To be thinking something so awful?

[iamsoashamedofmyself]

I’m aware I’m going to get absolutely destroyed for this. My dad has three children. Me, and two older daughters by his first wife.

His first wife insists that at Christmas she cannot be without her daughters. She refuses. So my dad has never had a Christmas dinner with all of his children present. His ex refuses to even entertain the idea of us all having dinner together. My older sister has a child now and he has never seen his grandchild at Christmas. His first wife times the days so that there is no time for us to see them.

We do a redo on Boxing Day (with dinner and the trimmings) every year but it’s not the same is it? For the last thirty years my dad has never enjoyed Christmas. He has always made sure there was magic there when I was younger, but every year I can tell it breaks his heart that he’s not getting to see his whole family.

This is where the awful thoughts come in. Sometimes I wish his first wife would just die. I know it would destroy my sisters and i hate myself for even daring to think it, but god I wish my dad could have just one good Christmas, with everyone. I wish we could just have one good Christmas as a family. Hearing everyone discussing their Christmas plans at work, knowing that our Christmas Day will be horrendous, breaks my heart. I just wish she wasn’t so selfish and could let my dad have one good Christmas.

Do Christmas eve then, FFS. And tell your dad to stop being such a fucking moan.
He had two separate families, this is the shit that happens. He should have got over himself decades ago and made a nice day for his second family. He's never bothered his arse to do so but you wish she was dead?

Pair of drama queens, you and your dad

I was a child of divorce... Never spent Christmas with my dad and here is the key point I never WANTED too.

Christmas as a child was sacred to me, it was my favorite day of the year, just me and my mam and our traditions in our home where I was comfortable and relaxed. Why should that be ruined because someone else feels they should have been able to force me to join in theirs?

Its about what is best for the kid and honestly been sent back and forth at Christmas, having your routines all shuck up every other year, having days cut in half etc... with just so an adult can feel better about THEMSELVES is selfish.

My mam is dead now and she never forced me to do anything but she certainly would never force me to do something I actively DIDN'T want to do (and neither did the courts, the asked ME and let ME decide away from my parents). Blaming my mam was my dads go too aswell though, its frankly the cry of a deadbeat as it show a man who wants everything to be about him not his child.

It’s not your nephews job to bring magic.

Magic is an adult job.

Youre allowing your father to ruin your holidays too.

this is all quite ridiculous

Jings a bit dramatic 1 you do not know how your saintly father treated there mother no matter what he says .2 did your sisters actually tell you there mother takes a strop if they suggest a different xmas ..3 every year your parents have you so don't know how she feels .no one hates another human being for 40 years for Nothing. 4 they clearly want to be there yes unfortunately for you they 3 forged a deep bond when your dad left them .

Well, it’s fairly evident he doesn’t care about you, so why bother.

Let’s look at it this way. If your sisters decided tomorrow that they were going to spend Christmas with him and you for some reason couldn’t be there do you think he’d chuck their roast in the bin because you weren’t there? Be honest, and you know the answer.

The reason he doesn’t want to spend Christmas with you isn’t because they’re not there, it’s because you’re not them. If you weren’t there and they were he would spend Christmas with them, but he still won’t spend it with you.

And this is the issue.

You’re not upset because your sisters won’t spend Christmas with their dad, you’re upset because you know you’re not good enough in his eyes. You’re second best to them.

Were you ever important to him growing up?

Was he ever a decent father to you?

The whole family sounds disfunctional tbh.

A mother who uses emotional blackmail to make her adult children spend time with her.

Grown women who are too spineless to stand up to her and say no, or alternatively maybe they actually prefer to spend time with her over him.

A father who clearly favours his older children over his youngest.

And all this has led to you feeling understandably inadequate. But because you’re not ready to face those truths and admit that your dad doesn’t care about you over his other children, you’re blaming everything on the ex wife.

I’m guessing the sisters don’t have much of a relationship with you either?

The first wife sounds like a blackmailing manipulator. Not much you can do about that.

But I don’t see why you can’t have a lovely Christmas celebration on Boxing Day or New Year or between the two. Christmas is just a day on the calendar - you can choose to shift it. Create your own tradition and stick to it, make it better.

Can you stop going round at Christmas? It sounds like you’re wasting your time if your dad can’t bring himself to enjoy YOU as an individual. Do you have children? A partner/husband?

What an overgrown child your father sounds like. I'm not blaming his daughters for choosing not to spend Christmas day with him if he's such a petulant sook. Mist families need to spread Christmas catch-ups over multiple days.

Your Dad can’t control his ex but he can control how he reacts to it. He is choosing to let her behaviour get to him so she succeeds in ruining Christmas for you every year.

He has a choice not to engage in her drama and be the safe and relaxing space for your elder siblings. He risks putting them in a position where it feels like whatever they do is wrong.

I’ve seen this dynamic play out in my family and all my Dad could do was let my older siblings know that he understood the pressure they were under and that he would never make them choose between parents. He knew his ex had MH issues and many years after they split and long after her subsequent marriage had ended, she did succumb to those problems. I think it really mattered to my older siblings that they knew that because they never had to choose, how things ended was nothing to do with them.

Your Dad needs to find a way to accept that what his older DC need is one calm, stable parent they can rely on. I understand why you are angry but this isn’t your fight.

I think your father needs to be mature and stop making Christmas miserable for himself and everyone else. It is a choice to dwell on the negatives instead of enjoying the time he gets to spend with you, not to mention that everyone gathers on Boxing Day. Putting too much emphasis on the day is just stupid! His ex-wife may well be a horror, but he doesn't sound so great, either.

@iamsoashamedofmyself your sisters need to call her bluff.
I did with my dm, once she realised I wouldn't put up with her manipulation she stopped threatening to take an od.

It is a valid feeling.. but that doesn't mean he should take it out on you two.. he sounds vile to be honest, I could never respect a person who treated his family THAT ARE ACTUALLY THERE FOR HIM like second class citizens because his preferred people aren't there. He won't even eat a roast dinner if you cook it?Absolutely disgusting behaviour.

The other issue is, if they act like they don't want to be there on boxing day, has it ever occurred to you that they don't really want to be there? They come out of a sense of obligation, but it doesn't sound like they even enjoy it.. being there on Christmas day instead of boxing day is highly unlikely to change that to be honest, maybe they use their mum as a bit of an excuse but they actually prefer it the way it is?

You are blaming the wrong person for the misery of this situation, and thinking Christmas day with them would be amazing.. but it won't, it will be exactly the same as it is now, just on a different day.

This is not just on the mum. Your sisters can say no to her. It's mad that everyone is moping over this.
If boxing day is such an issue, with hangovers etc why not make it Christmas Eve? Or any other day?

Maybe she doesn't even need to be told it's happening?

After this very long thread I'm still confused.

1st wife and 2 daughters, grandchild spend Christmas day together, correct? No dad there. Event lasts all day with much drinking.

Christmas day is lacking info... do you spend it with your mum, dad? Have a roast? Do you live at home with mum and dad, or are you hosting at yours?

Boxing day is another dinner, but at whose house? You say 'we do a re-do', but is it at your mum and dads, with step sisters and their DH's and son? I'm thinking they shouldn't be hungover at dinner time... can you have a later dinner?

Or just do Christmas Eve with your mum, dad and stepsisters? How does your mum feel about all this, assuming she is hosting.

This is all very very OTT. The ex wife is obviously awful - but her karma will come in the damage that these theatrics and controlling manners do to her relationship with her kids. Your father needs to chill out and not be so convinced he is missing out on some weird magic. You need to relax and stop fighting other people’s battles / getting so her up about something like this. If you don’t like Boxing Day - just do Christmas Eve instead - on most the continent that’s the “real” day anyway.

Sorry but this is absolute self absorbed bullshit. If your dad ( their dad) created a warm, welcoming home they'd be there like a shot and Boxing Day would be the day they looked forward to the most. It doesn't matter what the day is called, it matters how it feels. You've said yourself that your sisters don't want to be there and would rather be at home. If they wanted to have a fabulous day on Boxing Day they'd not drink too much the day before. You sound like my SILs family....drama , drama, drama. Hugely tedious.

It's really not that confusing.
OP and her mum and dad have a sad little Xmas with a ready made roast because drama queen dad is still performatively grieving not having his first family for FORTY years.
Her HALF sisters (not stepsisters) spend Christmas with their mother and families.
They all spend boxing day together but they're still not happy because the half sisters are hungover and the kid is a nightmare and annoying dad is still whining because he's not getting his hallmark movie style perfect family meal, while OP is fashioning voodoo dolls of her sisters mother and hoping she dies.

They all need a good shake to be honest. Some people have actual problems.

What age are you OP?

Whether they spend Christmas day or Boxing day all together is much of a muchness.
You're not the Waltons.

I fail to see this issue when he sees them on Boxing Day instead and he gets Christmas with you. I think it's your dad that is being selfish by spoiling your Christmas every year over this.

Boxing Day isn't such a bad deal, but anyway it's up to the daughters now, rather than the ex. They may feel your dad has you so it's fair they be with her on C'mas day.

I think you are upping the drama of this too much.

You and your dad need to let it go. ‘Christmas magic’ is mainly just a big myth. The kids can be cranky from the minute they get up. Have fun and enjoy what you have rather than being resentful and jealous.

It sounds like you have a situation which you feel is currently impossible to change.

You also sound like you a very hurt by her unfair blame.

Is there any possibility you could find a way to support you DDad (and bereaved DMum) to start a new tradition on Christmas Day which you all may value? For example, my parents are dead and due to issues there is little contact with my family. To make Christmas special my tiny family volunteer to help others.
Boxing Day may not be the idealised day, but you are with family, showing them love.

What about claiming New Year's Day ?
Surely the psycho ex wife can cope with that. She seems to dominate her 2 daughters who should have stood up to her long ago.

She throws herself into hosting - with a ready meal? Really?