Am I being cold hearted?

[Isthispositive15]

My DH family is very small and 5 years ago we lost his beloved grandfather close to Christmas, his funeral was the 22nd and since then Christmas has been cancelled. No one in his family celebrates it anymore, no tree goes up, no Christmas meal or any festivies from before and the mood is very sad and depressing. We have a 10 year old and I hate going to visit on Christmas day as it's so emotionally draining. Are we never going to have a Christmas again?
After 5 years, do you think it's time to start getting back to normal or am I being cold hearted and harsh and should respect this new normal?

This, I sincerely hope that your dh doesn’t force this miserable Christmas on you at home !

I could understand this a bit better if a child had been lost just before Christmas, but this was a grandparent. It’s sad, but that is the natural order. It’s absolutely not fair on your granddaughter to not have childhood Christmas because her dad lost a grandparent. And also completely unreasonable of them to have not moved forward since this.

Its probably more a question of effort. You get older, you have made an effort for a lifetime to jolly up Xmas for everyone. & now, well who will look at the tree every evening ?
Maybe people should offer help to get a small tree/wreath/other
I had a flash by thought this year, “why bother.?” (My kids are grown & one is working away) but Dd came & decorated with me
I donlove it once the decs are all up !

I am as Scrooge-like as it gets, but even I think a 10 year old child should be allowed to enjoy Christmas! Just have Christmas day in your own home next year, OP.

That's extreme behaviour. If they don't celebrate Christmas, what's the point in visiting them on Christmas day?

Do you have Christmas at home with Decs, etc?

I read that first line as .....my DH is very small ...I thought what has that to do with anything 😳
But please for sake of your child celebrate the festivities ...poor child will hate Christmas every year if you don't turn this around!

I don’t agree with their choice but it’s up to them so I’d go along with it.
I would absolutely bring my child and just explain that they do Christmas differently as do many others.
That’s a better lesson for a child to learn than cutting them off.
Children are resilient especially if you help them understand.

I would refuse to go and have christmas at home, you need to for your childs sake. Its sad but 5 years? DH lost his mum 2 days after christmas last year and we are still making the effort this year!

That’s fine if they want to do that, but why go if they’re not celebrating Christmas anyway? I wouldn’t let my child miss having an actual Christmas just to go visit people.

You can't influence what they do. But you can have your own lovely family Christmas. If they aren't even celebrating, why visit on Christmas day? Tell your DH you are having Christmas at home from now on and will visit them a different day.

That’s ridiculous. My very elderly dad is currently in hospital - he was actively dying last Saturday due to an infection. He seems to have rallied a bit now, but I still have all the decorations etc up for my kids and Santa will be coming tomorrow, and my extended family will get together.

Why go round on Christmas Day at all if they're not celebrating it? It's not as if it's particularly a day that should be set aside for remembering their grandfather, given that it is neither the day he died nor the day of his funeral. If they don't want to celebrate it, fine, but that is no reason why your son should have a miserable day.

Have you tried a conversation with your DH and others about whether his grandfather would actually want this?

I lost my son to suicide on Christmas Day 5 years ago and even I think they're being ridiculous!

Personally, I don't put a tree/decorations up but I don't have visitors either, I'd probably have a small tree if I did.

My grandchildren (all teens and 20s) understand why I don't have a tree etc but we still have a Christmas, presents etc at my middle DDs place.

If I need a "moment" and belive me there's a few I go outside for a few minutes, back in, join in and save the tears for when I'm at home myself.

My grief doesn't stop because it's Christmas but I'm not going to expect everyone else to grieve the same as me.

If I were you I'd be staying home with your son, give him the Christmas and memories he should have!

If they’re not celebrating Xmas then there’s no need for you to visit then. It’s just another day to them.

I would ask my DH if he should talk to them in the autumn next year to gently suggest their mourning has gone on long enough or maybe just ask if they aren’t marking Christmas in any way because they’ve realised they really can’t be arsed with it

@Politicians247UnderwearExtinguishingService
Without wanting to sound harsh, I think it's actually disrespectful to the memory of a lovely old man, who I'm sure would not want his legacy to his family to be misery and gloom where there should be laughter and joy.

I completely agree with this. If my family ruined Christmas for small children by conspicuously grieving his death for years on end, I genuinely think my grandad would come back and haunt us. He'd be appalled!

Did your DH Grandfather celebrate Christmas? If he did, ask your DH if he honestly thinks this is what Grandfather would want five years on….. FIL died a week before Christmas and his funeral was held between Christmas and New Year, we have a toast for FIL on Christmas Day and MIL will share some memories of Christmas past, this is plenty to remember him.

If your DH wishes to continue with the current arrangements can you and DC go somewhere else? What about your family? Could you have your own Christmas at home? Someone needs to bring and to this tradition.

No. They are being cold hearted OP, towards your DS.

That’s ridiculous. And they can’t have it both ways, they can’t decide that Christmas is cancelled and that they’re going to spend the day wallowing instead but also have other people (who have young kids!!) feel obligated to spend the day with them. If they really want Christmas to be cancelled, they can have a normal day and let those who want to celebrate spend the day another way! It all sounds a bit attention seeking.

Why are you going on Christmas day if they don’t celebrate it? What does this visit look like? I couldn’t be putting up with that.

YANBU. I agree with the others who have said while it's sad, elderly people die and that's the natural order of things. We lost my grandmother just before Christmas a few years ago, neither DH or I have any grandparents still alive now, but life goes on. Remember the good times and move on and make happy memories with your loved ones.

You mean your bairn hasn't had a Christmas since he was 5? They're little for such a short time. Why do you go over Christmas day if it's just a normal day for them?

Stay at home. Your bloke can go over and grieve if he wants. Don't do it to your bairn anymore.

If they dont want to celebrate then accept that but dont visit on Christmas day for you, dh and your childs sake as well as theirs.

I would do something with them on the 22nd to mark Grandad passing, light a candle or say a prayer if appropriate. Have a chat about him.

I think it is unusual after 5 years, are they ok otherwise?

Put your child first. He does not need to be around this type of draining, unhealthy atmosphere.

It seems they are stuck into performative grieving and frankly it is unlikely the deceased grandfather would have wanted his family to behave in this way and make everyone miserable...instead they should be celebrating both Christmas and his life.

You've put your child through this for bloody years.

Please tell me you have a tree etc at home?

For goodness sake @Isthispositive15 give your child a Christmas they deserve

Sounds shit. Don't go.
Seriously. Why would you go there for that?