Christmas at in laws and lack of allergy awareness

[Runnermumof2]

AIBU. We spend alternating years at family for Christmas. This year it is with In-laws. My youngest has severe allergies and carries Epipens. They haven't made any adjustments for his allergies and so far nearly everything hasn't been suitable for him or me to eat (I'm breastfeeding which they know) we've lived on bagels the last two days and I bought some chicken and rice yesterday as emergency back up which we've used up already . I'm kicking myself that I didn't stock up on more meals items (I've brought plenty of baby snacks that are suitable) We've already had one incident with crisps and are dealing with the face and neck arches at the minute. Then they were annoyed last night when I moved said crisps and peanuts onto a higher table away from his reach . There was a few under breath comments of 'i can't sit over there the tortillas are over here now'
I'm so nervous about Christmas day now. It doesn't help that when my MIL brought up the peanut allergy my partner told her it was totally fine and we "want him to have some exposure so his allergies don't get worse" which is true, but not particularly at Christmas in the middle of nowhere and quite some distance from a hospital.
Christmas dinner prep is underway today and I've been putting things aside, like plain pasta as everything seems to be getting cream and cheese and milks added to them and I'm worried I'll accidentally expose him . I don't really know what to do. They all know about his allergies and can physically see the effects of the accidental crisps incident, but don't seem to be bothered.
I feel like I'm letting my kids down :(
I also don't want to come across as 'difficult' constantly asking about what the food ingredients are and have been trying to sneak read the packets of anything that's bought in.
AIBU thinking that they would have been more considerate?

I get that it's restrictive for the others but it's really not that hard to make adjustments to keep you fed and safe.

Youngest Dd's boyfriend is allergic to a couple of types of nuts so we keep everything like stuffing and chocolate nut free (despite the fact he's an adult) and as dd1's bf is veggie, no-one gets goose fat potatoes or bacon with their sprouts. That's my choice.

Spending time with a coeliac friend has made me realise quite how important it is.

Hope your LO's skin settles down soon.

Your partner is an arsehole. Sorry, but he is. He is undermining you. Probably so he can make you out to be the bad guy. I'd be rethinking the relationship as I don't think he will advocate for your child and will be too likely to put them at risk, especially if he doesn't want to rock the boat.

Not sure if you just don't understand how breast milk works, but if you ingest it, so does your baby. If baby is allergic, mum can't have it either.

If you're breastfeeding and baby has allergies you need to avoid the same things they're allergic to, it can be transferred through breast milk!

You seem remarkably calm about your partner standing back and let all this happen?

Thank you. Yes partner has agreed that this will be last Christmas at ILs home. He is desperate to leave now also. We are packing today and leaving very early morning.
When I saw the uncovered opened blue cheeses sitting on top of the Soya yogurts I had bought for my son in the fridge this morning I near lost my sh*t.

My son was born with cows milk allergy. Would give him hives and constipation (nothing worse-but we didn’t know that at the time as swapped it out) I realised quickly who took it serious and who didn’t and had to be very alert around the people who didn’t. Some people think exposures helpful found myself explaining a lot that for a lot of people this is absolutely NOT the case and even if somebody can/is doing exposure it’s done in a VERY careful, planned out way x

Why not go today? If you're packing, go now. What are you waiting for? Why tomorrow?

Agreed. I'm still working on that. I'm hoping we can change it to today as well.

Take a slow, deep breath. This scaremongering doesn’t help anyone.
Apparently the OP’s DH had told them that they want him to be exposed to the peanut allergy, at least. You have no idea that the grandparents are being ‘arseholes’ and not rather unhelpful and confused because of the mixed messaging.
Surely it’s up to both parents to explain the situation and to ensure that the issues are understood and planned for, before the visit. If others don’t understand or comply, then leave.
If the child has an epi-pen, the parents will have been trained in its use. Lastly, not being local to a hospital does not mean that the family are bound to be ‘far away’ from medical care. Let’s hope it’s never needed, but actually ambulances and advanced paramedics are based at locations around the country away from hospitals, especially in rural areas.

What's to work on? DEMAND you leave today and threaten him that you'll hitchhike or something and end the relationship if you don't go today.

Your ILs sound totally naieve, like they think it’s just a small thing. Not potentially fatal. My kids are both intolerant to dairy but it will just give them an upset tummy, nothing really serious. I’ve found almost everyone I’ve dealt with very accommodating.

Think it's great that partner is now on board with leaving early, assume that some of his change of heart is the impact on you and your child. Is he going to address his previous comments with his parents about exposure as this is likely where the issues have arisen?

And you're minimizing the big risk here.

Dad told the parents to expose their kid, and they're not in a controlled environment. The grandparents don't seem to get the risk at all. Mom seems ineffectual at advocating for the safety of her child by stickig around after her kid's already been exposed.

The child has already had one exposure here and is in discomfort. The more exposures, the worse the reactions can get. He is at risk for anaphylaxis, that's why he has epi pens in the first place. If they are rural, epi is short acting. He would likely need multiple rounds depending on time to access emergency services. You ever done CPR in the back seat of a moving car?

And to be really blunt, if his airway closes, you can do compressions all you want but if you're circulating unoxygenated blood, brain cells start dying.

Thank goodness they are leaving.

Sounds like they picked up on your dh saying it was no problem and that you both wanted to expose him to potential allergy situations. They now think you’re exaggerating the situation and are running with your DHs version. I think probably a big discussion was needed prior to your visit to hash out the problems with your DCs allergies. Sounds like you visited on a wing and a prayer - assuming they were 100% aware, whilst they were getting two different versions of the issue.

When you have a child with allergies you have no choice but to be assertive. It doesn’t matter if they think you are difficult you have to put your child first. The allergies you mention are life and death. They need to take this seriously. I feel quite angry on your behalf. I don’t think I would have stayed.

Totally naive on the back of DHs comments, who also sounds naive, and he doesn’t have an excuse as presumably he has been getting the same information on the allergy danger as OP. ILs are depending on both parents singing from the same hymn sheet. Hardly surprising that they’re confused…

Just read your updates. So glad that you are leaving. Poor kid. Hope he is feeling better.

When DD was born and developed significant health issues we told DH's family that after years of travelling to them that they would have to travel if they wanted to see us as we wouldn't be travelling until DD's health had stabilised. They live in the middle of nowhere at some distance from a hospital, whereas we lived within half an hour of the excellent children's hospital.

They were desperate to see us and DD, so did all the travelling for a couple of years.

I'm glad your SIL has your back.

Why can't you eat Christmassy food because you are breastfeeding? That's very odd and surely bagels, chicken and rice is a lot worse than turkey, cauli cheese and roast spuds and Xmas pud esp as of little nutritional value? I breastfed both my DC. I ate very hot South Asian vegetarian food (cooked in clarified butter), Christmas food, Italian food, drank wine, ate cheese etc while doing so (and while pregnant - 125 mil wine a week, doctor suggested we open a bottle of champagne when pregnancy was confirmed!). Both DC are perfectly healthy adults in well-paid and responsible jobs though DD has slight hay fever, as I do (though I did not realise this until I stood under a lime in full bloom when I was 35 and ended with streaming eyes), and that's an inherited condition, after all. I carry the genetics for a cleft palette (born with one) and so did ex-H, so was more worried by that than by what I ate.
That said, ILs not very helpful not to cater for DC's allergies when an Epipen is needed - idiots rather than unkind, I think.

How do we know a baby is allergic to something if it's only being breastfed? It's deeply difficult to map from what the mother ate to a baby's reaction, which might have a completely different source to the one we think.

Late husband lactose intollerant. Exposure usually caused various stomach upsets, indigestion etc.Not life-threatening but unpleasant. People don't understand when it doesn't affect them.

IgE allergies to Peanut, Sesame, Egg and Dairy. It's been a real journey the last few months.
I definitely need a strict diet unfortunately anything I eat shows in him very quickly.
We have a specialist allergy consultant now

@Grammarnut can I suggest that you read the OP's updates ^^

@Runnermumof2 My daughter has nut and dairy allergies and used to have terrible eczema. Her skin has improved massively since I switched to washing all of our laundry with liquid soap flakes. It takes a couple of months to see an effect because it takes a while for the detergent to fully wash out, but it has changed our lives. I use DP Liquid Soap Flakes (from Amazon, sometimes see them in Tesco Extra or Waitrose). My 4 were all breastfed, but one still got all the allergies 🤷‍♀️

I've only read the first post so far and wanted to say that I totally understand the anxiety to begin with, I've been anxious for months about this as I'm on a very limited diet while I wait to find out what I reacted to

There is no excuse for the lack of thought or care from your family!

My parents have made a safe shelf for me, and the smallest drawer in the freezer is a safe drawer for me. They have a bowl of safe snacks on the table for me so that I feel included with the other snacks being on the table (mine are in a different type of bowl and all sealed so no risk).

When cooking they are triple checking everything they use with me first, doing things like washing hands and using clean silver foil on trays without me asking, have a dedicated chopping board for me

I'm an adult, I'm sure if it was a child that they would probably have just gone without any allergens themselves for the whole time just in case, and I'd do the same, because you don't know what a child is going to put in their mouth

So no, under no circumstances are you being unreasonable, but they definitely are! They don't even seem to be making a token gesture of trying!

I am sorry that you are in this situation, if family members didn't care enough to make it safe for me or my DC then I wouldn't be spending time there in future