Husband decided he’s not coming to my family’s for Christmas just because he wants a day to himself at home.

[Puggymummy19]

Aibu to make him come?!
he says he can’t be bothered with the chaos, kids and just wants to be alone at home.
he’s not depressed or anything like this just being anti social.
would you care?
to add we only live round the corner, I said please just come for the dinner at least but won’t even do that

Loads of us "spend the day at someone else's house" for Christmas Day, isn't that what most people do? It's certainly what I did when I was little and what we did when my kids were small. Now ours is the house that other people spend the day in.

I wonder whether just leaving him to it will teach him not to be such a dickhead about this again? While you are spending Christmas day surrounded by family and your DD, she is playing with her cousins, you are chatting and having Christmas dinner, whats he going to be doing? Sitting on his own watching youtube? Is he just going to make his own lunch? His friends presumably will be with their families. The shops are closed. Leave him to it and spend the evening telling him about what a lovely time you had! I bet if he is an extrovert and doesn't mind the chaos usually, the reality is going to be a bit shit for him. And it will serve him right.

He very much IS. A shit father for not spending Christmas Day with his kid. 🤣 back at ya!

Why does the OP's feelings and wants and needs trump that of her husband?

Why can she not just see her extended family for an hour or two?

They only live around the corner.

I expect her DH is a bit fed up of seeing his wife's extended family - he wants a break on Christmas day! It's not a big ask to spend Christmas day with his wife and child, without her extended family in his face... In their house.

He just wants some peace. Not her family buzzing around him all day. In their house.

She can choose to stay with him for Christmas day in their home. Just him, her, and their daughter....

She's not. She is going to her extended family for the day - who live just around the corner.

Yep. The husband is not the selfish one here. It's just an excuse for people to man-bash.

If the genders were reversed, everyone would be saying 'you stay at home OP, fuck him, let him go to his family around the corner for the day. Have some peace.'

Mumsnet double standards at its finest. 😎

I'm not repeating myself any longer and am done on this thread. No-one's going to change my opinion, (that the OP is in the wrong!) so just stop trying.

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I would be a bit concerned about such a last minute change of plan - are you sure he is ok?

Well it’s not all about him is it? What about what you and your child want? Doesn’t that matter to him?

Do you ever go to his family at Christmas? It’s fine if he doesn’t want to bother with family (he won’t be spending Christmas with his own DD which is pretty low imo) as long as it’s reciprocal and you can have a nice day to yourself next time he visits family with DC.

People on MN can be very blasé about these types of things. ‘He’s an adult blah, blah, blah.’ Realistically, most adult men who have a good relationship with their partners and kids don’t fail to show up on Christmas Day. He may well be a ‘good guy’ but this only makes it more bizarre. I would be wondering if it is the start of either a mental health problem or an affair tbf.

so if a man doesn’t want to go to someone else’s house on Christmas Day then he’s a shit dad. Got it 👍

How old is your child @Puggymummy19 .
I think that's important.

It’s actually really rude of your husband to just decide with 15ish hours notice that actually he’s not going to go to something that was presumably arranged weeks ago.

That’s not how I read it. He doesn’t want the chaos of all the in-laws, the OP specifically said that. He does it every year and he’s had enough. He hasn’t said he doesn’t want a family of three Christmas, he just doesn’t want the chaos of spending it with the in-laws every year so wants to sit the lunch out. I’d be pissed off if I had to spend Christmas with the in-laws every year (and I like mine!).

Lol he really isn't

Just let him. Go and have a good day with your family and start to match his energy. This time next year life will probably be different, but much better.

Surely you would not want your partner (or any family member) to come to one of these mass family gatherings just out of duty, knowing they would hate every moment of it? I used to duck out of the infamous family christmas once I left the parental home. Yes I knew it upset my mother. I would not want someone there putting a damper on things if I knew they wanted to be elsewhere. You dont have to agree with other people's choices if they want private time. But you should respect them.

Because he doesn't want them to come back and spend the day with him. He wants to be on his own -as in alone. He's not asked them to come home or stay at home. He's also pulled out at the last minute which is really rude. Nobody would say any different to a women, she'd get annihilated here. It's MN.

Of course he can, but announcing it on the evening before is bang out of order when he presumably agreed earlier in the year. OP says he’s an extrovert so should be ok in the crowd (unlike my introvert DH who has volunteered to do a big family day with me next year, no press ganging, he will hate it but is doing it for me) There’s a child involved who O0 says will be upset to be without her df. And it’s going to be difficult for the Op to explain and embarrassing for her.

Christmas Day isn’t the day to decide you want a day to yourself, when you have kids.

I understand wanting to have some time on his own to relax, but he should come to the meal and then slope off for the afternoon perhaps?

At least someone is making him a dinner, some of us do everything, I’d love to have a relative who’d even bring a side dish!

Then he should have use his words to get that across to the OP before he agreed to go to her parents on Christmas Day shouldn’t he? Stop excusing his rudeness and selfishness. He can have his quiet Christmas next year.

nope. He’s a shit dad for not spending it with his kid, even if that means doing something he doesn’t really want to do. Hope that helps! 😊

this isn’t the original question as you very well know

We will agree to disagree

You don't want him sulking through the day, but on 26th, you should ask him what's going on.... Could he be holding back something so he doesn't spoil the day for everyone? Illness, financial worry perhaps?

If he won't share, then two questions worth asking yourself:

1 If you said that you didn't want to spend Christmas with his family, and have the day to yourself, how would he react?
2 If he simply wanted a quiet Christmas, why didn't he suggest that just the three of you spend the time at home?

Try to enjoy the day yourself regardless.

Yes we definitely will

He's fucking rude. But even worse would be he do what my cousin's husband did over the weekend- turn up late and not say a word to anyone