Am I being cold hearted?

[Isthispositive15]

My DH family is very small and 5 years ago we lost his beloved grandfather close to Christmas, his funeral was the 22nd and since then Christmas has been cancelled. No one in his family celebrates it anymore, no tree goes up, no Christmas meal or any festivies from before and the mood is very sad and depressing. We have a 10 year old and I hate going to visit on Christmas day as it's so emotionally draining. Are we never going to have a Christmas again?
After 5 years, do you think it's time to start getting back to normal or am I being cold hearted and harsh and should respect this new normal?

And yes, your poor son...give him a jolly Christmas.

Totally agree. Grief should be personal and shouldn’t affect everyone around you for five years,

Affecting a child for five years at Christmas is selfish. People are absolutely allowed to grieve but this is too much.

Let them
Let them
Let them
Let them do whatever they wish
If they want to wallow in grief - let them
If they dont want to celebrate - Let them

Dont let them dictate your actions.

If they want you to visit them to witness their grief - "our day is going to be spent at home with our family this year, celebrating Christmas with our DC, we will see you another day."

Dear old fella - i'm sure he doesnt want every Christmas to be spent in tears and sorrow, creating new memories is a much better legacy.

So your kid can never have Xmas because Great Grandpa died?

That's awful. People don't live forever, meanwhile your kid doesn't get to celebrate major holidays.

Give the ancestors their due and carry on with life instead of letting the death of an old man run your life.

Sorry I voted YABU by mistake your child derserves to have a festive Christmas like all other children so you’re not being coldhearted at all

This is barking mad, to visit a house where Christmas is not happening at all!
If that family wants to opt out that's their look out, but surely any visit, if visit there must be, should be on Granddad’s anniversary, not on a day which has been blacked out of the calendar.
I’m astonished you've agreed to abide by this selfish nonsense all this time, and above all to embroil a child in it too. Don’t go ever again.
You never signed away your right to celebrate Christmas!

This is totally unfair and unreasonable to be expected to still be mourning someone (assuming they were elderly and died of natural causes) after 5 years.
Its just not normal
People pass away all the time, its a fact of life.
You need to put your foot down, your child deserves more than this annual grief-fest

I just wondering why if Christmas is not celebrated , why is there an expectation for you to visit Christmas day ? It seems a bit of a contradiction , no we dont want to / cannot enjoy Christmas anymore but still want to have family around because it's 'christmas'. How does your child feel? I would think this could be quite impactful on small child an an emotional and psychological where most other children are excited and they are having to spend this day in suspended mourning

Why would you never have Christmas? Can’t you do your own Christmas without the in laws?

It sounds like Narnia in real life: always winter but never Christmas.

What’s the point in visiting them on Christmas Day if they don’t do Christmas? Visit them at another point and enjoy your Christmas for your kid’s sake.

If they don’t celebrate then there’s no reason to see them on the day! Just say you’re celebrating Xmas and you’ll see them another time.

We absolutely have a tree and decorations, presents and we visit Santa and do all the usual Christmas celebrations. We visit my family who go all out on Christmas day but we have to then visit my in-laws and that brings the whole atmosphere down. My DH says it's not fair to visit my family on Christmas day and not his. His gran died as well years before so it's only his mum/dad and two sets of elderly aunts/uncles. We just go round and sit with the TV on for a couple of hours. They do get my DC a present but that's it.

Could you visit his parents first then have your family to look forward to?

yanbu, that’s so miserable and if that’s what they want to do they can get on with it. But you also shouldn’t be taking your kids over and sitting there in such a depressing place.

Very good suggestion. They can’t have it both ways. They can’t expect the Christmas visit, but make everyone sit there looking at their sad faces.

Oh that’s shit, it’s like they’re sitting around waiting for their own deaths !

life and Christmas is for living. If my own DH died I’d still celebrate Christmas with grandchildren, they deserve to have the christmases your OWN DH grew up with.

its monumentally selfish and self indulgent not to do that for your grandchildren when you’ve benefitted from it

say that to your DH (and the in laws)

So it's your DH's grandfather that died five years ago so I'm assuming he would be pretty elderly. Not to celebrate Christmas any more five years later is very odd indeed. I could understand not getting over the death of a child, but this was an elderly man.This sounds like performative grief and I wouldn't want any part of it.

I certainly wouldn't visit on Christmas Day with your child if they are still mourning the death of the grandfather and not celebrating Christmas in any way.

Crikey that’s grim.

Would grandad really want everyone to remain in a state of mourning rather than enjoying life?!

I absolutely wouldn’t be visiting over Christmas, they can see you a week before or after!

Just get him to visit on his own , my in-laws , only MIL now , stopped putting up any decorations after their sons moved out , they didn’t reinstate the decorations when the GC came along so we don’t visit on Christmas Day as a family my husband goes on his own before we go to my family in the afternoon . No deaths involved here they are just miserable .

Its not about fair. Its about creating a beautiful peaceful celebration for you and your DC, if he wants to go visit his family given their bleak outlook then let him, but I'd be putting a line in the sand, I'd also wager your DC doesn't enjoy the visit on Christmas day given the choice, and you for sure dont want to visit them. Offer the alternative of going to visit another day over the holiday.

But if all they do is sit and wallow, id question why the visit at all. They dont seem to enjoy it, your DC dont. Let him go on his own

Have they always been a bit odd? This prolonged period of grief for an elderly man sounds like something from the Victorian age. Queen Victoria mourned her husband and wore black for forty years after his death.

What were your in-laws like before the death of the grandfather?

I don’t get your dh’s argument of it would be unfair to not visit them on Christmas when you visit yours.

One family celebrates Christmas and one doesn’t. The family who celebrates Christmas gets priority on Christmas. Same as any other holiday the ones who actually celebrate get priority over those who treat it as just another day.

Id stop going. He can go if he wants.

My DH says it's not fair to visit my family on Christmas day and not his.

His parents don't celebrate Xmas.

Would you go visit Buddhist or Muslim family members on Xmas day?

No, because the holiday means nothing to them. Just like it means nothing to your inlaws other than Grandpa's dead.

I may be harsh but I would have lost it by now and would have said something. I couldn't cope with that!