Am I being cold hearted?

[Isthispositive15]

My DH family is very small and 5 years ago we lost his beloved grandfather close to Christmas, his funeral was the 22nd and since then Christmas has been cancelled. No one in his family celebrates it anymore, no tree goes up, no Christmas meal or any festivies from before and the mood is very sad and depressing. We have a 10 year old and I hate going to visit on Christmas day as it's so emotionally draining. Are we never going to have a Christmas again?
After 5 years, do you think it's time to start getting back to normal or am I being cold hearted and harsh and should respect this new normal?

Ridiculous. We lost my Dad just before Christmas and New Year, Christmas went on, cremation in between Christmas and New Year (worked around 3 birthdays that week), and on we go. Life continues, and you find the quiet moments to remember .

I hope you and your DC enjoyed Christmas. You are completely right to not continue participating and making your child participate in this antiquated mourning period farce.

If they aren’t celebrating Christmas- why do you have to visit them ?

This sounds awful for your child.

It sounds like you need to start hosting Christmas- put your tree up, cook a meal and enjoy the day with whoever shows up.

That is half of your child's life so far.
So unfair, Christmas is for the children.

If it’s not a visit to celebrate Christmas then there is no need to visit on Christmas Day is there? Another 364 days of the year available for that.

"Having christmas again" shouldn't solely depend on them. Either offer to host them yourself, or have christmas day just you and your husband and kid

Yanbu
FFS 5 years of not celebrating Christmas with your kids? That's just awful. Do your kids even understand why?
Send them all some flowers And a card then stay away, do your own things and visit them in the new year.
Do not let the misery win, that happens on its own enough

Frankly, they could put their sadness on hold for one day for the sake of a child and if not they should be offering you the option to opt out so you can. It’s just selfish to expect a child to give up the magic of Christmas to deal with adult emotions. I think I’d have stopped going round after a couple of years. Your child may end up resenting you and your husband for this.

Christmas is one day a year and if the adults in this scenario can’t muster up some joy even for an afternoon for a child, then I don’t think it’s unreasonable to save it for another day over the festive period, particularly if they’re clearly not even celebrating Christmas.

Absolutely wild. My Mum died in the summer and it was business as usual...having said that I couldn't be bothered/it upset me this year, so I only put a few Dec's on the tree and partner and the kids decorated the rest, but we obviously had presents, music and food etc as usual. Though I was very sad at times I realised it wasn't just about me and my grief.

It's upto them if they don't want a tree up etc, but could still do something for when you are visiting with your child!

Did you stick to that?

My dad died suddenly a month before Christmas, 18 years ago. That first Christmas felt raw but we’ve never stopped celebrating it. We remember him of course, as we always do, but life does move on.

I think this sounds like something Id not want to every year even if I didn’t have kids. You are not being unreasonable in wanting to do it differently.
My mum died on the 5th December and the next day we were putting our tree up.
i honestly felt like crap but my kids wanted to bring me some joy. So while I understand the why your IL don’t go all out, I feel like when other people are involved you do have to push yourself a bit

My grandfather died on boxing day over a decade ago. He was my best friend and it shattered us as a family, my mother (his daughter) was in pieces. We used to spend Christmas day all together at our house and boxing day all together at my aunts.
Do you know what we do now?
We raise a glass to him, and talk about the happy memories. The first year was hard, many tears were shed. He will never be forgotten, but he would be absolutely devastated if he thought we had cancelled Christmas forevermore because we missed him. Now I have children of my own, and I wouldn't be dragging them to an environment like that - let your husband do as he pleases.

That sounds so sad, I am so sorry you’ve had two losses at an emotional time.

However life goes on and you have to create a happy occasion sometimes purely just for the children.

I wonder if maybe the effort it harder than the decoration? How about next year pop to Tesco and buy one of their £12 tree in a pot with lights? It’s quite subtle and might just be enough if you leave on their doorstep, it may just be a little light in the dark for them.

Personal opinion but I would rather celebrate someone's life than mourn forever their departure. I'm sure they have so many happy memories of the grandfather, why not celebrate life and his legacy rather than mourning his death.

That's ridiculous! People grieve in different ways, but five years after the death of a man who was old enough to be an adult's grandfather, it's long past time to put on a brave face and try to make things merry again for the younger generations. I wouldn't have patience for that. YANBU to want to spend your Christmases with people who at least try to look on the bright side of life instead of dwelling on death.

Your husband is being very selfish toward his own child if he objects to a change of plans. If he dies, does he want you to go into a depression every year around the date of his death or try to enjoy your life and celebrate the festive season as best you can? I'd hope people would cherish memories of me in happier times, not make everything gloomy whenever the thought of me comes up.

Why is it unfair not to visit DH's family on Christmas day if they don't celebrate Christmas day?
If you visited your family at any other time would you have to visit DH's on the same day then too?
If they don't celebrate it then it's just like any other day for them and there's no reason for you to have to go.

If they don’t celebrate Christmas anymore then I wouldn’t go to them on Christmas day. Maybe before Christmas but they shouldn’t mind so long as you see them for a little while at least.
would the grandfather have wanted them to behave this way?
everyone grieves/remembers differently but no, I don’t think you’re being too harsh.

They can do what they want but you don't have to participate.
Enjoy Christmas at home and/or with your family aand leave them to it
I am sure its very sad but we have never cancelled Xmas after someone died, they are being a bit ridiculous now