person. I wouldn’t make a big deal of it but I would give some thought to next years plans and talk about them together once this one is out of the way. I find that when one side has a big family there’s the expectation that partners and children will also want to be with them.

Your family will have already bought food with a certain number of people in mind. It's not really on. He can be at home on Boxing Day.

How incredibly selfish to just announce this on Christmas Eve when plans have been made. I would not accept this at all. He chose to be married and chose to be a father. He chose to accept the plans and not object until now.

You are right in thinking this will cause upset. The decent thing to do would be for him to compromise and say look I really need sone time to myself would it be ok if we go round a little later than planned, I stay for lunch and then come home. That would be ok.

Flaking with no notice is basically saying fuck you to you, your DD and your extended family. I’d be very clear that I expect basic manners, communication and support from my partner as well as a willingness to compromise and that i would never look at him the same way again.

Why do you sound so angry? 😂 you can’t assume he’s a shit father because he’s not spending the day somewhere he doesn’t want to be. Op will be with family and he doesn’t want to go. I can understand if it was only the 3 of them and he’s saying he doesn’t want to spend Christmas with them but that isn’t the case. My kids haven’t spent a full Christmas Day with their dad, he’s there when they open presents and then we go to spend the day with family and he’s doesn’t want to join, I’ve never thought once about forcing him. In fact I come home to a spotless house at the end of the day. He’s certainly not a shit father because he hasn’t spent every second of Christmas with them.

I am assuming that your kids don’t live with their dad though so that’s obviously very different.

The selfish part is deciding this on Christmas eve. Op presumably has no food in to cook a Christmas dinner, all plans have been made, the hosts have included them in their planning/buying. If he wanted a day at home, it should have been raised when the plan was made. He should have said this weeks ago!

True, but he should have said something earlier than on xmas eve. Food etc would already have been bought with him factored in. I don't think he is being unreasonable to want a different kind of xmas but he is to be voicing this so close to the day - unless he has been trying to tell the OP this for a while and she was choosing not to listen..

Thats my point though everyone is assuming that you can’t do anything fun if there’s only three of you. There are plenty of only children that have amazing Christmas’ who spend it just with their parents. It doesn’t have to be miserable or replicate any other day of the year. I do think in this instance the DH is being very rude to pull out last minute. I suppose my main objection is to the attitude that if you’re not in a huge group you have a shit Christmas.

Totally agree! I'd be furious if my dh didnt want to spend xmas day with our kids! He is not a good dad if he is putting having a bit of time to himself over his child on xmas day.
I have a chronic condition but I still do what I need to do to ensure my kids keep the magic of christmas.