To be thinking something so awful?

[iamsoashamedofmyself]

I’m aware I’m going to get absolutely destroyed for this. My dad has three children. Me, and two older daughters by his first wife.

His first wife insists that at Christmas she cannot be without her daughters. She refuses. So my dad has never had a Christmas dinner with all of his children present. His ex refuses to even entertain the idea of us all having dinner together. My older sister has a child now and he has never seen his grandchild at Christmas. His first wife times the days so that there is no time for us to see them.

We do a redo on Boxing Day (with dinner and the trimmings) every year but it’s not the same is it? For the last thirty years my dad has never enjoyed Christmas. He has always made sure there was magic there when I was younger, but every year I can tell it breaks his heart that he’s not getting to see his whole family.

This is where the awful thoughts come in. Sometimes I wish his first wife would just die. I know it would destroy my sisters and i hate myself for even daring to think it, but god I wish my dad could have just one good Christmas, with everyone. I wish we could just have one good Christmas as a family. Hearing everyone discussing their Christmas plans at work, knowing that our Christmas Day will be horrendous, breaks my heart. I just wish she wasn’t so selfish and could let my dad have one good Christmas.

I’m not sure how anyone can defend a woman who threatens to slit their wrists if their children decide to spend time with their father on any given day of the year. She sounds so bitter and unhappy.. and awful.

I can only imagine how sick and bored you are of this still being a ‘thing’ decades later.
you are entitled to think and feel any way you want.
I just hope you can understand why your sisters are they way they are and make the choices they do so that all of this doesn’t spillover and cause more damage for you all..

Fabulous drip drip drip feed in this thread. Get over yourself.

This sounds very dramatic tbh! Lots of people never spend Christmas Day with their siblings, children or parents. I cannot remember the last time I spent Christmas Day with my siblings or parents. Maybe 20 years ago or more.

I get it OP. I know plenty of grown adults who are totally controlled by their mothers, and wouldn’t dare go against their wishes
because of the emotional manipulation that would come their way if they did.

That said, your dad is choosing to mope over this and he could choose not to.

Have you thought of moving your family celebration to Christmas Eve or even the Sunday before Christmas so everyone is still fresh? You could then have very chilled low expectation Boxing Day together.

You and your dad sound very petulant over this. You can choose to have a good time you know.

I’m not sure how anyone can defend a woman who threatens to slit their wrists if their children decide to spend time with their father on any given day of the year. She sounds so bitter and unhappy.. and awful.

I don’t think anyone is defending the woman - simply saying they can understand why the sisters wouldn’t want to leave her alone at Christmas, if that was the case.

What most people seem to be agreeing on though is that the father is a pathetic, miserable, victim-complexy wanker to be running his new wife and other DD’s Christmas for however many years bc “he can only enjoy Christmas if his other DD’s are there too”. I don’t believe a word of it. And if it is true and this loser of a man eventually did get his other DD’s round on Christmas Day I bet he’d find something else to be miserable about.

It sounds to me like he just enjoys ruining yours and your dm’s Christmas OP.

Only because he allows it; if he celebrated, instead of throwing food in the bin because 'it's not worth it', she couldn't. Not that I think she is. How old are you OP? Do you have a partner?

Just to recap you want your sisters’ mum to die so that your sisters will spend Christmas with your dad… yea YABU. They’re adults now and they can choose to do that now and they have decided against it….

Oh, and if this is true (which I doubt) and your “d”f would throw a roast dinner you’d cooked in the bin bc he’d rather sit and mope over his microwave meal then he is an abusive piece of shit.

Are you taking any of this in OP?

Hmm.

OP, I don’t think you’re bothered about this because your Dad wants to have all of you together on Christmas Day.

I think you’d like to punish your Dad’s first wife by making her spend Christmas Day on her own, without her daughters and grandchild.

Perhaps you should examine your motives a bit more honestly.

I think it’s that OP wants to ruin the first wife’s Christmas…

It sounds like an awful situation, so unfair of the ex-wife to dig her heels in every year and insist you are the problem for 'being born'.

I hope if the situation doesn't change your father can learn to see the positives of the festive days he does get to spend with all of you together. It's a tough one but you might need to just wait it out and do xmas on Christmas Eve etc in the meantime. The ex-wife can't win if you are all enjoying yourselves regardless of her dramatics.

I would also suggest for your peace of mind you try to engage less with the vitriol this woman has for you - I know it's tempting but she clearly has a screw loose. It shouldn't be unreasonable to ask your sisters not to show you the messages / report back what she says about you in future. The less you think and know about this woman the better.

My unpopular opinion is that I think a lot of adults lack the ability to create their own Christmas routine, and insist on imposing themselves and their kids on elderly parents year after year. It’s nice to have traditions but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with spreading your wings, doing your own thing at Christmas, hell, even buying your own food and cooking it yourself and being the host. I know a lot of people in their 40’s who have grown kids but cannot do Christmas without reverting to acting like a teenager and having Mum and Dad take charge of it all.

The problematic thing seems to be your family Mum, Dad and you can't find a way to have a Happy Christmas day. The way you seem to think this gives your Dad a reason to jettison your celebrations is worrying - does he not value you and your Mum? It's a choice ...your Dad is choosing to ruin Christmas Day for 2 people who are with him.
Ask your siblings to please save some energy for Boxing Day and all would be well.
Creating a villain rather than being happy is strange ...control what you can ...which is yourselves

Who told you she thought they would reunite; daddy?

How does OP’s mother feel? Because this man may not have his daughters under one roof but he does have a wife and daughter around now.
If I were the second wife I’d go elsewhere and book a nice hotel stay.
Lots of families face this. My DH has been divorced three decades his grown up kids go to their mum each year. He’s never had a Christmas Day with them.
Before we met he did lots of volunteering (that’s how we met!) and he’s never complained once. Yes it makes him sad now and again but he’s a pretty joyful soul and gets on with things.

Exactly!

I don’t see my parents or siblings on Xmas day - lots of people don’t.

The ex sounds awful but so does the dad.

I can’t imagine ever making everyone else’s Xmas miserable just because I can’t see someone until the next day.

Both the ex and the dad sound abusive.

She sounds awful but your Dad doesn't sound very open to trying to make the most of what he has though.

I'd be having a conversation about all the possibilities to make it better next year. Some immediate ideas that came to my mind -

1. do your celebrations on Christmas Eve
2. stick with Boxing Day but come up with your own traditions, like always going to the pantomime together, going Ice-skating or to a Stately Home Christmas lights, eating something else you all enjoy (Steak? Pizza party? Thai? Whatever. Most things are better than a ready meal roast!) Don't try to be a second best Christmas repeat, do something else.
3. get the family together for Thanksgiving each year instead for the traditional roast.
4. go on holiday over Christmas and celebrate a week later with the sisters so they're not hungover.

Tbh I can imagine loathing Christmas if I were your sisters - Christmas day manipulated by my Mum followed by Boxing day at Dad's being guilt tripped about it. Urghh. And surely their partners have parents who they'd like to see at Christmas too?!

It’s one bloody day for Christ’s sake. Who cares if if is 25th or 26th December. Your dad needs to grow up and stop being so dramatic. Sounds a real pain in the arse.

Honestly it sounds like two separate issues here.

1.The way your sisters mum behaves is awful and manipulative. They need to recognise that and make their own peace with this. Do they really want that kind of person looking after their children? However they need to recognise their own part in this. I could absolutely attend another “Christening Day” on the 26th and be enthusiastic and appreciative of someone hosting, not be hungover etc. I could (and do) monitor my children so they are not wholly overstimulated and stuffed in Christmas Day so they would still enjoy the next day.

2.I understand why your dad would miss his children and grandchildren on Christmas Day and may take some time to reflect on this, but to sulk the whole day, refuse a roast and refuse to go out. He is ruining his own day then. Plenty of people are forced to have Christmas away from loved ones and still manage to enjoy themselves. I’m sorry this has been your experience of Christmas.

The only person ruining your father‘s Christmas is your father.

She sounds unhinged. Yanbu. I'm sorry for your loss.

Your dad decided to make two families and this is what happens.

Blame him, not his ex.

Everybody involved in what seems to be a never ending saga over one day of the year seems to be rather melodramatic and immature to have not been able to reach some sort of workable compromise.

Sounds like your dad is very selfish and self-absorbed, essentially sulking and ruining Christmas for everyone else because he doesn’t get his way. Plenty of parents don’t see their adult children at Christmas given their adult children will usually have in laws to consider too. If your DS in laws are separated that’s 4 sets of parents/grandparents who will want to spend Christmas with them, they can’t spend it with everyone! I suspect if they really wanted to see their dad they would make it happen.