Christmas at in laws and lack of allergy awareness

[Runnermumof2]

AIBU. We spend alternating years at family for Christmas. This year it is with In-laws. My youngest has severe allergies and carries Epipens. They haven't made any adjustments for his allergies and so far nearly everything hasn't been suitable for him or me to eat (I'm breastfeeding which they know) we've lived on bagels the last two days and I bought some chicken and rice yesterday as emergency back up which we've used up already . I'm kicking myself that I didn't stock up on more meals items (I've brought plenty of baby snacks that are suitable) We've already had one incident with crisps and are dealing with the face and neck arches at the minute. Then they were annoyed last night when I moved said crisps and peanuts onto a higher table away from his reach . There was a few under breath comments of 'i can't sit over there the tortillas are over here now'
I'm so nervous about Christmas day now. It doesn't help that when my MIL brought up the peanut allergy my partner told her it was totally fine and we "want him to have some exposure so his allergies don't get worse" which is true, but not particularly at Christmas in the middle of nowhere and quite some distance from a hospital.
Christmas dinner prep is underway today and I've been putting things aside, like plain pasta as everything seems to be getting cream and cheese and milks added to them and I'm worried I'll accidentally expose him . I don't really know what to do. They all know about his allergies and can physically see the effects of the accidental crisps incident, but don't seem to be bothered.
I feel like I'm letting my kids down :(
I also don't want to come across as 'difficult' constantly asking about what the food ingredients are and have been trying to sneak read the packets of anything that's bought in.
AIBU thinking that they would have been more considerate?

I would go home.

My mom uses an EpiPen and if we need to go somewhere serving food and they don’t take it seriously we don’t go. And if they don’t like it - they get told why.

If they don’t understand the seriousness of the use of an EpiPen then your child shouldn’t be around them.

I’m breastfeeding but there isn’t anything I don’t eat? I’d be going home if they aren’t taking your child’s allergies seriously, very unfair and stressful on you.

Tbh I'm wondering if your child would be safe in the sole care of your partner? What on earth is he waffling about re 'exposure'? Is there any danger he'd get it into his head to carry out this exposure? He's confused me and I've had ige allergies and asthma for 40+ years and have a child with a ige peanut allergy though not anaphylaxis, so I think he's scuppered any chance of the in-laws understanding how serious this is unless they actually see an anaphylactic reaction god forbid

If a child has allergies the mother needs to cut the allergens out of her diet . My son was desperately ill until his allergies were diagnosed (by blood tests in hospital) and I cut the allergens out of my diet

If she is breastfeeding a child with allergies then she needs to avoid eating them herself. They can pass through the milk and you can end up hospitalising your own child (as I learned to my cost when bf!)

Has the baby known allergies? If just milk that’s unknown.

RTFT
OP carries Epi-pens.

It amazes me that people like this exist, and wouldn’t take allergies seriously. Let alone for grandchildren they presumably love. Even if you thought it was a load of tosh surely you just humour the parents? It’s not like milk or peanuts are particularly hard to avoid is it? And everything is labelled these days. I’m sorry your family is so rubbish

It should amaze you so much more that the child's father does not take it seriously.

My daughter has 20 delayed nonIGE allergies and most of these were identified whilst I was breastfeeding. 1h after I had an egg sandwich she started screaming and continued for 2 days. When I was eating dairy and soya she could have up to 20 poos a day.
We tried the milk ladder at 17 months and a single crumb of a biscuit caused her to scream for 2 days.

She didn't have a severe allergy but she was still very sensitive. She's 5 now and only just able to start tolerating small amounts of foods in her diet.

This is awful. Do they actually understand it’s a life threatening condition. They aren’t even trying to accommodate the allergy at all. I know both my own mum and mil would bend over backwards to make sure we could eat what was on offer and not have some of those allergy foods out on offer either. Your DH def hasn’t helped the situation though by making out you were happy to expose baby to some of the allergies.
In future you need to bring your own food though, tell them in advance so they have room in the fridge.

Its so hard, my parents are generally pretty good but Christmas and tradition causes my parents to make safe food unsafe.

My daughter is allergic to onions and soya and it took ages to get my parents to not roast the Sunday lunch with onions and soy sauce in the roasting tin.

My mum brought round a crumble the other week and when asked if it was suitable for my daughter she said "yes, it's got the butter she can't have but the rest of it is fine". So got the reply so it's not safe you will have to take it home

I have a histamine intolerance which causes non-immune allergic reactions. I have had 3 anaphylactic reactions due to this, one of which my mum had to rush me to the hospital as the reaction went from moderate to severe as we drove home from the restaurant. Yet she still serves me prawns in a sauce that I react to every single Christmas for the last 15 years that I haven't been able to have it. This year we managed to get in during the planning stages to get a meal that was suitable for everyone without making a million different things. We had 9 for Christmas day which included - my daughter with 20 food allergies, my vegan sister, my dairy intolerant, meat free mother who has swallowing issues and can't tolerate a lot of foods, my other sister who struggles with fats since having her gallbladder removed and me who can only have fresh foods due to my histamine intolerance!

Why the fuck has your DP not stood up to them over this? It comes across like he doesn't give a shit about his own child, nor the fact that you and DC can't eat properly for nearly a week. The poor child's skin is itchy, irritated and inflamed due to cross contamination and no-one seems to give a fuck. How awful for the child.

I would be insisting to your DP that you leave today, no excuses. You need to put your foot down for the sake of your child's safety, and maybe long term think about the suitability of this wet blanket of a man to be a decent father to a child with severe allergies.

These items should not even be in the house in my opinion.
If a whole school can be allergy aware , then they can certainly be.
Do you they want to have to call an ambulance for a child ?
And as for the comments under their breath , do you feel brave enough to stand up and say that you don't want to have to phone for an ambulance or we scared that your child will have a serious reaction in their home?

if your child is anaphylactic to a food you often can’t eat it while breastfeeding because they can react to it. Please educate yourself if you’re going to offer an opinion and make sure it’s an informed one.

What possible relevance does some child’s dairy intolerance have to a baby with actual allergies requiring an EpiPen? One might get uncomfortable, possibly seriously uncomfortable, and one might die, it seems very lucky for your family member that they are the former given your total cluelessness. And your quote tells me all I need to know about La lèche league, it sounds like they might as well be Jehovah’s Witnesses in their level of scientific grounding.

I do hope you are on your way home to your own safe kitchen @Runnermumof2and will quietly point out to your partner what you and your dc have been through and how his response to his parents just wasn’t good enough and had he seen his little, utterly dependent on an adult, child’s face and his suffering.
I truly hope he is appalled by his own actions/inaction. 🥲

This post made my blood boil.
Your partner is a TWAT.
he sounds like he basically wanted to enjoy the day and the traditions of his parents cooking, and his child's dietary requirements (which can prove fatal) are last on his list.
Selfish twat. 😠 😡 😤

Would they only be happy when your child has a severe reaction? That way it will 'click' for them and they then realise how serious it is when he's in a bloody ambulance? 😭

I'm sorry but I'm so livid on your behalf. Having an allergen food near an allergic child, is like a ticking time bomb. No good can come of it.
You have a partner problem.
I would stay at home next year. If they want to visit you, then they can move their arses for Christmas 🎄
Or you may not even want to host them, (or even the partner) next year 🤔

Edited to say: I hope you enjoyed christmas despite all this. @Runnermumof2

What you quoted is bollocks. I had to cut out foods my baby was allergic to.

Incredibly selfish especially when they can see the effects on your son. It's not like you're being mean.

I'd not be going again until they get the message.

Your partner sounds clueless and unhelpful. If dad is saying fine to have I’d assume it was fine to give them he’s an equal parent to mum.
It will be easier if you do Christmas at home and do the catering.

Ds had non ige allergies to milk and soya (thankfully outgrown) and has fpies to peanuts . Family didn’t get it unfortunately so we brought food a lot. I never left it to them to sort food for me and ds. Now it’s just the nuts and he’s ended up in hospital last year so they get it better now (and I think peanut allergies deaths in the news scare them ) Thankfully a bit easier on us as allergies are non ige (although fpies can be life threatening )
Yes assume no one understands or are capable of reading a label. I found chain restaurants to be significantly better than i dependant ones too

As a celiac I just want to say; you have my sympathy.

It does if she is still breastfeeding the child with the allergies. She will need to cut any allergens out of her diet too

Wild nonsense from LLL but then they have always been more political than factual

My son had severe boiling eczema and horrendous colic and projectile vomiting when he was exclusively breastfed.

When his first spoonful of baby porridge touched his lips he had anaphylaxis. He was then diagnosed through blood tests with multiple allergies and I was told by a paediatric allergy specialist to cut the allergens out of my diet. He was a bouncing happy healthy baby with clear skin within a matter of weeks

With my second pregnancy I asked his world renowned allergy specialist what I should do about allergens in my diet when breastfeeding - he said to eat as normal and look for signs of eczema. As soon as she developed some eczema (within weeks) I cut all diary out of my diet and it cleared up

It's important op keeps the allergens out of her diet and away from her child. My son has had several severe reactions from skin contact alone