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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying grandparent for childcare

179 replies

NewGoldFox · 24/12/2025 01:18

We pay mil £160 a month for two days a week of drop offs and pick ups for two pre teens. We have a dog so she spends time with the dog but doesn’t walk him or anything like that and there is no expectation from us for her to spend the day with him.
I asked my husband if he would be paying the full £160 this month as due to illness and annual leave mil has ended up doing 1 week of the usual childcare. He has said yes he will be paying the full amount. Am I being unreasonable to expect not to pay the full whack? She does help us out an extra day over the summer holidays although it doesn’t work out as an extra day a week as I take annual leave and husband does also to spend time with the children over holidays.
Interested in other peoples points of view on the arrangement.

OP posts:
Tablesandchairs23 · 26/12/2025 11:43

NewGoldFox · 24/12/2025 09:25

I am very grateful to her, I’m also well aware how lucky we are that she is kind and a good role model for the children.

In terms of wealth, grandparents are mortgage free and have around 100k in savings we are mortgaged and zilch in savings. They are heading towards retirement so I understand their concerns about money but they also have a hot tub and don’t take the children to the pantomime when they go every year, which is odd to me.

To be clear I know we are getting a good deal, it is just a little painful with the wealth inequality and a close friend who is horrified at the thought of paying a parent, that’s why I was keen to hear other peoples thoughts.

Edited

It works for you. Ignore what other people say.

Mischance · 26/12/2025 11:46

You have a bargain! Please don't quibble this ... it is really mean.
I had no payment for lots of GC care but that was my choice.
Let your OH deal with it.

Nanny0gg · 26/12/2025 11:48

NewGoldFox · 24/12/2025 09:25

I am very grateful to her, I’m also well aware how lucky we are that she is kind and a good role model for the children.

In terms of wealth, grandparents are mortgage free and have around 100k in savings we are mortgaged and zilch in savings. They are heading towards retirement so I understand their concerns about money but they also have a hot tub and don’t take the children to the pantomime when they go every year, which is odd to me.

To be clear I know we are getting a good deal, it is just a little painful with the wealth inequality and a close friend who is horrified at the thought of paying a parent, that’s why I was keen to hear other peoples thoughts.

Edited

I've done a fair bit of childcare in the last nearly 20 years (more when I retired)

It would never have occurred to me to charge

Coconutter24 · 26/12/2025 11:50

NewGoldFox · 24/12/2025 10:39

Bring back the laugh emoji.

I just think that on reflection it’s obviously bothering me more than I had realised.

I also agree that 100k is not a huge amount when you are looking down the barrel of retirement. I didn’t say they are rich they are just in better shape financially than we are.

Edited
Show quote history

But when you’re closer to retirement and children grown up, won’t you be in a better position financially than you are now? It’s not comparable, they’re older and longer to save and pay off a mortgage

BellaVita · 26/12/2025 11:55

Anonanonay · 26/12/2025 10:33

You're privileged enough to be able to afford the lost income then, aren't you? Not all older women are so lucky.

Show quote history

Weird how you picked up on my post and not others that have said the same…

Howdidlifegetsobusy · 26/12/2025 12:02

Honestly, you would be paying far more than this per child for wrap around care, plus you would have to then pick them up.
If she’s doing wrap around every day and has committed to this, there should be a reward for keeping that time free for that role. If it was occasional ones offs, then no, but it’s every day, that she is keeping free for them.

I had a friend that fel out with her own mother because she had the audacity to take a day off from her unpaid childcare role. The friend then tried to charge her mother for alternative childcare costs! I had to tell her to give herself a serous head wobble, and stop acting as if the childcare was her mums responsibility.
grandparent’s should not be used and abused as free childcare.

mcmooberry · 26/12/2025 12:08

Am going to disagree with the majority and say pay less this month, it's such an expensive month. Am totally on board with not taking the piss out of anyone, ever but it would seem fair to all parties to pay maybe half.

Anywherebuthere · 26/12/2025 12:17

NewGoldFox · 24/12/2025 09:25

I am very grateful to her, I’m also well aware how lucky we are that she is kind and a good role model for the children.

In terms of wealth, grandparents are mortgage free and have around 100k in savings we are mortgaged and zilch in savings. They are heading towards retirement so I understand their concerns about money but they also have a hot tub and don’t take the children to the pantomime when they go every year, which is odd to me.

To be clear I know we are getting a good deal, it is just a little painful with the wealth inequality and a close friend who is horrified at the thought of paying a parent, that’s why I was keen to hear other peoples thoughts.

Edited

Hot tub and pantomine are irrelevant. They are entitled to what they have worked for.You sound a bit bitter though. Try working on that.

A childminder would cost you more than you give your MIL.

TickyTacky · 26/12/2025 12:19

I cared for my friend's son one day a week for several years, then both her children 1 day a week after school for several more years and never charged a penny. You can't. If she's accepting money she's putting herself in a precarious legal position. There's even a case where 2 police officers provided reciprocal care (not paid) around their shifts and got hugely fined for it. Be careful.

lap90 · 26/12/2025 12:26

I just can't imagine getting worked up about this.

You clearly begrudge your in-laws though (hot tub and panto tickets and all), so start looking for help elsewhere.

Purplecatshopaholic · 26/12/2025 12:57

I must admit, if I had to pay I’d be paying a professional. I wouldn’t expect to pay a grandparent. Just my opinion.

ilovepixie · 26/12/2025 13:10

I would never take money for looking after grandkids. Will they pay you for looking after them in their old age?

Parentoffour · 26/12/2025 13:16

since it’s his mum let him decide and pay it (if your a couple that does 50/50.) I would assume the mum may need this money or she wouldn’t take it.

sunshinestar1986 · 26/12/2025 13:52

RachTheAlpaca · 26/12/2025 10:08

Do your kids know that you pay their grandparent to spend time with them? Would they be upset knowing this?
I'm on your side 100% with this, she's taking the P.
Clearly doesn't need the money, time to use after school club instead and see if she still bothers to see the grandkids or if it was just a 'job'

£160 IS a lot of money, pretty ignorant to those saying that it isn't

How very entitled of you.
How could you take advantage of grandparents?

Olive72 · 26/12/2025 15:09

I am horrified you have to pay. I looked after my grandson 8am till 4pm 5 days a week from 6 weeks old until he started school. Also did school pick ups and drop offs for his 3 siblings (step grandchildren). I also kept their house clean for them and cooked meals.
Still regularly pick them up from school and have lots of sleepovers. I would have been offended if they had offered to pay me. Although a hot tub would have been a nice token gesture 😂

Ludinous · 26/12/2025 15:27

NewGoldFox · 24/12/2025 01:38

£160 isn’t peanuts to me, it would be cheaper to go with before and after school clubs but the children prefer to be with Nanny and I prefer them to be able to relax at home.
I wasn’t suggesting that we wouldn’t pay it either, I was just surprised it was assumed I suppose.

Edited

Wow! Out before/after school club is £25 For a day. That would be £400 a month for 2 kids for a month. Plus you've got to take than and pick them up yourself. Id be paying the full amount just to keep her sweet.

Ilovelifeverymuch · 26/12/2025 17:10

BravebutBroken · 24/12/2025 01:45

Regardless of how much it is I'm shocked that a grandparent needs to be paid to spend time with their grandchildren. If understand if money was tight and they needed fuel costs covering or something similar, but a monthly wage 😳 if I was paying for childcare I'd pay someone qualified to provide it, not a grandparent who I'd expect to want to spend time with the child.

There's spending time with your grandchildren and there's looking after them everyday while saving the parents money.

outerspacepotato · 26/12/2025 17:18

You're being a cheap ass and you obviously resent your inlaws having a hot tub and savings and no mortgage when they're a generation older than you.

They don't have that much in savings if they're nearing retirement.

If you resent paying her, get a second job and hire a nanny or childcare person to take over the tasks your MIL is doing. You'll be paying more.

Or you could appreciate that your MIL is charging you a minimal amount to go out of her way for your kids multiple times a week. If she's close to retirement, does that mean she's still working while also doing for your kids?

Rainbow1101 · 26/12/2025 19:25

If it was me, I wouldn’t see the £160 as a wage for childcare or dog care. The children are pre-teens and mostly able to look after themselves, and the dog doesn’t really need walking by MIL. I’d see it more as giving her some extra money to do whatever she likes, with the “looking after the children” being more of an excuse than an actual job. On that basis, I’d still give her the £160 regardless of how many days or hours she spent on it.

Esperanza25 · 26/12/2025 19:34

I look after several grandchildren and would never accept payment for looking after them. I am not wealthy, but can manage. My children are very generous in terms of gifts / days out etc, so I don’t feel at all taken for granted.
Obviously everyone’s situation is different.

emziecy · 26/12/2025 19:41

NewGoldFox · 24/12/2025 10:39

Bring back the laugh emoji.

I just think that on reflection it’s obviously bothering me more than I had realised.

I also agree that 100k is not a huge amount when you are looking down the barrel of retirement. I didn’t say they are rich they are just in better shape financially than we are.

Edited
Show quote history

Presumably they've earned whatever they have by working until retirement and raising their own kids! Why should they spend their hard earned time looking after your kids (that you chose to have) because you aren't in the same financial position? WTAF?! Unbelievably entitled attitude.

Newyearawaits · 26/12/2025 20:06

NewGoldFox · 24/12/2025 09:25

I am very grateful to her, I’m also well aware how lucky we are that she is kind and a good role model for the children.

In terms of wealth, grandparents are mortgage free and have around 100k in savings we are mortgaged and zilch in savings. They are heading towards retirement so I understand their concerns about money but they also have a hot tub and don’t take the children to the pantomime when they go every year, which is odd to me.

To be clear I know we are getting a good deal, it is just a little painful with the wealth inequality and a close friend who is horrified at the thought of paying a parent, that’s why I was keen to hear other peoples thoughts.

Edited

If the GPS don't need the money, I find it distasteful that they are charging you.
As far as I am concerned, my GC are as good as 'mine' & what's mine is theirs.

Newyearawaits · 26/12/2025 20:07

emziecy · 26/12/2025 19:41

Presumably they've earned whatever they have by working until retirement and raising their own kids! Why should they spend their hard earned time looking after your kids (that you chose to have) because you aren't in the same financial position? WTAF?! Unbelievably entitled attitude.

Show quote history

Disagree entirely with this

Newyearawaits · 26/12/2025 20:14

TangoWhiskeyAlphaTango123 · 24/12/2025 11:01

Unless I was on the absolute bones of my arse I cannot see a world in which I would take a penny off my DC to look after my own DGC. I think it is an incredibly mean thing to do and I would be ashamed to accept money in your MIL shoes.

Edited

This 100pc

QuietComet · 26/12/2025 20:35

Brokeandold · 25/12/2025 08:38

I think you’re getting a-lot of replies from grandparents/older generation here. Thats why they are all indigent and outraged.
I understand the relevance of the hot-tub, I can imagine they are expensive to maintain and have on.
My DP’s looked after our eldest when I went back to work for 2 days a week, they would work with my DH’s shift work so alot of early starts for them. They came to our house, so it was familiar for DS ( he was 9 months old) They did this for 2 years, we had another baby and I became a SAHM.
They never asked for a penny, they were ok money wise, no £100,000 savings for sure! I would buy them treats but they understood how money was tight for us.
I’m the youngest of 6 so they never had money whilst we were growing up.
I loved it soo much, our DS was so close to them, he would take off running to them when they arrived, such a special time.
When my DM died unexpectedly age 75 he was 6, it broke his heart and again 4 years later when his DG died.
He’s now 26 and talks about them with such lovely memories
Its a shame when money tarnishes relationships, does your Mil really need the money? Wish I had £100,000 in savings! £1000 more like!
Hope whatever you decide to do works out for you, its a juggle.

Does she need £100k in savings? Probably not, but she (and likes her husband) earned it, likely so they could enjoy a nice retirement. I would also begrudge losing my nice, relaxed retirement (that's a bit of an unrealistic dream tbh), I certainly wouldn't begrudge it.
Money disappears very quickly when you're not earning a wage.
I'm mid-40s with a 3 year old, btw.
If my parents were alive, I would certainly be paying them if they were to provide regular childcare. They did their free parenting, and dug me out of many holes. They earned the right to live comfortably.