Am I being cold hearted?

[Isthispositive15]

My DH family is very small and 5 years ago we lost his beloved grandfather close to Christmas, his funeral was the 22nd and since then Christmas has been cancelled. No one in his family celebrates it anymore, no tree goes up, no Christmas meal or any festivies from before and the mood is very sad and depressing. We have a 10 year old and I hate going to visit on Christmas day as it's so emotionally draining. Are we never going to have a Christmas again?
After 5 years, do you think it's time to start getting back to normal or am I being cold hearted and harsh and should respect this new normal?

Goodness, I’m not big on festivities but that sounds depressing! Stay at home and enjoy with your child.

I wouldn't take my child. Fair enough if they don't want to go back to actually celebrating Christmas, but you and your child do

Explain that this year you will visit a couple of days after the celebrations are done and you can all mark grandfather together then

And let dh do as he pleases...if he wants to still go Christmas day, then fine but if he also now feels its time to do something different then great

People handle grief in different ways and their choices should be respected really. That said, you are also entitled to make your own choices and do Christmas exactly how you want it. Either join them or politely leave them to it and celebrate your way

As harsh as it sounds, the world shouldn't stop because somebody dies, the living are entitled to have joy and celebrations in their life.
I would refuse to participate in this tbh, stay home and enjoy Christmas with your child. They're going to be a very messed up adult if they start to believe this is normal.

Yeah, time to put your d10yr old first, this is not a healthy environment for them

I think you owe it to your DC to celebrate Christmas properly. If your DH wants to go and mourn with his family, let him. You and your DC should do the full works. Do you have any family you can visit? You and your DC could go out and book a festive lunch in a pub or restaurant. Invite friends over.
5 years is long enough for you and your DC to gave a depressing time. Do it alone if you have to.

I think given you have a young child, no it isn’t. I can understand losing someone is painful, and the first couple of Christmases are weird. There’s an empty chair or there’s a memory that’s painful. But with time you start to revel in those memories, I always have a particular drink that reminds me of someone I’ve lost at Christmas and that’s my new tradition and my form of remembrance to their memory. They wouldn’t want me to be trapped in misery any more than I want to be.

Im sorry but that is ridiculous. Grandparents die. Its terribly sad, but to cancel Christmas for ever more, especially when there are young children in the family, is performative grief unfair. I would not be taking my child.

Not really sure what the point is of going round if they aren't celebrating... do you all sit in black, silent.

Would grandfather want this Christmas mourning 5 years later?

I'd stay home. Tell DH he can pop round if he wants. Send a message that if they want to pop round for a sherry/snowball they'd be really welcome.

I think the general consensus for most people however sad or close the death is, if there’s children involved, then the show must go on. So I think most people would put up Xmas decs the following year even if it’s only for the children. Ok Xmas may be a little more subdued the following year, but five years later, no.

In my mind, the passing of the GF and its associated grief is being prioritised to the detriment of your son. And five years is too long to have done that already
It doesn’t mean they shouldn’t grieve or mark the occasion but it absolutely shouldn’t mean your child gets no proper Christmas

If GF was as lovely as he sounds, he definitely wouldn’t want that

I am a bit (ok a lot) cold hearted. That's ridiculous. If she was your partner's grandmother she must have had a decent life span. Plus have are all the other grandparents still around, was Christmas cancelled because of them dying?
What would happen if one of them had died on your child's birthday...that's in Johnny no more birthday. Great great grandad Fred was only 104 and...

I am being harsh but you need to talk to your dh and next year have a small Christmas with just the 3 of you. It's emotionally dangerous for your son that he's not able to enjoy Christmas while everyone else can... how will he view Christmas when he himself is a father?

I’m guessing the grandfather led a long a happy life! So surely it’s Christmas as usual and raise a glass to his memory.

I wanted to say that but wasn't brave enough!

Do you not celebrate it in your house either? No tree in your home?

Stay at home, decorate, celebrate, have a lovely day for your child.

This. I opened a bag of salted peanuts last night as it's what I enjoyed with my mum when she was here (until she started moaning that they gave her the shits). I still enjoy traditions that I enjoyed with my own grandparents and they've been dead for 20 odd years. Keep the memories alive.

That’s awful!
My mum died last week, quite suddenly, but I still have decorations up and wouldn’t expect everyone else to cancel Xmas.
If that’s the way they want it, fine, they can not have Xmas, but they can’t expect you to visit on Xmas day then. Visit them after new year. You have your Xmas for your child.

So since your son was 5 you’ve taken him to a house that doesn’t celebrate! What do you do round there?

fair enough they want to make Christmas a grieving period if if their thing, but you absolutely do not have to be involved in it, most people would stay well away.

I do think it's quite selfish to impose such a ban on Christmas when there are young children in the family. As devastated as you can be, you suck it up for the Children and make it as joyful as you possibly can, for them at least.

Do you still celebrate Christmas in your home? Or have you not had a tree or decorations or anything for five years?

Would grandfather want this Christmas mourning 5 years later?

This is my thinking too. You describe him as beloved, which suggests that he was a kind, loving person.

I would feel devastated to think that, after I'd had my time and I'd gone, younger generations in the family - especially children - would feel they had to stop enjoying what should be really special parts of their own lives, in my name.

The year it happened, I completely understand; and yes, the following year might be a bit more muted than normal... but after that?

Without wanting to sound harsh, I think it's actually disrespectful to the memory of a lovely old man, who I'm sure would not want his legacy to his family to be misery and gloom where there should be laughter and joy. Presumably there were plenty of joyful Christmases that you all shared together when Grandad was still with you? Would he really want that to now all come to an end forever for his loved ones whom he has left behind?

I don't think it's cold hearted at all. I wouldn't have celebrated the immediate Xmas after his passing obviously as a couple of days is too soon but the next one , even if I didn't really feel like it I would have plastered on a smile and faked it. And if my relatives had expected me to go for the day with a young child but no celebrations I would have refused.

Do you have to go visit? I mean, if they're not celebrating Christmas then can't you just visit early in the new year instead?

Also it isn't clear, do you celebrate Christmas in your home?

@Gingercar I'm so sorry for your loss, what a huge shock 💐