Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To make my daughter wear her hair down on Xmas day

365 replies

Namechangesecretsignature · 23/12/2025 19:58

I really don’t think I’m bu in these circumstances. Normally with something like this I’d think someone was unreasonable but hear me out

DD 6 has the most beautiful curly hair, it’s the most amazing colour whenever she comes to the hairdressers with me they’re in awe at it, both the colour and texture. DD is a major Tom boy, and my parenting style is very much live and let live, pick your battles sort of thing.

however, due to this my dc are used to having free reign on what they wear/do/eat/go to etc. my dc choose their own outfits each day and pretty such always have done. Dd is now especially hard to buy clothes for as alls she wants to wear is blue, black, grey, navy, or dark green. Wouldn’t dream of a dress, has a real issue with jeans, and won’t wear boots or anything. She has chosen a blue designer tracksuit to wear on Xmas day that is navy blue (it’s slightly “girlier” for once as has little shoulder pads and tapered bottoms). We are very much a dress up for Xmas day family and this year after COUNTLESS chopping and changing of plans it’s now been arranged that we’re going out for Xmas. Dd adamant she wants to wear her tracksuit (and has had a meltdown about the clothes I’ve bought her for Boxing Day). I’ve told her if she’s going to wear the tracksuit then I’ll be styling her hair and she won’t be wearing her usual go to style of a slick back pony tail to “dress up” a bit for Xmas day. She’s had an absolute meltdown and whilst this is something I wouldn’t normally care about, something in me is saying to stick to my guns. I accept and fully embrace that she doesn’t and probably will never dress in the way I’d love to dress her (I’m a real girly girl) but do I let her have too much say?

FWIW, I’ve told her that when I was young I didn’t get a say in what I was wearing where we were going and certainly not how my hair was styled. I think I’m further irritated by the kick off over her Boxing Day clothes. She won’t go to the shops with me so I’ve traipsed around the shops myself yesterday to find something she’d like. Smart and not girly but trendy and funky in colours she approves of. I’m struggling financially at the moment and the pressure of Christmas is just getting too much. I don’t know if this is a straw that’s broke the camels back situation. I could’ve done without spending all this money on clothes and presents and feel like it’s not even appreciated just finding fault in things my dc should be grateful for. Before anyone piles on, I know they don’t have to be “grateful” for the basics but it just seems so spoiled to me to be causing such a fuss over a fucking outfit and hairstyle. And no new clothes for Xmas day aren’t negotiable where we come from.

writing it now seems like such a none issue but it’s irked me.

OP posts:
Namechangesecretsignature · 23/12/2025 20:14

NoelEdmondsHairGel · 23/12/2025 20:11

Sounds very controlling and appearance-focussed. We never required our boys to dress up for Christmas or do anything special with their hair (haha!) at that age. The brief was for them to be clean and comfortable and to enjoy themselves which unfortunately seems to be a far cry from your priorities.

It’s nothing to do with her being a girl and apply the same to my son.

OP posts:
LighthouseLED · 23/12/2025 20:15

Namechangesecretsignature · 23/12/2025 20:14

It’s nothing to do with her being a girl and apply the same to my son.

Are you making them wear their hair down as well?

SuperSharpShooter · 23/12/2025 20:16

Clean and tidy thats all that matters OP.
No need for outfits for days, especially if you're skint. Stop making more work for yourself!

On another note; stop obsessing (and alowing others) about her hair
All the coments and touching, eerrgh. It literally grows from her head and she has little control over that, stop making it a 'thing'

Stop making loads of things 'things'.

Pricelessadvice · 23/12/2025 20:16

Don’t force your daughter to be uncomfortable all day just because you want her to be a girlie girl.

MysteryNameChange · 23/12/2025 20:16

If your in Liverpool lots of families don't do new clothes for Xmas day. I do some years and not others. It's a waste of money if they're clothes you won't get any use out of, your making Christmas more stressful for yourself. If she likes being a boyish scruff let her be comfortable and happy over Christmas.

stargirl1701 · 23/12/2025 20:17

YABU.

It’s her hair, it’s her choice. Her choices are not a reflection of you as a parent. She is a person.

Tearsofthemushroom · 23/12/2025 20:18

When I was 24 my ‘DM’ slapped me across the face because I didn’t want to dress up for Christmas dinner. When does it end?

MsTiggy · 23/12/2025 20:18

Yes YABVU to make her wear her hair down. If she prefers her hair to be tied back, what is the problem with that? You can ignore her and see how forcing her goes but I think you already know how that will pan out. Much ado about nothing OP.

StrictlyAFemaleFemale · 23/12/2025 20:19

But you don't have to dress up for Christmas day though, unless you're going to church at Sandringham. Surely she can learn this etiquette lesson somewhere else? Does she have a uniform for school? Rainbows or beavers? A particular kit for a sport?

arcticpandas · 23/12/2025 20:19

She's 6! There is no dress code at 6! She needs to be clean and proper that's all. @Namechangesecretsignature please just let her be happy

Zanatdy · 23/12/2025 20:21

I voted YABU but my DD did not have as much freedom at 6 that she would be turning down a flower girl invite due to dress code. Kids do need to learn there’s a time and place and I wouldn’t be wondering around shops looking for outfits only for her to not to like them. I was glad my only DD did love to wear dresses (as had 2 sons before her so enjoyed the dresses / tights etc).

NoelEdmondsHairGel · 23/12/2025 20:21

Namechangesecretsignature · 23/12/2025 20:14

It’s nothing to do with her being a girl and apply the same to my son.

You require him to grow his hair into a style he doesn’t like and you force him into clothes he hates?

sprigatito · 23/12/2025 20:21

Namechangesecretsignature · 23/12/2025 20:14

This is what I suggested. So that it’s not in her face. It was a resounding no!

And thank you for understanding, this is exactly my issue. She needs to know (as do all kids) about dress codes. She dresses and styles herself however she wants for school, outings etc. she’s got oodles of choice with everything. But there comes a time when certain things aren’t appropriate. She’s been asked to be a flower girl at my brothers wedding and has outright refused due to the dress code; things like that are hard to manage I’m torn between get on with it and well it will make her uncomfortable

Parents always seem to trot out this line about dress codes, and it’s really not valid. There are very, very few situations in which an adult woman is forced to perform femininity against her will. Being clean, tidy and presentable is adequate in the vast majority of jobs, restaurants, social environments. No adult woman has to be a bridesmaid if she doesn’t want to, and if she hates the dress requirements she can either decline or negotiate with the bride.

Unless you are planning for your daughter to have a career at Hooters, it’s unlikely she will ever be required to wear her hair down, or adapt her taste in clothing to make it more overtly girly.

ClaredeBear · 23/12/2025 20:22

I can understand why you’d like her to have her lovely hair down for just one day but perhaps this is the wrong day. Maybe she’ll reconsider another time, when things are more relaxed.

TeenLifeMum · 23/12/2025 20:23

She’s 6, plenty of time for dress codes but this is not the year. I’ve said no jeans on Christmas Day - dd1 lives in jeans and was slightly panicked but I have given her notice and money to buy an outfit! Dd1 is 17 and respectful, as am I, but I was a total pain about clothes when I was 3-9 years old and had to be bribed into trousers for fireworks night 😆

DahlsChickenz · 23/12/2025 20:23

YABU. Your preferences shouldn't take precedence over hers when it comes to her own body. It's really important to give her autonomy over things like this. And truly it's not a hill to die on; your views on her appearance aren't better or more relevant than her own. She gets to decide on her own hairstyle.

SusiQ18472638 · 23/12/2025 20:23

Can’t imagine forcing my daughter into clothes or hairstyles that cause her to have a meltdown. She’s a person not a doll.

gamerchick · 23/12/2025 20:24

You need to be careful OP. Of you'll find her sitting in her room one day with a pair of scissors and a pile of hair around her.

Please stop trying to control her like that.

FantasiaTurquoise · 23/12/2025 20:24

It will only get worse as she gets older and wants to assert her identity and it's her hair so if you make it into a battle it's one you will always lose. Don't let having her hair down be the thing she has to do to please you, or she'll end up putting it up just to differentiate. Just tell her she looks lovely however her hair is. My DD also has curls and embraced them in the end because her friends praised them, not me!

Anonomoso · 23/12/2025 20:24

however, due to this my dc are used to having free reign on what they wear/do/eat/go to etc.

Then your DD will continue to have free reign and choose to do as she pleases.

Dinosaurhearmeroar · 23/12/2025 20:24

Amiunemployable · 23/12/2025 20:06

FGS, OP.

Let your poor daughter wear what she wants and have her hair how she wants.

Stop wasting money on outfits she doesn't like or want.

Let her be herself. Seriously. You actually sound awful. And I feel sad for your kid.

So unnecessary. What will telling OP that she’s awful achieve? Deeply unhelpful and such a mean remark based on a post!

cobrakaieaglefang · 23/12/2025 20:24

Im amazed she has pony tail length hair as she's tomboy style. As a 70s tomboy I had my hair cut as short as I could get away with.
I had battles over clothes.Only time I got a slap was refusing to wear a dress for visiting relatives to deliver Xmas presents. I won!
My own daughter is far more girly than I was or am.

cariadlet · 23/12/2025 20:24

You have quoted the one poster who has agreed with you and ignored the dozens who have told you to respect your daughter's opinions instead of treating her like a doll. 🙄

I don't understand why you spent time and money (when you said that you are struggling financially) on new clothes for Boxing Day when you must have known that your daughter wouldn't have been interested in them. You seem surprised that she doesn't appreciate something that she didn't ask for and didn't want.

You seem to have brought a lot of unnecessary stress on yourself by worrying about appearances. Who do you think is going to criticise you if your dd just dresses how she wants?

SouthernNights59 · 23/12/2025 20:25

She's a person in her own right, not a doll. Let her dress and wear her hair as she chooses. Christmas shouldn't be this dramatic.

JoshLymanSwagger · 23/12/2025 20:26

My bloody mother always told me how to have my hair.

I stopped listening to anything she had to say at about 12.

Pick your battles.

This is not one you will win.

Return the unworn clothes and use the money for something she will wear.

eta "She’s been asked to be a flower girl at my brothers wedding and has outright refused due to the dress code"

I was TOLD by my mother that I was a bridesmaid for a slightly older cousin. I wish I had your Daughters gumption!
I hated every minute and never wore a dress again.

When I got married, it was in a black trouser suit.