Christmas at in laws and lack of allergy awareness

[Runnermumof2]

AIBU. We spend alternating years at family for Christmas. This year it is with In-laws. My youngest has severe allergies and carries Epipens. They haven't made any adjustments for his allergies and so far nearly everything hasn't been suitable for him or me to eat (I'm breastfeeding which they know) we've lived on bagels the last two days and I bought some chicken and rice yesterday as emergency back up which we've used up already . I'm kicking myself that I didn't stock up on more meals items (I've brought plenty of baby snacks that are suitable) We've already had one incident with crisps and are dealing with the face and neck arches at the minute. Then they were annoyed last night when I moved said crisps and peanuts onto a higher table away from his reach . There was a few under breath comments of 'i can't sit over there the tortillas are over here now'
I'm so nervous about Christmas day now. It doesn't help that when my MIL brought up the peanut allergy my partner told her it was totally fine and we "want him to have some exposure so his allergies don't get worse" which is true, but not particularly at Christmas in the middle of nowhere and quite some distance from a hospital.
Christmas dinner prep is underway today and I've been putting things aside, like plain pasta as everything seems to be getting cream and cheese and milks added to them and I'm worried I'll accidentally expose him . I don't really know what to do. They all know about his allergies and can physically see the effects of the accidental crisps incident, but don't seem to be bothered.
I feel like I'm letting my kids down :(
I also don't want to come across as 'difficult' constantly asking about what the food ingredients are and have been trying to sneak read the packets of anything that's bought in.
AIBU thinking that they would have been more considerate?

With all due respect if you haven’t breastfed an allergic child, quoting LLL is irrelevant and even if you have, a child requiring an EpiPen is considered high risk. In addition, people are different and what one child reacts to through their mother’s milk, another might not. Also there is no where in the post that indicates her baby is having formula or cow’s milk.
I have breastfed three children for over seven years in total and one had allergies while the other two didn’t.
Theoretically my allergic child should not be allergic to the things I eat, but in reality he was. My GP apologised when the results came back at 6 months showing my child to be severely allergic to dairy and egg products.
Also, an intolerance is completely different to an allergy. My then allergic child would have his throat closing and eyes swelling requiring an EpiPen if he had a tiny bit of cheese while a dairy intolerant might have a tummy upset.
I am sorry op this is very tough. Hope you can find safe foods to eat and keep him away from trigger foods (which can be very difficult).

Is this for real?? This is how you think the families of children with severe allergies should behave - food peace and sort your own food out when you visit us. Seriously??? Did you miss the bit where they put out food that will - and did - trigger a reaction from their own grandson. Being kind to each other?? One side is trying to cause physical hurt to their grandson. the other side is trying to stop this.

I hosted a young adult who had severe allergies in my house (mum was a close friend). I managed to make sure he wasn't exposed. I didn't love him like I would a grandson. Like seriously what is wrong with people.

Stopped reading after a few replies.

We live with allergies and carry EpiPens - it’s a significant concern re the exposure comment. Did you mean via your milk or for your child to eat them?

We ask family not to put out nuts - the risk is too high, even with cross contamination. If they can’t do that for us then we don’t visit.

Life isn’t allergen free but in a family home we can do all we can to minimise risks - and allow our DD to relax and not worry. If family don’t care enough to avoid allergens we don’t care enough to visit.

Re breastfeeding. Don’t care what anyone says on this thread - exposure through breast milk is possible - DD was violently sick after I had cows milk and then fed her. And I mean violently sick!

I think given your DC’s young age and a number of varying allergies present it’s on you to bring and prepare their food.

I have allergies myself and wouldn’t hesitate to do this esp in a celebratory setting where I don’t expect everybody to adjust to my needs. It’s my problem not theirs.

@Runnermumof2 my son sounds very similar to your DS - allergies discovered during weaning, A&E and then EpiPen. Same allergies too. He’s 4.5 now so we’ve been living with allergies for almost 4 years. It’s hard and you have my sympathies.

Out of all my family, my 92 year old gran is the only person I fully trust to cook for him. She also has allergies and she saves any packets for me to double check (having already checked!) makes safe and inclusive foods, and is so aware of the little adjustments like separately prepping etc. She just gets it and I feel so much more relaxed there than anywhere else. It also isn’t a big deal, it’s just tiny little things that make the difference.

Everyone else in my family sort of treats it as too difficult, so I generally bring stuff myself and probably make a nuisance of myself in their kitchen. It isn’t as hard as some people make out, but when you’re not used to it, it’s so easy to just accidentally get the rolls with sesame seeds in, not check for the milk, not realise the ‘free from’ mince pies contain almonds etc etc

I definitely got the vibe from my MIL that she thought I was being ott but she’s since witnessed some reactions so does take it more seriously. I still do the cooking when we are together though.

This sounds really tough OP, sorry this is how your trip is turning out. My son had CMPA (although nowhere near as severe as your child's allergies) and my ILs just didn't get on board with it. Amongst many other things, they invited us for dinner on boxing day with two months notice and we said neither my son nor I (breastfeeding too) could eat the suggested meal. On Christmas Day they disclosed they were serving it anyway. No alternative was offered. I've never been sure if it was just a case of not believing in allergies, lack of understanding, opposition to breastfeeding (which they'd also commented on previously) or just wanting to do dinner their way. I think they thought I was just being difficult. I eventually found myself saying it's not that I can't eat it but if I do, it's harmful to DS and causes him a lot of pain. I hoped if they didn't care about me, they might be more concerned about their grandson. It's unbelievable to me any grandparent would risk a child's health.

It's no easy task managing allergies outside of your own home and I can't imagine how difficult it is with so many allergens. Your partner really needs to get on the same page and speak up. My husband would make excuses like "oh MIL just wants to cook for her family and doesn't know what to serve" - no, if she really wanted that she'd have asked for input. If your partner doesn't speak up (then that's another problem) you should and be blunt if that's what it takes, your son is your priority and it's really not worth the risk. My husband only really got on board when I started refusing to visit with him because it was easier than explaining why I wasn't there with him.

Here's hoping you have a lovely Christmas OP. Hopefully you'll find something safe and delicious to enjoy.

As an aside to respond to some comments on breastfeeding, my son would be violently sick and scream for hours after exposure to dairy through my breast milk.

I know it’s hard to hear OP but all of this is spot on. I have both been the child whose medical needs were sidelined so as not to make people uncomfortable, and am the parent of a child with severe allergies.

Over time you’ll be able to put things in place to help your child learn to keep themself safe (e.g. your snacks are in the green bowl) but they are way too young for that at the moment.

Your partner needs to stop people-pleasing for his family and start prioritising your child’s safety. You can’t do exposure therapy yourselves and as you’ve noted it’s not something you want to do far from help. Also, in many cases, each accidental exposure increases the severity of the next reaction.

I promise I know how hard it is but you need to stand up for your child, get your partner on board, and make them understand that the allergies are life-threatening and they need to take it seriously. You cannot afford to wait until something serious happens to have them believe it.

Sending massive hugs for this really difficult bit, and the years to come. I promise it gets easier.

It is not the dh. It is her partner. Does his need for food peace trump a child's allergies?

What planet are you on?

It is on her AND her partner.

OP isn’t being kind by simply mentioning her sons deadly allergies and trying to stash away food he can eat safely?

His dad doesn’t get to have food peace because his child has deadly allergies. I don’t see why you care so much for the feelings of poor begotten dad and grandparents but fuck mum and baby who aren’t being fed, cared for, thought of or even kept safe.

I would go home and stop going there for Christmas and I would be livid with my husband. I had exposure therapy as a child in a medical environment with something like 1 to thousands exposure and it worked, however my husbands shellfish allergy worsened over the years from rash and itchiness on eating to even the cooking steam of shellfish closed his throat and required hospital. Allergies can be very dangerous

Not even her husband, so then she REALLY needs to pack up and leave with her children.

He doesn't give a fuck. Wake up, OP.

I commented earlier in the thread. Would you believe my allergic child is 16 and I had just had to vito the Christmas pudding in his grandparents house. Not checked. Fierce still and irritated that I need to be cause no one else takes responsibility.

If you are catering you have to take responsibility.

The other guests will take it home to eat later.

Really difficult for people without allergies to cater for those with, no idea why you didn’t bring suitable food for them, as you would have had a stressful time checking they hadn’t missed anything.

Yes, catering for allergies can be difficult, @Skybluepinky - but I don’t think it is that difficult to understand that allergies are serious, or to try to cater for them, at least. I can’t understand why someone would not at least try to avoid using ingredients that will make their guest ill - perhaps very seriously ill.

If I was catering for someone with an allergy, and I wasn’t sure how best to do it, there is a wealth of information online, and I could simply ask the person themself.

This thread isn’t about someone who is doing their best to cater for their guest’s allergies (for the health of that guest and their breastfeeding baby) - it’s about someone who doesn’t seem to be willing to try to cater for @Runnermumof2, and seems very cavalier about her allergies and the effect that they can have on her and the baby, and about her dh who isn’t backing his wife up.

The child's own father is not concerned, never mind anyone else.

So in addition to doing all the prep for Christmas, buying gifts, packing, etc etc, OP also has to pre-cook multiple meals for herself and her child and find some way to take and store them safely in her in-laws' refrigerator (which is likely already full of whatever her in-laws have already bought)?

It's sometimes do-able but in a very limited way and frankly, yes, you DO need the cooperation of the host(ess).

I speak as someone whose husband insisted we spend every Christmas eve through the 28th at my in-laws, leaving me to bring coolers full of safe food for me and my allergy kid, and to hope it lasted through the visit. Including the year my FIL ATE the allergy-friendly dessert I had specially brought for my allergy kid. The whole thing. And then he ate the regular dessert too. And complained I shouldn't be upset because his Christmas happiness was very important. Not the happiness of the 2 year old. The happiness of the self-important 80 year old man who expected to be the center of everything.

Thanks everyone for your input. Some really good point made.
Just thought I'd drop in an update .

We have agreed that we won't be back for Christmas and will be leaving early. I'm hoping I can move it even earlier (tonight/tomorrow morning)but at least it something. We went out today to buy some things from the shop to get us by.
Christmas day was fine as meats and potatoes etc are safe. I did have a near miss with cabbage when I was told someone added butter to it. So I then skipped the veg , apart from the parsnips which I was told only had oil, no butter . I left the table before pudding and cheese and crackers.
Boxing day breakfast was eggs and salmon, so I had some salmon and another bagel 😆
'lunch' was cheeses and pate, so I skipped that and didn't joint the table.
His skin is pretty bad likely from cross contamination, red, itchy and bleeding 😭 I do keep bringing it up and noone seems to make any changes, other than telling me it has butter/milk/etc in it. Most things are prepped fresh, but anything packaged I've been checking.
It's been pretty inconsiderate all round if I'm honest .
Yes your right I give my partner too much leniency with this. We aren't married , but long term together. I don't really believe in marriage anymore , no other reason than that as to why we aren't married.
My SIL has been helpful in advocacy, she works in a school and knows the seriousness. She is also fed up and doesn't want to come back.

Also for those talking about endangerment. I absolutely understand your points. It's a difficult situation. I can't just get up and go as it's not accessible by public transport and the car is not my own, nor do I feel comfortable on the country roads here. It's about 6-7hr drive home. But would absolutely do so in an emergency. I am also fully child first aid trained and have emergency kits here. And would at the first sign of distress take action. We thankfully haven't had an anaphylaxis (yet) but are ready if this should every happen, which I pray it does not.

Thanks everyone for their advice and support. Helps me know that I'm making the right decisions on removing ourselves from events such as these when I don't have control.

I don't really believe in marriage anymore , no other reason than that as to why we aren't married.

Your choice if you do not believe in marriage but do you think you chose a good
man to father your child with? I find his lack of concern towards his own child rather abhorrent.

I hope you have a safe journey home and that your young child will be ok.

Yeah I don't think whether you're married or not is a core issue here. It's whether he is good enough to be any kind of partner and father.

When I visited my in-laws I always either cooked or supervised the cooking to ensure no cross-contamination. My in-laws were willing to modify food but with limitations in the sense that they weren't willing to forego things they saw as essential such as having mixed nuts on the table. So we basically took over the cooking when we went, but we cooked what they wanted us to cook - we just made minor modifications to make it safe, like subbing in safe "dairy-free spread" instead of butter. I also took a few backups that were shelf-stable, just in case.

I think in this case you are right that it's your partner who is the problem. Without his cooperation I'm not sure what you do. Even if you separated and ended the relationship, custody and visitation divisions would likely mean your child would visit his parents, but without your protective presence. I'm also worried that it's not your car. You need to be able to extricate you and your child from an unsafe situation without needing to ask permission.

@Runnermumof2 Unfirtunately your list of food needs sounds exhausting for a host and as others have said, you need to take control and oversee your food.

As for marriage, not believing in something that gives many women and children significant legal and financial protection isn’t sensible. I guess you would not want to marry the father of dc but it’s his car! Why don’t you have control of the car! It seems you are effectively separate people and not a couple, as you have differing views on parenting.

I agree with this!

My mum was like this with me for years and years. I barely ate near her! Then DD was 16 and gave it to her, all guns blazing "What are you doing grandma? Mum is allergic to this she can die! DIE do you not understand, its not silly or drama or fussy, she is allergic!" my mum was wide eyed and has been very careful and specific since - brilliant - thanks DD.

I feel your pain OP, having yet again had a discussion with my parents about checking labels. They bought my daughter with a peanut and tree nut allergy chocolates and then said oh we didn’t know if it was ok, can you check. And of course it wasn’t suitable so the poor child has been bought a gift she can’t eat and has to sit and watch her sister eating chocolates. My in laws also do things like this but with egg, which DD is also allergic to.

I think it’s incredibly unkind that your ILs haven’t made an effort to cater for your child, and your DH needs to give his head a wobble telling them it’s ok. Equally I recommend you always have a decent stash of safe foods to take with you to all places. I find it easier to deal with when I’m prepared for these kind of eventualities