To make my daughter wear her hair down on Xmas day

[Namechangesecretsignature]

I really don’t think I’m bu in these circumstances. Normally with something like this I’d think someone was unreasonable but hear me out

DD 6 has the most beautiful curly hair, it’s the most amazing colour whenever she comes to the hairdressers with me they’re in awe at it, both the colour and texture. DD is a major Tom boy, and my parenting style is very much live and let live, pick your battles sort of thing.

however, due to this my dc are used to having free reign on what they wear/do/eat/go to etc. my dc choose their own outfits each day and pretty such always have done. Dd is now especially hard to buy clothes for as alls she wants to wear is blue, black, grey, navy, or dark green. Wouldn’t dream of a dress, has a real issue with jeans, and won’t wear boots or anything. She has chosen a blue designer tracksuit to wear on Xmas day that is navy blue (it’s slightly “girlier” for once as has little shoulder pads and tapered bottoms). We are very much a dress up for Xmas day family and this year after COUNTLESS chopping and changing of plans it’s now been arranged that we’re going out for Xmas. Dd adamant she wants to wear her tracksuit (and has had a meltdown about the clothes I’ve bought her for Boxing Day). I’ve told her if she’s going to wear the tracksuit then I’ll be styling her hair and she won’t be wearing her usual go to style of a slick back pony tail to “dress up” a bit for Xmas day. She’s had an absolute meltdown and whilst this is something I wouldn’t normally care about, something in me is saying to stick to my guns. I accept and fully embrace that she doesn’t and probably will never dress in the way I’d love to dress her (I’m a real girly girl) but do I let her have too much say?

FWIW, I’ve told her that when I was young I didn’t get a say in what I was wearing where we were going and certainly not how my hair was styled. I think I’m further irritated by the kick off over her Boxing Day clothes. She won’t go to the shops with me so I’ve traipsed around the shops myself yesterday to find something she’d like. Smart and not girly but trendy and funky in colours she approves of. I’m struggling financially at the moment and the pressure of Christmas is just getting too much. I don’t know if this is a straw that’s broke the camels back situation. I could’ve done without spending all this money on clothes and presents and feel like it’s not even appreciated just finding fault in things my dc should be grateful for. Before anyone piles on, I know they don’t have to be “grateful” for the basics but it just seems so spoiled to me to be causing such a fuss over a fucking outfit and hairstyle. And no new clothes for Xmas day aren’t negotiable where we come from.

writing it now seems like such a none issue but it’s irked me.

My daughter is autistic and has a lot of sensory challenges. I used to force her to wear things for occasions and I genuinely can’t work out why it was so important to me. It ruined so many occasions as the best possible outcome was that I ‘won’ and she was uncomfortable for the day. Which is an odd result to celebrate. I did make my son wear not joggers recently - we found stretchy cords and a polo shirt and he was fine. My daughter is so uncomfortable all the time so making it worse felt more and more ridiculous to me each time. So now I just let her be.

would she prefer short hair? Easier to keep out of her face?

I also wonder what will be next OP. Will it be you need your nails, eyebrows, eyelashes, botox done for that or this event 🤔 (Or man). If it is starting at 6 with judging a ponytail this could be a slippery slope.
Please let's fight back for our daughters, all of them. And stamp down hard and early on the idea that your worth is determined by what you look like or what you wear. Feminism hasn't fought so hard or come so far for nothing.

I remember once going to a wedding and there was a twenty something woman there wearing flat red converse shoes. With a posh dress, it matched. I remember thinking how utterly awesome she was, as I rubbed my sore feet that night from my heels that had been agony all day. Why, why are women doing it?
Mens smart dress is comfy head to toe.
Womens smart dress is painful heels, squeezed in waists, push up bras digging in to your skin, and a wedding style hat that you have to keep your head straight for.
why are we doing it.

Weird my youngest girls are 4 and they know how they want there hair wether pigtails,plaits,up,down,slides, ribbons whatever etc and they choose for the day.

You make him wear a dress and have his hair in a way he doesn't like do you?

As long as she is clean and tidy that should be enough - YABVU. Who cares how you want her to look - she's her own person. Hair up can be just as tidy as down. Blackmailing her is unpleasant especially at Christmas. Leave the poor girl alone and let her be who she is, as long as she is dressed at a similar standard (ie smart, smart casual etc). For a wedding being a flower girl I'd tell her the expectation is that she wears a pretty dress, as unfortunately there are still traditions which dictate a specific outfit on some occasions, but she can refuse the role if she doesn't want to do it.

Flashback moment! As a child I had rather amazing hair according to all adults. Obviously to me, it was just hair. Anyway, my grandmother in particular was obsessed with it. I was rolled in front of neighbours, compared endlessly to to child actress in the 70’s series Black Beauty (yep, you read that right) she even went further and shortened my name to the name of the second character.

I had that hair cut at age 11. All off. It wasn’t flattering to be honest. But it stopped the endless, endless goings on about my hair.

Wearing appropriate clothing for the occasion has nothing to do with feminism.

I wouldn't let my sons wear a tracksuit either, so why should I let my daughter?

You keep focussing on the tracksuit but the OP has said she’s happy for her daughter to wear the tracksuit. It’s the ponytail she has an issue with. How on earth is having her hair down instead of in a ponytail got anything to do with wearing the appropriate clothing for an occasion?

Let you DD wear her hair how she feels comfortable.
I went to school with a girl & mum was the opposite. She insisted her DD wore her hair in a ponytail all the time regardless of whether they were going out, or staying at home. And another girl had a mum who wouldn't allow her to cut her hair at all (it got so long she could sit on it). As soon as both girls were old enough, they went to the hairdresser and had it all cut off.
Neither were able to forget the control their mums tried to have over their appearance (hair, clothes etc) & neither have good relationships with their mums as adults.

You’ve had lots of replies so I won’t pile on… it’s probably worth having a think about why this means so much to you. Are you worried about judgement from other family members (like your own parents), and feeling the need for everything to be ‘perfect’?
Try to focus on the things that matter - family relationships, having a lovely time together, kindness to each other. If it’s any help to know, my daughter lived in boys’ tracksuits from about 7-10 (and insisted on wearing them til they literally had holes in) but now aged 14 enjoys a wide range of clothes and styles her hair beautifully. All these things are phases and not worth getting stressed over. Try to avoid commenting on her appearance at Christmas - set yourself the goal of paying her a genuine compliment about something that matters to her (lovely manners, a funny joke, a good drawing, a thoughtfully written card etc)

Why are YOU making such a fuss about it?

I have a 6 year old daughter. I do make her brush her hair as she has it long now but it was short until she was 4. Why do you care so much? I'm interested. As these things don't bother me at all but I do sometimes think my kids are bit too scruffy.

YABU, very unreasonable and uttely ridiculous.

I don't get what you want us to hear you out about. Stuff like the fact there were countless changes of plans are nothing to do with your DD's hairstyle either. Or the fact you have spent money you can't afford on boxing day outfits. It's not her fault she has nice hair and your family like dressing up. You are putting pressure on yourself and taking it out on your daughter and now you are begrudging you 6 year old's Christmas presents because she won't tow your ridiculous unreasonable line.

The fact DD is very clear she doesn't like dresses but you would force her into something she is very clear she doesn't like

OP I think you must be from Liverpool and maybe other people don’t understand the tradition of Christmas clothes and Boxing Day clothes that happens there. It’s a Scouse thing that people in the rest of the UK don’t do - Chrissy clothes and a new trackie on Boxing Day, also Easter clothes. To the OP I get that letting your daughter make up her own mind might go against what is normal to you, but making a new normal is great (and scousers are good at it). Let her shine her light and I’m sure she’ll look gorgeous like all the girls there do.

😮

This, with knobs on!

Wearing her hair down because it's more feminine is absolutely to do with feminism...

The hair wouldn't bother me, I wouldn't let DS wear a tracksuit out for dinner though, but then I don't buy him tracksuits other than for sports.

That's a fair point. I was more thinking about any hot food being spilled/dropped on bare skin.

She's 6, she's not at an age where she needs to care about how she looks.
enjoy her, she's a baby!

if she's that clear, she'd pick something else then would she?

Can't be more open-minded that this by giving them a choice: pick smart, or wear that. Easy, stress-free and everybody is happy.

Works very well with toddlers too: don't force them, but give them a choice. 😂

YABU. My mother used to pull shit like this when I was a kid and it is really damaging.

I was also a tomboy and to me it felt like she didn't love me for me but for who she wanted me to be.

One time when I was about 11 I was wearing tracksuit pants and a t shirt to go to the cinema with my friends. My mum threw an absolute fit and started saying I was scruffy and "what would (friend's name)'s mum think of me if I let you go out wearing that?!". She then made me get changed into this skirt, sparkly top and platform sandals which I never wore and was probably one of the few "girly" things I had. What actually happened after was all of my friends laughed at me for weeks and weeks as they knew my mum had made me wear that and it wasn't what I would have chosen to wear. I still haven't forgotten how humiliated I felt.

Don't be that mum that treats your daughter like she is some kind of dress up doll.

YABVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVU

I don’t know, that’s why I asked. As you pointed out in your previous post, the child already knows to wear appropriate clothes for an occasion as she wears school uniform. So what is forcing her to wear her hair down on Christmas Day rather than in her preferred ponytail style helping her to do, in the long run?