Paying grandparent for childcare

[NewGoldFox]

We pay mil £160 a month for two days a week of drop offs and pick ups for two pre teens. We have a dog so she spends time with the dog but doesn’t walk him or anything like that and there is no expectation from us for her to spend the day with him.
I asked my husband if he would be paying the full £160 this month as due to illness and annual leave mil has ended up doing 1 week of the usual childcare. He has said yes he will be paying the full amount. Am I being unreasonable to expect not to pay the full whack? She does help us out an extra day over the summer holidays although it doesn’t work out as an extra day a week as I take annual leave and husband does also to spend time with the children over holidays.
Interested in other peoples points of view on the arrangement.

I think that your lucky to have your mil minding your kids for a £160 pm. This is far less than than childcare would cost. Your mil is also flexible with the days or hours she does. Most child care you pay x amount per week even if your child is not there for any number of reasons.
Another thing to consider is that because of minding your kids she is giving up her time and could be turning down days away or cheap holidays with friends.

At the moment your able to work due to her childcare. Your paying your NI stamps, can contribute into a pension and your building up work experience. When your kids are older you can change jobs or possibly get more hours in your current job later on.
You can look into getting further training or qualifications to move up the ladder job wise also.

At the moment I have a friend with a few kid's. She has been a sahm for over 15 years. She is trying to get back into the work force part time. She is currently in talks with an employer about doing 2 days a week. She is qualified and previously worked with well known places. She is trying to do 2 days a week because she can get help from her husband and a friend for after school care. She does not want to ask her mother or mil for childcare for a number of reasons. Also she does not want to be working just to pay child care. I know if I told her she could have childcare for what you're paying she jump at it.

At the moment your able to work due to her childcare.

I think the fact the dc are in school is a bigger factor….

Do they really need after school care if they are pre-teens?
I think for the sake of another year or so I’d leave things as they are because surely they will be fine for an hour or so soon if not already.

£40 a week for pick up & drop offs from school is not that different to what schools charge when you factor in its tax free, some will be cheaper. What are people missing?

@Ilady When she wants to go away she tells us the date and one of us takes annual leave or lieu time. I also told her about a craft club at my local church that runs on a day she is over, which she seems to really enjoy.

With regards to it being the cheaper option I am not sure that it is. We pay out of pocket rather than using childcare vouchers etc.

I hope it works out well for your friend, although my accrued pension so far isn’t much I’m pleased I’ve got something going!

As they are your husband's parents, presumably he will decide how/if he will help. Also bear in mind that they spent 18 years bringing him up.

Sorry I gave you a hard time about the hot tub OP, it just struck me as funny. Bottom line here is that whatever childcare works for your family is the main thing and a loving and supportive grandmother is worth their weight in gold. Payment, or not, is a family decision. You never know she might be taking the money and saving it for the kids when they are older!

I cannot see how it is more expensive than wrap around, unless wrap around is extremely cheap where you are. Our ASC is £15.50 per child per day, and breakfast club I think is about £6-7 (I don’t use it so not sure exactly). That’s over £40 for 2 kids each day! Plus as others have mentioned a dog walker might be £15+ on top of this.

Using tax free childcare would save you 20% so bring it down to £34ish per day.

I wouldnt think to reduce childcare payment because I was on AL and me or the kids were ill. If mil was away or ill then I might expect her to tell us to pay less but I wouldnt suggest it.

I can see how it came across and was kicking myself for mentioning it 😂
Tbh I put this up when I was two mojitos deep, exhausted from present wrapping and obviously feeling hard done by.

She is worth her weight in gold and I know I am very fortunate to have her help and support. It works out well and the children love her and spending time with her so I am happy.

Stop being so reasonable, OP.

We want more comments about hot tubs and pantos, and less nice remarks about your MIL.

I’ll pay her and not begrudge this. I know you say the money is not peanuts but really she would be spending a lot on fuel, she would always been on guard, have to wake up for drop off and then pick up, it’s such a big commitment. Even if you use wrap around care, you’ll still drop off and pick up from there so that’ll add to the cost. Then she stays with the dog too. You’re seriously getting a good deal.
The wrap around care in my DC school is dirt cheap and it’s still £4 for breakfast and £8 for ASC so that’s £12 a day for a child, for 2 children that’ll easily be 120 a week.
It’s like a case of no good deed goes unpunished. She’s doing this to make your life easier but all you see is that she’s being reimbursed some of her costs, you’re forgetting there are other grandparents like your own parents who are not committing their time to do this. You’re already talking about not helping with her care when the time comes but you’re not saying the same thing about other grandparents who are not even helping at all as presumably you’ll help them when the time comes. I hope you can reflect on this.

Paying a family member for childcare isn't usually paying them for a job. It's helping them out financially and giving them something to do so they feel they've earned it. So I'd guess MIL struggles financially and DH doesn't want her to be left short?

But before after school clubs do not collect and drop off do they

What a sick way of thinking. One has nothing to do with each other. How sick of you to go that far and think of them in hospital to get your turn to spite them.

Op this arrangement only benefits you. Your kids love being with her, she is a good role model and then you want your kids to be at home too. It ONLY benefits you. You then went on to tally up their financial situation, then the future of when they’re ill. I would feel very ashamed if I thought that way. She is still your dh mother that you’re speaking about. At the end of the day it is still her time that she is giving up. Unless you think a persons time is free?

I think you are absolved from elderly care for your MIL as you aren't her child and she didn't bring you up. Your relationship sounds pretty transactional and I certainly wouldn't ask for payment for two days of a week of drop-offs and pick-ups for two pre-teens that don't require any hands on care, unlike a baby or a toddler. Did MIL ask for payment or did you offer it?

If your MIL needs help when she is elderly, that would be your DH's responsibility as she is his mum.

@NewGoldFox who decided how much granny would get paid?

What a strange comment. A grandparent is far better qualified, and much safer, to provide childcare than some unknown stranger. The OP says her kids feel much happier with Granny and she herself feels secure in that knowledge. I also think it's gob smackingly entitled of you to think that grandparents should do free wrap around childcare and school pick ups just for the sheer joy of spending time with their grandkids. In other words, they ought to consider themselves fucking privileged to be hauling their arses out on freezing cold mornings to do the school run? And you know the grandmother can't go anywhere or do anything else (so putting her life on hold) because she has the responsibility of her grandchildren, and the dog? Grandparents don't have to work their butts off to see their grandkids, right? Jeez, ageism at it's finest.

Yeah I also found this comment quite sick.

Odd in my family and my view to expect to be paid in general.
In September I’ll be helping my sister with her 4 year olds settling into school days. I’m a shift worker so get days off in the week. My non working days I’ll be taking her/ picking her up. I would be very offended if my sister tried to pay me.
My mum used to do school runs for my children. I never paid her. If I help my children with childcare in the future (they don’t have children currently) I wouldn’t accept payment.

I don’t have lots of spare money. I just don’t think family should pay each other. I do understand that some people can’t afford to eat etc but in that case I would take the family member food shopping every week I wouldn’t offer them payment for spending time with family members. I can see other posters don’t agree so maybe I’m in the minority but if you are paying £160 a month I would assume it was the same even if she was sick as you would still pay a childminder if she was ill.

I was extremely confused about that as well!

I think paying/ not paying family for childcare is variable tbh.
Did MIL give up work to do this? Or cut her hours? How far away does she live? And so on.

When my DC were younger, my mum provided childcare on my work days. Care work, 15 hour days but not always the same days. She lives about 5.5 miles away, so not too far, but the school run could take up to an hour if traffic was bad. She preferred to have them at her house over mine so they would sleep there and go to school the next day etc. She worked from home and could do that when she wanted rather than set hours.

We worked out a rough amount that the petrol cost per journey and how much a packed lunch and dinner cost. At the end of the month we worked out how many journeys/meals she'd provided and thats what I paid her.

Me too re how sick the OPs outlook is…after hearing that most folk think she’s unreasonable she went straight to looking forward to punishing the MiL when she becomes vulnerable.

Though no doubt happy to take whatever the PiL might leave in a will - it would after all balance the wealth inequality.

I pay my Mum to provide wraparound care for my two preschoolers. £500 a month. Seems like a lot on paper but I’d paying a childminder far more than this during school holidays and when they are inevitably off preschool with a bug and I still have to work. My Mum is still too young to claim her pension so had to leave her part time job in a supermarket to support me with this, without her (and preschool) I wouldn’t be able to work.

I still pay her if she’s off sick or on holiday.