To be thinking something so awful?

[iamsoashamedofmyself]

I’m aware I’m going to get absolutely destroyed for this. My dad has three children. Me, and two older daughters by his first wife.

His first wife insists that at Christmas she cannot be without her daughters. She refuses. So my dad has never had a Christmas dinner with all of his children present. His ex refuses to even entertain the idea of us all having dinner together. My older sister has a child now and he has never seen his grandchild at Christmas. His first wife times the days so that there is no time for us to see them.

We do a redo on Boxing Day (with dinner and the trimmings) every year but it’s not the same is it? For the last thirty years my dad has never enjoyed Christmas. He has always made sure there was magic there when I was younger, but every year I can tell it breaks his heart that he’s not getting to see his whole family.

This is where the awful thoughts come in. Sometimes I wish his first wife would just die. I know it would destroy my sisters and i hate myself for even daring to think it, but god I wish my dad could have just one good Christmas, with everyone. I wish we could just have one good Christmas as a family. Hearing everyone discussing their Christmas plans at work, knowing that our Christmas Day will be horrendous, breaks my heart. I just wish she wasn’t so selfish and could let my dad have one good Christmas.

If the issue is that they are a little over it on Boxing day, why not suggest celebrating on Christmas eve. In many latin countries (France, Italy, Belgium, …) the main celebration is on Christmas eve so it’s not even that unusual. Than the ex-wife gets the day after crankiness.

Why would the roast get binned?

Surely you cook roasts throughout the year and they don’t get binned so why would the one on Xmas day get binned?

The ex sounds awful but your dad does not seem good either.

Your Xmas day is miserable because he makes it all about him and how disappointed he is at not seeing his other kids.
Whilst you’re there actually wanting to spend time with him and he’s rude and ungrateful.

The older ones do not want to spend time with him.
They don’t even want to be there for Boxing Day.

I’d be making this Xmas the last one I invited him to and just see him on Boxing Day instead.
The way he treats you is not ok OP.

It's usually the woman doing most of bringing up the family, and once they have separated she probably did the bulk of childcare for her daughter and now is looking after her grandchildren. Why on earth would she not get ot spend Christmas with them ?

I think it’s understandable that your dad would be sad about the situation and there’s no doubt that she’s treating her DC badly. However at some point there’s an element of allowing the ex wife to cause misery. I think it could massively help if you switch up expectations and create your own magical Christmas traditions - a light show, pantomime etc in the run up, a visit to Santa with the nephew or whatever.

A friend of mine who is in his 60s and divorced from his DC’s mum has accepted that he will see his DC a few days (or even a week or two) before Christmas and have an amazing day with full Christmas dinner etc. it just works better for them all and means he always gets “Christmas” with his DC every year (but not on the day). He has sort of bowed out of the race to see the DCs to make it easier all round and has a quiet Christmas Day. I think he feels it’s even more Christmassy in the run up before everyone is a bit jaded and full up.

if you do the above then you could do something different on the actual day? An M&S buffet and Christmas films or something more relaxed. Then if your dad is a bit down on the day it’s not such a downer on everyone else as you’re just having a relaxed time. It’s shit that his ex manipulates everyone in this way especially for her Dc but that’s out of your control and the only thing your dad (and your mum and you) can do is work out how to be happy despite her rather dance to her tune and stay miserable.

You all have some choice in this. Your step mum is clearly very unwell and the states she gets into must have had a terrible effect on her children's upbringing, but now like your Dad, you have choice. For a start, your Dad (and the rest of you) may not want to risk his ex going into some destructive spiral if she doesn't have her daughters with her on the 25th, but there doesn't have to be so much importance attached to seeing the three of you plus the grandchild on this particular day rather than any other. If boxing day doesn't work because everyone is Christmassed out, you could celebrate together on New Years Day instead, or the Sunday before Christmas for example. You are making the situation much worse than it needs to be, especially your Dad.

Good God. Get over yourself. Both your parents could be dead like some of us

Your dad’s ex wife is ridiculous and selfish but in turn, your dad has been just as bad and has ruined Christmas Day for his wife and third child, and now you’re ruining it for yourself too

Your sisters are adults now so they could choose to spend with your dad if they wanted to

He won’t go out, it’s just a shit day all around. I hate it all

So, your dad has ruined every Christmas you've had?

That is manipulative and cruel. I would imagine your older sisters are very aware of this and don't really want to spend time with him over Christmas either.

OP, this is really obsessive. All he wants, when he already has so much? Perhaps your Dad could access some counselling. What does your Mum make of it?

You and your father are making your on misery! I feel sorry for your mum!

Your dad and his ex are both in the wrong and equally pathetic.

Your dad must realise she won’t change and he should enjoy whatever amount of christmases he has left with you and your mum. I would feel pretty shit if my dad acted this way. If Boxing Day isn’t good enough for him, change it to Christmas Eve.

The ex isn’t being fair I agree, is totally unhinged and will not change. But all 3 of you are in the wrong here. Your dad needs to learn to wise up and adapt. And you or your mum need to tell him to snap out of it. You need to realise in your own mind that you wishing someone passed away isn’t normal. And is more the result of how your dad’s actions make you feel than this woman’s actions.

Your dad needs to grow a backbone. You're his child too so he needs to treat you all equally.

My dc have differant fathers and imagine the uproar it I said I had to spend Christmas with them separately.

I would have a very firm word with him.If my DF behaved like this I would have cut him off a long time ago.

Shouldn't have had children with more than one woman then. Bloody hell, OP everyone sounds as miserable as sin here.

Same could be said for the mother. She is selfish. If it's about the day, what does it matter if she sees them on Christmas or boxing day. She can't even share Christmas day, she has to have it all. She's a selfish bitch.

How on earth did you get that so wrong?

OP, are your sisters not old enough to just tell their mum they want to see their dad on Christmas Day?

either way, sounds like you and your sisters all get on well, so just try and enjoy Boxing Day redo. It sounds fine to me and actually your dad is pretty lucky to have good relationships with 3 daughters who all get on well and now a grandchild too.

Honestly, he sounds almost as bad as her by allowing himself to be so upset about it to the extent it spoils your Christmas too.

It is one day and if he sees everyone the next day he could put all his focus into Boxing Day being the big family celebration. Christmas Day could be a visit to church, volunteering, going on a walk, wearing PJs all day and watching films. He is making it into a bigger deal than it needs to be by not accepting it.

Is it "just" you and your dad on Christmss Day, any other relatives you could spend the day with?

It must have been years and years with these over dramatic and manipulative adults threatening to never be apart from their (adult) children or never being allowed to be with them all.

As I’ve said all time was 50/50, he paid 3/4 of his salary in maintenance and my eldest sister came to live with my mum and dad when they got married.

Sorry, I didn't notice that!

Absolutely. The vast majority of families vaguely alternate Christmas, does this mean every other year or so he would be a childish arsehole about Christmas because they were elsewhere? It amazes me that you cannot see how unreasonable and ridiculous your dad is being here. Christmas is one day. I'm assuming your sisters are very aware of this, and there is always a bit of a 'tone' when they do visit.

Well, yes thats a given

But the only people who can change the current Christmas plans is the daughter's by going to their dads and they don't want to.

So the dad has to change his reaction, slap a smile on his face, count his blessings that he has 3 healthy children and a wife and stop moping and making the day a misery fest

Do it on the 24th then?

I'm beginning to doubt either your version or the version you've been told here. 50/50 and 3/4.of his salary in maintenance? Come on. This is exaggeration isn't it?

I mean, you started out by saying he's not had Christmas with his daughters for 30 years. Then it became 40.

God what a load of melodrama
none of you sound anything less than batshit and attention seeking