Am I being cold hearted?

[Isthispositive15]

My DH family is very small and 5 years ago we lost his beloved grandfather close to Christmas, his funeral was the 22nd and since then Christmas has been cancelled. No one in his family celebrates it anymore, no tree goes up, no Christmas meal or any festivies from before and the mood is very sad and depressing. We have a 10 year old and I hate going to visit on Christmas day as it's so emotionally draining. Are we never going to have a Christmas again?
After 5 years, do you think it's time to start getting back to normal or am I being cold hearted and harsh and should respect this new normal?

5 years on this should not be the case anymore. Life and celebrations are for the living, not for the dead and there is only so long that life can be on hold for.

I also feel it is unfair for children to be expected to sit in grief this way.

YANBU

The grandfather wouldn’t have wanted this surely.

They can do what they like really but I wouldn’t subject my 10 year old DS to this, it’s ridiculous

And of his family aren’t celebrating then you definitely don’t need to visit on Christmas Day. Your DH needs to talk some sense into them.

Are there not other family you could go to at Christmas? Why do you go to DHs family? I mean I don't think you can MAKE DHs family celebrate Christmas, but surely if they don't they don't need you there to celebrate with, so can't you do something else?

If they don’t celebrate Christmas then why are you expected to visit over Christmas?

Your children should be able to enjoy this as should you. Your MIL needs counselling.

I wouldn’t be going if I were in your shoes.

What does your DH have to say about this?

How did that work out?

I think it’s totally unreasonable of them to expect you to visit to celebrate an occasion they don’t actually participate in. You dh should do better and think of their child first! How awful for the last five years to be thrust into that environment. I get family first, but there are limits and it would be one for me!

Tbh I’d put the child first. You want to make memories while he’s still little. Do Christmas Day at your house and visit the GPs on a different day.

They can choose not to celebrate if they wish, although I don’t think it’s cold hearted to think that after five years they should be back to some semblance of normality. My mum died ten months ago and obviously it hurts badly and will for a long time, probably forever, but I know she wouldn’t want us to live some lesser life, sad and depressed all the time, especially when there are kids involved. Is your OH insistent on visiting? If he’s not then I think it’s fine to spend Christmas however you wish. If he’s does want to visit then maybe just a short visit so you can have lunch/dinner in your own home or wherever you want to.

I’d be swerving that. They are welcome to stay miserable til the end of times but it’s not fair to impose it on others, especially if there are children involved.

I absolutely appreciate we all grieve in different ways but after 5 years, I would expect some form of normality. If your husband's family don't want to celebrate Christmas, that's their choice but they surely can see for a child, it's utterly depressing spending time with them? If they can't, then it's down to your husband to say something. If he won't, and refuses to acknowledge the issue, then I think you're within your rights to refuse to visit. Who wants to sit watching TV, with relatives stuck in some morbid abyss? My Mum lost her Dad on the 21st December, and for her Christmas since then has always been tinged with sadness, but she doesn't sit and wallow in it. There's nothing stopping your husband visiting his family without you and your son. Perhaps if you don't visit, it may push him into having a conversation with his Mum regarding the situation.

I’m going to go against the grain here and say YABU. It’s not a visit to celebrate Christmas, it’s just a visit to see elderly relatives. Your presence may be comforting, even if you just sit and watch TV, you do it all together. You’ve celebrated Christmas in the morning and with a Christmas lunch at your family’s place. Then you go for a social visit. They get a present for your child, so this means they do think of him. They just dont want to go “all out”. I get that because in my culture we go round all our relatives to see them in the afternoon, not to celebrate, just to spend a couple hours with them. I think it’s reasonable, it doesn’t mean they have cancelled Christmas if they arr elderly and don’t want to put decorations up. I assume they offer you a drink of some sorts or a snack to your kid? I would think that’s ok, especially if it makes them happy (or at least content).

Life is for the living.

My mums funeral was the 20th a few years ago we still celebrated Christmas that year never mind the following ones!

I wouldn't visit and I would tell them why. Presumably if it was your husband GRANDfather then we are not talking about some young person who died in tragic circumstances? They are being very odd but that's their choice. I would not let my son experience this madness (my mum did die suddenly when I was a teenager and we still continued to celebrate Christmas even although the first one was not long after she passed and fucking sad).

Agree.

Am I the worst person in the world to think that’s an absolutely ridiculous situation? A man died 5 years ago who was old enough to have adult grandchildren and to meet great-grandchildren. That’s the best case scenario anyone could hope for in terms of leaving this life. I think Christmas can be melancholic and a time to remember those who are no longer with us, but I’d expect you to raise a glass in his memory not to cancel Christmas forevermore. I would keep your child well away and enjoy Christmas, it sounds very unhealthy to me.

I remember losing my own Grandfather when I was an actual child over the Christmas period (my first ever loss) just to contextualise my heartlessness here!!

I lost my mum 7 years ago 2 weeks before Xmas. That first Christmas was muted but we have celebrated since then every year. Life goes on and she is always in our thoughts and hearts. For the sake of your child, you should celebrate.

My great grandfather died on Christmas Day back in the 80s, my dad’s family said it was an honour and celebrated in their own way.

Goodness me, not cold hearted at all to want your child to be able to enjoy Christmas while he's still young!
My own grandad died on 17th Dec and his funeral was on 23rd. I only vaguely remember as I was small, but I don't recall even that Christmas being "cancelled", even though it was probably a bit toned down. But every year after that was just Christmas as normal, albeit with a toast to my grandad. He loved Christmas, so would never have wanted us to be miserable at such a joyful time! I highly doubt whether your DH's grandad would want his family to honour him in such a miserable way either!!
If they insist upon this, then I would just have to refuse to go.

This is SO incredibly unhealthy. I wouldn’t be putting myself or my child in that situation. Sounds like the family need help. Counselling or speaking to someone from cruse? In 5 years I’ve lost 4 close family including my child and my spouse. I don’t cancel Christmas. I’d distance myself until they learn to process their grief

Interesting that DGM predeceased him and Christmas carried on but has now been shelved.

My grandparents would haunt me if I carried on in such a way and it doesn't sound like it would have been what he would have wanted either.

Definitely not you! We also lost DH’s grandfather close to Christmas 10 years ago, the funeral was 23rd December. We still celebrated Christmas that year and every year since! Most years we fondly remember the year my DH was teaching him to play Wii bowling and the hilarity that ensured. The following Christmas he checked with MiL that DH that he was bringing it round again so he could play it 🤣

I can’t imagine not celebrating Christmas for your young child, you only get so many when they are little and the magic of Santa is real for them. I can’t see an issue with you wanting to go somewhere that will be Christmassy and fun rather than depressing and sad!

Being honest I am struggling to understand how you’ve allowed your child to not have Christmas for 5 years, age 5-10 years are some of the must magical and memory making, please tell me I’ve misunderstood and they still had Christmas.

Five years after the death of an elderly (presumably) relative. I'm sorry, but that's taking mourning to a positively VictorIan level.
YANBU, or cold hearted.

No - 5 years is a long time and you have a child who is 10

As they say….the show must go on. The living are still here.