To be thinking something so awful?

[iamsoashamedofmyself]

I’m aware I’m going to get absolutely destroyed for this. My dad has three children. Me, and two older daughters by his first wife.

His first wife insists that at Christmas she cannot be without her daughters. She refuses. So my dad has never had a Christmas dinner with all of his children present. His ex refuses to even entertain the idea of us all having dinner together. My older sister has a child now and he has never seen his grandchild at Christmas. His first wife times the days so that there is no time for us to see them.

We do a redo on Boxing Day (with dinner and the trimmings) every year but it’s not the same is it? For the last thirty years my dad has never enjoyed Christmas. He has always made sure there was magic there when I was younger, but every year I can tell it breaks his heart that he’s not getting to see his whole family.

This is where the awful thoughts come in. Sometimes I wish his first wife would just die. I know it would destroy my sisters and i hate myself for even daring to think it, but god I wish my dad could have just one good Christmas, with everyone. I wish we could just have one good Christmas as a family. Hearing everyone discussing their Christmas plans at work, knowing that our Christmas Day will be horrendous, breaks my heart. I just wish she wasn’t so selfish and could let my dad have one good Christmas.

Have your Christmas on christmas eve instead of boxing day than their mum can have the hungover adults and grumpy tired kids

I never see my dad on Christmas Day. I love him loads but my mum looked after us full time bar every other weekend when we stayed with him/the alternate Saturday day when we went out for the day. I’m not sure half the years weekends warrants Christmas Day tbh, not sure if your dad did 50% of the parenting though and it’s unfair in that case. I do agree with PPs though that it’s on his daughters now that they’re adults.

Yes I agree, but her adult daughters prefer to spend it with her. Their father has another wife and child to spend it with.

OP and her dad are not exactly making it sound like a fun occasion, are they.

What about your mum in all this OP? You and your dad sat there gloomy, because the other kids aren't there? It sounds miserable for her. Can't the two of you cheer up a bit? The other siblings need to take control of their nightmare mum and you need to stop dwelling on it. Have them round pre Christmas instead, go away somewhere as a group of 3 for the week, go to someone else's house for Christmas.. There's nothing you can do about the nightmare ex is there.

@iamsoashamedofmyself

Look your sisters are buying into this bullshit and so are you.

You actually think she needs to be dead for this to stop. she doesnt.

Your sisters are choosing this.
Your father is choosing to mope around and fuck up everybody else's Christmas (includong your mothers presumably?)
And you are choosing to get sucked into this bullshit....

It's nonsense.

"She neeeeeeds the childcare"

1. Firstly Why the fuck would you leave your most treasured possession with this unhinged loon???? So your child can be brainwashed with this nonsense too... Come on....just pay for it like everywhere fucker
2. There was presumably a point in time where your sister was a grown ass adult and hadn't given birth. She could have said mum this is nonsense then. She didn't....the childcare is a BS excuse
3. The other sister has no babies- what's her excuse?

I also dont get why you dont do "your christmas" either the weekend before or christmas eve....like WHAT exactly is she going to do? Get mad... oh no... 🙄

TAKE MY ADVICE: next year book a long xmas break at The Pig or go abroad and leave these dysfunctional fuckers to it.

Your half sisters are grown ups and should tell their mother they’d like a Christmas with their dad.

It’s one day of the year. Just make a fuss of him on Boxing Day. We are a blended family and have 4 Xmases this year and every single one will be special for those who are there. It doesn’t have to be anchored around one day/ one meal

So you’re blaming your Dad’s fist wife for the fact that he is miserable on Christmas Day and makes it a miserable day for you and your mum? That’s not very fair on you and your mum and quite honestly I’d choose to be somewhere else rather than spend time with someone (or your Dad) who isn’t that fussed about me.

Alternative Christmas days can be loads of fun. Maybe a different day than Boxing Day would be better when the kids aren’t knackered and cranky. I’d get them over on Christmas Eve or the day before.

It sounds like she threatens them to make them have Christmas with her by eg stopping all childcare.

@iamsoashamedofmyself why don't you all have a chat about what could be done differently next year. Celebrating with dinner and presents on Christmas Eve is a good idea. Could they come by and you all do Christmas breakfast then they go to their mum.

Good god it’s just Christmas. You all need to get a grip. Who gives a shit about it? It’s one day out of the year

Sorry, I’ve not rtft but I think your df is at fault here and I’m sure others will say the same.

If he made you and your dm feel “less than”
and as though he couldn’t “have a good Christmas” without his two elder DD’s he sounds like a narcissist with a victim complex and he needs to cop himself on.

Presumably your dsis’s are adults now and still choose to be with their mother?

Ever wondered whether that’s what they’ve chosen all along and use their dm as an excuse— did your df leave them and their dm to start a new family perhaps..?

Could your dad 'get in first' and have his Christmas day on Christmas eve (next year) and leave his ex wife to have them worn out and hung over !

A much more succinct way of saying what I was trying to say - he needs to stop being a mard arse and ruining yours and your dm’s Christmas. What an arse.

Why would your roast get binned?

Surely this is a wind up? 😂

Where is your mum in all of this? Apologies if I missed it.

having bad thoughts is human - it doesn’t make you an evil person. Try and grasp what you can and enjoy time with your Dad.

It's very clear you resent her; I'm sure she knows it too.
If she didn't exist, nor would your half sisters.
Your father doesn't have a 'whole family' as he has two.
Why just a ready made meal? Makes you feel more of a victim?

His daughters are adults now so can choose. Invite them next year

You have your non celebration then.......why not eat gruel? Ready made, of course.

I've got multiple (young) children and so have accepted that when they grow up, I might not get to see them all on the same day at the same time, just due to them having their own lives and families. This is the case for lots of people. I know some parents whose children live in other countries - and stay there for Christmas!

I can't see it being that big a deal. And what I absolutely would not do is throw a tantrum and cast a black mood over the child who is there. Your dad is behaving awfully towards you and your mum.

Good god, what a boring non-problem to be so worked up about. Why don’t you just have a nice Christmas Day with your mum so that your dad doesn’t ruin it with his misery? Is he really intent on wasting the rest of his christmases feeling sorry for himself about not spending the day with his daughters? Have another ‘family day’ at some other point in the year. Wicked ex-wife needn’t know anything about it

How old are you OP?

How old are you all? I assume you're still very young if you have two sisters over 15 years older than you, and there's so far only one grandchild... And your whole life you've had a terrible Christmas because your dad sulks because his elder daughters choose to spend it with their mum instead of him? And they are choosing - they must presumably be well into their 30s, they really are very capable of telling their mother that they want a Christmas with their father if they want to. They don't want to.

My brother lived abroad for years, I would be very upset if my parents had decided to half-arse Christmas with packet roasts and bored expressions as they felt there was no point making the effort for just me! If this is all true, it's really not ok. Your dad's ex might be a nightmare, though it would in fairness be pretty shit for her to be all alone while her kids leave her to see their father, who has a whole new family. But your father's behaviour is absolutely shocking, what a dreadful way to treat you and your mum! You deserve a proper Christmas too, and if that means you and your mum cook a roast and eat it between just the two of you whilst he sulks and has a bag of crisps, tough!

Why not move your day to Christmas eve instead of boxing day? Solves the problem of hungover sisters

She’s also made it clear though that she hates me, so I think it’s neither here nor there

I think I’m going to try. She tries to derail everything - last year she “went missing” on his birthday and my sisters had to leave early.