To make my daughter wear her hair down on Xmas day

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I really don’t think I’m bu in these circumstances. Normally with something like this I’d think someone was unreasonable but hear me out

DD 6 has the most beautiful curly hair, it’s the most amazing colour whenever she comes to the hairdressers with me they’re in awe at it, both the colour and texture. DD is a major Tom boy, and my parenting style is very much live and let live, pick your battles sort of thing.

however, due to this my dc are used to having free reign on what they wear/do/eat/go to etc. my dc choose their own outfits each day and pretty such always have done. Dd is now especially hard to buy clothes for as alls she wants to wear is blue, black, grey, navy, or dark green. Wouldn’t dream of a dress, has a real issue with jeans, and won’t wear boots or anything. She has chosen a blue designer tracksuit to wear on Xmas day that is navy blue (it’s slightly “girlier” for once as has little shoulder pads and tapered bottoms). We are very much a dress up for Xmas day family and this year after COUNTLESS chopping and changing of plans it’s now been arranged that we’re going out for Xmas. Dd adamant she wants to wear her tracksuit (and has had a meltdown about the clothes I’ve bought her for Boxing Day). I’ve told her if she’s going to wear the tracksuit then I’ll be styling her hair and she won’t be wearing her usual go to style of a slick back pony tail to “dress up” a bit for Xmas day. She’s had an absolute meltdown and whilst this is something I wouldn’t normally care about, something in me is saying to stick to my guns. I accept and fully embrace that she doesn’t and probably will never dress in the way I’d love to dress her (I’m a real girly girl) but do I let her have too much say?

FWIW, I’ve told her that when I was young I didn’t get a say in what I was wearing where we were going and certainly not how my hair was styled. I think I’m further irritated by the kick off over her Boxing Day clothes. She won’t go to the shops with me so I’ve traipsed around the shops myself yesterday to find something she’d like. Smart and not girly but trendy and funky in colours she approves of. I’m struggling financially at the moment and the pressure of Christmas is just getting too much. I don’t know if this is a straw that’s broke the camels back situation. I could’ve done without spending all this money on clothes and presents and feel like it’s not even appreciated just finding fault in things my dc should be grateful for. Before anyone piles on, I know they don’t have to be “grateful” for the basics but it just seems so spoiled to me to be causing such a fuss over a fucking outfit and hairstyle. And no new clothes for Xmas day aren’t negotiable where we come from.

writing it now seems like such a none issue but it’s irked me.

The pressure to look 'pretty' at just age 6. Come on OP, surely you want to do better than this for your daughter.

Children don’t have to do as they’re told for the sheer sake of it, though, do they? They have to do as they’re told because we’re responsible for their safety and wellbeing, and we try to make decisions responsibly and do what’s best for them. Pulling the “do as you’re told” card over something like this, purely to satisfy the mother’s vanity, is an abuse of power and undermines the trust that’s needed between parents and children if they are going to do as we say when there’s actually a good reason.

Who gets to dictate how you wear your hair on Christmas Day, OP?

YABVU

If she doesnt want it loose, let her tie it up. Does she even WANT long hair?

My youngest daughter is an extreme tomboy. A couple of years ago DH took her to the barbers with my son and she asked to have it all cut off and DH agreed to it. I was sad at first because she used to have the most beautiful blonde curls. but she absolutely loves it. She still has very short hair now cut close to her scalp, when people see her they all assume shes a boy because there is absolutely nothing about her appearance, clothes, behaviour or way she talks thats remotely feminine (and her nickname is one thats seen as more 'boyish').

I have a lot of problems with her behaviour atm but how she likes to dress is not one of them

Why are you allowing your 6 year old to rule the roost,?

Why is having her hair tied up inappropriate for your Christmas lunch venue? That must be a pretty strict dress code!

Where do you come from that new clothes are non-negotiable for Christmas? Even the royals rewear stuff for Christmas.

Let her do what feels right for her.
I had long, naturally blonde hair until my early twenties, when I blissfully got it cut just above my shoulders.
My hair was beautiful, and I definitely looked infinitely better when it was down. However, my hair was very thick, and unfortunately, made me very hot and uncomfortable. I naturally already run hot (I’m the annoying person in every situation who is constantly too hot, while everyone else is shivering to death).
Plus, long hair, while lovely as it is, does really get in the way. As a messy child, my mum was always cleaning some gunk out of my hair!

If you push this don't be surprised if she takes a pair of scissors to her hair in the future.

You love the look of her hair and it's perfectly normal to want her to love her own hair as well, but that's not where this will lead. Refusing to let her take ownership of her own hair is going to fuel her resentment, not teach her to love it. Turning her hair into a power struggle won't end well.

For both the hair and clothes - tidy and festive are the appropriate adjectives and lessons for a 6 year-old here. Your approach to teaching dress codes can be more complex as she gets older, but right now just focus on the idea of choosing something a bit special for special occasions that she feels happy in. If her track suit is a bit smarter or more festive than her everyday clothes then that's enough at her age.

And reduce the spending and focus on clothes overall. You're spending money to make both of you frustrated and unhappy.

Oh my god you are so unreasonable.

It’s her hair and her body. She is not a dress up doll.

I have a horrible memory of my Mum forcing me into a dress for a meal out on holiday in Italy. I wanted to be in smart shorts and a top like my brothers. I still feel badly about it now as an adult and it would have meant a lot to me to be allowed to dress as I pleased.

I get a real visceral feeling when I see little girls to my eyes “done up like a dog’s dinner” - unreasonable perhaps as those girls might like it. Princess Charlotte in particular comes to me, and those tight pulled back side clips that they put in her hair. For all I know she might love it but it reminds me of unwelcome childhood hairstyles and clothing.

but it just seems so spoiled to me to be causing such a fuss over a fucking outfit and hairstyle

It does sound so ridiculous...of you. Wtaf is your problem? Let the child be.

Why does it matter . I could've written this about my DD very tomboy and at the moment into football kits and spiderman . It wouldnt even occur to me to tell her to wear her hair down for Christmas. She hates wearing her hair down . Why do you want your child to be uncomfortable on Christmas day . Let her be herself

Why by being allowed to wear what they want?

If it’s just a ‘fucking outfit and hairstyle’, why do you care so much about it?

You’re the one who’s spoiling her!

Just stop doing so when you are stretching your finances to do so.

My parents used to tell us “No I/we can’t afford that” and we just had to suck it up.

Let her wear her hair however she wants. It’s part of her personality and style forming. Let her get on with it. Dont be so controlling. Take back the Boxing Day clobber for a refund too.

New year coming. New parenting style. New boundaries and stick to it.

Pick your battles. Let her choose how to wear her own hair. Why cause upset over something so trivial

your priorities are all out of whack.

At least if you wanted her to wear a particular outfit that is something that will be vaguely relevant when she's older, in that certain places/occasions require a certain way of dressing.

but in the real world, the way she styles her hair is never going to be an issue.

"no new clothes for Xmas day aren’t negotiable where we come from"
What do you mean, where we come from? Who are you even "negotiating" with about something so minor and utterly irrelevant.

Christmas day is supposed to be about celebrating with family, not creating completely unnecessary aggro about ridiculous non-issues.

If it’s just “a fucking outfit and hairstyle” why are you being so awful about it? Leave the poor girl alone - she’s 6 and Christmas is about to be ruined because her mother is sulking about her hair being tied up!! Do you realise how absolutely ridiculous that sounds?

Would she actually prefer her hair cut short? If she would, that’s what she should have.

Also if she were a boy would you be fussing like this?

What would be smarter about her hair being down? A neat and tidy ponytail (which is what a slick back is) is no scruffier surely?

She's 6, this is not a battle I would be considering

This cannot be a real post.

What is it about Christmas that turns people into this?

As long as she’s clean and well presented, let her be.

but it just seems so spoiled to me to be causing such a fuss over a fucking outfit and hairstyle

So why are you causing such a fuss?

There's nothing inappropriate about a ponytail hairstyle (and clearly nothing wrong with the outfit as you bought it) so why are you determinedly trying to make her more "girly" by insisting on a different hairstyle?
What's the thinking behind that?

I have naturally curly hair and it took me until my mid 30s to actually like it, primarily due to absolutely detesting it as a child due to my grandparents (they brought me up) insistence that I always have a it long and wear it down for special occasions. I had it chopped short (as in pixie short) the first second I was allowed to choose for myself.

Wow!! Sorry op but this is batshit.

I think you had a very unusual upbringing and that’s where all this is borne from.

the idea of my parents telling me what to wear - ever -, or me to tell my children what to wear or how to do their hair - ever is utterly alien to me.

you said ‘you let your dc wear want they want usually’ as if that’s something unique or to be proud of. OF COURSE, children at 6 years old wear whatever they want!!

I am far more comfy, and much more relaxed and happy in comfy clothes. To me that means close that feel comfy. There is NO WAY I’d enjoy dressing up for Christmas and I wouldn’t want to go anyway that told me to.

She will end up resenting you if you carry on down this road. I’d hate my mum if she did this to me. Let me guess, you want her to look a certain way for a picture perfect social media post? Is your family image more important to you than your daughter’s feelings?