Am I being cold hearted?

[Isthispositive15]

My DH family is very small and 5 years ago we lost his beloved grandfather close to Christmas, his funeral was the 22nd and since then Christmas has been cancelled. No one in his family celebrates it anymore, no tree goes up, no Christmas meal or any festivies from before and the mood is very sad and depressing. We have a 10 year old and I hate going to visit on Christmas day as it's so emotionally draining. Are we never going to have a Christmas again?
After 5 years, do you think it's time to start getting back to normal or am I being cold hearted and harsh and should respect this new normal?

My DH died in the September and I still "did" Xmas 3 months later because I had small DC. You do you lovely. - let them do them

This

DH has a fair point about visiting both families, but if they don't want to mark Christmas what's the loss if you're not there on the actual day?

Unless they're heavily into performative grief of course, in which case I'd still go but maybe on the 26th/27th/whatever

If it's just your PIL and a couple of elderly aunts then maybe they just don't want the hassle of "doing Christmas", which I kind of understand. If they really have cancelled it because an elderly grandfather died 5 years ago, then that's excessive and not healthy. At least they buy your kids presents though, and it is your DH's parents so they deserve to see the grandkids at Christmas.

My lovely mum died at Christmas 12yrs ago, 3 weeks after the birth of my first grandchild, her great grandchild, we were all so very sad but put on a brave face and celebrated because my mum loved Christmas and would want us all to be together and have fun, it was difficult to begin with and Christmas is an emotional time for my family but being together and keeping family traditions makes it all the more important, time to show your little boy some Christmas joy ❤️

Im from a small family (no cousins) My beloved grandad died suddenly and unexpectedly on the 21st Dec... we celebrated that Christmas. He'd have been heartbroken if he thought his children and grandchildren werent able to celebrate in his memory.

YABNU

Yes, this entirely.

Absolutely nobody is remotely suggesting that you should just forget him; but surely you remember all the good times in his life that you shared together with fondness and happiness, rather than wallow in permanent misery about the fact that his wonderful, happy, full, hopefully-long time alive has now drawn to a close, as it was always going to at some point.

Your DH is being unreasonable. If they don’t celebrate it, why does it matter if you see them that day or not? I’d be thinking of my child in all this.

If you want to visit his family on Christmas Day (although you shouldn't have to and your DH is bonkers for suggesting it if they don't even celebrate), go first. "Oh no, sorry we're late, and sorry we have to be at my family's by X o clock so we can only stay an hour! Ah well. Bye!". Then over to your family so your DC gets a lovely Christmas day.

Absolutely. I am sure the GF would have wanted his family to enjoy life and make the most of every moment, and not just wallow. It's all very morbid. Life is for living!

They can't have it both ways. If it's just a normal day that they don't celebrate then you don't need to visit them do you?

They can't and shouldn't be trying to basically control Xmas day and make sure it's not celebrated or enjoyed by anyone.

They're welcome to opt out but they are the ones outside of the norm.

I can't imagine your dear granddad would have wanted Christmas and holiday festivities cancelled permanently just because he happened to pass away in late December.

Stay at home. It's extremely selfish of them to expect you to deprive your child of Christmas.

Edit: That is if they do expect you to visit.

I don’t understand his logic - if they’re not celebrating Xmas why does it matter if they see you on the day?

Think about your poor child. No normal Xmas for half his lifetime so far. Has he missed out on the Xmas Eve fun too?
Grandparents die, it's sad but it's part of life; but yours & dc life has to carry on. We lost dfil on our ds birthday. We remember him on the day but ds birthday comes first.

Given that your DH’s family have seemingly given up celebrating Christmas, why would they actually want/need him to visit on Christmas Day? It sounds as they’d probably rather be left alone, to be honest!

FWIW my FIL died a few years ago on 18 December and DP’s family still celebrate Christmas every year. Including the year he actually died.

You are not cold hearted. Old people die. Life carries on. Does anyone think DGP would want Christmas cancelled, and for DGGC to have a miserable time?

i Christmas isn't celebrated, why would you visit?

Yes my mil especially can be. She puts on a performance, for example for her birthday my DH will buy her a card with a nice poem in it and she will cry. Every time. Sob.

Before his passing they loved Christmas, tree was up, did a proper Christmas meal, it was lovely. Since then it's been cancelled.

Ive just said I'm going to my parents tomorrow to celebrate Christmas and since his family don't, I'll see them on the 27th. Did not go down well.

But his family aren't celebrating Christmas are they! I wouldn't allow him to guilt trip you any further.

How much longer can they drag this out?

I never understand this (and I have been poleaxed by enough grief in my time.) Life is too bloody short and the death of someone beloved should make us more determined to celebrate our lives. I'm not saying this happens immediately, but after 5 years that's wallowing and abnormal. I might also say selfish and insensitive to your child too. No matter how devastated I've been by the death of my family and friends - I've always held the happiness of my son higher than my sadness wherever possible.

So most of your poor child’s living memory has consisted of no Christmas? The poor thing

Ive just said I'm going to my parents tomorrow to celebrate Christmas and since his family don't, I'll see them on the 27th. Did not go down well

Tough. Tell him they don't celebrate it so it doesn't matter when you go and he can go if he wants but you and the bairn are staying where Christmas is.

He does realise by going after a fun half of Christmas his not only been ruining his child’s day but also showing his child that, that grandparents house is a miserable house.

5 years worth of miserable Christmas at grannies on that side. Cant believe either of you let it go on so long tbh.

That sounds peculiar. Years ago we lost my mum in her early 50s two months before Xmas and managed to scrape together some semblance of a Christmas for my niece who was only 6 at the time, despite us being all devastated. I could understand if it was the loss of a child but we all lose our parents and some point and to cancel Xmas completely when there are young kids in the family seems very joyless.

Tell him he can go if he wants at the same time you and your DC go to your parents' house.

i think that’s quite depressing to expect everyone else to grieve in the same way @Isthispositive15 and honestly I don’t think you are being cold hearted at all

if his funeral was the 22nd it sounds like he passed late November Early December unless it was a rush funeral due to Covid pressure?

anyhow if they choose not to grieve that’s on them but perhaps maybe you just have to put your foot down and say “ so sorry but we aren’t going to be able to visit on Christmas anymore as it’s having a negative effect on DCs enjoyment of Christmas. He’s a child and shouldn’t have to spend his Christmas like this”