Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make my daughter wear her hair down on Xmas day

365 replies

Namechangesecretsignature · 23/12/2025 19:58

I really don’t think I’m bu in these circumstances. Normally with something like this I’d think someone was unreasonable but hear me out

DD 6 has the most beautiful curly hair, it’s the most amazing colour whenever she comes to the hairdressers with me they’re in awe at it, both the colour and texture. DD is a major Tom boy, and my parenting style is very much live and let live, pick your battles sort of thing.

however, due to this my dc are used to having free reign on what they wear/do/eat/go to etc. my dc choose their own outfits each day and pretty such always have done. Dd is now especially hard to buy clothes for as alls she wants to wear is blue, black, grey, navy, or dark green. Wouldn’t dream of a dress, has a real issue with jeans, and won’t wear boots or anything. She has chosen a blue designer tracksuit to wear on Xmas day that is navy blue (it’s slightly “girlier” for once as has little shoulder pads and tapered bottoms). We are very much a dress up for Xmas day family and this year after COUNTLESS chopping and changing of plans it’s now been arranged that we’re going out for Xmas. Dd adamant she wants to wear her tracksuit (and has had a meltdown about the clothes I’ve bought her for Boxing Day). I’ve told her if she’s going to wear the tracksuit then I’ll be styling her hair and she won’t be wearing her usual go to style of a slick back pony tail to “dress up” a bit for Xmas day. She’s had an absolute meltdown and whilst this is something I wouldn’t normally care about, something in me is saying to stick to my guns. I accept and fully embrace that she doesn’t and probably will never dress in the way I’d love to dress her (I’m a real girly girl) but do I let her have too much say?

FWIW, I’ve told her that when I was young I didn’t get a say in what I was wearing where we were going and certainly not how my hair was styled. I think I’m further irritated by the kick off over her Boxing Day clothes. She won’t go to the shops with me so I’ve traipsed around the shops myself yesterday to find something she’d like. Smart and not girly but trendy and funky in colours she approves of. I’m struggling financially at the moment and the pressure of Christmas is just getting too much. I don’t know if this is a straw that’s broke the camels back situation. I could’ve done without spending all this money on clothes and presents and feel like it’s not even appreciated just finding fault in things my dc should be grateful for. Before anyone piles on, I know they don’t have to be “grateful” for the basics but it just seems so spoiled to me to be causing such a fuss over a fucking outfit and hairstyle. And no new clothes for Xmas day aren’t negotiable where we come from.

writing it now seems like such a none issue but it’s irked me.

OP posts:
SoulSearchBeHonest · 23/12/2025 23:19

Namechangesecretsignature · 23/12/2025 19:58

I really don’t think I’m bu in these circumstances. Normally with something like this I’d think someone was unreasonable but hear me out

DD 6 has the most beautiful curly hair, it’s the most amazing colour whenever she comes to the hairdressers with me they’re in awe at it, both the colour and texture. DD is a major Tom boy, and my parenting style is very much live and let live, pick your battles sort of thing.

however, due to this my dc are used to having free reign on what they wear/do/eat/go to etc. my dc choose their own outfits each day and pretty such always have done. Dd is now especially hard to buy clothes for as alls she wants to wear is blue, black, grey, navy, or dark green. Wouldn’t dream of a dress, has a real issue with jeans, and won’t wear boots or anything. She has chosen a blue designer tracksuit to wear on Xmas day that is navy blue (it’s slightly “girlier” for once as has little shoulder pads and tapered bottoms). We are very much a dress up for Xmas day family and this year after COUNTLESS chopping and changing of plans it’s now been arranged that we’re going out for Xmas. Dd adamant she wants to wear her tracksuit (and has had a meltdown about the clothes I’ve bought her for Boxing Day). I’ve told her if she’s going to wear the tracksuit then I’ll be styling her hair and she won’t be wearing her usual go to style of a slick back pony tail to “dress up” a bit for Xmas day. She’s had an absolute meltdown and whilst this is something I wouldn’t normally care about, something in me is saying to stick to my guns. I accept and fully embrace that she doesn’t and probably will never dress in the way I’d love to dress her (I’m a real girly girl) but do I let her have too much say?

FWIW, I’ve told her that when I was young I didn’t get a say in what I was wearing where we were going and certainly not how my hair was styled. I think I’m further irritated by the kick off over her Boxing Day clothes. She won’t go to the shops with me so I’ve traipsed around the shops myself yesterday to find something she’d like. Smart and not girly but trendy and funky in colours she approves of. I’m struggling financially at the moment and the pressure of Christmas is just getting too much. I don’t know if this is a straw that’s broke the camels back situation. I could’ve done without spending all this money on clothes and presents and feel like it’s not even appreciated just finding fault in things my dc should be grateful for. Before anyone piles on, I know they don’t have to be “grateful” for the basics but it just seems so spoiled to me to be causing such a fuss over a fucking outfit and hairstyle. And no new clothes for Xmas day aren’t negotiable where we come from.

writing it now seems like such a none issue but it’s irked me.

😂

Jukeboxjulie69 · 23/12/2025 23:22

Namechangesecretsignature · 23/12/2025 19:58

I really don’t think I’m bu in these circumstances. Normally with something like this I’d think someone was unreasonable but hear me out

DD 6 has the most beautiful curly hair, it’s the most amazing colour whenever she comes to the hairdressers with me they’re in awe at it, both the colour and texture. DD is a major Tom boy, and my parenting style is very much live and let live, pick your battles sort of thing.

however, due to this my dc are used to having free reign on what they wear/do/eat/go to etc. my dc choose their own outfits each day and pretty such always have done. Dd is now especially hard to buy clothes for as alls she wants to wear is blue, black, grey, navy, or dark green. Wouldn’t dream of a dress, has a real issue with jeans, and won’t wear boots or anything. She has chosen a blue designer tracksuit to wear on Xmas day that is navy blue (it’s slightly “girlier” for once as has little shoulder pads and tapered bottoms). We are very much a dress up for Xmas day family and this year after COUNTLESS chopping and changing of plans it’s now been arranged that we’re going out for Xmas. Dd adamant she wants to wear her tracksuit (and has had a meltdown about the clothes I’ve bought her for Boxing Day). I’ve told her if she’s going to wear the tracksuit then I’ll be styling her hair and she won’t be wearing her usual go to style of a slick back pony tail to “dress up” a bit for Xmas day. She’s had an absolute meltdown and whilst this is something I wouldn’t normally care about, something in me is saying to stick to my guns. I accept and fully embrace that she doesn’t and probably will never dress in the way I’d love to dress her (I’m a real girly girl) but do I let her have too much say?

FWIW, I’ve told her that when I was young I didn’t get a say in what I was wearing where we were going and certainly not how my hair was styled. I think I’m further irritated by the kick off over her Boxing Day clothes. She won’t go to the shops with me so I’ve traipsed around the shops myself yesterday to find something she’d like. Smart and not girly but trendy and funky in colours she approves of. I’m struggling financially at the moment and the pressure of Christmas is just getting too much. I don’t know if this is a straw that’s broke the camels back situation. I could’ve done without spending all this money on clothes and presents and feel like it’s not even appreciated just finding fault in things my dc should be grateful for. Before anyone piles on, I know they don’t have to be “grateful” for the basics but it just seems so spoiled to me to be causing such a fuss over a fucking outfit and hairstyle. And no new clothes for Xmas day aren’t negotiable where we come from.

writing it now seems like such a none issue but it’s irked me.

You talk about the pressure of Christmas then you’re getting bent double over how your daughter has her hair. Leave her be or you’re heading for many more melt downs. . As you say “ pick your battles”. This is not a battle worth fighting

Clearinguptheclutter · 23/12/2025 23:23

I can’t get over you buying designer tracksuits and a separate Boxing Day outfit if you’re skint

my kids get clothes fir Christmas but we’d
never buy a new outfit to wear on the day. That is just strange

Chloebeeps · 23/12/2025 23:28

OP are you ashamed of your own daughter & her dress & personal grooming choices? You sound as if you are a bully and a mother who is lacking in kindness, empathy & basic maternal love. My heart goes out to your daughter. Please respect her choices and learn to appreciate her for the wonderful person she is.

Ribidibidibidoobahday · 23/12/2025 23:30

I think you just need some sleep. You said yourself it wouldnt normally bother you. It sounds like you're stressed and it's the straw that broke the camals back. Let her be.

ThatAgileRosePanda · 23/12/2025 23:32

Leave it, honestly. Mum of former little girl who refused anything girly for years. She’s the most feminine adult I can imagine now with a gorgeous indie twist - we are individuals, and 6 year olds who recognise that are awesome..
We left it, it really doesn’t matter anyway. Don’t cause stress where it is if no consequence. There are many challenges ahead and the best advice is “pick your battles”.

BeforeSigourneyWeaverTheyWoveTheirOwnSigourneys · 23/12/2025 23:34

You sound like my mother. She had 1 daughter and I had to have long hair and wear dresses or she would feel embarrassed. We have been NC for many years.

I have 4 daughters now, and when they told me who they are I listened and have 1 who tries everything with her hair, including a buzz cut, 1 who only wears black and has just chopped her hair off, one who has lived in tracksuits (from the boys section, no tapered, shoulder padded stuff here) since she was about 3, and one who is the sparkliest dress wearing glittery kid you'll ever meet.

It's not our job as parents to force them how to dress, it's our jobs to listen to what they tell us about themselves and support them.

TaffetaPhrases · 23/12/2025 23:36

She’s a human being, not a toy. She doesn’t need to conform to some girly
nonsense just to placate your ego.

What a load of bullshit.

Franpie · 23/12/2025 23:36

You seem to be congratulating yourself for allowing your DD to dress however she wants. That’s completely normal outside of school uniform.

Onelifeonly · 23/12/2025 23:38

PartoftheBand · 23/12/2025 20:01

In your own words, "it just seems so spoiled to me to be causing such a fuss over a fucking outfit and hairstyle." But it feels like this is what you are doing. Just let her be comfortable and happy.

Exactly! My mum always wanted me to wear pretty dresses and I never felt like myself in them (though I do wear them occasionally as an adult). Let your dd be who she is. It's not a competition... or shouldn't be.

gillefc82 · 23/12/2025 23:41

Namechangesecretsignature · 23/12/2025 20:14

This is what I suggested. So that it’s not in her face. It was a resounding no!

And thank you for understanding, this is exactly my issue. She needs to know (as do all kids) about dress codes. She dresses and styles herself however she wants for school, outings etc. she’s got oodles of choice with everything. But there comes a time when certain things aren’t appropriate. She’s been asked to be a flower girl at my brothers wedding and has outright refused due to the dress code; things like that are hard to manage I’m torn between get on with it and well it will make her uncomfortable

Show quote history

Regarding your brother’s wedding, I think you should be advocating for your daughter to be able to wear something she will be comfortable in.

When I got married I asked both of my best friend’s daughters to be in my wedding party. One was my goddaughter, 8 y/o at the time, very girly and very excited to wear a pretty dress, carry flowers, get her hair done, wear a bit of lipgloss etc. Her older sister who I’ve known since she was 3 y/o, and was 14 y/o at the time is the complete opposite - tom boy, sporty, hates wearing dresses/skirts and has never had any interest in hair/makeup etc other than pestering her mum for a side shave / undercut when she was about 10!

The youngest wore a white lace and tulle dress with a royal blue ribboned corsage and looked every bit the “traditional” flower girl. The elder wore the same royal blue trouser suit (pants and waistcoat with white shortsleeved shirt and tan belt and brogues) that my 2 nephews (who were page boys) were wearing.

It was far more important to me that she was got to be a part of our special day, feeling comfortable and confident whilst doing it, over any wedding aesthetic or preconceived notion about what a flower girl should look like/wear.

If your DD is important to your brother and your SIL to be, then they should be more than willing to accommodate her preferences too.

Noshadelamp · 23/12/2025 23:53

Stop objectifying your daughter, she's not a doll to play dress-ups with.

Stompythedinosaur · 23/12/2025 23:56

Respect her rights over her own body.

Dress yourself up like a doll if you like.

TurkeyQueen · 23/12/2025 23:56

‘You made your bed…’ comes to mind!

You have always allowed her to make her own choices about hair/ clothes but you now decide she has no choice- no wonder she’s not happy!

Take the Boxing Day outfit back to the shop and get some money back.

You can’t treat kids one way, or give them the same choices daily then expect them to respond well when you change what you expect from them.

DBD1975 · 24/12/2025 00:01

OP, let it go and let her wear her hair how she would like to wear her hair.
Hypothetical situation, fast forward a few years and daughter disclosed she thinks she might be gay, or want to transform, if you can't handle this how are you going to deal with the bigger issues which might occur.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 24/12/2025 00:02

My friend told me something similar, she negotiated with her DD that she could wear her hair down on weekends and DD could put it up other days. I can't remember what the other terms were but i thought the whole thing was incredibly controlling. It made me very uncomfortable

ClairDeLaLune · 24/12/2025 00:08

Your DD needs to have autonomy over her own body OP. Her hair, her choice.

ConcernedmumofTIF · 24/12/2025 00:19

Yabvu over the hair but how is a six year old refusing to go shopping? It sounds like you need a few parenting lessons to be honest, get your priorities straight

MumWifeOther · 24/12/2025 00:25

Namechangesecretsignature · 23/12/2025 19:58

I really don’t think I’m bu in these circumstances. Normally with something like this I’d think someone was unreasonable but hear me out

DD 6 has the most beautiful curly hair, it’s the most amazing colour whenever she comes to the hairdressers with me they’re in awe at it, both the colour and texture. DD is a major Tom boy, and my parenting style is very much live and let live, pick your battles sort of thing.

however, due to this my dc are used to having free reign on what they wear/do/eat/go to etc. my dc choose their own outfits each day and pretty such always have done. Dd is now especially hard to buy clothes for as alls she wants to wear is blue, black, grey, navy, or dark green. Wouldn’t dream of a dress, has a real issue with jeans, and won’t wear boots or anything. She has chosen a blue designer tracksuit to wear on Xmas day that is navy blue (it’s slightly “girlier” for once as has little shoulder pads and tapered bottoms). We are very much a dress up for Xmas day family and this year after COUNTLESS chopping and changing of plans it’s now been arranged that we’re going out for Xmas. Dd adamant she wants to wear her tracksuit (and has had a meltdown about the clothes I’ve bought her for Boxing Day). I’ve told her if she’s going to wear the tracksuit then I’ll be styling her hair and she won’t be wearing her usual go to style of a slick back pony tail to “dress up” a bit for Xmas day. She’s had an absolute meltdown and whilst this is something I wouldn’t normally care about, something in me is saying to stick to my guns. I accept and fully embrace that she doesn’t and probably will never dress in the way I’d love to dress her (I’m a real girly girl) but do I let her have too much say?

FWIW, I’ve told her that when I was young I didn’t get a say in what I was wearing where we were going and certainly not how my hair was styled. I think I’m further irritated by the kick off over her Boxing Day clothes. She won’t go to the shops with me so I’ve traipsed around the shops myself yesterday to find something she’d like. Smart and not girly but trendy and funky in colours she approves of. I’m struggling financially at the moment and the pressure of Christmas is just getting too much. I don’t know if this is a straw that’s broke the camels back situation. I could’ve done without spending all this money on clothes and presents and feel like it’s not even appreciated just finding fault in things my dc should be grateful for. Before anyone piles on, I know they don’t have to be “grateful” for the basics but it just seems so spoiled to me to be causing such a fuss over a fucking outfit and hairstyle. And no new clothes for Xmas day aren’t negotiable where we come from.

writing it now seems like such a none issue but it’s irked me.

You’re traumatising your SIX year old to save face and keep up with appearances. Christmas isn’t about what your kids are wearing.. you’re allowed to break bullshit generational cycles.

ScorchingEgg · 24/12/2025 00:25

It’s interesting how you are making up excuses about ‘appropriateness’, OP, when the truth shines through when you state that you want her to wear her hair down because YOU think it’s pretty. Sod what she thinks about her own hair, apparently.

I was your daughter. My mother was horrendous about my appearance throughout my childhood and teenager years. I’ve had hideous self-image issues, disordered eating, and a terrible relationship with my mother, who bizarrely can’t understand why I won’t do ‘mother and daughter’ things with her. By all means, keep on how you’re going, and with a bit of luck she will wise up a whole load faster than I did, snd understand that her mother prioritises her appearance over who she is.

user1492757084 · 24/12/2025 00:31

Leave her be and why so many new clothes?

Teach DD how to manage her curly hair so that having it out will not be difficult, if she ever likes to wear it that way.

Comb through conditioner each night.
Buy her some headbands.
Seek advice from your hairdresser about products that keep curls knot free.

GoodQueenWenceslaus · 24/12/2025 00:59

If you're not careful, she's going to end up cutting her hair off so that the issue of wearing it long and curly simply won't arise.

Notascouser1990 · 24/12/2025 01:03

Stop trying to make your DD look/present in a certain way. I say this kindly as the daughter of a mother who wanted a "girly" daughter. I turned out to be the complete opposite- I was weird, quirky, tomboyish, quite gross, listened to music that horrified her and ended up being a total punk once I got to my teens. Yet i was happy being like that. We really drifted apart as a teen when she wanted me to be like every other girl at my school, wearing makeup, shopping at the same shops, having sleepovers and listening to whatever the top boy/girl band was at the time. She would constantly go on about how beautiful other girls/her friend's daughters were and ask why I couldn't be like that. She just wouldn't accept me. Our relationship is better now but I'm still wary of what I share. And I'm still alternative. Plus self esteem issues- as great and lovely as "girly girls" probably are, I still struggle to trust them and relate to them. Oh and my mum still looks for external approval, follows everyone else and is dreadfully insecure at 57.

Notascouser1990 · 24/12/2025 01:14

@ScorchingEgg yep sounds like my mother. She also wonders why I don't want to do "mother and daughter" things.

DreamTheMoors · 24/12/2025 01:15

When I was 6 I had too had long, thick, curly, chestnut coloured hair.
And I screamed every day when my mum tried to get the knots out of it.
So one day, she took me to her salon and the lady who did her hair cut my beautiful hair off into a pixie.
I couldn’t stop sobbing and my dad threatened to divorce her, but no more screaming.
One less thing - am I right?
I miss my mum ❤️