Husband decided he’s not coming to my family’s for Christmas just because he wants a day to himself at home.

[Puggymummy19]

Aibu to make him come?!
he says he can’t be bothered with the chaos, kids and just wants to be alone at home.
he’s not depressed or anything like this just being anti social.
would you care?
to add we only live round the corner, I said please just come for the dinner at least but won’t even do that

There’s nothing to indicate that this is the case. And we all generally have to do this from time to time.

And even if it was then he should have discussed this like an adult and come up with an alternative plan that both he and the OP could agree on weeks ago.

Waiting until the day before to say he wasn’t going to go is rude selfish and childish.

I don’t think it’s weird either but to choose Xmas day as the day to do it, is v selfish!

I have this with my other half (female). She is coming tomorrow to my brother's house with my two nieces, in laws, other children etc, but she has bunked off the past few years. She doesn't like the screaming and general energy of the day. I got pissy the first time, but now I just leave it up to her - I'll say she's ill or seeing a friend or something to get her out of it. She will generally tell me the day before, or even the morning last year leaving me to make up a she's got the flu excuse.

My suggestion - just go with it. If he is generally good and mucks in with everything the no reason to think anything off or that you should get a divorce or whatever. Some people just hate all the commotion and can't hide it, so if he's going to just go and sit in a corner and be miserable then leave him at home and tell them he is ill.

He's only got 1 child

My mistake.

His kid. The singular one. That he cba with parenting

i have a family member who does this. With a kind of ‘I’m just not that into it’ kind of shrug. It’s so obnoxious because it ignores the amount of effort everyone else puts into being part of a family, making kids happy, supporting older relatives etc. it’s deeply selfish and it would be a major mark against the person for me.

Let him stay at home. Perhaps next year you could do a family Christmas with just the three of you? Make your own traditions?

Some people are a bit hysterical on here. Ok, it’s not ideal. But OP only has one kid, and from the sound of it, the child isn’t very hard work: she’ll be playing with her cousins.

ideally he’d at least go for dinner, but maybe he’s just had enough peopling and finds the chaos of someone else’s family at Christmas too much.

my husband is an introvert and hates things like parties and weddings. He would force himself to go, but he was miserable. I told him to stop this nonsense and don’t drag himself to these things; only if it’s really important to me that he comes along would I tell him that I really need him there.

Christmas is just one day, and unless you are a really religious Christian, its really not that big a deal

It's 12 days. I celebrate until Epiphany. It's fun. I also think belittling a major celebration as 'only one day' and 'not that important in a (legally, constitutionally) Christian country is dangerous. The West is under seige and needs to hold onto it's Judaeo-Christian roots.

There's a lot of ballyhoo in this thread but your post really takes the biscuit! 😂

And you need to remind yourself that Christianity is a middle eastern religion that was largely imposed on the West.

We need to hang onto the Enlightenment - a truly Western achievement that heralded the free, secular and scientific world - not a load of stale, imported superstitions.

Can he have a couple of hours to chill at home and then join you later?

Why would I not assume there was equality in your relationship?

This is absolute eyewash.

Christmas is just one day, and unless you are a really religious Christian, its really not that big a deal

Quote
Agree

With any luck the expectatations/pressures/ will die out or look very different one day.

You could all forget it and there's would be no problem.

Hes the sensible one.

I fucking hate Xmas. Roll on Saturday.

This. I would just tell him to enjoy some peace and leave him be. And I wouldn't care what the rest of the family thought, I'd say he wants some peace.

F**k that.

I get wanting a day to yourself. I really do.
But Christmas Day is not the Day. Offer him another day to have for himself.

As a mother, I find i am consistently doing things I dont really want to do, but I do them for the good of the family. Why do men get to check out of family life? Imagine a mother saying she didn't want to spend Christmas with her partner and children. You'd be burned at the stake.

Drop the kids off after dinner to keep him company x

Have you asked him how he expects you to explain his absence when everyone asks?

Because your choices a) are to be honest and have everyone feel hurt that he doesn't want to be with them (and/or forever think that he's a weirdo) or b) lie to them. Both choices put you in a shitty position.

Also presumably his daughter wants her daddy there? Does he want to let her down as well as you and your family @Puggymummy19 ?

... and if he's always sociable and outgoing with them, they're not going to believe that somehow he'd rather be at home alone on Christmas Day. So they'll assume a huge row between you or something.
Again, putting you in a shitty position.

OP's husband is a sociable extravert. She has said so.

Exactly. Why the fuck did he get married and have children if he’d rather spend time at work, chilling, than with his family.

No one forced him to have a family. There are plenty of women that don’t want children or are happy with casual relationships. He could have had those kind of relationships, he didn’t need to get married. It’s totally selfish and shit.

As for the OP’s husband, I’m not a Christmas person at all. Nor do I believe families should be joined at the hip. But I wouldn’t think twice about sucking it up for half a day which is all the OP is asking for. He’s being rude and I think it’s embarrassing for OP. Her family may not say anything but they’ll secretly be very unimpressed. I know MN can be all about doing what you want, when you want but families and friends deserve better imho.

This is weird.

Yes, other people's family can be a bit much, all the jollity and fakery - he may just not be feeling it this year.

Is anything possibly wrong? Could he be unwell or worried about health, not feeling able to face the food either? My dad's illness began to be felt only when his legendary appetite and sociability plummeted.

Anything else a worry, maybe money problems?

Do you live quite near? You might 'suddenly realise I've left my niece's present at home' and have to pop back. See if he's in. See how he is.

If he's out, hadn't eaten etc, you have a conversation to do.

I'd try to step away from anger and resentment and start trying to discover what lies beneath.

Recommend you try to avoid asking 'WHY?' - it can read like an attack, being badgered.

Weird to decide this last minute when plans have bern made, seems a bit suss to me