To be thinking something so awful?

[iamsoashamedofmyself]

I’m aware I’m going to get absolutely destroyed for this. My dad has three children. Me, and two older daughters by his first wife.

His first wife insists that at Christmas she cannot be without her daughters. She refuses. So my dad has never had a Christmas dinner with all of his children present. His ex refuses to even entertain the idea of us all having dinner together. My older sister has a child now and he has never seen his grandchild at Christmas. His first wife times the days so that there is no time for us to see them.

We do a redo on Boxing Day (with dinner and the trimmings) every year but it’s not the same is it? For the last thirty years my dad has never enjoyed Christmas. He has always made sure there was magic there when I was younger, but every year I can tell it breaks his heart that he’s not getting to see his whole family.

This is where the awful thoughts come in. Sometimes I wish his first wife would just die. I know it would destroy my sisters and i hate myself for even daring to think it, but god I wish my dad could have just one good Christmas, with everyone. I wish we could just have one good Christmas as a family. Hearing everyone discussing their Christmas plans at work, knowing that our Christmas Day will be horrendous, breaks my heart. I just wish she wasn’t so selfish and could let my dad have one good Christmas.

You shouldn’t be getting this mentally involved with your dad’s drama.

I completely get you. MN sometimes decides to pile on against someone for no bloody reason, I think once a couple of similar responses are in, the bots kick in and the whole thing becomes silly.
of course your father and yourself have the right of having proper chistmas on chistmas day at least once, and that if she’s saying all those things including threats of withdrawing support or stopping medication etc is horribly manipulative. I’m sure loads of posters here would be very upset to miss ALL Christmas mornings of the small children in the family. I would prob have bad thoughts in your situation, nothing to be ashamed of, it’s not like you’re plotting a murder ffs

My father has a lot of us kids, different relationships. He’s never seen all of us on one day for any occasion. Thinking about it the last time he spent a full Christmas Day with me I was a young child. The last time I saw a parent or even a sibling on Christmas Day was about 15years ago.

Your father needs to get over this as do you and why shouldn’t his first wife see her children on the day? I don’t understand why it even bothers you?

Vile. You’ve clearly not lost anyone to be able to say that so freely. And I hope your sisters never hear you say that. Agree with everyone here, your father needs to grow up. People don’t see each other other on Christmas Day - that’s life. Have a nice day, celebrate what you have. Or celebrate on another day, whatever

My children were 3 and 2 when their father left. They are now 33 and 31, both married and living a few minutes from me and my second husband ( together 24 years). They have never, ever spent a Christmas day with their father. He didn't decorate or make it special and was ALWAYS hung over and then drunk again by Christmas day lunchtime. He was a miserable sod. Children tend to want to avoid miserable sods. Your father could make Boxing Day fabulous for you all and you and his second wife could have a wonderful day with him on Christmas day. He is choosing to go around in a black cloud of self pity.

I don’t think that anyone here is denying that threatening to slit one’s wrists is a vile awful way to treat one’s children. I’m sorry your Dads ex wife is so horrid to her own children, and so desperately manipulative. She must be very insecure indeed, and that must be very distressing for your half sisters.

However, everyone here is point out to you that you can’t stop her from doing so. You have zero control over what she does AND zero control over how your half sisters react.

what all the mumsnetters are trying to show you is that you/ your dad DO have control over how you react! That you can make merry your own way. Your Dad is literally cutting off his nose to spite his face and making xmas day a sad “precooked” event in your house. you and your dad only have control over what you do, and how you choose to act and it’s bewildering for the rest of us that he chooses to wallow in his sad feelings rather than celebrate what he does have

Cant you read?

WTF are you on about 🤣🤣 my kids are perfectly capable of going to relatives on Boxing Day. If it’s fun, they enjoy it. Likewise with adults. If you’re all doom a gloom about “missing the magic” then of course nobody wants to be there!!

I presume they are adults and nake their own decisions

So your dad sulks his way through Christmas every year, ruining it for you and your mum? His ex wife is clearly dreadful, but he sounds like a wet mop too, and he is the reason that your Christmases are miserable every year.

This

We have a small ready made roast and that’s it.

Sorry OP, but that did make me laugh.

Your dad sounds like he’s ruined this for your and your mum for years and that is selfish. Yes his ex wife sounds very difficult and I’m sure he is sad not to see his kids on Christmas Day but bloody hell you’d think after so many years he’d reach a level of acceptance and try and enjoy the 25th for the sake of you and your mum. He’s a grown adult who has routinely ruined Christmas with his morose attitude.

Why not have a Christmas Eve all together?

The crux of the issue, in my opinion, is that choices have consequences. Your father and his first wife chose to divorce. The consequence of that is that family holidays look different than they used to. My husband's parents got divorced when he was little and they have done something similar; he spent Christmas Eve with his father and his father's family and he spent Christmas day with his mother and his mother's family. I'm sure it was difficult at first but everyone has gotten used to it and now that is the norm and the family.

Your father choosing to actively make everyone miserable at Christmas for 40 years is crazy work.

As someone who grew up with an emotionally manipulative mother I honestly think everyone needs to grow up and chill out. Yes, it sucks that your sisters’ mother is a nightmare but it is what it is, they’ve made their choice (I do feel sorry for them to a degree- as I said, my mother was a nightmare and still is if given the opportunity) and your dad needs to make his peace with that, rather than all the guilt tripping and hand wringing. Instead of Boxing Day, do Christmas Eve or the weekend before Christmas or something. Change it up. But fgs stop feeling so sorry for yourselves.

Meh. I've got family members I wish were dead. I don't wring my hands about it. Your dad seems like a bit of a misery guts though.

OP, you are being horrible: remember Christmas is the time for giving.

Thallium sulphate may make a fine gift.

😄

It's not fair that all these years, the two eldest daughters haven't been alternating each year between parents. It's especially bad that it's still happening all these decades later, when a daughter has a child of her own.

Some pp have said that the daughters are old enough to go against this now, and I do agree, but equally I can imagine the ex guilting them into staying with the status quo, especially since Dad has always been without them on Xmas Day, so it's normalised.

Shocking that the ex has had every Xmas Day to herself with them for decades. It's a pity your dad didn't put his foot down about that when they were small children. These days a court order would put that right, but perhaps it was different a few decades ago.

He doesn’t see them at all? You said he sees them Boxing Day; 24 hours later.

Get over the dramatics and grow up. You’re an adult - move on.

If your mum and dad have her phone number. Block it. Let her howl into that black hole.

Do something Christmas eve and tell your sisters to keep their mouths shut about the event.

Has she had any help? Initially it seems your dad is the one who chose to break up the family, but it sounds like she has some serious mental health problems, and obviously we don't know how long she has had these, but to threaten to put herself in hospital? You say your sister relies on her for free childcare, but I would worry about leaving a child with someone who threatens this.

With respect, this is either a fake post, or you all have mental illnesses.

40 years of doomed christmases because your dads eldest children aren’t there? Yet you’re all adults? Batshit.

It is just a day. You are being ridiculous. You see them boxing day! It is the same thing!

You know it's not simply about eating a roast dinner. It's the most special day of the year. OP's dad has missed out on his two eldest daughters opening their presents for decades and now the same thing is happening with his grandchild. It's really unfair.