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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To make my daughter wear her hair down on Xmas day

365 replies

Namechangesecretsignature · 23/12/2025 19:58

I really don’t think I’m bu in these circumstances. Normally with something like this I’d think someone was unreasonable but hear me out

DD 6 has the most beautiful curly hair, it’s the most amazing colour whenever she comes to the hairdressers with me they’re in awe at it, both the colour and texture. DD is a major Tom boy, and my parenting style is very much live and let live, pick your battles sort of thing.

however, due to this my dc are used to having free reign on what they wear/do/eat/go to etc. my dc choose their own outfits each day and pretty such always have done. Dd is now especially hard to buy clothes for as alls she wants to wear is blue, black, grey, navy, or dark green. Wouldn’t dream of a dress, has a real issue with jeans, and won’t wear boots or anything. She has chosen a blue designer tracksuit to wear on Xmas day that is navy blue (it’s slightly “girlier” for once as has little shoulder pads and tapered bottoms). We are very much a dress up for Xmas day family and this year after COUNTLESS chopping and changing of plans it’s now been arranged that we’re going out for Xmas. Dd adamant she wants to wear her tracksuit (and has had a meltdown about the clothes I’ve bought her for Boxing Day). I’ve told her if she’s going to wear the tracksuit then I’ll be styling her hair and she won’t be wearing her usual go to style of a slick back pony tail to “dress up” a bit for Xmas day. She’s had an absolute meltdown and whilst this is something I wouldn’t normally care about, something in me is saying to stick to my guns. I accept and fully embrace that she doesn’t and probably will never dress in the way I’d love to dress her (I’m a real girly girl) but do I let her have too much say?

FWIW, I’ve told her that when I was young I didn’t get a say in what I was wearing where we were going and certainly not how my hair was styled. I think I’m further irritated by the kick off over her Boxing Day clothes. She won’t go to the shops with me so I’ve traipsed around the shops myself yesterday to find something she’d like. Smart and not girly but trendy and funky in colours she approves of. I’m struggling financially at the moment and the pressure of Christmas is just getting too much. I don’t know if this is a straw that’s broke the camels back situation. I could’ve done without spending all this money on clothes and presents and feel like it’s not even appreciated just finding fault in things my dc should be grateful for. Before anyone piles on, I know they don’t have to be “grateful” for the basics but it just seems so spoiled to me to be causing such a fuss over a fucking outfit and hairstyle. And no new clothes for Xmas day aren’t negotiable where we come from.

writing it now seems like such a none issue but it’s irked me.

OP posts:
tiredofchristmas · 23/12/2025 20:27

As a mother of a (now adult) similar daughter I strongly suggest you get a grip. You seem overly invested in what she looks like. It’s grim. You’re teaching her that looks are the most important thing. They’re not. As others have said she’s 6 not a doll. If you’re taking a 6 year old anywhere with a dress code then you are taking them somewhere inappropriate. Tell her if she wants to be a flower girl then she has to wear a dress, then leave her be when she says she doesn’t want to be one. Forcing her is horrid, again, keep reminding yourself she’s not a doll. My in laws used to try to force my daughter to wear dresses and she found it SO DISRESPECTFUL it has really marred their relationship with her.

I always let my daughter wear whatever the wanted. I let her cut all her hair to very short and have everyone mistake her for a boy. She was quite happy. She decided of her own accord to change her appearance to look more feminine aged about 17.

Dinosaurhearmeroar · 23/12/2025 20:27

Fwiw op I just think this has pissed you off because you’re at the end of your tether. If it was a different time of year with a lot less pressure I don’t think you would care at all. It’s all about circumstances here and I think this was just the nail in the coffin for you. I think yabu as it rly doesn’t matter and I think you will see that once we come out of this ridiculous Christmas madness! ❤️

paddleboardingmum · 23/12/2025 20:27

She's a whole separate person not an extension of you. As are your sons. It all sounds very controlling and odd, let them make their own choices. YABU

LarryUnderwood · 23/12/2025 20:27

Unreasonable and really not 'live and let live'. A smart tracksuit and tidy ponytail can be perfectly smart for a 6 year old. You need to unclench.

JudgeBread · 23/12/2025 20:28

My mam pushed me like this too because my hair was long and curly and beautiful and I preferred to have it tied back. I shaved my head when I was 10. Don't push her into pushing back. She doesn't need to know about dress codes at 6, she needs to know you respect her autonomy as a human being, which you apparently don't.

Taweofterror · 23/12/2025 20:28

I actually get the dressing appropriately thing and I agree with your approach op on trying to make it as comfortable for her as possible in that you're not forcing her into a dress. I just don't see how hair down fits into that? As long as it's neat and tidy, why does it need to be down other than to show off her curls?

And personally, if I wanted a niece as a flower girl at my wedding and she didn't like dresses I'd happily compromise. Again, she's not a doll to add to the theme or vision of the wedding, she's a presumably much loved family member who they want to give a special role to.

RightSheSaid · 23/12/2025 20:29

just seems so spoiled to me to be causing such a fuss over a fucking outfit and hairstyle.

You are ruining Christmas over an outfit and hairstyle. She's allowed to feel comfortable and happy in her clothing and her body. Just because shit was forced on you as a child doesn't make it okay. I was forced to kiss and hug every "auntie and uncle" that entered our house and had no body autonomy at all. That doesn't mean I should raise my kids the same. Instead of trying to control and impose your self and your on your child maybe be proud of the fact that she has her own sense of self, style and the courage to voice her opinion. If she was wearing something inappropriate, I might get it but it's joggers.

babytum · 23/12/2025 20:29

I think it’s nothing to do with the hair style at all.
I think you afford so much freedom of choice that the one time you ask for a bit of compromise and compliance there’s a meltdown. I think the reason your gut is telling you not to let this one go is because it’s an opportunity to learn sometimes you have to do as you are told.
I get that, because the consequence of so much freedom should be, on the rare occasion they are asked to row in is compliance.
I’m not agreeing or disagreeing about the hair, you are her mother and you know how important it is to you and sometimes she must do as she is told.
I think you are worn thin with the work that goes into making Christmas happen and she doesn’t understand or appreciate and then kicks off over clothes she refused to choose.
But she’s only 6 so you aren’t going to get a lot of reasonable behaviour out of her 😂😂 Best of luck to you both!
In time you will be so very proud of her head strong and dogmatic attitude (when it’s not being aimed at you). Have a lovely Christmas , hair up or hair down……

MILLYmo0se · 23/12/2025 20:29

Do you have curly hair? Do you think curly hair in its natural state isn't 'good enough' for being dressed up/is messy and unkempt looking?

2024TN · 23/12/2025 20:29

I understand that this time of year is stressful, but you need to learn to orient the daughter you have, not the one you wanted/ thought you would have.

TeaRoseTallulah · 23/12/2025 20:30

Stop with the drama, people really do not dress up like they used to so she won't look out of place at all plus she's SIX ffs. Honestly, stop making life difficult for yourself, she's not a dolly. Carry on like this and she's likely to chop it all off as soon as she's old enough to get herself to the hairdressers!

ReturnToRiding · 23/12/2025 20:30

Leave her alone, Jesus

Sassylovesbooks · 23/12/2025 20:30

You fully admit to having a relaxed parenting style, as in your children can wear/eat/go what/where they want. Your daughter isn't used to you telling her what she can or can't do. So the fact she's had a meltdown over you saying she's got to wear particular clothes or wear her hair down, isn't surprising. Honestly, let your daughter wear the outfit she's chosen - she's 6, it's not a huge deal. As for her hair, if she doesn't like wearing it down, then just let her wear it up. Far better to have a happy daughter who's comfortable, than one who's miserable on Christmas Day.

ALunchbox · 23/12/2025 20:30

Your poor daughter.

Luckyingame · 23/12/2025 20:31

Yes, of course. 😊
Start "making" your kid comply with your personal preferences. My generation were brought up like this, so that's alright!
I moved to another country as soon as I could and left my "parents" to their resources.
46 now, one of the best decision I made.
Just saying....

TableRunners · 23/12/2025 20:31

it just seems so spoiled to me to be causing such a fuss over a fucking outfit and hairstyle

You're right OP, you shouldn't be kicking up such a fuss. You can't encourage children to know their own minds, then have a strop when they actually do.

FinallyHere · 23/12/2025 20:32

Why, why, why are you doing this.

Honestly, what do you get out of it.

theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 23/12/2025 20:32

I wouldn't let my son or daughter wear a tracksuit on Christmas Day, I have to say, but families are different, so no reason you shouldn't.

I can't see any scenario where it's unreasonable to wear her hair back though? There's nothing wrong with a pony tail.

It sounds like you are a bit overwhelmed OP, so take a deep breath and pick your battles - let the ponytail be.

It does sound like you are spending money you don't have/running around after your kids' whims too much. She's only 6, so now is a good time to break that pattern.

kenadams5 · 23/12/2025 20:32

She’s a child, an individual. Not an accessory.

TeaRoseTallulah · 23/12/2025 20:32

Namechangesecretsignature · 23/12/2025 20:14

This is what I suggested. So that it’s not in her face. It was a resounding no!

And thank you for understanding, this is exactly my issue. She needs to know (as do all kids) about dress codes. She dresses and styles herself however she wants for school, outings etc. she’s got oodles of choice with everything. But there comes a time when certain things aren’t appropriate. She’s been asked to be a flower girl at my brothers wedding and has outright refused due to the dress code; things like that are hard to manage I’m torn between get on with it and well it will make her uncomfortable

She's doesn't need to learn anything, I ate in a five star hotel in London last week and must people we're in trainers.

BernardButlersBra · 23/12/2025 20:32

Controlling much? I have 2 daughters and l don't control how they have their hair. They have their own thoughts and own opinions so no need 🙄. Plus it's their hair

tiredofchristmas · 23/12/2025 20:33

Oh and my daughter wore a suit to a wedding aged 16 and looked INCREDIBLE. All of her cousins had been forced into dresses and were so ridiculously jealous of all of the complements she was getting. And she was so happy in what she was wearing she was really glowing. Great day.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 23/12/2025 20:33

Namechangesecretsignature · 23/12/2025 20:14

It’s nothing to do with her being a girl and apply the same to my son.

Then why have you spunked money you don't have on a tracksuit with tapered legs and fucking shoulder pads because it looks more 'girly' (ie, useless for playing football in)?

Xmasbaby11 · 23/12/2025 20:33

YABU but I know where you're coming from. I have 2dd and let them wear what they want as long as it's practical. They are 11 and 13 now and when they were little would occasionally wear cute dresses (they chose) but never wanted their hair styling, matching shoes or anything like that. As long as they were neat and clean I didn't insist but inside would have loved to dress them up! they are not dolls so I didn't .. but I get the urge! I'm sure I'd have felt the same with boys but it's definitely important that girls don't feel they have to dress a certain way or look 'pretty'.

outerspacepotato · 23/12/2025 20:34

Bodily autonomy matters.

Her hair, she wears it how she wants. You want to dress her up and show her off like a show pony for you, not for her.