Paying grandparent for childcare

[NewGoldFox]

We pay mil £160 a month for two days a week of drop offs and pick ups for two pre teens. We have a dog so she spends time with the dog but doesn’t walk him or anything like that and there is no expectation from us for her to spend the day with him.
I asked my husband if he would be paying the full £160 this month as due to illness and annual leave mil has ended up doing 1 week of the usual childcare. He has said yes he will be paying the full amount. Am I being unreasonable to expect not to pay the full whack? She does help us out an extra day over the summer holidays although it doesn’t work out as an extra day a week as I take annual leave and husband does also to spend time with the children over holidays.
Interested in other peoples points of view on the arrangement.

I prefer to think that I've done all my "taking", and enjoyed giving back to my parents in their later years.

You have no idea if they need the money or not. They have not contributed to this discussion. They may want to use their hard earned money to live a nice, stress free life, or go travelling around South America, or buy a second hot tub.

It's their money, not their children's.

If you thought the grandparents care was substandard you absolutely should be seeking better care for your kids - regardless of cost.

Free parenting?

Isn’t it the duty of a parent to parent the children they chose to have?

No issue with paying grandparents. My own parents would be offended if I tried to pay them to have their own grandchildren. They fly/drive to have my niece (not yet 2) their granddaughter every month for days or they go to my sister’s and she’s 10 hour drive away.

There's a big difference between grandparents flying in / travelling to spend time with family, and grandparents who are being asked to commit x days every single week to childcare.

I know and I wasn’t saying it was the same thing.

Heck, OP kids are pre-teens. Plenty of us were considered capable of being home by ourselves around that age if you were mature enough and could make are own food (cereal, sandwiches, etc).

How much care do pre-teens need?

I wasn't opining on whether or not the children needed care, I was opining on the expectation for grandparents to provide free childcare/ the horror expressed by some of the commenters that a caregiver is audacious enough to be paid for their time.

(Actually they're not being paid for their time, in reality, they're being reimbursed for the expense involved with the childcare provision so that they're not worse off / having to deplete the funds they have to live off)

I do find it weird to pay a grandparent to pick up/drop off. Genuinely interested when one gets to high school age, will you reduce the amount?

My sons nor daughters would dream of leaving me short. It's within your budgeted amount

You should pay, I have to pay childcare when my kids off ill. Thing is when it's an arranged weekly thing like this, she is tied to it and can't make any other plans at the times. So she should be paid. If it was a one off ask if she could do you a favour and collect the kids one day it would be different, but it's set days so I think pay.

I voted that you were being unreasonable before reading all your replies. I presumed she was charging because she needed the money, hearing that she doesn't need it changes my opinion. As a parent, I couldn't imagine charging my kids unless I really needed the money! I'd much rather they saved that money and did something nice for them and their families and I'd enjoy the extra time I got to spend with my family.
My parents help me out with lots of things and in return I do odd jobs/errands for them. Family should be all about helping each other where you can!
I do agree with you though that it is more beneficial for the children to be able to come home and relax (and presumably that means that you can just go straight home after work instead of picking them up), so I'd be reluctant to change the arrangement if I were you, even if it did make me resentful!

Personally, I agree with the friend who is horrified that you pay a grandparent. I have never heard of a grandparent being paid to help out with childcare - I’d assumed that if you’re the type of person wanting payment for being with your grandchildren, then the parents would probably want to find other arrangements anyway! I also find it odd that everyone is so put out by the hot tub comments; hot tubs are expensive to buy and extortionate to run, therefore anyone who has one probably doesn’t need an extra £160 a month. Also, the ‘leave it to your husband to decide’ comments baffle me. It’s joint money, why should OP’s husband decide what both their money is spent on? I must be in the minority here judging by the poll, but I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all, OP, and I find a grandparent accepting money totally tacky. Shifting your hours sounds like a better idea, as you obviously feel the same as me and it’s only going to eat you up further if it keeps going. It’s probably better for your relationship if the resentment is nipped in the bud. I’d also be telling grandmother that I couldn’t afford to pay her anymore and that’s why she was no longer needed! PS- £160/month isn’t peanuts, and it’s very privileged to act like that is a small amount of money in this economy. Sending love, OP!

£160/month isn’t peanuts

It is for the amount of childcare involved. Clearly you’re completely out of touch with what it costs.

Absolutely you should be paying her!

And remember, if you end up helping her in her later years with shopping, cleaning or days out when she is lonely send her an invoice for your labour.

My mum, 25 years ago now, watched my DC before and after school and, although she wouldn’t take a penny, I paid for her to have her hair washed and blow dried every week. It cost around £20 a week and it was a struggle financially at the time (single parent, no financial support from exh) but my DCs loved their time with her and I wanted her to know how much I appreciated her help by providing something she loved getting done but wouldn’t pay herself. I don’t see your situation as much different tbh. I’m forever grateful to my mum for helping me raise my DCs when I was working.

I find this attitude shocking.
They aren't random children, they're her grandchildren, her flesh and blood. I love my grandchild, I want to spend as much time as possible with her, and that includes school runs. I would have been extremely offended if my child wanted to pay me as if I was some sort of childminder and I would have refused.
I think grandparents who accept payment are appalling.

How much is breakfast club and after school care where you live? It would def cost me more than £10 a day per child here, depending on how many hours you needed. I pay my childminder £6 an hour for after school care. I don’t pay when they aren’t in school, obviously which is where you seem to be having the issue - paying her in full for December when it’s been mostly holiday. The kids are also getting valuable time with their grandparents (even if you are paying her for her time).

It’s also worth considering would you actually be worse off by changing your work hours? Would you lose more than £160 a month by doing so?

Are you out of pocket? If you had to pay for alternative care and you're effectively paying twice then I'd consider not paying. If not then I'd probably just pay

I paid my parents to do it.
I preferred their care and I wanted to do the right thing plus not have a financial shock if I suddenly had to pay for formal childcare.
£600 a month pre pandemic and I didn't claw anything back if they couldn't do it, but they rarely cancelled.

You’re not paying her, because that £160 is nowhere close to what childcare costs actually looks like pretty much anywhere else. That’s merely expenses. Also £100k is literally nothing in retirement, to put it bluntly they will need to make that last until they die and so the the cost of living that won’t stretch that far. Which is also a scary prospect for them. You have the rest of your life to make money, they don’t. You seem a bit entitled to their time & also resentful that they are taking money from you. Your children are getting the best love and care possible, far more than after-school clubs etc. could ever provide. And ultimately they are your children. Not theirs. They don’t have to look after them at all.

£20 a day for 2 kids is nothing, paid childcare would be more than £10 per child per day. Definitely should pay continuously

The reason they are mortgage free and have savings is because they are older and at a different stage of life. There seems to be some expectation that they should be almost paying you for the pleasure of having your children.

That’s a weird take. My MIL & FIL didn’t help with childcare (it was too impractical). If they needed help in old age, I would do what I possibly could, if that meant putting my hand in my pocket so be it, because they’re family. The same family that raised my husband for 18 years. But then again I don’t go through life mentally adding up what people have done for me, in order for me to return the favour precisely in the same manner.

Exactly! A grandparent could just save them all the trouble and just turn up at weekends and for all the fun stuff. That would still be being a great grandparent but this grandparent is choosing to do the dreaded school run, caring for the kids (I bet providing snacks, some behaviour management etc) keeping an eye on the dog. In actual fact, she’s not getting to be an indulgent, fun grandparent in the way she could be.

Wow! How mercenary and calculating…I don’t count money between close family. I don’t know the circumstances but if you’re paying her a set amount (very cheaply I might add!) per month then just stick to it regardless. I’d babysit my grandkids for free but my circumstances allow that but if I needed help, all my children would be incredibly forthcoming without wanting anything in return and because I know that, I’d treasure the time I get to spend with the grandkids..my family members all looked after my kids when they were little and Monet never changed hands, that’s family..