To be thinking something so awful?

[iamsoashamedofmyself]

I’m aware I’m going to get absolutely destroyed for this. My dad has three children. Me, and two older daughters by his first wife.

His first wife insists that at Christmas she cannot be without her daughters. She refuses. So my dad has never had a Christmas dinner with all of his children present. His ex refuses to even entertain the idea of us all having dinner together. My older sister has a child now and he has never seen his grandchild at Christmas. His first wife times the days so that there is no time for us to see them.

We do a redo on Boxing Day (with dinner and the trimmings) every year but it’s not the same is it? For the last thirty years my dad has never enjoyed Christmas. He has always made sure there was magic there when I was younger, but every year I can tell it breaks his heart that he’s not getting to see his whole family.

This is where the awful thoughts come in. Sometimes I wish his first wife would just die. I know it would destroy my sisters and i hate myself for even daring to think it, but god I wish my dad could have just one good Christmas, with everyone. I wish we could just have one good Christmas as a family. Hearing everyone discussing their Christmas plans at work, knowing that our Christmas Day will be horrendous, breaks my heart. I just wish she wasn’t so selfish and could let my dad have one good Christmas.

I feel like it would be completely unacceptable for your sisters to spend Xmas with you their dad and stepmother leaving their mum on Xmas day

It’s just never the same. They’re always slightly hungover, my nephew is cranky, they never really want to be there.

Why don't they (whoever they are) want to be there and don't you think that's rather telling.

Any idea why your dad and his first wife broke up? That might have a part to play in why the first wife and your SSs behave this way?

Why?

So your dad is choosing to be miserable. I can sympathise but it sounds like a change of mind-set is needed. Is he like this generally or just on Xmas day?

Ca you do it on Christmas eve instead of Boxing Day?

Because it just wasn’t right. They got married young and had children young and it wasn’t a happy relationship. The split was as amicable as a divorce can be and he always made sure he paid his way.

To my sisters.

To my sisters.

It strikes me that what you’re not acknowledging, OP, is that your sisters don’t particularly want to be there with your dad. He’s had 30 years to get used to seeing them on Boxing Day instead of Xmas, and rather than make the most of that and enjoy their company he’s being a miserable shit and ruining it for everyone, making it all about him and how hard done by he is.

I wouldn’t be enthusiastic about seeing him either if he can’t grow the fuck up.

(I gave up trying to have a relationship with my dad under similar circs - he could never stop making things about him, and what a poor innocent victim he was, and how my mother was an evil bitch who turned his kids against him. She wasn’t. He was just an unbearable self-centred solipsistic bore who loved feeling bitter. You may in time discover you’re sick of this shit from your dad, too.)

This is horrendous.
They're adults, they need to make their own decisions. Let it go this year, but next year, way before Christmas - even first thing in the new year - they should speak to her and let her know they want to spend Christmas with their dad this year. It gives her the year to get over it and pull herself together.

If she withdraws the childcare then so be it. You don't really want someone that manipulative looking after your kids anyway.

Perhaps if he’d been a bit less self absorbed and made the effort to hide his upset for one daughter, simply because he wasn’t seeing his other daughters, you wouldn’t hate Christmas?

Is it easier to be angry with their mum than angry with your dad? Or resentful of your sisters for having a lovely day while you’re dealing with him doing his ‘woe is me’ act, while you’re trying to make him feel better?

Hey? I love both of my parents very much. Since my nan (her mum) died, Christmas hasn’t really been a big thing for her. She throws herself into hosting because that’s what she likes.

But your sisters are adults now, right? So, its their decision who they spend xmas day with. We don't know the circumstances of the marriage breakdown with his ex. Maybe the bitterness & anger have never left her so this is her one victory?
Lots of people can't do xmas day (work for example) so surely the important part is that you do get a celebration together the following day?
Thats my take anyway!

I feel very sorry for your sisters. You and your dad need to calm down a bit though. Yea it's sad that he can't see them Christmas day but come on, this is all a bit dramatic isn't it? Christmas day doesn't look the same for a lot of families post divorce. You and your dad can't change the situation, all you can change is your reaction to it.
Surely the important bit is the relationships as a whole and it sounds like you're all close otherwise?

Because that way, someone would be left without any of their kids. Your dad has you.

You’re being very dramatic. It’s only a day.

Your dad married her. Felt she was good enough to be the mother of his children. Sometimes we have to live with consequences of our life choices. But he’s decided that forever more Christmas Day is going to be this big toxic totem where she is painted as the devil and he’ll sit in sackcloth and ashes despite the fact that he has a new family he could have a happy day with. And worse, he is passing on the generational trauma to you.

But you still haven't answered my questions! How does your mother feel about your father's miserable doings on on Christmas Day? Does it not hurt her feelings that your presence and hers does not suffice to make him happy? And if she throws herself into hosting, it sounds as if she's hosting others and it is not just a small gathering . . . .?

Honestly...all of the adults in this situation sound ridiculous...

The girls mum for her manipulation and threats

Your dad for allowing this to ruin Christmas, not only for him, but his wife and daughter every single year

The grown up daughters who get so pissed they are too hungover and grumpy to paste a smile on their faces and enjoy Christmas day number 2 with their dad the day after Christmas

You for allowing all of this to spoil your Christmas year after year

Christmas does not have to be celebrated on 25th December.

Stop enabling this misery fest because your sisters aren't there and either celebrate on a different day properly (maybe before Christmas so your sisters arent hungover) or go and do your own thing with friends and let your mum and dad wallow in his misery

You all can't change his ex wifes behaviour but you can change your own reactions to it

I think you and your dad are frankly being childish about this. Both my family and my in laws live abroad (different countries) and we never spend Christmas with either. We do a re-do with my family all together often in Jan or shortly before NYE, and we have an absolute blast: less pressure than on Christmas, cheaper food and more options as we're not to tied by traditional stuff, ... I would say thay Boxingg Day is a pretty shit choice of day for a re-do as, as you say, everyone is filled up with the day before. Why not choose the weekend following so everyone has the chance to recover before doing it all again?
I find it bizarre that your dad decides to be miserable on Christmas day for 40 years because he's never had his way, rather than make it magical another day.

I wish you could have your sister at yours then you’d realise it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, you and your dad seem to believe Christmas Day is like the films, reality is very different especially with an ex involved.

Everyone is an adult now and able to choose what they do for Christmas. Regardless of what happened when you were all younger, you are very very unreasonable to continue to blame the first wife. And beyond disgusting to say that you wish she would die. (And if she did, do you actually think her daughters and grandchildren would be having a “good Christmas”?)

”You all can't change his ex wifes behaviour but you can change your own reactions to it”

This!

Time to cut the crap OP, you have three choices:

Have Christmas with your sisters on 24th or some other day that is not 25th or 26th

Tell your dad to stop wallowing or you’ll not be spending 25th with him at all, his mood is obviously bringing you down and it’s not fair in a 4 year old child.

Make both days equally fun and lovely instead of dwelling on it.

No she wouldn't, it's all threats to get her own way, you said so yourself. Do it!!

I get this. Also, what were the circumstances of your dad's separation from his first wife? If he left her and she feels that, had it been up to her, her family would still be intact, she probably feels it is reasonable to expect the children to prioritise her needs. If he left her for your mum, this feeling will be intensified.