To make my daughter wear her hair down on Xmas day

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I really don’t think I’m bu in these circumstances. Normally with something like this I’d think someone was unreasonable but hear me out

DD 6 has the most beautiful curly hair, it’s the most amazing colour whenever she comes to the hairdressers with me they’re in awe at it, both the colour and texture. DD is a major Tom boy, and my parenting style is very much live and let live, pick your battles sort of thing.

however, due to this my dc are used to having free reign on what they wear/do/eat/go to etc. my dc choose their own outfits each day and pretty such always have done. Dd is now especially hard to buy clothes for as alls she wants to wear is blue, black, grey, navy, or dark green. Wouldn’t dream of a dress, has a real issue with jeans, and won’t wear boots or anything. She has chosen a blue designer tracksuit to wear on Xmas day that is navy blue (it’s slightly “girlier” for once as has little shoulder pads and tapered bottoms). We are very much a dress up for Xmas day family and this year after COUNTLESS chopping and changing of plans it’s now been arranged that we’re going out for Xmas. Dd adamant she wants to wear her tracksuit (and has had a meltdown about the clothes I’ve bought her for Boxing Day). I’ve told her if she’s going to wear the tracksuit then I’ll be styling her hair and she won’t be wearing her usual go to style of a slick back pony tail to “dress up” a bit for Xmas day. She’s had an absolute meltdown and whilst this is something I wouldn’t normally care about, something in me is saying to stick to my guns. I accept and fully embrace that she doesn’t and probably will never dress in the way I’d love to dress her (I’m a real girly girl) but do I let her have too much say?

FWIW, I’ve told her that when I was young I didn’t get a say in what I was wearing where we were going and certainly not how my hair was styled. I think I’m further irritated by the kick off over her Boxing Day clothes. She won’t go to the shops with me so I’ve traipsed around the shops myself yesterday to find something she’d like. Smart and not girly but trendy and funky in colours she approves of. I’m struggling financially at the moment and the pressure of Christmas is just getting too much. I don’t know if this is a straw that’s broke the camels back situation. I could’ve done without spending all this money on clothes and presents and feel like it’s not even appreciated just finding fault in things my dc should be grateful for. Before anyone piles on, I know they don’t have to be “grateful” for the basics but it just seems so spoiled to me to be causing such a fuss over a fucking outfit and hairstyle. And no new clothes for Xmas day aren’t negotiable where we come from.

writing it now seems like such a none issue but it’s irked me.

She’s a person not a doll. It’s her choice.

Life is going to be a real shock for your kids.

Not necessarily. My mum hasn’t even heard of Instagram but makes everyone dress up.

When she’s not there we wear PJs.

I genuinely thought you to talking about a 12/13 year old - but 6?

Are you giving her products for this ‘slick back’ look?

Listen to yourself! The way you describe her tracksuit with its ‘little shoulder pads and tapered bottoms’ is just weird! Why does it matter at all?

I’d start bagging up the designer stuff she doesn’t want and selling it! Then buy her some of the cheaper items she wants!

You are being extremely unreasonable. She's a human being not a doll.
I understand your sadness as my middle daughter can be very set on what she wears and so sometimes looks what I feel, is a mess. However I would never force her to wear something she was truly unhappy about wearing as I think that's traumatic. I would also never comment negatively on her outfit choices or hairstyle choices unless there was a real safety or health issue. Like she was trying to wear a summer dress in the snow for example or wearing heels to go climbing etc Children need self esteem and confidence. They need to feel comfortable and in control of their image. It's so hard to grow up as a girl. I remember being so self conscious myself. I remember that there's nothing worse than being dressed in something that feels like a ridiculous costume.
Please dont do this to her

OP, sorry but you have made a rod for your own back and this is the consequence. The same thing was happening with my youngest and her choice of clothes became all about tracksuits! It got to the point where she would be texting me about her upcoming 21st & showing me the outfit she picked which was so not the right type of outfit for her body shape.

i had managed to get her to agree that I would buy a few outfits of my choice. A couple of days before the holiday she came home to pack. I gave her all the clothes I had brought and asked her to try the burgundy outfit I had bought first. At first I had the usual complaining about the colour & style etc anyway her Dad piped up and told her to go try it on. So we are sitting in the living room & all we can hear is OMG OMG & we looked at one another and just smiled. She walked into the living room with the biggest smile we had ever seen from her. It was a top and skirt co ord from Hush that just looked fabulous on her and she happily accepted the other outfits without any peep from her.

Her 21st bday was the best bday she had. I had styled her whole outfit, done her hair and I know I am being biased but she honestly looked amazing. Every picture of her in that outfit she adores and now I have a daughter who trusts me when I say you will look amazing. She was even so apologetic for the way she had behaved about her clothes for the holiday.

Now we have a conversation about clothes she needs and what events she is attending and together we brainstorm and I buy the clothes she needs. She openly admits that she was behaving like a brat and asks how did we put up with that behaviour from her. She even admitted that she would not have looked twice at her bday outfit had she seen it in the shop. Trust me when I say it was painful at the beginning getting her to look at different clothing styles. I am not a stylist but I know what clothes suit her and now I have finally managed to get her away from all those oversized tracksuits she was obsessed with in favour of a much better fitted tracksuit with tapered bottoms. It can be done OP but you have to show them the vision for them to see that what you are suggesting will make them look & feel great.

Sometime when you are 6 you have to do as you are told. I mostly allowed my children to wear what they wanted. However for some occasions there would be no arguement. I chose. You seem to have not enforced those boundaries early enough and now you have a problem.

If you make her wear her hair down, halfway through the day it will end up being a knotted mess, at least if she wears it up it will be tidy & she won't be constantly pushing it out of her face. Most kids of that age will spend most of the day scrambling around on the floor playing with their toys, let her be comfortable.

As a rule, I'm in favour of treating my DC how I like to be treated.

I don't want anyone telling me how I should wear my hair, so whilst I can express a preference, I have no wish to tell my DC how to wear their hair.

"it just seems so spoiled to me to be causing such a fuss over a fucking outfit and hairstyle"
This, except you, not her. She isn't spoiled to want to wear clothes and her hair the way she likes them.
If she doesn't always like the clothes you pick, don't shop for them without her (even just show her options online first) so that you don't waste money on close won't wear.

What do you make your sons do? This is why girls think they don't want to be girls any more
Because their parents think their role in life is to be a dress up doll to please other people. I hope she gets a buzz cut as soon as she can to teach you she should have autonomy over her own body.

Christ on a bike 🙄

My dd can’t wear hair down due to sensory issues. It’s not just about looks but about comfort too.

Why? At what point in life is the OP’s daughter going to be forced to wear her hair down when she doesn’t want to?

One of the most difficult things I learnt about being a parent is that your children are not your little clones. Sometimes a parent and a child are very similar - I certainly considered I was with my mother. I discovered that my eldest child was wildly different from me. What was important to me was not even a consideration for him. I caused us all a huge amount of stress by not accepting you can't retrofit a child into your idea of what is appropriate (even if you are absolutely convinced you are right).

My mother had been much wiser than I was. In retrospect I can see she must have been disappointed in me in some respects. She came from a family well known for their sporting prowess. I don't mean they were a bit good at sport - my cousin was internationally famous in a sport and described with words in the press such as "legendary". (No, I have no intention of revealing any further details at all about this.) I was an absolute duffer at sport. Balls just sailed past me while my mother yelled to watch the ball! . My mother encouraged my bookish ways and gave the strong impression that sports weren't important. She never tried to make me sporty because she realised that was not my strong suit even though it was hers. She was proud of my academic success.

When I was busily trying to remake one of my children in my own image, my mother totally accepted their choices and was very supportive. My children truly grieved when she died. I think she was an exemplary example of acceptance both as a mother and as a grandmother. It took me a long time to rebuild my relationship with my child and I am grateful I had the chance to do so. Be my mother, not me.

Get.A.Grip.

My DD has had soooo many different hairstyles. At 14 she went into Boots and bought an electric razor and shaved her head - I mean ALL of the hair.

She's had all the colours of the rainbow as well. I've had to bite my lip more than once about the tattoos and piercings but she's nearly 21 now - so yeah - hard cheese love.

Get used to the fact your DD is not an extension of you. She is her own person. All this bollocks about choosing her outfit for a certain day - she's not a fricking doll. I hate that for girls (and boys) - what utter shite. The only exception might possibly be for a wedding or some formal event. Christmas and Boxing Day are not formal events.

My mum used to make us wear the clothes she chose when we were little and did our hair how she wanted. I was also a tomboy and I always remember being uncomfortable and upset. I just wanted to feel like me but I wasn’t allowed to. Just let her do what she wants. I now love dressing up and prefer skirts and dresses over trousers.

Why is “hair down” appropriate but “hair back” not?

Imagine if someone wanted to choose your outfit and hair style as if you didn't have a brain and a personality and an opinion 🫣

If you're struggling for money, why on earth are you buying designer tracksuits for a 6 year old? Why on earth does a 6 year old need a designer tracksuit at all? Are you loading product into her hair to achieve this slicked back look?

Why does it matter if she wears a tracksuit? Why does it matter if she ties her hair up? She isn't a little dollie for you to dress up for a big day. She's a little human and that little human is telling you loud and clear that she has no interest in being your mini me.

No bloody wonder. Growing up with someone so appearance focused and heavily invested in gender roles (as you obviously are. Do you have sons? I bet if you did they wouldn't be wearing full suits for Christmas day would they? Are designer tracksuits okay for them as they're boys?) must be exhausting.

Imagine how you would feel if you were coerced by someone you love into wearing something that made you feel self conscious and uncomfortable on a day that is supposed to be fun. Let her be herself!

As an aside - I find it bizarre that you're not only planning but buying special outfits for Boxing Day. You've said yourself you're struggling for money, so why are you doing that? I don't think I've ever bought my children Boxing Day clothes and we can more than afford it. They don't have new clothes for Christmas Day either. Neither will I or DH. It's not a day to dress up and parade - it's a day to be comfortable, especially for the children. Same goes for Boxing Day, restaurant or not.

What's even stranger to me is that you're not only planning clothes like it's a military task, but also hairstyles. Why? I have no idea what either DD or DS will do with their (long) hair come Christmas or Boxing Day (which is my birthday so there'll be a party at home). Why would I? I don't even know what I'll do with my bloody hair! It's a short pixie now but even when it was long, I don't think I ever planned a hairstyle until I had clothes on!

Different bloody planet.

Your daughter is going to grow up resenting you massively if you keep up with this nonsense. You're unbelievably appearance-centric and it isn't doing your DD, you, or your bank account any favours.

And no new clothes for Xmas day aren’t negotiable where we come from

Where do you come from, Mars? I have never heard of this.

Umm.

Quote:

' it just seems so spoiled to me to be causing such a fuss over a fucking outfit and hairstyle.'

It does. So, why are you doing it, Op?